Resource Poll - The Main Cause Of Your Suicidal Ideation?

[Codieb1]

Kinda just all of them. Raised in an awful environment with a family that treated me like garbage, plus I made my own bad decisions that lead me to having no friends throughout my entire life and I'm now completely trapped in an abusive relationship that I can't leave. this is likely worth a main post in and of itself

 

[dandan]

I don't know if genetically I'm depressed or my personality, i have huge huge regret, but even without regret I have such a hard time being the person I want to be, so I can't be good enough for myself.

But I don't want to die, if I did, I would be dead, I have N in the fridge.
I'm want to learn to enjoy life and have a personality that I can love myself with , am making and attempt at living life,

Ctb is just a way to stop the eternal struggle I wish to end, it would also heal my regret Wich is huge.

 

[ProhibereDolor]

Whoooooo!!!!! Go 50/50 squad!!!!

 

[Righttodie]

2

I love who I am. I like how I look and feel I am a special person who has given a lot to the world by helping those who have been suffering even sometimes at my own cost(not something that I advocate. Save yourself always)

I feel I have a extremely high emotional intelligence.
Maybe if I was ignorant and not one who thought so much, I would be better off.
I would in that case accept all these ills and push them off into a box which made it all acceptable.

But I can't do that. I see that this society I am in us driven by toxic things and people who follow things blindly like it's the medieval ages.
It makes it difficult for a person to live when all they are surrounded by is all this.


What's fucked up is that I live in a country that's poor and I don't have resources to leave my house and leave these toxic People I am with who are contributing to my illness.

I watch lots of documentaries on war and tragedies like the Holocaust.
I feel like i can relate to the people who are part of those dynamics.

I can relate to their notions of wanting to have died than suffered a second longer in those horrible times when all those around them were being murdered.

in one such documentary, a testimony of a Holocaust survivor, he mentioned this

"I will say it again and will like to remind people that it was the fact that I didn't know any better, which made me survive.

i didn't know any better. All I had to do was try to survive and make it the next second in the camp.

Thats why i survived.

The intellectuals and the people who could think about all this were the first to let themselves Go. They were gone. They saw it all for what it was.

they said "what if we survive ? What is there to live for even then ? Nothing is left to right for after What's happened"

they died first.

And I survived because I didn't know any better"

 

[cornflowerblue]

Edit: And if your like me and you just want insurance for your dignity but don't want to end your life anytime soon then you are are rare person. If that is the case then just choose the option that brought you to that point as most people don't reach that point just through logical reasonable deductions and calculations.

I picked #1 but I really fall into this "insurance" category. I don't think it's as rare as you make it out to be. Maybe it is on this forum, but for the elderly and terminally ill there are studies that having access to lethal means makes them less likely to attempt suicide and even improves physical and mental health overall. The general concept is true for almost any rescue-type thing like knowing you have a few PRN Xanax or Vicodin, having some money saved up so you could relocate or quit your job or leave your SO if you wanted, knowing your friend will pick up a 3am call and drive you home from the bar if you need it, etc. And the whole idea of having "fuck you money" and being able to retire early but continuing to work anyway because everything is easier to endure when you know it's a choice and you have a safe way out.

I think this forum serves that purpose for many of us, but some may be less aware of it or less willing to admit it.

The world would be a lot better if people were more open about the "insurance" side of knowing they can safely discuss dark thoughts, planning CTB, or even having supplies for CTB. Not just on SS, but also with family/friends and with therapists.

Imagine if we could get stats on how many people totally changed their mind because of having some "insurance", how long they postponed CTB because of it, what new things they tried to get better, whether they stuck to treatment more, whether they got a renewed sense of hope or felt more able to tolerate the suffering of being alive.

I have a childlike streak of wishful thinking, but I believe that the more we talk about how "insurance" often prevents CTB, the more it'll be ok to discuss without fear of 5150 or losing friends and family. Then that would lead to people getting more benefit out of therapy, feeling less socially isolated, maybe CTBing less or waiting until an older age.

