Dizzy_Dreams
I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time.
- Jun 25, 2020
- 297
Please help.
I'm going to make this as short as I can.
I never went to school as a kid.
My parents homeschooled me but never actually taught me much of anything at all.
I had no curriculums, education, or anything as a kid.
I didn't go to school, camps, or anything as a kid. My parents didn't even really raise me. My mom has three kids from a previous marriage that were in their teens when I was born and they dropped out of school and watched me and my younger brother.. so we stayed at home all day with my two older sisters while my mom and dad worked.
I was around yelling, fighting, family drama, had no education, was isolated inside the house, had no friends and was bullied by kids in the neighborhood. I was mentally and emotionally abused and went through some physical abuse as well..
There is a lot more to the story but I'm sure nobody really wants to hear it and it's really long..
At age almost 18 I finally got a job at the local grocery store and I was terrified because of my education and social skills.. I almost got fired because of my inability to preform right and how bad I was so socially the only reason I stayed was because the manager that took over for the other manager was nice. I didn't fit at all every other person on the front end went to the local high school and everyone else knew each other. Here I was living in this town since age 8 and only knew the kids that lived on my street that used to bully me.
My mom began taking money right away from me. She'd call me selfish if I didn't and would constantly need money for things.
They didn't give me education, help me with anything I wasn't even taught how to swim or tie my shoes and didn't want to teach my how to drive or anything didn't go to regular doctor visits or anything. I lived isolated inside behind a computer screen. The only family members I know are my mom, dad, four siblings, and my grandparents on my moms side.
At age 18 an online friend introduced me to someone she knew in real life and he messaged me and we began talking as friends and it progressed from there to us having a long distance relationship together. He eventually came to visit and then I visited him afterwards.. I was terrified I had never been alone before, out of my town, on a plane, or anything but I went because I wanted to be with him and by this point I knew I loved him a lot. After visiting I eventually moved down. My parents were not happy with this..
My boyfriend knew what my childhood was like and what my parents were like and how things were for me and that I had anxiety and stuff.. had I never met him I never would have left home or been okay. I left with two suitcases and a purse.
The only job ive ever been able to have is cashiering and it's incredibly hard for me because of my learning disabilities and mental illnesses..
Because of my mental health, learning issues, family issues, the way the world is and everything else I am having a hard time functioning and being okay.
My boyfriend knows everything I have gone through, knows everything trauma I have, I've poured myself out to him and explained everything to him. Him and my dog are the only two things I have that make getting out of bed worth it and even with them I struggle because of my major depressive disorder and other mental health issues I have.
Everyday is a constant battle between Anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, social issues, learning issues and everything else..
I have trusted my boyfriend with everything and have been there for him through many of his own struggles the best ways I've known how to. Family issues, him getting robbed at gun point, being there for him emotionally in the ways I can, physically being there for him ect basically due my very best to be a good girlfriend and friend and be there for him.
I have tried impatient and had a horrible negative experience, I tried outpatient for four months, medications, group therapy ect and nothing has helped me. When I talked to a woman with 211 and went fully in-depth with her about my circumstances she actually admitted to me she understood where I was coming from and that it's not as easily as people make it out to be and why I'm so stuck ect
My boyfriend has told me to get help and move forward in life or he is done and gone and that he's leaving and would take our dog we got together with him.. he says this is the third and final time that I am doing therapy and that it needs to work and I need to move forward or he's gone.
I've tried explaining to him why therapy isn't helping me and why I struggle so much I don't know the world and I have no one out in the world for me to go see and I have learning issues and mental health issues I'm slow and stuff.. he has told me to meet people and make friends but I don't relate to other 25 year olds or other people at all.. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I'm often confused and he tells me to unconfuse myself
He to comes for abuse his mom lost custody of him when he was a kid and was on drugs and an addict during his whole childhood, he was passed around to family, moved around a lot, his dad is easily angered.
