Venting Please dont judge me

[lone3wolf7]

Hi everyone ,

I am going to vent out that's been running off my mind... it might not be a story that might sound sad to many of you... it's just my story.

I was a good kid.... but too good is always bad .... too good to Ace .... kids in the school didnt like me... started bullying me .... physically, which made me lose all my confidence. But why did I keep studying ? Because, I wanted to prove myself to my parents. I was never enough for my parents in comparison to my sibling ... I kept working , but never enough. In addition to the bullying at school, and repeated beatings/insults from my parents and teachers. This continued and worsened by the time I completed high school.

Wait... I was still positive and I wanted to study something I like. Forget whatever happened at school and buried it in. But I was made to study something I didnt like. Not much money was spent by my parents as most was got through by scholarship.
I wasted my time at university. Everything was going south until i met my soul mate.. I was upside down... I forgot everything that happened. Perhaps, that's what the red pill does... kept me moving till my undergrad. I got a job. I thought it was a happy ending now..

I was earning enough. I switched jobs and started earning a little more. But, life always gives lemons. The red pill that kept me ticking blew off, cheated on me and went away. Devastated , as I was going to propose.

All things came rushing back and I realised how I have been doing things that I didnt like , my whole life so far. I turned to alcohol, cigarettes and weed sometimes, if my friends had it. Got so bad that I was termed alcoholic. So bad, I couldn't sleep without atleast a case of beers or 4 large glasses of liquor.

I still didnt want to give up. I still wanted to make it through. So, I saved up some money, moved out of country and went on to do what I always do best. Study. Started my post grad degree. I was termed best in class. It was only a term that I stayed sober. By the end of the term, my ex had to call me and inform me of her marriage which I never wanted to hear... but i did. Things went south again, turned into someone again. Went worse than before. Good student in the morning, alcoholic at night and managed to do my part time job in order to pay my expenses. I slept only 3 to 4 hours a day. Got out of my university once again..

Got a job again that everyone dreamt of. Paid me well. Still alcoholic, still smoking. And it came to a point where I feel like I lost my purpose in life. I dont like whatever I am doing. A friend of mine who is a doctor termed me as a highly functional alcoholic who is gonna break one day.

I think that day has come. I feel like I cannot do something without any purpose. I cannot laugh at jokes. I would be the most emotionless person you will find. I find no purpose in life after all. It's just a journey to death. Why dont I just take it off and be off with it than going through past, waiting for my possible cancer, feeling left out. I made some friends through all this who is trying to cheer me up. I am thankful for them.

I want to vent more.. but guess I will stop and get ready to purchase my few bottles of N.

I dunno if I have vented out. It might just be a story of a regular kid who grew up to be alcoholic and who is about to have his share of alcohol for the night.

I still feel as a pisces, .... as a pisces, the oldest soul, there would be no reincarnation .


Pardon my English, it's not my first language.

 

[Chalken]

We won't judge you here. Thanks for telling us your story. I'm sorry you went through so much, this world really does suck. I hope you find peace either way. I can relate to you in feeling emotionless, as well as having no purpose in life, it makes you feel like an alien.

Also, your English is pretty good.

 

[Escaper Boy]

No. No one is going to judge you. At least, I won't.

I believe you are smarter and more functional than me. So, I can only give you my empathy. You had been through a lot. That's for sure. I wish I can offer you a better perspective or something to ease your suffering. I remembered struggling finding my purpose in life. Or at least, some kind of meaning to my existence in this chaotic world.

Nowadays, I've grown to feel content inside mundane reality. Not by choice, but due to necessity in order to stay sane in life filled with turmoil. I've grown accustomed living a "meaningless" life in a world that put "life purpose" on the pedestal.

I believe, you just by existing, are still "meaningful", even without purpose. I hope you can get back on your feet soon, despite the ground constantly conspiring to make you fall. Oh, stay away from intoxicants. They won't do you any good.

Take care.

