They swore to me they would never Do that. I feel sort of betrayed. I had everything. I followed the protocoll precisely. I was hesitant though because I am not sure ziprasidone is enough as antiemetic. I took some Promethazine extra. Honestly, I felt somewhat good and relaxed. I took 1 mg Tavor to calm down. I think it was a good mood to kill myself. I already dissolved the SN in water. But I ruminated a lot before taking it. I texted my friends because I still was somewhat ambivalent. I wanted to say goodbye to them. And they panicked a little bit. The police which came was very friendly. I told them I am fully cooperative which was good otherwise bad Things would have happened. In the clinic I could negotiate that I am allowed to an open clinic and not the closed psych ward. A very friendly psychiatrist who Interviewed me could archive that. The situation is fucked up. I know have to lie to my closest friends since this day and I think this will erode our friendship. The heart problems of my mom will only become worden. They took the rest of my SN. Unsealed it is worthless anyway. Personally, from the things I have been through I still cling to SN as a method. Actually, I feel somewhat good because the benzos I took made sort of high. The police low key threatened that I could get a punishment for SN. The dude just googled it to get clearity. Lmao. They cannot Do me anything. It is allowed in Germany seemingly. This explains why other Users pretend different Things about the legality. The police just Google searches it. I did not admit gladly that I have imported it from Poland. I think Import might be an Issue. After this experience I am even more convinced of SN. They cannot punish me for buying it. I hope people here have sources for SN to help me. I will buy it again but just keep silent in front of other. I think it will hurt being forced to lie to my closest friends. But I have to take a hiatus on suicide plans. I am on suicide watch now from my Environment for a long time I assume.. And I cannot even trust my two closest friends anymore. This whole things gives an incentive for suicidal people to lie about everything.
The Day Was pretty horrible. And I considered not to text my friends but I did. Maybe it was a call for help. It should have allieviated the pain going though this process. Interestingly, there was Not so much pain when I followed the procedure. I felt sort of peaceful but also very tired. The next time I will try it I will have to lie to them. Maybe it Was Not a nice Thing to share it with them. They don't need a guilty conscience for Not stopping me. And I am scared they could have gotten in legal trouble for Not stopping me.
Tbh today my suicidality has changed and I never was in such an acute situation. I think I could have been ready to say goodbye to World. Maybe the Promethazine and Lorazepam gave me a slight high. It felt like the right thing to do. To kill myself. I read some goodbye threads of people that I liked shortly before trying it on my own.
I think I could have done it. But I Was aware that if I take it once I am not allowed to chicken out. After following the protocoll in Detail I was Sure. If turn in the different direction extreme Depression will come. Shortly, prior to drinking I was Most of the time calm. I felt read.
I am not sure what impact this event will have on my life. Will my mom get another stroke? I don't know but I think the impact will be Bad. I might be returning to the Day care clinic where I was 6 months ago.
The Day is a complete Shit Show. However, it could have been way worst. And now I realized I cannot trust my friends when I am acute suicidal anymore. At the same potentiallly they could have gotten in trouble. If they found the chat on their or my phone announcing my severe acute suicidality.
There is so much trouble that I cause. And Best Thing would be just to vanish. I am happy about one thing. That I did not take SN without realizing the police in on my way. This could have been dangerous. If I die no problem all my problems solved. I don't care about the aftermath in many but Not all instances. But permanent damage is not ruled out when one is saved in a scenario of a bad timing. This is the horror scenario together with a stroke of my mom.
What an insane Day. I have WLAN in This open clinic at least. I could have been Dead if I shutted my mouth. Another Chance will come.
I don't know what will happen next. From my experiences nothing good. Thank for reading
The Day Was pretty horrible. And I considered not to text my friends but I did. Maybe it was a call for help. It should have allieviated the pain going though this process. Interestingly, there was Not so much pain when I followed the procedure. I felt sort of peaceful but also very tired. The next time I will try it I will have to lie to them. Maybe it Was Not a nice Thing to share it with them. They don't need a guilty conscience for Not stopping me. And I am scared they could have gotten in legal trouble for Not stopping me.
Tbh today my suicidality has changed and I never was in such an acute situation. I think I could have been ready to say goodbye to World. Maybe the Promethazine and Lorazepam gave me a slight high. It felt like the right thing to do. To kill myself. I read some goodbye threads of people that I liked shortly before trying it on my own.
I think I could have done it. But I Was aware that if I take it once I am not allowed to chicken out. After following the protocoll in Detail I was Sure. If turn in the different direction extreme Depression will come. Shortly, prior to drinking I was Most of the time calm. I felt read.
I am not sure what impact this event will have on my life. Will my mom get another stroke? I don't know but I think the impact will be Bad. I might be returning to the Day care clinic where I was 6 months ago.
The Day is a complete Shit Show. However, it could have been way worst. And now I realized I cannot trust my friends when I am acute suicidal anymore. At the same potentiallly they could have gotten in trouble. If they found the chat on their or my phone announcing my severe acute suicidality.
There is so much trouble that I cause. And Best Thing would be just to vanish. I am happy about one thing. That I did not take SN without realizing the police in on my way. This could have been dangerous. If I die no problem all my problems solved. I don't care about the aftermath in many but Not all instances. But permanent damage is not ruled out when one is saved in a scenario of a bad timing. This is the horror scenario together with a stroke of my mom.
What an insane Day. I have WLAN in This open clinic at least. I could have been Dead if I shutted my mouth. Another Chance will come.
I don't know what will happen next. From my experiences nothing good. Thank for reading
