Planning to hang myself next year. Don't want to make it to 30.

[Shamana]

Don't apologize, you're judging me and that's the last thing i need. I'm leaning towards caring and not caring at all BUT i usually don't care if he suicides after me, that is his choice, he can do whatever he wants, i won't be here. If i want to stay or go it's my choice, i'm def leaning more towards going. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit if my life is good, if i want to go i can go, i have freedom of choice and isn't that the point of this forum anyway, to have a choice? This is my choice.


What stopped you?

Well the forum is a pro-choice, but that dosent mean we have to supoprt every member choice to commit suicide.

 

[Lefty]

Well if my life was going good, I probably wouldn't want to CTB. It is a pro-choice forum and it is your choice to decide. I also went through dark times at 28/29, I made it to 30, though I wish I hadn't. Hoping I won't make it to 31. Trying to CTB is hard. For me any method that is painless, easy or very little pain is good enough for me. I'm just saying my opinion, but to me it seems you're afraid of reaching 30 and maybe that's why you want to CTB? Again just my thoughts on what I gathered from reading through your thread.

 

[Ἡγησίας]

A critique

Why do you bring to us that religious garbage?

 

[RedPanda]

Well the forum is a pro-choice, but that dosent mean we have to supoprt every member choice to commit suicide.

Shamana, you are wasting your time replying to me to be honest. I'm super messed up in the head and won't adhere to any advice you give me. I have already made up my mind. Stop replying.

Well if my life was going good, I probably wouldn't want to CTB. It is a pro-choice forum and it is your choice to decide. I also went through dark times at 28/29, I made it to 30, though I wish I hadn't. Hoping I won't make it to 31. Trying to CTB is hard. For me any method that is painless, easy or very little pain is good enough for me. I'm just saying my opinion, but to me it seems you're afraid of reaching 30 and maybe that's why you want to CTB? Again just my thoughts on what I gathered from reading through your thread.

Not afraid of reaching 30, just don't care to reach it. I've lived my life, i see no future ahead of me so there is no point carrying on. I want to move on.

 

[Baskol1]

This makes me really angry. Yes really angry, because i dont understand why someone super successful, and healthy would want to commit suicide. Why would you do that if you really have a great life? Look im not against suicide. But im not pro suicide either. I think if youre rich, and healthy, there is no reason to commit suicide!

 

[RedPanda]

This makes me really angry. Yes really angry, because i dont understand why someone super successful, and healthy would want to commit suicide. Why would you do that if you really have a great life? Look im not against suicide. But im not pro suicide either. I think if youre rich, and healthy, there is no reason to commit suicide!

Can the same be said about celebrities, you're angry at them as well? Robin Williams? Chester Bennington? You think money solves mental issues? Seriously? Money doesn't mean anything to me right now, i'm in the darkest pit i've ever been and reached the end of my journey. I want to leave, it's that simple.

 

[Baskol1]

Can the same be said about celebrities, you're angry at them as well? Robin Williams? Chester Bennington? You think money solves mental issues? Seriously? Money doesn't mean anything to me right now, i'm in the darkest pit i've ever been and reached the end of my journey. I want to leave, it's that simple.

OK, but i find it very hard to understand. But if it is that what you want. I will respect your choice.

 

[Lookingforabus]

OK, but i find it very hard to understand. But if it is that what you want. I will respect your choice.

It's just that money and success and love and all that doesn't help everyone's depression. In my case, it makes it worse. ~"I have all this and I'm still depressed and suicidal and none of the psychiatrists and anti-depressants and all the expensive booze in the world still can't effing fix me. Obviously, nothing can or will and there's absolutely no hope for me. Time to die... well, just about."

If I didn't have good friends or a loving family or more money than I can spend, I'd probably have some hope that maybe if I got that, life would get better and there's another way out of my misery. But that doesn't help me, so... what else is there to try?

 

[Maravillosa]

Why do you bring to us that religious garbage?

Well, it is religious, but I don't think it is necessarily garbage. I don't agree with it, but it is a legitimate argument. Also, those critiques were among the first pages that Duck Duck Go suggested about Tara Condell. You do not have to read them if you do not want to

 

[Lefty]

Shamana, you are wasting your time replying to me to be honest. I'm super messed up in the head and won't adhere to any advice you give me. I have already made up my mind. Stop replying.


Not afraid of reaching 30, just don't care to reach it. I've lived my life, i see no future ahead of me so there is no point carrying on. I want to move on.