 

[JadedGray]

Your English is good. I like your point of view on life, "I find no purpose in life after all. It's just a journey to death". Thanks for sharing your story and sorry you're here.

 

[Sanguinius]

hey, tell us as much as you want. we are here, we will listen.
sad story, kids can be such brutal. I think that is a huge part of my story. For me, it was only when I was a little child, but that leaves its marks...
take care & all the best.

 

[Ashpac]

The not laughing at jokes, unemotional and feel you have no purpose in life = Thats me all in one.
Well done for studying for so long and doing well at it with that well paid job. Thats more than what I done.
I hope the N takes away your pain, not that i want you to die, but to be pain free.

 

[lone3wolf7]

No. No one is going to judge you. At least, I won't.

I believe you are smarter and more functional than me. So, I can only give you my empathy. You had been through a lot. That's for sure. I wish I can offer you a better perspective or something to ease your suffering. I remembered struggling finding my purpose in life. Or at least, some kind of meaning to my existence in this chaotic world.

Nowadays, I've grown to feel content inside mundane reality. Not by choice, but due to necessity in order to stay sane in life filled with turmoil. I've grown accustomed living a "meaningless" life in a world that put "life purpose" on the pedestal.

I believe, you just by existing, are still "meaningful", even without purpose. I hope you can get back on your feet soon, despite the ground constantly conspiring to make you fall. Oh, stay away from intoxicants. They won't do you any good.

Take care.

Thank you! For taking some time and reading this story. It means a lot to me...

And, getting back on my feet is something I still have the will power to do. Atleast, that's what I believe. But I dont want to. I just want peace now. Everlasting peace... I hope n brings it to me. If not, I believe the forum should show me a peaceful path to ctb.

We won't judge you here. Thanks for telling us your story. I'm sorry you went through so much, this world really does suck. I hope you find peace either way. I can relate to you in feeling emotionless, as well as having no purpose in life, it makes you feel like an alien.

Also, your English is pretty good.

Thanks for reading my story.. it means a lot to me. Really!

And Yeah, tired of being an alien. I simply cannot pretend anymore.
I hope I get my n soon. I am in a state of mind to get it done quickly.... but I dont want to fail it. So, I will better wait for n.

Your English is good. I like your point of view on life, "I find no purpose in life after all. It's just a journey to death". Thanks for sharing your story and sorry you're here.

Thanks. Death is inevitable, let's just take control of it.

hey, tell us as much as you want. we are here, we will listen.
sad story, kids can be such brutal. I think that is a huge part of my story. For me, it was only when I was a little child, but that leaves its marks...
take care & all the best.

I dont know why, your words connect with me a lot. Not because you had a troubled childhood or something, but something else. It feels like you are sitting next to me and saying it. I cant seem to pin it down why it feels like that to me. Thanks a ton for reading...

hey, tell us as much as you want. we are here, we will listen.
sad story, kids can be such brutal. I think that is a huge part of my story. For me, it was only when I was a little child, but that leaves its marks...
take care & all the best.

I dont know why, your words connect with me a lot. Not because you had a troubled childhood or something, but something else. It feels like you are sitting next to me and saying it. I cant seem to pin it down why it feels like that to me.

You remind me of all the good people I had in my life. I am only afraid about them , I dont want them to feel sad. I should start severing my ties with them, while I get my package.

Thanks a ton for reading...

The not laughing at jokes, unemotional and feel you have no purpose in life = Thats me all in one.
Well done for studying for so long and doing well at it with that well paid job. Thats more than what I done.
I hope the N takes away your pain, not that i want you to die, but to be pain free.

I hope , and I am betting my life on N. As much as I want to die soon, I am holding everything together just for N. Just to be sure that I will die, and not be a failed suicide attempt.

 

[Sanguinius]

I don't know why, it's just an feeling, but I want you to know, that it's ok.

 

[TristanReveur]

Hello, lone3wolf7!

