PLEASE, HELP

[Suicidal]

I have my method ready, antiemetics too, but I'm terrified that I'm going to vomit anyway because I know even people who took antiemetics ended up vomiting... I'm going to do it with the cocktail included in the peaceful pill book... I feel terrified. Is this SI and unnecessarily worrying or if I vomit I'll fail? Help me, I want to die but I'm scared of failing.

 

[takemenowpls]

Do you have a second cup on your plan?

 

[1000winds]

goodluck @Suicidal. i dont know much about your method but i wish you all the best!! atleast you have ae at hand so it should count for something

 

[Suicidal]

Do you have a second cup on your plan?

It all goes in one cup according to the book. I've read of people dying anyway but I'm scared of vomiting... And also the foul taste of the drink... I guess it's like taking N in that way... But some people have failed even with N... I'm scared.

goodluck @Suicidal. i dont know much about your method but i wish you all the best!! atleast you have ae at hand so it should count for something

It's the amitriptyline cocktail, it has propranolol too but the book also mentions chloroquine and I have a lot of it too so I'll use it. But I'm just scared that I'll vomit and it'll all be for nothing.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

I have my method ready, antiemetics too, but I'm terrified that I'm going to vomit anyway because I know even people who took antiemetics ended up vomiting... I'm going to do it with the cocktail included in the peaceful pill book... I feel terrified. Is this SI and unnecessarily worrying or if I vomit I'll fail? Help me, I want to die but I'm scared of failing.

Most people vomit even with AE.

It all goes in one cup according to the book. I've read of people dying anyway but I'm scared of vomiting... And also the foul taste of the drink... I guess it's like taking N in that way... But some people have failed even with N... I'm scared.

It's the amitriptyline cocktail, it has propranolol too but the book also mentions chloroquine and I have a lot of it too so I'll use it. But I'm just scared that I'll vomit and it'll all be for nothing.

Sorry, you're not talking about SN nevermind.

 

[wljourney]

I think your worries right now are normal. Everyone goes through this and your brain is actively trying to discourage you from dying, so SI is kicking into full gear.

Give yourself some time and space if you can. I hope you don't feel rushed by anyone "finding" you within a few hours.
In my experience it takes sometimes a few days but mostly a few hours of preparing, going back and forth, looking at the glass/bottles/pills whatever it is.

At some point your fear of failing or the repulsion of the taste will move into the background and your wish to CTB will move further into the front. At some point you simply don't care anymore about the nasty aftertaste. "It's o.k." you'll tell yourself. "It's over soon". "It's worth a try." etc.

When you are ready, you'll know.
Allow yourself that space. The fear comes out. Look at it. Examine it. Make peace with it. You can even go as far as thanking that survival instinct for trying to keep you safe. Telling it "I know what you are trying to do, but it's o.k., you really don't have to do this. You have said your piece, you have warned me and that's your job."

And remember - it's totally o.k. if you are not ready.
Nobody is rushing you.
Nobody expects you to do this right now.
You can always put it off for a few days and see where you want to go next.

Hugs

 

[Suicidal]

I think your worries right now are normal. Everyone goes through this and your brain is actively trying to discourage you from dying, so SI is kicking into full gear.

Give yourself some time and space if you can. I hope you don't feel rushed by anyone "finding" you within a few hours.
In my experience it takes sometimes a few days but mostly a few hours of preparing, going back and forth, looking at the glass/bottles/pills whatever it is.

At some point your fear of failing or the repulsion of the taste will move into the background and your wish to CTB will move further into the front. At some point you simply don't care anymore about the nasty aftertaste. "It's o.k." you'll tell yourself. "It's over soon". "It's worth a try." etc.

When you are ready, you'll know.
Allow yourself that space. The fear comes out. Look at it. Examine it. Make peace with it. You can even go as far as thanking that survival instinct for trying to keep you safe. Telling it "I know what you are trying to do, but it's o.k., you really don't have to do this. You have said your piece, you have warned me and that's your job."

Thank you so much for this message. I have done so much research, read so many medical reports, and most people die even if it takes at most a few days with this mixture of drugs, but my brain stupidly keeps coming up with more fears and insecurities. I didn't use to worry about vomiting, at first my only worry was getting the drugs, got them and then I got worried it wasn't enough, but I literally have more than double of the dose stated in the book, now my worry is whether to do it at my house or someplace else and vomiting. I'm so tired of these worries, my head literally hurts and I keep crying because it's so hard to die.

Do you think it's risky doing it at my house? Just in case someone hears me vomiting?

