POLL: DEPRESSION How bad is yours? Is it making you want to CTB?

[Meditation guide]

Does your depression make you want to commit suicide?

I had a bout of the most severe depression I've ever had recently for a couple of days, and it was literally torture. It was mixed with extreme anxiety. It gradually eased up in the next few days.

I was shocked at how severe it was, especially since it's not something I usually have. I can truly sympathize with anyone who has depression. It's a very desperate level of pain that is impossible to understand unless you've experienced it.

I have no idea what caused my depression. I've been trying various supplements and changes in diet so it might be related to that. I hope I don't experience that again. People should be put to sleep somehow or be given strong painkillers when they have depression that badly. It's a living nightmare.

How is your level of depression and how do you cope with it? Does it come and go? I know it can vary considerably from day to day. Do you take medication for depression? What has worked for you, or not worked? Is depression the main reason you want to ctb?

 

[wait.what]

I've been having a really appalling bout of depression since 2019. As for how I cope, I really don't. Quite a lot of it is just staring at the wall from my bed or chair, feeling time pass. I haven't ctb for a few reasons--one of which is simply that it is very difficult to kill a reasonably-healthy human body. Also, my relatives keep saying, "Oh, we love you, don't do it!" which makes me feel terribly guilty. I'm actually really starting to resent them for this. If they really loved me, they'd help me get out of this hell.

I'm a terrible coward and haven't gotten up the nerve to end things yet. I do have my night-night method supplies in the other room, though. Maybe I could do a dry run later, with the goal of reducing my terror of beginning the process. Maybe if I do it a few times & don't die, I can fool my brain into thinking that putting a ratchet strap around my neck and tightening it is a normal, everyday thing to do, and it won't freak out.

 

[Meditation guide]

I've been having a really appalling bout of depression since 2019. As for how I cope, I really don't. Quite a lot of it is just staring at the wall from my bed or chair, feeling time pass. I haven't ctb for a few reasons--one of which is simply that it is very difficult to kill a reasonably-healthy human body. Also, my relatives keep saying, "Oh, we love you, don't do it!" which makes me feel terribly guilty. I'm actually really starting to resent them for this. If they really loved me, they'd help me get out of this hell.

I'm a terrible coward and haven't gotten up the nerve to end things yet. I do have my night-night method supplies in the other room, though. Maybe I could do a dry run later, with the goal of reducing my terror of beginning the process. Maybe if I do it a few times & don't die, I can fool my brain into thinking that putting a ratchet strap around my neck and tightening it is a normal, everyday thing to do, and it won't freak out.

I'm sorry you are suffering so horribly.

I was amazed at how I was unable to function to do the simplest things when I was in my lowest mental state. Mine had a large component of anxiety which I was very glad to have some whisky nearby which took the edge off.

You have my sympathy.

 

[killedbypsychiatry]

I'm sorry you've gone through that, depression can indeed feel soooo horrible. I have very bad SSRI/ benzo induced anhedonia and depression (tardive dysphoria). I had never been depressed in my life, I has always been very happy and passionate, until I was put in drugs and one day while withdrawling from the meds I woke up not being able to feel pleasurable emotions and with suicidal depression. one day I just couldn't feel music, couldn't appreciate the ocean, couldn't feel love, my hobbies no longer sparked joy, so horrible, i feel as if my soul was taken from me, this drugs can really kill you. Apart from the sort of chemical induced depression, I also have sort of emotional depression because of cptsd, grief, and my situation. My depression/anhedonia is definitely part of why I want to ctb.

 

[Lmd]

Between 3 and 4? I guess... I don't see my depression as being in pain. I'm having it almost my whole life so at this point I think this is just how I see life and I'm used to it. What botters me is the anhedonia that caused me and how it drains me all the energy. The things I used to enjoy are gone. I'm always bored even when I have a lot of things to do or "have fun"

If I'm in a special situation I feel absolutely nothing, it's incredible. Logically I always think that if it's something special then I have to force myself to keep the memory in my mind because otherwise I will regret it so I can think about it days after and say "It was a fun/special day, I guess" I know I like or love people but I don't feel like it either. It's a constant "meh" Nothing surprises me.

I don't use medication because it would make things worse. I also don't know how to fix this and I don't know if I want to do it.

 

[motel rooms]

My depression is bad & it has many faces, but my primary diagnosis is cPTSD

 

[watereyes]

more like extremely high anxiety rather than depression for wizzie

 

[Bootleg Astolfo]

I'm at a level of depression where i'm pretty sure i'll soon start getting emo eyeliner for free.

 

[Largeletters]

My depression is getting worse. I've been used to it for years. It takes a lot of strength to do usual, daily tasks. It's been like this before and I don't want to go back to that horrible pit, but there is nothing I can do. I can take my shitty, placebo effect, headache inducing antidepressants, but what good would that do? I don't have weeks to wait for it to work. I need a solution to this ASAP.