I think you did a good job in your life. But what is the poblem now? How to stop drinkng?

 

[lone3wolf7]

Hello, lone3wolf7!

I think you did a good job in your life. But what is the poblem now? How to stop drinkng?

I can do that.. take couple therapies, get out it. I still feel like I have the will power to do it. But that's not the point.

Even if I dont drink, I will ctb no matter what ..I am just tired of living this rat race. What am I gaining by living my life ?? Its not a hasty decision I made now. The thought has been running on the back of my mind for almost a decade... I am just acting on it now. I feel I shouldn't have come this far.

Besides, I have not vented everything...

 

[TristanReveur]

IMHO, you have goal in you life - to stop drinking. For example for 1 year. (to say and to do - are diffrent things). Do it for YOURSELF, and after that do whatever you want. But in this case you will be shure that drinking is not a real problem. IMHO.

 

[Deardaddy]

U seems perfectly alright . Couldn't find any issues in your life, life is all abt ups and down.

 

[Roberto]

I can do that.. take couple therapies, get out it. I still feel like I have the will power to do it. But that's not the point.

Even if I dont drink, I will ctb no matter what ..I am just tired of living this rat race. What am I gaining by living my life ?? Its not a hasty decision I made now. The thought has been running on the back of my mind for almost a decade... I am just acting on it now. I feel I shouldn't have come this far.

Besides, I have not vented everything...

Why don't you complete your story? I don't think here we can judge.

I feel somehow identified with your story. Just that I'm a looser : low functional. No university. I would like to try another time (3 times I tried) now I'm 44 years old. I wish I was perfectionist. The things related could be your parents behavior. Now I'm a casual drinker, I don't know if it's a problem yet.

 

[Dead beat dad]

Hi everyone ,

I am going to vent out that's been running off my mind... it might not be a story that might sound sad to many of you... it's just my story.

I was a good kid.... but too good is always bad .... too good to Ace .... kids in the school didnt like me... started bullying me .... physically, which made me lose all my confidence. But why did I keep studying ? Because, I wanted to prove myself to my parents. I was never enough for my parents in comparison to my sibling ... I kept working , but never enough. In addition to the bullying at school, and repeated beatings/insults from my parents and teachers. This continued and worsened by the time I completed high school.

Wait... I was still positive and I wanted to study something I like. Forget whatever happened at school and buried it in. But I was made to study something I didnt like. Not much money was spent by my parents as most was got through by scholarship.
I wasted my time at university. Everything was going south until i met my soul mate.. I was upside down... I forgot everything that happened. Perhaps, that's what the red pill does... kept me moving till my undergrad. I got a job. I thought it was a happy ending now..

I was earning enough. I switched jobs and started earning a little more. But, life always gives lemons. The red pill that kept me ticking blew off, cheated on me and went away. Devastated , as I was going to propose.

All things came rushing back and I realised how I have been doing things that I didnt like , my whole life so far. I turned to alcohol, cigarettes and weed sometimes, if my friends had it. Got so bad that I was termed alcoholic. So bad, I couldn't sleep without atleast a case of beers or 4 large glasses of liquor.

I still didnt want to give up. I still wanted to make it through. So, I saved up some money, moved out of country and went on to do what I always do best. Study. Started my post grad degree. I was termed best in class. It was only a term that I stayed sober. By the end of the term, my ex had to call me and inform me of her marriage which I never wanted to hear... but i did. Things went south again, turned into someone again. Went worse than before. Good student in the morning, alcoholic at night and managed to do my part time job in order to pay my expenses. I slept only 3 to 4 hours a day. Got out of my university once again..

Got a job again that everyone dreamt of. Paid me well. Still alcoholic, still smoking. And it came to a point where I feel like I lost my purpose in life. I dont like whatever I am doing. A friend of mine who is a doctor termed me as a highly functional alcoholic who is gonna break one day.

