Plans foiled...

[ladolcemorte]

My parents were supposed to come next Wednesday and take me and my stuff back to their place. (I am off work and on disability and I can't afford 1200 a month in rent.)

I had made the decision to drink the amitriptyline cocktail on Friday, and then have a delayed email to police for Monday. That would give plenty of time for me to die and for the police to inform my parents so they could call off their trip. I had all the ingredients for the cocktail. (It took a lot of planning to get them).

Now my parents have advised that they are coming TOMORROW, which means I don't have a big enough window for the amitriptyline cocktail. My mother is even going to call when they leave tomorrow morning, and I'm pretty sure she will call the police if I don't answer, since she knows that I have been feeling on edge. I suppose I could try the cocktail and hope that I die at the very outer limit of the prediction, which is 12 hours, or that I do enough damage that I die in the hospital anyway...but I don't have the guaranteed 24 hours that PPH recommends. Other sources say it could be even two to three days and I definitely don't have that...I had planned for that but now I don't have it.

If I get back to my parents house, I definitely won't have the privacy to do the cocktail, which is why I put so much planning into getting it done this weekend. Now my beautiful opportunity is gone and I have no idea what to do.

 

[RealHumanBean]

My parents were supposed to come next Wednesday and take me and my stuff back to their place. (I am off work and on disability and I can't afford 1200 a month in rent.)

I had made the decision to drink the amitriptyline cocktail on Friday, and then have a delayed email to police for Monday. That would give plenty of time for me to die and for the police to inform my parents so they could call off their trip. I had all the ingredients for the cocktail. (It took a lot of planning to get them).

Now my parents have advised that they are coming TOMORROW, which means I don't have a big enough window for the amitriptyline cocktail. My mother is even going to call when they leave tomorrow morning, and I'm pretty sure she will call the police if I don't answer, since she knows that I have been feeling on edge. I suppose I could try the cocktail and hope that I die at the very outer limit of the prediction, which is 12 hours, or that I do enough damage that I die in the hospital anyway...but I don't have the guaranteed 24 hours that PPH recommends. Other sources say it could be even two to three days and I definitely don't have that...I had planned for that but now I don't have it.

If I get back to my parents house, I definitely won't have the privacy to do the cocktail, which is why I put so much planning into getting it done this weekend. Now my beautiful opportunity is gone and I have no idea what to do.

Hey! Welcome to the club. I got thwarted from ctb this week too. It's such an odd feeling to be like "darn! I can't die". Has it lessened the suffering for you at all to have the opportunity taken out of your hands? I think I just feel confused because I'm bouncing back and forth between "I should try to do anything to make existence better since I can't die" and "let's get ready for the next window of opportunity (to ctb)!"

 

[ladolcemorte]

Hey! Welcome to the club. I got thwarted from ctb this week too. It's such an odd feeling to be like "darn! I can't die". Has it lessened the suffering for you at all to have the opportunity taken out of your hands? I think I just feel confused because I'm bouncing back and forth between "I should try to do anything to make existence better since I can't die" and "let's get ready for the next window of opportunity (to ctb)!"

Not really. There were times in the past when I survived an attempt or was stopped from making one and I felt a bit relieved and ready to try again. This time I just feel devastated. I know my life is beyond repair at this point. I had reflected on things extensively. I had taken the time to make my peace with dying. I had taken the time to research properly, and to gather all the ingredients for the cocktail. To have all that work go to waste is just heart breaking.

 

[Ghost2211]

That really sucks. I'm sorry your plans got disrupted. It's much better to wait and have a for sure window than rush and hope it gets done fast enough. It would be awful get busted and lose your freedom. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.