Venting Please God I can’t take it

[willitpass]

I can't do this anymore. I've not been able to do this anymore for years and I'm so fucking angry that I'm still here. I'm still alive when I should have been gone so long ago. My body and mind are beyond exhausted. The little things that still give me joy don't last long because I fatigue so quickly. My mind is going, I can't ever think clearly anymore. Somehow my life is still somewhat put together despite the increasing chronic pain I've put on myself. My body aches. My stomach always hurts. I'm always so so tired. And mentally it's a struggle to just exist. Every day I fight with myself. I don't have any fight left, yet I've been saying that to myself for years and somehow I'm still here. I feel like I'm a fraud, like I've lied to myself. I can only hope I don't make it to the end of the year.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

You're not a fraud, you've put up with pain for so long and that struggle eventually leads to an exhaustion beyond comprehension. Few realize the utter toll this takes on a person, when you're trudging on with no hope for a better tomorrow. While dealing with your own struggles, you've also managed to be a kind, helpful, and valued member of this community, which is no easy feat when life is being a menace.

But I get it, we've been on this site for a similar amount of time, and I think the outside world's perceptions of what a suicidal person is "supposed" to look and act like inevitably warps our perceptions of ourselves. It's easy to feel like the boy who cried wolf, when there are so many unkind and incorrect assumptions about suicidal people, and there is a noticeable dearth of awareness about how it feels to be suicidal for years, when that pain lingers and lingers on, and yet you're still here. The persistence of pain does not make it any less visceral or real.

I feel the exact same way, constantly questioning why I am still here when my body and mind gave up ages ago, and the aches, pains, and fatigue have become permanent. Always hoping something else will just take me out in my sleep so I don't have to do it myself. It is very lonesome when being suicidal is this long, slow burn rather than a short burst of angry passion that quickly fizzes out like most people expect. Wishing you the best, I know how awful this feeling is and it's so deeply unfair.

 

[willitpass]

You're not a fraud, you've put up with pain for so long and that struggle eventually leads to an exhaustion beyond comprehension. Few realize the utter toll this takes on a person, when you're trudging on with no hope for a better tomorrow. While dealing with your own struggles, you've also managed to be a kind, helpful, and valued member of this community, which is no easy feat when life is being a menace.

But I get it, we've been on this site for a similar amount of time, and I think the outside world's perceptions of what a suicidal person is "supposed" to look and act like inevitably warps our perceptions of ourselves. It's easy to feel like the boy who cried wolf, when there are so many unkind and incorrect assumptions about suicidal people, and there is a noticeable dearth of awareness about how it feels to be suicidal for years, when that pain lingers and lingers on, and yet you're still here. The persistence of pain does not make it any less visceral or real.

I feel the exact same way, constantly questioning why I am still here when my body and mind gave up ages ago, and the aches, pains, and fatigue have become permanent. Always hoping something else will just take me out in my sleep so I don't have to do it myself. It is very lonesome when being suicidal is this long, slow burn rather than a short burst of angry passion that quickly fizzes out like most people expect. Wishing you the best, I know how awful this feeling is and it's so deeply unfair.

It's a horrible thing to have resorted to severe self harm because I have no sense of self worth and just praying that it ultimately takes me out because at this point I'm worried I'll never successfully CTB. I've survived things doctors have told me I should not have survived and yet I'm still here. I've stooped to the level of microoverdosing on Tylenol, Aspirin, and ibuprofen every day in hopes that I shut down my liver and kidneys or start bleeding internally and die from it. It's so painful, I've started waking up in my sleep from the stomach cramps, it hurts to eat, but I deserve the pain.

When people say mental illness is 100% treatable anymore I just laugh. I'd like them to walk a mile in my shoes. Years and years of trauma from mental health treatment AND still severely, severely depressed. Spend a day in my mind and tell me everyone can be helped.

 

[PINKIESISU]

I can't do this anymore. I've not been able to do this anymore for years and I'm so fucking angry that I'm still here. I'm still alive when I should have been gone so long ago. My body and mind are beyond exhausted. The little things that still give me joy don't last long because I fatigue so quickly. My mind is going, I can't ever think clearly anymore. Somehow my life is still somewhat put together despite the increasing chronic pain I've put on myself. My body aches. My stomach always hurts. I'm always so so tired. And mentally it's a struggle to just exist. Every day I fight with myself. I don't have any fight left, yet I've been saying that to myself for years and somehow I'm still here. I feel like I'm a fraud, like I've lied to myself. I can only hope I don't make it to the end of the year.

Too bad God doesn't give a shit about how you feel and how much you hate this life because he doesn't that's why I'm still here even after shit I've tried yeah God doesn't give a fuck it's only his agenda his plan pretty shitty if you ask me if I was a supreme being and I saw something suffering as much as I am or you or anyone else I would have definitely allowed them to leave of their own free will without any struggle without any pain and I would understand that they were just saying I've had enough of this shit it's not for me I'm not a part of it I have no connection with it I want to move on to something else more pure to myself ........too bad I'm not a supreme being huh

 

[DEATH IS FREEDOM]

I am pretty much in the same situation. The last few years have been pointless suffering and the recent months even worse because of incurable health problems. The only solution is self-euthanasia. I am not able to travel abroad. I have no choice when the politicians refuse to introduce euthanasia in my country. But I have been a coward. I have to get motivated enough: How can I accept meaningless pain? What ailment will I get tomorrow? How sick will a be next week? Look at an old photograph of myself and then look at myself in the mirror - why continue to live with that appearance? Who wants to date me - not even myself. How will I look, how sick and broken will my body become when I am ninety years old - that would be the worst nightmare. Why allow mean relatives to force me to be tormented for decades? It is my life and it is my death.