I think that day has come. I feel like I cannot do something without any purpose. I cannot laugh at jokes. I would be the most emotionless person you will find. I find no purpose in life after all. It's just a journey to death. Why dont I just take it off and be off with it than going through past, waiting for my possible cancer, feeling left out. I made some friends through all this who is trying to cheer me up. I am thankful for them.

I want to vent more.. but guess I will stop and get ready to purchase my few bottles of N.

I dunno if I have vented out. It might just be a story of a regular kid who grew up to be alcoholic and who is about to have his share of alcohol for the night.

I still feel as a pisces, .... as a pisces, the oldest soul, there would be no reincarnation .


Pardon my English, it's not my first language.

Hello brother. Many of us have had battles with the bottle and will know at least in part what you're going through.
I'm sorry to hear of your pain, I wish there was something I could do to wash that pain away.
I know this is not possible but for what it is worth I wish you love and peace.
People 'medicate' pain (physical and emotional) in all kinds of ways, the pain goes to be only to be replaced and eventually eclipsed by pain from their chosen 'medication (booze, pill, exercise, eating).'
Even past the alcohol and cigarettes there will still be that deep rooted (or indeed several) cause of your unhappiness.
Easy to say, not easy to do, but what thoughts have you given to seeking some professional help?
Good luck friend
DBD

 

[Alchemist]

No one will judge you, we are here for support and we are passing through similar stuff in some way or another.

 

[lone3wolf7]

U seems perfectly alright . Couldn't find any issues in your life, life is all abt ups and down.

So, what's the point of ups and downs ??? Where does it end ?? For me, it looks like the happy moments in my life were very little... nothing lasted. I dont want to keep fighting or running this race... I just want to quit out of it , completely. I am really tired.

I am sorry. I cannot express everything through words.

Hello brother. Many of us have had battles with the bottle and will know at least in part what you're going through.
I'm sorry to hear of your pain, I wish there was something I could do to wash that pain away.
I know this is not possible but for what it is worth I wish you love and peace.
People 'medicate' pain (physical and emotional) in all kinds of ways, the pain goes to be only to be replaced and eventually eclipsed by pain from their chosen 'medication (booze, pill, exercise, eating).'
Even past the alcohol and cigarettes there will still be that deep rooted (or indeed several) cause of your unhappiness.
Easy to say, not easy to do, but what thoughts have you given to seeking some professional help?
Good luck friend
DBD

I did. That was back in my home country. I went for almost an year. Gave me capsules. The doctor told I wouldn't feel tired and I would be more active. Made everything worse initially. I thought things will improve, only to know that it never did.

 

[Ruffian]

I can only echo what others have said here - no one is going to judge you for anything here. And like you, my only successes in life have been with school, and even that was a struggle. I struggle with substance abuse, but I'm termed somewhat "functional" because I can usually keep it together long enough to hold a job for 6 months or so. Like you, I hate my chosen career with a seething passion, and I've been burned out for a good 15 years. But with the US economy and the lack of skill growth available in my field, I'm just stuck. I'm self-medicating underlying mental health issues that I just don't feel like detailing here. So even when I'm clean and sober, I've had "episodes" where I just totally flip out and do something really self-destructive and self-sabotaging. I know a couple people said to stop drinking and see if things change - it is something to consider. It really didn't change things all that much for me when I quit drugs for years - but it may have had to do with an overbearing therapist I continued to see until the internet came around and I started to realize how emotionally abusive she was. That being said, my boyfriend quit drinking 14 years ago and he is pretty much just a normal guy now. He doesn't have the same level of book smarts it takes to get through a university program, but I'm convinced he's a happier person because of it. If that makes sense. He was a die hard alcoholic and only quit because he was in a coma for 4 days and they told him at the hospital if he slipped and even hit his head one more time he was going to die. But he went to rehab and now he's just a regular guy. Which in a way is great for me to have found love so relatively late in life, but my constant battles with depression and moods really make me want to end it. I just think about the effect it will have on him and it stops me.