 

[freedompass]

If you live alone then I would think your house is the safest place to do it, no? I feel for you and hope you find a calmer state of mind. As wljourney said there is no rush

 

[Suicidal]

If you live alone then I would think your house is the safest place to do it, no? I feel for you and hope you find a calmer state of mind. As wljourney said there is no rush

I don't live alone, I live with my abusive parents who don't speak to me (but still hurt me). I can be in my room for +10 hours uninterrupted but my fear is that I'll start vomiting and they will hear me. I was thinking I could go some other place? Like the beach at night? Or other place? I'm so nervous, I really can't order my thoughts.

 

[wljourney]

Thank you so much for this message. I have done so much research, read so many medical reports, and most people die even if it takes at most a few days with this mixture of drugs, but my brain stupidly keeps coming up with more fears and insecurities. I didn't use to worry about vomiting, at first my only worry was getting the drugs, got them and then I got worried it wasn't enough, but I literally have more than double of the dose stated in the book, now my worry is whether to do it at my house or someplace else and vomiting. I'm so tired of these worries, my head literally hurts and I keep crying because it's so hard to die.

Do you think it's risky doing it at my house? Just in case someone hears me vomiting?

Well, look at it this way:
When you are in a crisis and all you can think of is your wish to die, we put a whole lot of energy into obtaining the things we need. It's a form of distraction and we are focused and determined. But the act itself is still very abstract and "far away".

Now that you have everything you are facing the most challenging decision: going through with your plan. Actually doing it.

This is extremely difficult. I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with it because deep down we usually have a little tiny spark of hope left that things might get better. A miracle cure. Whatever.

I once heard someone say "hope dies last" and I think that's extremely true.
We hope to the very very last moment. And even beyond we hope that we'll be o.k.

Anyway. Long story short:

Is it risky to do at your house?
I don't know. Do you live with other people who would find you within X hours?
Are they around now and would hear you cry or stumble to the bathroom if you throw up?

Most people who are rescued are found by close friends or relatives or roommates.
Just recently someone who took SN had to throw up and passed out in the hallway to the bathroom. If you share your house with others then that is a very good possibility.

If you are crying right now because you are afraid of what could happen, I suggest you take a step back.
Try to give yourself some time to work through those fears.
Make a plan. Think about possible issues and how likely they are.
You can post about it here and people will be happy to help.

But IMO if you are crying right now, you are in much too much distress to make a clear and well thought out decision. So allow yourself to calm down and reassess your strategy?

I don't live alone, I live with my abusive parents who don't speak to me (but still hurt me). I can be in my room for +10 hours uninterrupted but my fear is that I'll start vomiting and they will hear me. I was thinking I could go some other place? Like the beach at night? Or other place? I'm so nervous, I really can't order my thoughts.

ahhh this came up after I replied.
So maybe take a step back and think about your options.
A beach is a nice idea. Take a blanket. Take a thermos.
Is a hotel room an option? Booked for 2 days to give you time and space?
Can you tell your parents you are going to stay at a friend's place?
If you must stay at home, have a waste basket in your room to throw up in... etc etc.

all these things take time and energy to think through and prepare.
Allow ourself to go not crying, you deserve to be in a better mindset in the last hours on earth.

 

[Suicidal]

Well, look at it this way:
When you are in a crisis and all you can think of is your wish to die, we put a whole lot of energy into obtaining the things we need. It's a form of distraction and we are focused and determined. But the act itself is still very abstract and "far away".

Now that you have everything you are facing the most challenging decision: going through with your plan. Actually doing it.

This is extremely difficult. I don't know anyone who doesn't struggle with it because deep down we usually have a little tiny spark of hope left that things might get better. A miracle cure. Whatever.

I once heard someone say "hope dies last" and I think that's extremely true.
We hope to the very very last moment. And even beyond we hope that we'll be o.k.

Anyway. Long story short:

Is it risky to do at your house?
I don't know. Do you live with other people who would find you within X hours?
Are they around now and would hear you cry or stumble to the bathroom if you throw up?

Most people who are rescued are found by close friends or relatives or roommates.
Just recently someone who took SN had to throw up and passed out in the hallway to the bathroom. If you share your house with others then that is a very good possibility.

If you are crying right now because you are afraid of what could happen, I suggest you take a step back.
Try to give yourself some time to work through those fears.
Make a plan. Think about possible issues and how likely they are.
You can post about it here and people will be happy to help.

But IMO if you are crying right now, you are in much too much distress to make a clear and well thought out decision. So allow yourself to calm down and reassess your strategy?

ahhh this came up after I replied.
So maybe take a step back and think about your options.
A beach is a nice idea. Take a blanket. Take a thermos.
Is a hotel room an option? Booked for 2 days to give you time and space?
Can you tell your parents you are going to stay at a friend's place?
If you must stay at home, have a waste basket in your room to throw up in... etc etc.

all these things take time and energy to think through and prepare.
Allow ourself to go not crying, you deserve to be in a better mindset in the last hours on earth.

