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[-nobodyknows-]

What kept me alive before was a mistake. I put my faith in someone who promised they would be there for me. On many occasions, they were the only thing that kept me from killing myself. But in the end, they left me to die. It wasn't their fault. My words have a way of dragging people down. They couldn't keep trying to help me, for their own sake. I know all of this. And yet, even so, it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I can't do that again. I just can't.

Before I decided to lie to the world, I was at the point where if the ECT treatments did not work, I would need to seriously consider long-term hospitalization. I knew that, in my case, if I were truly honest about my feelings, I would likely be in there for the rest of my life. I had already been hospitalized three times, and my ECT treatments were already going on for far longer than they were expected to.

I saw a certain movie. It convinced me to take a gamble. Face the darkness within myself. Hold out for as long as I possibly can. And maybe, just maybe, someone will pull me out at the last second.

And so, I lied. I lied so well that my doctor took me off medication and dismissed me from their care. And I must continue to do so. There is no way now that I could ever admit the truth to anyone who believed that I got better. And so, I must continue to grit my teeth, until the very moment that I am finally consumed.

I am still trying though, for whatever reason. I can see the facade starting to crack before my very eyes, but I know I must still continue to try to hold on to that hope until everything finally comes crashing down. It is so painful. I really hope that it will be worth it, but I know all too well that my time is running out. I that point all too well, the point that has driven me to try to take my own life so many times before.

I want to be saved.

I'm crazy, aren't I? What a foolish person I am.

 

[Ethel]

There's nothing soo bad about being a fool,is there?

As long as you're having fun and not "bothering others",I guess

 

[Alpenglow]

If I'm entirely honest I don't really know how to help and you have my sympathy. As far as I understand it, you're looking for someone who can empathise and help you? You're referring to being pulled out so I'm not sure if you have any other solutions that could replace that one.

I'd suppose you're balancing your mental state with your ability to do whatever it is to reach your solution. Whatever that is. If you're looking for the right person to do that, you're best bet is to cast a wide net and make yourself able to capitalise on any opportunities, while balancing your mental state. How? I'm not entirely sure, I haven't figured out my case and am unfamiliar with what you want. But think about what your desired person would want, how you'd like to be treated.

And if you wish to fight on, medication is simply a tool in your arsenal, and you don't need to spill everything, you can just say that you're feeling worse and don't want to be at risk again.

I'm sorry I can't help you more, I'm not entirely familiar with your situation and I haven't figured out a similar problem either. But you have my best wishes, and for what it's worth, I think it's very brave to face the world head on like that.

 

[shrizoid]

What kept me alive before was a mistake. I put my faith in someone who promised they would be there for me. On many occasions, they were the only thing that kept me from killing myself. But in the end, they left me to die. It wasn't their fault. My words have a way of dragging people down. They couldn't keep trying to help me, for their own sake. I know all of this. And yet, even so, it was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. I can't do that again. I just can't.

Before I decided to lie to the world, I was at the point where if the ECT treatments did not work, I would need to seriously consider long-term hospitalization. I knew that, in my case, if I were truly honest about my feelings, I would likely be in there for the rest of my life. I had already been hospitalized three times, and my ECT treatments were already going on for far longer than they were expected to.

I saw a certain movie. It convinced me to take a gamble. Face the darkness within myself. Hold out for as long as I possibly can. And maybe, just maybe, someone will pull me out at the last second.

And so, I lied. I lied so well that my doctor took me off medication and dismissed me from their care. And I must continue to do so. There is no way now that I could ever admit the truth to anyone who believed that I got better. And so, I must continue to grit my teeth, until the very moment that I am finally consumed.

I am still trying though, for whatever reason. I can see the facade starting to crack before my very eyes, but I know I must still continue to try to hold on to that hope until everything finally comes crashing down. It is so painful. I really hope that it will be worth it, but I know all too well that my time is running out. I that point all too well, the point that has driven me to try to take my own life so many times before.

I want to be saved.

I'm crazy, aren't I? What a foolish person I am.

Yeah, sometimes (if not everytime) you just cant trust people anymore, not fully at least, Its like so many don't care enough to sctually be there for "friends" its a shame really

 

[-nobodyknows-]

If I'm entirely honest I don't really know how to help and you have my sympathy. As far as I understand it, you're looking for someone who can empathise and help you? You're referring to being pulled out so I'm not sure if you have any other solutions that could replace that one.

It's okay, I find it kind of hard to explain myself. I don't really know how to talk about it too well without coming across as overly sappy. I guess I just kind of feel like I need someone to be there for me. The sort of person who will tell me that they care about me, and spend time with me. Someone who is okay with me speaking honestly about myself. Someone who will hug me and reassure me that everything will be okay. But sorts of things are only really possible in a romantic relationship, and I know that it's not realistic at all for someone like me to have that. I still crave it desperately though. I think the worst part about though is knowing that, if I did have it, it would help me immensely. I know because of how much better I have felt in the past when I felt like I had someone I could rely on. And those weren't even romantic relationships. If someone ever told me that I was the most important thing to them, and actually ended up meaning it… I think I could stomach all the pain that I feel in order to live for that person.

It's ridiculous, I know. There's no one in this world who could do something like that. No one who could be there for me to the extent that I would need at this point.

I'd suppose you're balancing your mental state with your ability to do whatever it is to reach your solution. Whatever that is. If you're looking for the right person to do that, you're best bet is to cast a wide net and make yourself able to capitalise on any opportunities, while balancing your mental state. How? I'm not entirely sure, I haven't figured out my case and am unfamiliar with what you want. But think about what your desired person would want, how you'd like to be treated.

My solution… I don't even know what that is. I guess "getting better" would be ideal, but that feels like a pipe dream. I'm so messed up at this point that I get cold and start to shake, shiver, have difficulty breathing, and experience tactile hallucinations when I am feeling particularly depressed or lonely, especially when I think about self-harm or suicide. It's happening more and more, and I don't really know how to function when that happens besides excusing myself and hiding in the bathroom until they pass.

I took this gamble about three or four years ago, and ever since, I've been doing my best to integrate myself into social circles. However, I have a hard time breaking the mold and making friends, as I am a quiet and somewhat awkward person. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to find much support, and frankly, I don't know how much longer I can keep trying. The disappointments of failure are so crushing.

And if you wish to fight on, medication is simply a tool in your arsenal, and you don't need to spill everything, you can just say that you're feeling worse and don't want to be at risk again.

Unfortunately, no form of treatment has ever actually helped me. The only relief I've ever found was with other people. I really detest that about myself. The way that I have felt comfort and safety from relying on others, while simultaneously damaging their mental health… I cannot help but feel like a sort of parasite.

I'm sorry I can't help you more, I'm not entirely familiar with your situation and I haven't figured out a similar problem either. But you have my best wishes, and for what it's worth, I think it's very brave to face the world head on like that.

It's okay. Thank you for your kind words.