Dizzylady80
Experienced
- Nov 5, 2020
- 227
As the title says, the plans I had made to ctb are no longer viable. I had written a note for my roommate/ best friend that I had posted up here, and was planning on ordering N and taking it at a special spot I have, a beautiful place, and watching the stars until I fell asleep. Unfortunately, due to my own stupidity, my roommate caught a glimpse of my note, because I didn't realize I had left my notebook turned to that page when they came into my room to talk about some things, and they caught a glimpse of it. They sat down and we talked about it, I told them what I was planning when they asked (I can't lie to them when they ask me things directly, I'm not capable of it), and they were distraught. They begged me to tell them something they could do so they weren't just helplessly waiting for me to die, and since I couldn't stand the thought of that I said we can do this thing where I won't ctb for a week, then they'll check in with me and potentially set a new time frame after that.
This sucks. I don't blame them at all, I absolutely would do the same thing in their position, but this is still just fucking awful. Not only do I still want to die very much, but now this beautiful human is constantly terrified of finding me dead or me not coming home. It's so painful to see. They got so stressed that they relapsed with their eating disorder. And it's all my fault. Like, I could've just lied. But no, I had stuck to my dumbass "no lying to my best friend" policy, now I'm stuck in poverty and never ending physical pain and they're stuck in fear and misery. They said they'd cover the bills and rent if I can't, that I'd never have to be homeless or move back in with my dad who sexually abused me if I run out of money (one of the many reasons I want to ctb) and so now in addition to being an emotional and physical leech (they already do most cleaning and stuff around the house because I'm unable to) I'm a financial leech too. And of course I'm not mad at them, they're a fucking angel and I'd probably do the exact same thing in their position. But god damn it, I'm in a really shitty position now, and they are too. I knew my plans seemed too good to be true
This sucks. I don't blame them at all, I absolutely would do the same thing in their position, but this is still just fucking awful. Not only do I still want to die very much, but now this beautiful human is constantly terrified of finding me dead or me not coming home. It's so painful to see. They got so stressed that they relapsed with their eating disorder. And it's all my fault. Like, I could've just lied. But no, I had stuck to my dumbass "no lying to my best friend" policy, now I'm stuck in poverty and never ending physical pain and they're stuck in fear and misery. They said they'd cover the bills and rent if I can't, that I'd never have to be homeless or move back in with my dad who sexually abused me if I run out of money (one of the many reasons I want to ctb) and so now in addition to being an emotional and physical leech (they already do most cleaning and stuff around the house because I'm unable to) I'm a financial leech too. And of course I'm not mad at them, they're a fucking angel and I'd probably do the exact same thing in their position. But god damn it, I'm in a really shitty position now, and they are too. I knew my plans seemed too good to be true