Please some advice

[arcadia]

I'm in a muslim household. The country I ethnically hail from is 99% muslim. I can't handle this anymore, I can't. Everytime I speak to my mother life is this gift that only god can take away, that every single bit of unwarranted suffering is a 'test'. Just what the hell is this? When I first confessed to my mother that I had suicidal thoughts a year ago, her immediate response was to tell me that I'd burn in hell. And how that'd make her feel. I only wanted to kill myself more, I'd never felt so alone. Every single time I try to ask for help, to reach some support for this pain I am shut down. My mother opposes me seeking actual help, it's truly irrational. I can't take it anymore. Any chance of me getting better will be viewed under the lense of it being unnatural. She wants me to battle this alone, and come out 'strong'. So I can have kids and burden them with this life. No, never. I could never let somebody experience this. This is horrifying. Existence can be beautiful but if you are conscious of how horrible it can be, and you still choose to create life without a second thought, you are worse than dirt in my opinion. How the hell could I mindlessly burden someone else with this, when I am at my breaking point myself? I try to seek help and I cannot be honest. Who thought it was a good idea to punish honesty in speaking about these thoughts early on? When there's still some chance at meaningful intervention? Why do we prevent suicide by making people hide their feelings? Why?
What is the point? Truly? Why do we disregard the suffering of competent people, if people report feelings like this in the long term then it is not impulsive - Why are we so paternalistic in acting like the moment somebody is suicidal, they are irrational and must not be listened to. For christ sakes they check my fucking packages. If I buy a video game or anything with my own cash, it gets opened by my mother or my sister. I cannot procure any gas, meds or anything. Why is killing yourself made so hard? Why is revoking the rights of people ignored? Why? Why is death seen as something that people cannot control, be it an elderly person with a terminal illness who wants a peaceful exit, or a younger person who is being mentally tortured.
If I leave the house, I must report my location constantly. I have no privacy, I am being reduced to something less than human.
All this has left is hatred of those who have made the process worse, and reassurance of the fact that I must leave. Everyday is another day of procrastination. I must bite the bullet already for my own sake, there is no point in going further. All it really is, is just going to sleep.

 

[Kualk]

What an horrible situation to be in.
The only real solution that comes to mind is immigrating out of your country, as Islamic countries tend to not recognize these kinds of thoughts as legitimate and as such there is little to no help there.
Western countries tend to treat these problems somewhat seriously, and although I personally see therapy in a bad light, for someone interested in moving forward some help is better than no help at all. If you plan to end things it is also far easier (but still no cakewalk) to buy chemical substances from these kinds of countries.
In short, look for a place where you are allowed to make your choice, instead of one that gaslights you into thinking that these kinds of thoughts are your own fault for thinking differently than the norm.
Hope that in the future you can find some help or some peace when you leave.

 

[arcadia]

What an horrible situation to be in.
The only real solution that comes to mind is immigrating out of your country, as Islamic countries tend to not recognize these kinds of thoughts as legitimate and as such there is little to no help there.
Western countries tend to treat these problems somewhat seriously, and although I personally see therapy in a bad light, for someone interested in moving forward some help is better than no help at all. If you plan to end things it is also far easier (but still no cakewalk) to buy chemical substances from these kinds of countries.
In short, look for a place where you are allowed to make your choice, instead of one that gaslights you into thinking that these kinds of thoughts are your own fault for thinking differently than the norm.
Hope that in the future you can find some help or some peace when you leave.

I think you misunderstand. I'm not in an islamic country, I am grateful for that as it'd make this much worse. Ethnically, I hail from a country that is only muslim. So my family and friends adhere to these rules, and any deviance from islam is punished through social exclusion. The religious makeup of my ethnicity is 99.5% muslim. If I try to communicate that I don't believe in the faith anymore, being disowned is what would follow. Growing up I learnt about my cousin, who openly announced he was an atheist became estranged, and our family never spoke to him again. He was abandoned at 17, and had nowhere to go. He's much older than me, being 26 now and he seems devastated whenever I see him outside. He succumbed to abusing substances, and hasn't recovered. It's quite scary. Marriages are also overlooked, and marrying outside of my ethnicity is seen as unacceptable. I'm stuck with the faith until I graduate from uni, and at that point I must decide if cutting off my only source of secure housing, and family is worth being honest with myself. Regardless, thank you for your compassion.

 

[Gaga786]

I think you misunderstand. I'm not in an islamic country, I am grateful for that as it'd make this much worse. Ethnically, I hail from a country that is only muslim. So my family and friends adhere to these rules, and any deviance from islam is punished through social exclusion. The religious makeup of my ethnicity is 99.5% muslim. If I try to communicate that I don't believe in the faith anymore, being disowned is what would follow. Growing up I learnt about my cousin, who openly announced he was an atheist became estranged, and our family never spoke to him again. He was abandoned at 17, and had nowhere to go. He's much older than me, being 26 now and he seems devastated whenever I see him outside. He succumbed to abusing substances, and hasn't recovered. It's quite scary. Marriages are also overlooked, and marrying outside of my ethnicity is seen as unacceptable. I'm stuck with the faith until I graduate from uni, and at that point I must decide if cutting off my only source of secure housing, and family is worth being honest with myself. Regardless, thank you for your compassion.

I see myself in your situation. I live in a predominantly muslim country, so the attitudes and customs, as you described, are pretty similar. I agree with your views regarding life and why our suffering is invalidated and brushed off. I think muslim households don't mental health into account. I hope your situation ameliorates, and you achieve the peace that you yearn. Wishing you the best, take care!

 

[whywere]

After reading your post, I cried, then took a short walk thinking of you and to try and think of how to respond and help you, then I came back to my hotel room, I travel for work, and cried again.

I have told on SS many times about my ugly childhood till I was kicked out at 18. So, I have some experience in being rejected by my so called "family" forever.

Now PLEASE do not get offended or hurt or mad at me about my idea(s), as they come from my heart to you, as you are a good friend and I truly want the best for you.

Unless your family can become more flexible for you, then I feel you have a very major decision to make. That would be striking out on your own and maybe just maybe having to look at your family in the rear-view mirror for good.

I was kicked out at 18 and my "parents" never wanted any contact again ever. It was because I was a "mistake, I was born a male and not a female child, it took time and perseverance, but I have done good, as far as missing the "parent" aspect.

If it was me, I would 1) try, one more time to see if your parent(s), either mom, dad or both, would have a frank and open-minded dialog with you. If that would come to a no outcome of flexibility, then 2) I would finish college 3) Now this aspect is the HARDEST part, but I would move out and/or on even if it would mean relocating to another country. YES, #3 is very radical, maybe, BUT one in life sometimes has to make choices for hopefully a brighter future.

In all my years, I am 66, almost 67, I have seen so much as far as people and /or situations where there is zero flexibility and then one has to make a tough choice.

I have always been a firm believer in closing one's eyes and seeing one's future, and unless one wants to live someone else's definition of life, then one has to either except it or change/move on to a hopefully brighter future with a lot more OPTIONS.

Your post and situation stick my heart as I have had some of the same challenges, back in the 1970"s, but still the same, and PLEASE feel free to message me and talk if you so choose to.

I value you as a good friend, I 100% want the very best for you and I came away with the knowledge after reading your post, just how wonderful you are with a HUGE heart of gold, just so wonderful.

Sending you lots of hugs, love and the knowledge that you are NEVER EVER alone.

Walter