Between 3 and 4? I guess... I don't see my depression as being in pain. I'm having it almost my whole life so at this point I think this is just how I see life and I'm used to it. What botters me is the anhedonia that caused me and how it drains me all the energy. The things I used to enjoy are gone. I'm always bored even when I have a lot of things to do or "have fun"

If I'm in a special situation I feel absolutely nothing, it's incredible. Logically I always think that if it's something special then I have to force myself to keep the memory in my mind because otherwise I will regret it so I can think about it days after and say "It was a fun/special day, I guess" I know I like or love people but I don't feel like it either. It's a constant "meh" Nothing surprises me.

I don't use medication because it would make things worse. I also don't know how to fix this and I don't know if I want to do it.

I really relate to this :( I'm sorry, it's really hard.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think I have been depressed a lot of my life, it is the way I see the world really. I lack the energy and motivation that is needed for this life. Life doesn't interest me and I have always seen existence as tedious and repetitive. I do not understand why some people dont want to ctb, humans do the same tasks on loop for decades and then we just die. It is pointless and meaningless. I think my physical problems have made it worse. Sometimes I feel better than other times.

 

[OceanBlue]

Prolonged stress exacerbates my depression. Then the feeling becomes unbearable for a few months, some kind of pressure in the brain when you can't do anything at all, a state of constant anxiety, really hard to describe.

It's hard to maintain average mental health when so many things in life are extremely triggering.
I don't consider it illness, but I'm sorry you're going through this.

 

[Meditation guide]

I agree that stress makes depression worse. Sudden problems are what cause mine.

 

[lofticries]

I've had depression for so long it's almost like my identity. I can't remember a time or day where I wasn't depressed. The poll options are basically all my moods through out life. I'm really shocked i've lived this long to be honest.

I'm at 2 atm but it could very well get up all the way to 5 within the week.

 

[hahabye]

The last few months, my depression has been the worst I've ever experienced. At my best, I can (barely) function with a lot of effort and energy that I can barely scrape up enough of.

At my worst, it feels like physical pain. It feels like a hydraulic press is crushing my brain and I succumb on the floor crying. That can last several days.

My coping technique is suicide, since I've been living with depression for way too long and it always comes back.

The only thing that genuinely makes me smile these days is thinking of my last moments. Well my cats do too, of course, but I've been so unwell lately that even seeing them doesn't make me feel much better, which is the saddest think in the whole world for me.

 

[Largeletters]

The last few months, my depression has been the worst I've ever experienced. At my best, I can (barely) function with a lot of effort and energy that I can barely scrape up enough of.

At my worst, it feels like physical pain. It feels like a hydraulic press is crushing my brain and I succumb on the floor crying. That can last several days.

My coping technique is suicide, since I've been living with depression for way too long and it always comes back.

The only thing that genuinely makes me smile these days is thinking of my last moments. Well my cats do too, of course, but I've been so unwell lately that even seeing them doesn't make me feel much better, which is the saddest think in the whole world for me.

I'm really sorry you're going through this

 

[Passersby]

I can relate to your severe depression you have had. I have dealt with depression my whole life. On and off, and coming in waves but always there on some level. It sucks plain and simple!! It's gotten worse with age and now due to all of the other problems I endure mental and physical it has been consistent and is getting worse.


Too many issues to list but the depression, anxiety, and anhedonia all go together and feed off each other. Lots of times I can't even do anything but lay around and stare. Cant talk to people most of the time or do jack shit. I cant even watch tv or get on this forum lots of times either. Everything is forced. I have treated the depression part in the past with Zoloft, natural remedies, exercise , etc. I currently don't take anything for it.

It is one of my main reasons for ctb along with other things too.

I hope you can feel better someday.

 

[Hurt]

My depression is pretty severe. I don't want to live anymore. It's a torture. My people from the outside doesn't see it but I'm dead inside. Simple tasks became hard to do.

 

[everydayiloveyou]

My first bout of depression was horrible, I was still in grade school and I would just sleep and cry all day. The anhedonia was the worst part.

Now my depression is very mild. Sometimes I get a bout for a day or two, but mostly my issue is anxiety. The anxiety is the reason I consider ctb, it's been very debilitating for my entire life.

I think depressive episodes have got to have some sort of chemical component to them. I basically just woke up one day and realized that I was sleeping nornally and could listen to music again. I had no treatment then. I go to therapy now, but when I'm feeling depressed, nothing can help it. I just have to wait it out. But the anxiety is a little more malleable, and CBT is pretty helpful for it. I'm still not normal, but I have more hope for limiting the anxiety than getting rid of the depression

 

[wanttheend]

I would say my depression is getting worse each passing year. As I get older, I'm mid 60's now, I see and feel the frustration of life coming to an end. Every day I think is this the final day of my life ? How will it end ? Cry often. I want to have control over my final days and be able to exit while still having my mind and a healthy body. Want to do this soon