So yeah, quitting drinking is something to consider, but just don't go in thinking your life will magically turn around the minute you put the bottle down. There's good reasons to drink, and dealing with them can be difficult. Also, DO NOT under any circumstances quit cold turkey on your own, or go to some dysfunctional AA meeting where they will tell you it's possible to detox on your own. If you have been drinking as heavily as you say for as long as you have, an alcohol detox could kill you. You will need a medically supervised, inpatient detox. That will keep you safe. I don't know what's available in your country, and I was never that into alcohol, so I can't tell you exactly what the experience will be like. I do know they had to give my boyfriend Valium for his detox and then they slowly weaned him off that. He wasn't even on that long-term, because it can be addicting too. But if you're coming off alcohol, you need it to replace alcohol's effect on your GABA receptors. This is no joke, if you're hell-bent on ending it all with N, then I wish you peace and the comfort that life couldn't provide. Bullying is horrible - I was the bullied fat kid and no matter what my weight is as adult, I cannot ever wear anything revealing or body conscious. I understand there are parts of it you just never get over.

I know this is a long post, but I really feel for you and your story. The bullying, losing love, the unsatisfactory work experience, the pretty much useless abiltiy to pass university exams and write papers, these are all part of my story. I guess I was lucky to find love, but my sporadic ability to work makes me feel like such a burden and I know that's a major reason that makes people want to ctb. But seriously, I can't stress enough if you decide to quit drinking to make sure you do it in a medical facility. You can detox off of heroin at home with less chance of dying. I would also add that more and more people are starting to come out of the woodwork about how fucked up 12 step groups are in general, including AA. I am definitely in this camp, but I would never tell someone not to try AA if it's available in your area. It does work for some people (percentages are debatable since it's anonymous,) so after a safe detox it many help.

Whatever you decide, peace, brother.

 

[lone3wolf7]

IMHO, you have goal in you life - to stop drinking. For example for 1 year. (to say and to do - are diffrent things). Do it for YOURSELF, and after that do whatever you want. But in this case you will be shure that drinking is not a real problem. IMHO.

1 year ??? I can stop it today until the day I catch the bus. But I don't think that will be 1 year. Thanks

 

[Soul]

@lone3wolf7, you sound so weary - you need a time-out for sure. I hope you can do that for yourself before you do anything irreversible. I mean: go ahead and order n if that's your chosen method, but I hope you can try to get some rest too.

What are the ups and downs for ... One idea I have is that in the space spirits occupy before birth and after death, we all simply decided to have lives, much as one might choose to go on a roller coaster, just for the sensation. And afterward we'll tumble off laughing and swearing - gad, that was a lot pukier than I expected! o.0

Here are some empathetic hugs. Get some rest, I hope!

 

[DaniDee]

@lone3wolf7 I feel your post on so many levels!

I understand the feeling of "what's the point" all too well... I ask myself that everyday. Happiness is for me unattainable, I remember so few times were I was happy and then they went as quickly as the came. It's almost if I just can't be happy no matter what I do or where I am.

I agree life is painful and empty and just unpleasant. Suicide has always been something I wanted too, even as a child I felt I never belonged here. I don't believe I have a purpose, everything in my life turns to sh*t sooner or later.

I feel for you and I understand your pain, thank you for being brave enough to share some of your story.

 

[Jean Améry]

No judgement, no worries. We're all suffering here and nobody's perfect. Vent all you want.

 

[Sanguinius]

U seems perfectly alright . Couldn't find any issues in your life, life is all abt ups and down.

I feel absolutely desperate when I accitentally kill a fucking bug. I suffer because of it. That's why i'm suicidal.
I have a good live. and I'm definitly not alright.