Thank you so much for giving me your thoughts and letting me take your time. Thank you so much for your words.

If they heard me they would come and see what I'm doing, they are abusive and hurt me but they would without a doubt interrupt me and even though I will have taken the drugs by then I'm so afraid of them (they really hurt me badly) that I wouldn't know what to do. I could go to the beach, bit so many other worries come. If I go at night, or leave the house early to avoid rising suspicion, they would probably start looking for me if I don't come back by night... They wouldn't know where I went, but would that cause trouble? I have no friends and they know this, and they wouldn't let me stay anywhere even if I had. I wish I could think clearly.

If I had any money I would book a hotel room, but here where I live it's so expensive even one hour.

You are right, I know rationally nothing will save me (I don't want to either, I genuinely want to die) but the brain makes it all so painfully difficult.

 

[AliceTheGoon]

I don't live alone, I live with my abusive parents who don't speak to me (but still hurt me). I can be in my room for +10 hours uninterrupted but my fear is that I'll start vomiting and they will hear me.

You could test it...hang out in your room for a while and make loud vomiting noises and see what they do. If they barge in tell them you had dry heaves or something.

 

[Suicidal]

You could test it...hang out in your room for a while and make loud vomiting noises and see what they do. If they barge in tell them you had dry heaves or something.

They would definitely come and scream at me. I can't even make noise while crying (I am crying right now and even that has to be quietly) because they scream at me and pound at my bedroom door. It's terrifying living with them.

 

[wljourney]

They would definitely come and scream at me. I can't even make noise while crying (I am crying right now and even that has to be quietly) because they scream at me and pound at my bedroom door. It's terrifying living with them.

I'm sorry to ask this, but I assume you have contacted any possible helplines or even police? I mean... we all know cops suck, but if you are being held prisoner and abused, there should be organizations out there that will help.
A shelter? Social workers in your municipality? Anyone?
Do you want us to contact someone?

 

[juraviel]

i think it's pretty obvious this person is a minor and shouldnt be given help with ctb

 

[WaitingForMyRide]

i think it's pretty obvious this person is a minor and shouldnt be given help with ctb

I concur.

 

[Suicidal]

I concur.

I'm not a minor.

i think it's pretty obvious this person is a minor and shouldnt be given help with ctb

I'm not a minor. Adults can be abused too.

I'm sorry to ask this, but I assume you have contacted any possible helplines or even police? I mean... we all know cops suck, but if you are being held prisoner and abused, there should be organizations out there that will help.
A shelter? Social workers in your municipality? Anyone?
Do you want us to contact someone?

I don't live in America, and things here are worse than they are in developed countries, so there's no one to call... I just want to die, I want to do this.

 

[WaitingForMyRide]

My bad, sorry for jumping the gun.

 

[NeverEndingPain]

I'm not a minor.

I'm not a minor. Adults can be abused too.

I don't live in America, and things here are worse than they are in developed countries, so there's no one to call... I just want to die, I want to do this.

Do your parents ever go out? What about trying when they are asleep? If they hear you vomiting just say you aren't feeling well.

 

[Hollowillow]

I'm not a minor.

I'm not a minor. Adults can be abused too.

I don't live in America, and things here are worse than they are in developed countries, so there's no one to call... I just want to die, I want to do this.

I'd go in the woods. I read someone prepared 3 doses in case of vomit. I wish you could fight back just once before you go. I punched my mom, it gave me back my dignity.

I wish to die since I'm 11. I used to judge teen having "normal" life issues (breaking up, exams) wanting to die. But at 11, when I was first sexually abused, bullied, and unloved by my own mom... I knew what was waiting for me... More of it...

Maybe your parents cope by transfering society's abuse to you, to feel in control. And this is why I think the human race should die. They should protect you.

I read that peole can die even if they vomit. You have 2 doses so you can try again right away. You seem well prepared, I don't know that book? If It fails, you're unlikely to end up paralyzed like full hanging so you'll be able to try again. Put pressure off you by considering it a rehearsal. I fooled my SI into trying partial hanging this way. If you're found tell the police your parents abuse you, maybe they'll be shamed into giving you a break. So even failure can have some benefit. I wish you could flee but the entire society seems wrong if you can't call for help. You don't deserve to live or die in fear. I wish the harmful people died instead. Can you go live with other family? Rent a room with friends? "Borrow" parent's money for a hotel to cbd? But the woods might be hidden better than a beach. But as long as you find peace it's all that matters.

You have my best wishes.