He has complained about his family a lot about how his dad would use him, and abl it his mom being on drugs and everything else not going to get too much into his family but his family is aware of my mental health issues because he talks to them about it and they tell him that I need help and basically tell him how he should handle things and now I feel like a complete burden and a problem in my partner of five years because of everything..
He talks about how he wants to see his family more and how my social issues and mental health problems make it hard but he didn't see his mom for over the years because of her drug addiction, I was there for him two years ago when she relapsed, he has called his father a loser over and over again and has said how many times his dad has used him, I don't try to stop them from seeing his family but they don't like me because of my mental health issues they're only concerned with how it effects him and insist I need help and when the help doesn't help me they don't like hearing that. I have no family to go see my boyfriend has his mom, his moms boyfriend, three little brothers, a nana, dad, step mom, and cousin.. I have my younger brother and that's really it.
He said I need to get a move on with my shit and get better and progress into becoming something in life or he is done and will leave me on my own. He said earlier today that if I don't get better this time then what will happen meaning he will be leaving me at my parents again...
When I explain my trauma, circumstances, what major depressive disorder on its own is like and battling it with a bunch of other disorders he says he gets it and will say I'm right but then will go right back to snapping and telling me that if I don't do better he's done and gone.
I've explained to him major depressive disorder chronic depression and that it's treatment resistant but he doesn't get it..
He asked if I want to stop feeling with way and said I have to want to do better for myself I have explained to him that I don't like feeling this way at all and that I am doing the best I can and he just keeps saying to move forward
I've explained to him why "moving forward" is so hard and why it's not that simple and why I have things that factor into play as to why therapy and meds aren't helping me and he doesn't want to hear it.
When I talk to the 211 line and explain my background to them the two people I have gotten fully understand my circumstances of being a woman that grew up isolated and neglected and being 25 and not being okay. And even they don't have any real answers for me they have asked if my boyfriend knows the full circumstances and I explain yes that he does and they don't think he's fully understanding it.
I just feel like such a burden and a problem and everyone says I need help but the help isn't working and then he tells me I need inpatient which was such a negative experience for me and didn't work the first time
My brother said "well if you're having issues living in the real world what's locking you up in a hospital gonna do? That's not going to help it didn't worn the first time."
Nick said "well I don't have the damn answer to that but everyone that I know that's been to inpatient says that's what you need"
I explained to him that the same people I saw in inpatient did the outpatient program and how when they left inpatient they were right back to self harming, having suicidal thoughts, or having the issues they have but he says he doesn't want to hear about other people and that he doesn't give a fuck about the other people.
I started crying, shaking, and heart started beating fast because he thinks I'm not trying he said don't procrastinate and do all my programs and they need to work or he's done so I feel all this pressure.
It doesn't matter what therapy or assistance I do major depressive is a lifelong chronic depression on its own amongst all the other things I have.. but he doesn't want to hear theses things.
I feel like such a burden in a problem. I have no family to go to, no where feels like home, I could never survive on my own and I've only ever trusted Nick but its too much on him and he doesn't fully understand he has said himself he'll never understand it.
I don't want to bother him or upset him anymore. I feel my back is against the wall. I cried and told him to just take me back to my parents and he asked if that's what I want and I said no it's not and that I just want him to understand me and be there for me because I've opened up to him and told him everything and have explained it all to him.
I told him how other boyfriends and husbands that I've seen while in and of theses programs have girlfriend and wives that can't function well due to their major depressive disorder or issues and stuff and how I wished he could be the same because I've tried my best and that I've always tried to be there for him in the ways I could and knew how and he said those husbands/boyfriends live within their means because of their partners and that wants to live above that.
He told me to stop crying and just go to sleep and that it's not that hard to do.
I don't know what to do. No one actually understands even the woman with 211 said nobody understands and that they'll pretend like they do and say things they think they should say because they don't know what else to do. I have nothing to really look forward to everything is a battle..
There's no way I would survive on my own or be okay on my own but he just says to learn and get help and that they'll teach me how and that other people get through it and do what they have to do in life and that I need to due the same.
