Please help me guys the guilt is killing me

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

so over the last 4 years ive developed an incurable chronic illnes (theres like a shit ton of symptoms) that is debilitating and ruins my life and i have depression anxiety and social anxiety and my entire life has gone to shit because of my condition which makes me more depressed basically i dont wanna die i wish i could be cured but there is no cure for my condition so i have no choice ive made up my mind and i will be ctbing soon and i have 2 issues and i need u guys to offer any suggestions please
1. the guilt is killing me my family is never gonna recover they have always loved me and done so much and for me and the whole "oh but u wont be here when they experience these things" does not help me whatsoever the guilt is killing me i feel like a piece of shit for what im about to do for my family its disgusting
2. I've heard survival instinct is really bad are there any practical ways to overcome it while ctbing what factors influence your ability to overcome SI
im gonna be using SN
and yes ive tried treatment ive tried ketamine infusion therapy meds and ive been to 7 therapists and for 4 years straight ive been trying everything in my power to get better but this condition of mine robbed me of my life my life used to be amazing before this i had everything i wanted and everything was going well and then poof all gone so please dont tell me to seek help guys i hope u can help thank u for reading the whole thing if u did

 

[coffeebeany]

I m so sorry that you are going through so much pain and distress. A horrible situation to be in. I sympathize with you a lot. I am also in chronic pain due to illness (no cure). From what you write it sounds like you love your family very much and they must love you, too. Guilt is a tricky and normal feeling in a situation like this I believe. I think most of or a lot of us deal with leaving loved ones behind and what our actions will do to them. We would love to spare them these feelings. I think for me the "I won't be here when they grieve" is only a small part of coping with my guilt. What I know is that my partner and friends love me. And I know I will hurt them and I take full accountability for that part. But I also know that loss, grieve and pain are part of life. I hope they will forgive me because they know I am in much pain and a horrible situation. I hope they remember that I fought as long as I could and I loved them. I hope they find some solace that I am no longer in pain. And I know that it is their right to be sad, grieve and even feel anger. This helps with my feelings of grieve.

As vor survival instinct (SI). There are benzodiazepines that will ease anxiety and may help with SI.

 

[Anhaedra]

My family is the only reason Im still here so I understand. I have loving parents and siblings. I know they won't recover from it ever (or for a very long time.)

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

I m so sorry that you are going through so much pain and distress. A horrible situation to be in. I sympathize with you a lot. I am also in chronic pain due to illness (no cure). From what you write it sounds like you love your family very much and they must love you, too. Guilt is a tricky and normal feeling in a situation like this I believe. I think most of or a lot of us deal with leaving loved ones behind and what our actions will do to them. We would love to spare them this feeling. I think for me the "I won't be here when they grieve" is only a small part of coping with my guilt. What I know is that my partner and friends love me. And I know I will hurt them and I take full accountability for that part. But I also know that loss, grieve and pain are part of life. I hope they will forgive me because they know I am in much pain and a horrible situation. I hope they remember that I fought as long as I could and I loved them. I hope they find some solace that I am no longer in pain. And I know that it is their right to be sad, grieve and even feel anger. This helps with my feelings of grieve.

As vor survival instinct (SI). There are benzodiazepines that will ease anxiety and may help with SI.

yup i can only hope they'll forgive me thanks for responding. Im scared that the benzos might knock me out

My family is the only reason Im still here so I understand. I have loving parents and siblings. I know they won't recover from it ever (or for a very long time.)

it truly does suck

 

[coffeebeany]

. Im scared that the benzos might knock me out

Yes this is a fair point and this could lead to a failed attempt. Have you ever taken Benzos or do you access?

 

[ItsyBitsyWeetard]

Yes this is a fair point and this could lead to a failed attempt. Have you ever taken Benzos or do you access?

I think i mightve taken benzos in the past i dont remember and i could probably just book an appointment with a psych and get benzos

 

[coffeebeany]

I think i mightve taken benzos in the past i dont remember and i could probably just book an appointment with a psych and get benzos

If you get a subscription you could test how your body reacts. I ve taken some for anxiety and they helped. Don't know how much is too much but at least you ll have an idea. There are also a few posts about Benzos in this forum so I would definitely look them up.

 

[dust-in-the-wind]

I'm so sorry to hear of you're situation.
I get it. I've tried everything too. Alcohol could help SI.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be so horrible, it really sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's so cruel to me how there's all this suffering in existing. But anyway I wish you the best, I hope you find peace.

 

[NegevChina]

so over the last 4 years ive developed an incurable chronic illnes (theres like a shit ton of symptoms) that is debilitating and ruins my life and i have depression anxiety and social anxiety and my entire life has gone to shit because of my condition which makes me more depressed basically i dont wanna die i wish i could be cured but there is no cure for my condition so i have no choice ive made up my mind and i will be ctbing soon and i have 2 issues and i need u guys to offer any suggestions please
1. the guilt is killing me my family is never gonna recover they have always loved me and done so much and for me and the whole "oh but u wont be here when they experience these things" does not help me whatsoever the guilt is killing me i feel like a piece of shit for what im about to do for my family its disgusting
2. I've heard survival instinct is really bad are there any practical ways to overcome it while ctbing what factors influence your ability to overcome SI
im gonna be using SN
and yes ive tried treatment ive tried ketamine infusion therapy meds and ive been to 7 therapists and for 4 years straight ive been trying everything in my power to get better but this condition of mine robbed me of my life my life used to be amazing before this i had everything i wanted and everything was going well and then poof all gone so please dont tell me to seek help guys i hope u can help thank u for reading the whole thing if u did

I'm so sorry you feel like that. I totally understand the guilt because i'm dealing with the same feeling towards my frailly and children. My condition is getting worse from day to day. But I do understand that for them to see me deteriorate and may be hospitalized can be much worse. I still didnt reach rock bottom but I'm about to and I dont want them to witness me like that.