poetry by a chronically online lover

[nonentity]

here's a small thread of the poetry that i wrote thinking about the man i love and my best friend (he doesn't know i love him)

each dash between paragraphs is a different poem

-

Why is it that when i fall asleep
I'm blacked out –
I don't have to worry about
Anything in the world
But when i wake up
And have a cup of coffee
I want to kill myself
And never have to feel again

—

I'm just sitting here, staring at my desk
Talking to you about your day,
I should be happy, but why am i not?
Is it because i'm severely depressed?
Thinking that i'm trash, and that they're better than me?
Or is it because i have nothing to lament over at all

—

I want to kill myself, I said
You sat next to me, saying
Then let's sit here a while

we sat there in silence
for hours,
while i put my head against your shoulder
my eyes closed
living a memory in my head that never existed
sat here by myself
with nothing at all

—

you stole me when i was most vulnerable
and now i'm nothing but a love machine
hypnotized by your beauty
and desperate to feel it back
but i never do

—

they say "don't cry over boys you met over discord"
but how could they say that
when they never met you?

—

someone told me
that loving from afar
is going to destroy me

but loving you is the last thing i live for
so i'll let it eat me up
and offer my tears
as a daily sacrifice

—

i wake up in a good mood a lot of the time
going through my day
sipping on my morning coffee
checking emails
chatting with coworkers
laughing with friends

but once i sit there too long
with nothing plugging my head
you creep into my mind
not in a bad way, no
just coming to spend time

i think of your handsome face
framed perfectly by your copper hair
cheeks speckled with kisses from the sun
deep eyes that i could stare into
all day long

i think of your voice
and how i could listen to it forever
like it's my favorite song
that i have on repeat

i think of your laugh
that i rarely hear
because you're quiet and reserved
but i can always hear the smile
that slips along your lips
when i say something goofy

i think of your hands
and what they would feel like in mine
when we walk next to each other
on our way to do something
next on our list

i think of what your arms would feel like around me
i think of your breath tickling my cheek
your eyelashes fluttering along my skin
your warm lips against mine
when we breathe in unison
when we exist
together

and i get held by you
my face in your chest
and i begin to sob
as you fall backwards
and drag me below
into the darkest deepest depths of depression
and you don't even know

you don't even know
what you do to me

by just existing in my life
it's the worst hurt i've ever felt
even more than the boy before you
who seduced me with silver tongue
and bit my head off without a thought

you are the one who stole me
away from his hands

you are the one who breaks me
every day
without doing anything
at all

—

i think stabbing myself
would hurt less
than you

—

i'm lazy
i say, leaning back in my chair
playing with my hair
staring at the screen
with you on the other side

you're not lazy
you're just going through it
you replied
leaning in a bit to the camera
your eyes fixed on something
that you're doing

it makes me blush
whenever you validate me
or you're kind to me
so i shove my chin under the neck of my hoodie
and cover my mouth
muffling my shy words
yeaaah yeah

stop covering your mouth
you say, amused by
the shyness that overcame me

and it makes me blush
even harder
when i shrink down further, smiling under the fabric

your eyes catch my background
of a few empty cups
take those downstairs
you say sternly
and my heart flutters

I'm in love

—

you told me you would go with me
if i were to take my life
but i think that's a lie
you say that
but you won't

let's put it to the test

 

[pebpebpebpeb]

i really like your poetry, i especially liked this one -

I want to kill myself, I said
You sat next to me, saying
Then let's sit here a while

we sat there in silence
for hours,
while i put my head against your shoulder
my eyes closed
living a memory in my head that never existed
sat here by myself
with nothing at all

your work is amazing. keep it up. :)

 

[nonentity]

i really like your poetry, i especially liked this one -

your work is amazing. keep it up. :)

thank you so much!

i'm glad you like that one - it's a day dream that i have frequently, just an imaginary scenario brought to life from words that he told me

i know they're not a lie, we're just worlds apart right now

but i really appreciate you saying that you like it :'D - funny, i was just having a chat in the sasu chatroom yesterday about punpun, maybe this is a sign from the universe!

 

[tarantulatowels]

I really really like these :)
thanks for sharing

 

[nonentity]

I really really like these :)
thanks for sharing

thank you! i really appreciate it! i don't think i'm a very good writer, but i enjoy writing poetry

--

i hate sometimes how it makes both posts into one haha but below is more poetry that i forgot to update the thread with

--

you make me want to
dig my fingers in my chest
break open my sternum
tear my heart out
and beat it against the floor
in the most romantic way

--

our gasps to each other
flushed cheeks hidden behind hands
whispering to each other
such sinful things
that make my ears burn
and my face hot
it's like i'm melting
and i know you're melting, too

--

it's euphoric
having your attention on me
showing your love to me
telling me
i want to see
when i mention my face is red
when i'm touching everything
as you're touching everything too
shoving fingers into electrical sockets
breathing hotly
as we both fall
into something that's way too big
for the both of us