His own cousin that's 17 has bad anxiety and couldn't even be in the same room at Christmas with her own family because it was too many people for her and when I point theses things out and say well if your cousin that's gone to school, had less issues than me and a supportive mom and stuff can't even be in the same room has too many of her own family members then how to do you someone with my illnesses, learning issues, and background would function he will say I am right and will agree and understand and then quickly go right back to saying he guesses he will never understand and goes right back to getting upset over the fact that therapy and counseling isn't helping me.
If his mom or dad says anything to him about how to handle me, or what need to be done, or anything about me he will right away start thinking how they do and saying what they say and then I just feel confused and like a problem. I love him so much and I love my dog but I constantly feel like a burden and he can't understand why their my only reasons to live and why I need him so much. Even the lady with 211 agreed with therapy only does so much and why I'm so vulnerable..
I've given my boyfriend every little piece of me I've ever had to give and after five years I feel like I'm just gonna be thrown away because of my issues when I say theses things to him he says he's not throwing me away but that I need to move forward and I have explained to him why it's so hard and he just doesn't get it.
He wants to move forward this his life and I guess my mental health issues and loneness and issues are holding him back.. he doesn't understand the loneness I feel is something only he can feel not other friends, or another man, or anyone else or anything else.
My bond and friendship and connection to him keeps me going the only how I can but I know it's not good enough. It hurts because no family would family mourn me if I wasn't around besides my younger brother and my dad, the only real friend I have and her older sister. I know he would easily move on because he has family and wouldn't ever have to hear about my issues anymore, and there's plenty of others girls and he would have our dog. He even mentioned that when I was gone that my dog was fine without me and that she was happy and "a okay" and that if anything ever were to happen to me or us she would do fine and do what she has to do to live her life to the fullest, I don't want my dog to suffer but it reminded me just how fast people move on no matter what role you played in their lives.. I know if I wasn't around anymore everyone would be okay. He said I have to live for myself and that others have told him if I can't do that then I need inpatient help and I have explained to him why it didn't help me and the negative experience I had.
He has told me to start getting my stuff going and move forward for he's done and gone.
I'm going to make this as short as I can.
I never went to school as a kid.
My parents homeschooled me but never actually taught me much of anything at all.
I had no curriculums, education, or anything as a kid.
I didn't go to school, camps, or anything as a kid. My parents didn't even really raise me. My mom has three kids from a previous marriage that were in their teens when I was born and they dropped out of school and watched me and my younger brother.. so we stayed at home all day with my two older sisters while my mom and dad worked.
I was around yelling, fighting, family drama, had no education, was isolated inside the house, had no friends and was bullied by kids in the neighborhood. I was mentally and emotionally abused and went through some physical abuse as well..
There is a lot more to the story but I'm sure nobody really wants to hear it and it's really long..
At age almost 18 I finally got a job at the local grocery store and I was terrified because of my education and social skills.. I almost got fired because of my inability to preform right and how bad I was so socially the only reason I stayed was because the manager that took over for the other manager was nice. I didn't fit at all every other person on the front end went to the local high school and everyone else knew each other. Here I was living in this town since age 8 and only knew the kids that lived on my street that used to bully me.
My mom began taking money right away from me. She'd call me selfish if I didn't and would constantly need money for things.
They didn't give me education, help me with anything I wasn't even taught how to swim or tie my shoes and didn't want to teach my how to drive or anything didn't go to regular doctor visits or anything. I lived isolated inside behind a computer screen. The only family members I know are my mom, dad, four siblings, and my grandparents on my moms side.
At age 18 an online friend introduced me to someone she knew in real life and he messaged me and we began talking as friends and it progressed from there to us having a long distance relationship together. He eventually came to visit and then I visited him afterwards.. I was terrified I had never been alone before, out of my town, on a plane, or anything but I went because I wanted to be with him and by this point I knew I loved him a lot. After visiting I eventually moved down. My parents were not happy with this..
My boyfriend knew what my childhood was like and what my parents were like and how things were for me and that I had anxiety and stuff.. had I never met him I never would have left home or been okay. I left with two suitcases and a purse.