 

[lone3wolf7]

I can only echo what others have said here - no one is going to judge you for anything here. And like you, my only successes in life have been with school, and even that was a struggle. I struggle with substance abuse, but I'm termed somewhat "functional" because I can usually keep it together long enough to hold a job for 6 months or so. Like you, I hate my chosen career with a seething passion, and I've been burned out for a good 15 years. But with the US economy and the lack of skill growth available in my field, I'm just stuck. I'm self-medicating underlying mental health issues that I just don't feel like detailing here. So even when I'm clean and sober, I've had "episodes" where I just totally flip out and do something really self-destructive and self-sabotaging. I know a couple people said to stop drinking and see if things change - it is something to consider. It really didn't change things all that much for me when I quit drugs for years - but it may have had to do with an overbearing therapist I continued to see until the internet came around and I started to realize how emotionally abusive she was. That being said, my boyfriend quit drinking 14 years ago and he is pretty much just a normal guy now. He doesn't have the same level of book smarts it takes to get through a university program, but I'm convinced he's a happier person because of it. If that makes sense. He was a die hard alcoholic and only quit because he was in a coma for 4 days and they told him at the hospital if he slipped and even hit his head one more time he was going to die. But he went to rehab and now he's just a regular guy. Which in a way is great for me to have found love so relatively late in life, but my constant battles with depression and moods really make me want to end it. I just think about the effect it will have on him and it stops me.

So yeah, quitting drinking is something to consider, but just don't go in thinking your life will magically turn around the minute you put the bottle down. There's good reasons to drink, and dealing with them can be difficult. Also, DO NOT under any circumstances quit cold turkey on your own, or go to some dysfunctional AA meeting where they will tell you it's possible to detox on your own. If you have been drinking as heavily as you say for as long as you have, an alcohol detox could kill you. You will need a medically supervised, inpatient detox. That will keep you safe. I don't know what's available in your country, and I was never that into alcohol, so I can't tell you exactly what the experience will be like. I do know they had to give my boyfriend Valium for his detox and then they slowly weaned him off that. He wasn't even on that long-term, because it can be addicting too. But if you're coming off alcohol, you need it to replace alcohol's effect on your GABA receptors. This is no joke, if you're hell-bent on ending it all with N, then I wish you peace and the comfort that life couldn't provide. Bullying is horrible - I was the bullied fat kid and no matter what my weight is as adult, I cannot ever wear anything revealing or body conscious. I understand there are parts of it you just never get over.

I know this is a long post, but I really feel for you and your story. The bullying, losing love, the unsatisfactory work experience, the pretty much useless abiltiy to pass university exams and write papers, these are all part of my story. I guess I was lucky to find love, but my sporadic ability to work makes me feel like such a burden and I know that's a major reason that makes people want to ctb. But seriously, I can't stress enough if you decide to quit drinking to make sure you do it in a medical facility. You can detox off of heroin at home with less chance of dying. I would also add that more and more people are starting to come out of the woodwork about how fucked up 12 step groups are in general, including AA. I am definitely in this camp, but I would never tell someone not to try AA if it's available in your area. It does work for some people (percentages are debatable since it's anonymous,) so after a safe detox it many help.

Whatever you decide, peace, brother.

Thanks for taking your time... I feel good that someone is able to understand my problem. I was the scrawny kid in the block. May be because I have a high metabolism rate. The scars of childhood never goes away. I still remember the face of my bullies, like it was etched in my mind. There was a time I wanted revenge. And soon realised that they are matured enough and forgot everything. Even the last high school alumini meetup was awful for me. I just dont know what to say. My mind is now going back into all those awful memories.

As for alcohol, that's the only way I see to keep me out of thinking all of it and get some sleep, atleast 4 to 5 hours (max). When alcohol isn't there, I would have my pack of cigarettes. It feels like they are only friends now. I cannot go around and tell all my feelings to my friend. I am an introvert after all. And I fear being judged. And they wouldn't understand it. All they would do is compare their life with my so called life (that they know from outside) and tell me that I am gifted. They dont see the inside crushing and falling apart. To be honest, only my obvious troubles in my mind has started me to go into these intoxications. I can obviously try quitting alcohol, atleast for your kind words. But I dont know if it will make any changes to my mindset.

