Yes. It started with a traumatic birth via emergency cesarean resulting in a permanent physical disability and near death. My mother had tried to get rid of me prior to this. So in truth, the abuse had begun before I even entered the world.
I was subsequently resented for existing. I was told by my father that my mother neglected me as a baby, slapped me and raked her nails along my skin, amongst other things.
This only escalated and by age 3 I was enduring sexual abuse, severe neglect, witnessing the torture and death of pets, being forced to consume substances I'd rather not repeat here, being chased with knives, attempted suffocation...I could go on. The physical, sexual and psychological abuse was extensive and inescapable.
I also witnessed stabbings, overdoses, substance misuse and police raiding the house on multiple occasions. I underwent invasive medical assessments which cemented a fear of doctors, particularly older male doctors. I broke my arm, and there were bones literally sticking out. I was ignored for ages, despite crying and pleading for help. This is all before the age of 5. I have been suicidal since I was 4.
After social services finally got involved, I was placed in the care of another abuser, so it just never stopped. I was strangled, hit, isolated and frequently told I was useless, a "retard", that no-one wanted me, I should never have been born etc. There was no safety and no escape, although I had tried. I was bullied at school too due to my disability and developmental/social delays, so I was abused at school and then abused at home. There was no relief. I was introduced to alcohol and drugs by my own father at the age of 12. Several men groomed me during my teenage years and it was a haze of self harm, suicidality, tears and barely - just barely - surviving so that I could run away.
Adulthood traumas only added more layers, thanks to a string of rapes and being preyed on by predatory people that could detect my vulnerability from a mile away. After escaping my adopters' home at the earliest opportunity, I lived in a crack den with my alcohol addicted father for a while. Literally left a country behind and started over, only to end up there.
We moved out and I hoped things would change, but my dad got me into tonnes of debt and never paid the money back. I struggled with my own alcoholism and drug use at this point. I eventually became homeless and lived in "sheltered accommodation" for a while, couch surfed and struggled to acquire somewhere safe to live.
These traumas were further compounded by failures by "supported" housing, social services and doctors. I have known of my Complex PTSD for a very long time. I tried so hard to acquire a diagnosis and help, yet it took me 12 whole years of fighting to simply acquire a diagnosis. Forget about the chronic illnesses and physical issues, it was one dead end after another. I was heavily gaslit and invalidated, told I was just a bit anxious or depressed, and put on one antidepressant after another, several of which actually just caused further damage. Therapy was inaccessible until recent years, and even the therapy provided was never trauma informed or anywhere near adequate enough to address the full extent of my traumas.
My father died eventually 5 years ago. He bled to death in front of me and I had to drag him onto the floor and perform feeble chest compressions (my physical disability causes partial paralysis and muscle weakness) coated in his blood. This triggered more memories of incidents in my life involving blood and death.
This is a mere summary. There is so much more. It's just been one thing after another and another.
I gave up when I was sexually assaulted again twice in the last year alone. One person I trusted got me inebriated and then took advantage. Another convinced me that he actually cared for me and that I meant something to him, only to bite my face, choke me and violate every boundary the moment I let my guard down.
I mention the adulthood traumas here because, when all you have known since you were born is abuse, this has a domino effect in every area of your life. Without someone to guide you, care for you and protect you, it is so difficult to escape its clutches. I feel like a wounded gazel living in a lion's den, with nowhere to run. So all I can do is withdraw. Hide. Stay away from people. It's a horribly lonely existence and with chronic conditions on top of it, am unable to take steps to alleviate it. But even if I could, I'd be constantly terrified of being hurt yet again.
It's recently I realised, I've never been truly loved. Not really. Everyone I loved and trusted in person has either harmed me directly or been complicit in the abuse. And that is one heck of a crushing realisation to make.
Now I understand why, why are you so kind to anyone and to much loved by everyone here, me too.
So sorry, so sorry, that you had to live that. You really understand others suffering, it's something horrible that you never had a moment of peace.
You are a really lovely person, hope you know.
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At 5 years my father wanted to circumcising me. I knew what that means, so I had to threat him about stabbing a knife in his throat while he was sleeping to stop him.
I ever had a strong personality, but that doesn't make the child abuse stop, only means you could hit back, and I still don't know if it's better or don't.
At 8 years my father turned an alcoholic and started to abuse my mother, so they broke, and I started to live with my mother.
My mother started a relationship with a criminal that made me to pay with fake money the places where we were going.
My mother decided was easier to me to just stay at home after school, so I was near to a year alone in my home.
I felt so lonely, that I just wanted to jump from the window (4th floor) to kill my self. After being crying thinking about my parents and what happened after my death, I just decided to go ahead and I climbed into the window, then suddenly, don't know how my mother appears and make me go back.
I just placed a poker face, and turned back like nothing happened. Had 11 years old. The criminal with my mother was dating, decided that was a good idea to make go at 4am going naked but a t-shirt and walk around the street. Yes, in a fucking city, yes in a party place and no one did NOTHING.
After that next week, my mother and that guy just drove into a small town I never meet, drove into the forest and leaves me there with a red clothes and telling me that cows would kill me if they see me.
I'm alive cause I could remember more than 10 KMS of the drove way to a place I never meet before. I hope I never could and I just died there.
They leaved me while raining, so the car footprint were vanished, had so much cold than I throw my self to the running water was going under the path, cause my body was colder than water.
I just could find my way home and put a poker face like nothing happened cause I was horrified of consequences if I blamed them.
Some time later (near week or two) the criminal guy just wanted to give me another walk around the city completely naked, and ordered me to undressing.
I started to doing it, and when he though I was going to do it, I just runned as fast as I could from home.
I was pretty sure no one could try to catch me cause I was really good at it, so I just runned half of the city with out stopping (Wich now I couldn't understand how I could make that) until I get into the police officers and started to explain all while crying.
So I started to live with my father, and guess what, his new woman likes to abuse me too. She was doing the mental abuse, and my father the physical.
And my father was policeman, so there's no way I runned again into police, cause his word gonna be more trusted than mine. I had no scape.
I think I don't need to explain what is physical abuse from an alcoholic father. Just gonna tell that I slept with a knife under my pillow, for self defense.
I was miss cared, my clothes were broken, they use to scare me telling me that would send me to an internship, like to joke about I was adopted (even if I wasn't), and tell me I shouldn't be born.
They tried to introduce me on drugs on alcohol, but I just knew that was so wrong that I turned violent every time they try. I ever had panic to drugs.
At age of 14 I just turned into a sociopath, willing to kill everyone and my self. There was to much times I thought I just had to kill my parents and suicide, even I had strong personality, I still was afraid. That's something I really regret, in fact the most thing I regret in my life, cause now I'm about to CTB but they are without any punishment, and it's to much years later to a punishment now makes any sense.
The physical abuse was so intense, so I had to run from my father's house at 17 into my mother house... Again...
Only want to tell that at 18 I decided was better dying than living with my parents, so I leaved the home without out money and no where to stay. And started my homeless life... But that's another story.