The only job ive ever been able to have is cashiering and it's incredibly hard for me because of my learning disabilities and mental illnesses..
Because of my mental health, learning issues, family issues, the way the world is and everything else I am having a hard time functioning and being okay.
My boyfriend knows everything I have gone through, knows everything trauma I have, I've poured myself out to him and explained everything to him. Him and my dog are the only two things I have that make getting out of bed worth it and even with them I struggle because of my major depressive disorder and other mental health issues I have.
Everyday is a constant battle between Anxiety, depression, PTSD, ADHD, social issues, learning issues and everything else..
I have trusted my boyfriend with everything and have been there for him through many of his own struggles the best ways I've known how to. Family issues, him getting robbed at gun point, being there for him emotionally in the ways I can, physically being there for him ect basically due my very best to be a good girlfriend and friend and be there for him.
I have tried impatient and had a horrible negative experience, I tried outpatient for four months, medications, group therapy ect and nothing has helped me. When I talked to a woman with 211 and went fully in-depth with her about my circumstances she actually admitted to me she understood where I was coming from and that it's not as easily as people make it out to be and why I'm so stuck ect
My boyfriend has told me to get help and move forward in life or he is done and gone and that he's leaving and would take our dog we got together with him.. he says this is the third and final time that I am doing therapy and that it needs to work and I need to move forward or he's gone.
I've tried explaining to him why therapy isn't helping me and why I struggle so much I don't know the world and I have no one out in the world for me to go see and I have learning issues and mental health issues I'm slow and stuff.. he has told me to meet people and make friends but I don't relate to other 25 year olds or other people at all.. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I'm often confused and he tells me to unconfuse myself
He to comes for abuse his mom lost custody of him when he was a kid and was on drugs and an addict during his whole childhood, he was passed around to family, moved around a lot, his dad is easily angered.
He has complained about his family a lot about how his dad would use him, and abl it his mom being on drugs and everything else not going to get too much into his family but his family is aware of my mental health issues because he talks to them about it and they tell him that I need help and basically tell him how he should handle things and now I feel like a complete burden and a problem in my partner of five years because of everything..
He talks about how he wants to see his family more and how my social issues and mental health problems make it hard but he didn't see his mom for over the years because of her drug addiction, I was there for him two years ago when she relapsed, he has called his father a loser over and over again and has said how many times his dad has used him, I don't try to stop them from seeing his family but they don't like me because of my mental health issues they're only concerned with how it effects him and insist I need help and when the help doesn't help me they don't like hearing that. I have no family to go see my boyfriend has his mom, his moms boyfriend, three little brothers, a nana, dad, step mom, and cousin.. I have my younger brother and that's really it.
He said I need to get a move on with my shit and get better and progress into becoming something in life or he is done and will leave me on my own. He said earlier today that if I don't get better this time then what will happen meaning he will be leaving me at my parents again...
When I explain my trauma, circumstances, what major depressive disorder on its own is like and battling it with a bunch of other disorders he says he gets it and will say I'm right but then will go right back to snapping and telling me that if I don't do better he's done and gone.
I've explained to him major depressive disorder chronic depression and that it's treatment resistant but he doesn't get it..
He asked if I want to stop feeling with way and said I have to want to do better for myself I have explained to him that I don't like feeling this way at all and that I am doing the best I can and he just keeps saying to move forward
I've explained to him why "moving forward" is so hard and why it's not that simple and why I have things that factor into play as to why therapy and meds aren't helping me and he doesn't want to hear it.
When I talk to the 211 line and explain my background to them the two people I have gotten fully understand my circumstances of being a woman that grew up isolated and neglected and being 25 and not being okay. And even they don't have any real answers for me they have asked if my boyfriend knows the full circumstances and I explain yes that he does and they don't think he's fully understanding it.
I just feel like such a burden and a problem and everyone says I need help but the help isn't working and then he tells me I need inpatient which was such a negative experience for me and didn't work the first time
My brother said "well if you're having issues living in the real world what's locking you up in a hospital gonna do? That's not going to help it didn't worn the first time."