Lol sorry if this sounds like a pro-life rant. It's really not, in fact it's quite far from it. It's pro choice, but pro true choice. When CTB done in secret feels like the only option, that's not a real choice. But right now for most of us it's the "choice" that this pervasively "pro-life" (only in name) society has to offer. All humans deserve better than that. We all deserve a real shot at getting better, AND the safety net of knowing we can die with dignity if "better" never happens.

 

[JAG_78]

I'm really sorry that I missed this poll!. For the record I'm a 1#.
Wonderful family (I feel bitterly sorry for them, I am an unintentional curse to these good people). Good childhood and upbringing.
Crap brain (neurotransmitters?). Almost zero executive functions + slow and inattentive with it. Almost total inability to follow through on intentions. Chronic anxiety and low level depression as a result with frequent long, paralysing bouts of clinical depression on top.
All my brain and HPA axis's fault.

 

[Sweet emotion]

None of these answers apply to my situation. I have Complex Regional Pain Syndrome which is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. I've had it for 14 years now and I can't believe I've lasted this long. I've been very mentally strong throughout all this but it's wearing on my nerves literally. There is no help for this and no cure. I refuse to be in pain that is so excruciating one would have to feel it for themselves to understand. I can barely take care of myself anymore. I don't want to go on much longer like this. I don't want to die, I want to get better. But that is never going to happen. So I'm making the coice to out myself out of my misery since no one else can. I'm a very outgoing person and this disease has forced me to become isolated from everyone and everything especially since I have it inside the ears, one of many places. I can't talk much or listen to others. You can't escape sound. Then it soreads to my head and face and eyes and jaw and mouth and I feel like I'm being tortured. It's one of the most I human diseases out there and it's actually nicknamed the suicide disorder since no one can get help. My friend killed herself three years ago because she had what I had. She was only 31. She was beautiful, caring, smart, talented. I got sick when I was 20 years old which is very young to get this even though you can get it at any age. Usually women get it. Surprise surprise right? So I never got to experience life. What really breaks my heart is that I'm never going to know what love feels like. I'm never going to find my other half. I'm never going to be able to travel or have a career or have friends. I had a really great life before this and it took it all away.

I truly do hate myself and i've been raised in a fairly toxic household. Not sure what option to choose. Well i think option 1 is still the closest, as i'm not sure if my upbringing really was the problem.

Why do you hate yourself? Has someone done something horrible to you that you think is your fault? Has someone out you down ever since you were little?

I don't know if genetically I'm depressed or my personality, i have huge huge regret, but even without regret I have such a hard time being the person I want to be, so I can't be good enough for myself.

But I don't want to die, if I did, I would be dead, I have N in the fridge.
I'm want to learn to enjoy life and have a personality that I can love myself with , am making and attempt at living life,

Ctb is just a way to stop the eternal struggle I wish to end, it would also heal my regret Wich is huge.

I'm so happy you are choosing to work on yourself instead of kill yourself. I bet you'll surprise yourself with all the wonderful qualities that you have. This is so trite but you really have to love yourself before you can love anyone else. Because if you can't let people in because you hate yourself so much love is impossible and love is something we all need and want. Damned if I know a thing about it. I got physically sick at 20 and now I'm 34 and in the worst pain in the world. Literally, what I have is the highest ranking pain condition in medical history. If I didn't have this I wouldn't be on here.

 

[Dawn0071111]

3.

 

[Élégie]

50/50 nature/nurture

 

[Rachel74]

None on the poll

 

[Wayfaerer]

All of my siblings (including half-siblings) are highly functional except me, so #2. My only full-blooded sibling has a doctorate's degree but also has emotional problems. Not nearly as severe as mine but then again she had more advantages than I had.

I'm not saying it was 100% environmental in my case but it was more so than not.