And to be honest, I am very happy that you found the love of your life. And I wish you will find either a happy life or peaceful death, whichever you want most.

 

[JadedGray]

Thanks for taking your time... I feel good that someone is able to understand my problem. I was the scrawny kid in the block. May be because I have a high metabolism rate. The scars of childhood never goes away. I still remember the face of my bullies, like it was etched in my mind. There was a time I wanted revenge. And soon realised that they are matured enough and forgot everything. Even the last high school alumini meetup was awful for me. I just dont know what to say. My mind is now going back into all those awful memories.

As for alcohol, that's the only way I see to keep me out of thinking all of it and get some sleep, atleast 4 to 5 hours (max). When alcohol isn't there, I would have my pack of cigarettes. It feels like they are only friends now. I cannot go around and tell all my feelings to my friend. I am an introvert after all. And I fear being judged. And they wouldn't understand it. All they would do is compare their life with my so called life (that they know from outside) and tell me that I am gifted. They dont see the inside crushing and falling apart. To be honest, only my obvious troubles in my mind has started me to go into these intoxications. I can obviously try quitting alcohol, atleast for your kind words. But I dont know if it will make any changes to my mindset.

And to be honest, I am very happy that you found the love of your life. And I wish you will find either a happy life or peaceful death, whichever you want most.

This is completely relatable. High school is one of the things that broke me. I'm sorry you are still living with the pain of school and childhood too. Despite what people say, time doesn't heal all wounds.

 

[lone3wolf7]

@Soul Thanks for understanding.... no one does understand so easily about what goes through someone's mind, and differentiate with their social outlet of life. I am thankful to you for understanding. I will try getting some rest. But work and alcohol are something that keeps me distracted from my own thoughts. But I dont know how long I can keep that. Anyways, I will try to get some rest. Thanks a lot :)

@lone3wolf7 I feel your post on so many levels!

I understand the feeling of "what's the point" all too well... I ask myself that everyday. Happiness is for me unattainable, I remember so few times were I was happy and then they went as quickly as the came. It's almost if I just can't be happy no matter what I do or where I am.

I agree life is painful and empty and just unpleasant. Suicide has always been something I wanted too, even as a child I felt I never belonged here. I don't believe I have a purpose, everything in my life turns to sh*t sooner or later.

I feel for you and I understand your pain, thank you for being brave enough to share some of your story.

It's hard to find a person on a similar boat. And it's TRUE that happiness is only a temporary high. I get those temporary highs by helping a stranger or a friend at their time of need. The recent one was helping my friend, teaching him to find a job. It makes me feel good. But that's temporary. I cannot do that constantly as well.

I lost my purpose already. I have to go now... I mean pull the plug off and have peace... I hope you find peace one way or the other (life or death, at your choice ).
Thank you... it means a lot to me.

No judgement, no worries. We're all suffering here and nobody's perfect. Vent all you want.

This is completely relatable. High school is one of the things that broke me. I'm sorry you are still living with the pain of school and childhood too. Despite what people say, time doesn't heal all wounds.

True words. I want to kick those who say time flies, seriously. Even if time flies, the scar remains. I am glad that you understand and relate to it.

 

[Ruffian]

Just reading your initial post again. Really glad you're here, and I just really can relate to your story. This is the only place I feel like others at least understand the suicidal impulse and the struggle to live or die. I've even met a couple people who live with physical problems making them suicidal that I also share. If I hadn't joined this site, I would have never known certain physical things that make me want to ctb also effect someone else. The saddest thing is when you PM someone for a bit and then they are successful in their attempt. It's like you're happy for them and sad at the same time. I hope I wasn't too preachy about the alcohol - I really don't have a personal mission about it. I just know not everyone understands that if you've been drinking a lot for a long time, it just isn't safe to just tough it out and stop on your own.