Nick said "well I don't have the damn answer to that but everyone that I know that's been to inpatient says that's what you need"
I explained to him that the same people I saw in inpatient did the outpatient program and how when they left inpatient they were right back to self harming, having suicidal thoughts, or having the issues they have but he says he doesn't want to hear about other people and that he doesn't give a fuck about the other people.
I started crying, shaking, and heart started beating fast because he thinks I'm not trying he said don't procrastinate and do all my programs and they need to work or he's done so I feel all this pressure.
It doesn't matter what therapy or assistance I do major depressive is a lifelong chronic depression on its own amongst all the other things I have.. but he doesn't want to hear theses things.
I feel like such a burden in a problem. I have no family to go to, no where feels like home, I could never survive on my own and I've only ever trusted Nick but its too much on him and he doesn't fully understand he has said himself he'll never understand it.
I don't want to bother him or upset him anymore. I feel my back is against the wall. I cried and told him to just take me back to my parents and he asked if that's what I want and I said no it's not and that I just want him to understand me and be there for me because I've opened up to him and told him everything and have explained it all to him.
I told him how other boyfriends and husbands that I've seen while in and of theses programs have girlfriend and wives that can't function well due to their major depressive disorder or issues and stuff and how I wished he could be the same because I've tried my best and that I've always tried to be there for him in the ways I could and knew how and he said those husbands/boyfriends live within their means because of their partners and that wants to live above that.
He told me to stop crying and just go to sleep and that it's not that hard to do.
I don't know what to do. No one actually understands even the woman with 211 said nobody understands and that they'll pretend like they do and say things they think they should say because they don't know what else to do. I have nothing to really look forward to everything is a battle..
There's no way I would survive on my own or be okay on my own but he just says to learn and get help and that they'll teach me how and that other people get through it and do what they have to do in life and that I need to due the same.
His own cousin that's 17 has bad anxiety and couldn't even be in the same room at Christmas with her own family because it was too many people for her and when I point theses things out and say well if your cousin that's gone to school, had less issues than me and a supportive mom and stuff can't even be in the same room has too many of her own family members then how to do you someone with my illnesses, learning issues, and background would function he will say I am right and will agree and understand and then quickly go right back to saying he guesses he will never understand and goes right back to getting upset over the fact that therapy and counseling isn't helping me.
If his mom or dad says anything to him about how to handle me, or what need to be done, or anything about me he will right away start thinking how they do and saying what they say and then I just feel confused and like a problem. I love him so much and I love my dog but I constantly feel like a burden and he can't understand why their my only reasons to live and why I need him so much. Even the lady with 211 agreed with therapy only does so much and why I'm so vulnerable..
I've given my boyfriend every little piece of me I've ever had to give and after five years I feel like I'm just gonna be thrown away because of my issues when I say theses things to him he says he's not throwing me away but that I need to move forward and I have explained to him why it's so hard and he just doesn't get it.
He wants to move forward this his life and I guess my mental health issues and loneness and issues are holding him back.. he doesn't understand the loneness I feel is something only he can feel not other friends, or another man, or anyone else or anything else.
My bond and friendship and connection to him keeps me going the only how I can but I know it's not good enough. It hurts because no family would family mourn me if I wasn't around besides my younger brother and my dad, the only real friend I have and her older sister. I know he would easily move on because he has family and wouldn't ever have to hear about my issues anymore, and there's plenty of others girls and he would have our dog. He even mentioned that when I was gone that my dog was fine without me and that she was happy and "a okay" and that if anything ever were to happen to me or us she would do fine and do what she has to do to live her life to the fullest, I don't want my dog to suffer but it reminded me just how fast people move on no matter what role you played in their lives.. I know if I wasn't around anymore everyone would be okay. He said I have to live for myself and that others have told him if I can't do that then I need inpatient help and I have explained to him why it didn't help me and the negative experience I had.
He has told me to start getting my stuff going and move forward for he's done and gone.