Well that is one way to look at it. Mental illness is one cruel bitch. The choice is ultimately yours.

 

[Zai Jian]

Redpanda, I just want you to know that we have the same views in life/death. Don't listen to these people judging your decisions. You get to decide when and how you're gonna leave this world.

 

[RedPanda]

Redpanda, I just want you to know that we have the same views in life/death. Don't listen to these people judging your decisions. You get to decide when and how you're gonna leave this world.

Oh trust me, i simply do not give a fuck. I'm still focused on ending myself by the end of the year. I CAN'T WAIT...but yeah, i have to...oh well.

 

[itsallover]

I almost made it to thirty fully healthy and intact except for one fateful night where my health took a turn for the worst by way of medical malpractice when I went to the hospital one night. I am thirty three now and my symptoms are debilitating and I am in constant pain. I feel like some of the best years of my life were taken away from me. For me I just didn't want to see the years where my health slowly declined as in old age, but I got caught up in something crazy in a point where my life was taking off.

 

[Krash1990]

I wish I wouldn't have made it to 30. It is the worst year of my life.

 

[RedPanda]

I wish I wouldn't have made it to 30. It is the worst year of my life.

Damn, i wish i had a license to do sky diving. I've done tandem. The rush is amazing. I want to jump to my death because i really enjoy the rush of falling.

 

[Cosmiq]

I'm 30, and honestly wished I did it last year. We're 6 months into this year, and everything both in my personal life and in the world has told me this year was not worth coming into.
I didn't want to ctb on my bday because my mom is only 2 weeks after. But I don't think it'll really matter when I do it, it'll hurt her either way. So now I've set my date the day before my birthday. Before even realizing it I told myself I wanted to do it on a Sunday at dawn, and my bday just happens to land on a Monday.

It's not so much that I believe 30 is old. But I think by 29, some people just know it's time. Oddly enough my 30th birthday was one of the most enjoyable birthdays I've ever had. The first was the first time I saw my favorite band live and they happen to play my city on my bday. My 30th birthday, two best friends surprised me with tickets to two separate sold-out shows that were both reminiscent of when we first met over 10yrs both of them. I kinda wish, I ctb that night it would have been an excellent high to go out on.

 

[darkfoxgirl]

I can relate in some ways like I've had a good life but I feel super depressed for no real reason and sometimes I feel guilty about it.

I pretty much agree with your disposition towards life.. I really hate taking any thing too seriously, and a theory I have is that when you start taking life too seriously is when you start suffering.. Some people get too attached to their lives and then when they start suffering too much, they are too attached to their life to ever suicide, so they just end up suffering through the pain..

I believe every person should have the right to euthanasia if it is determined that it is really what they want and not just a spur-of-the-moment idea.. Fortunately though, no matter what type of laws are enacted against suicide, if some one really desires it strongly enough they can usually find a way..

And about your dad....or more accurately, any one you leave behind: I don't think any one should have to live for other people.. I mean would you want some one to tell you "Hey I really want to die, but I haven't killed my self yet because it might hurt you too much"?.. We can try to mitigate other people's pain from suicide a tiny bit (maybe by things you put in your suicide note, etc), but in the end we really have no choice but to leave them to their own devices and let them deal with it how ever they will.. We don't want them to have to go through some thing like that, but like I said, we can't live solely for the sake of other people..

When I was a teenager, I actually never wanted to live past age 30.. I just never liked the idea of getting old, and I always sort of had a vague idea that I would probably end up suiciding later in life after I reached age 30+..

Well....I was fairly happy most of my life.....but then some thing devestating happened to me at age 30; I had listened to headphones too loudly for too many years and I caused my self hearing damage, but worst of all I got tinnitus and hyperacusis (being really sensitive to sound, it hurts my ears, even normal medium-volume sounds)..
It threw me down in to a ridiculously deep depression....I couldn't even function or do any thing....I was super depressed for several years, and I found out I was too attached to my life because I was willing to suffer through all of that depression instead of killing my self like I should have.. (I was suffering from the tinnitus sounds by the way.. It drives you ABSOLUTELY CRAZY.. And also from the hyperacusis, so I always have to protect my ears)..
Eventually I guess my mentalness got so sick of suffering that it made me stop caring about my life any more, as a mechanism to stop the deep pain from being depressed... So now I don't even care about my life any more...I am not attached to my life very much at all any more, and I really don't care if I die any more..

I am now 37 and even though I'm not super depressed any more, I have never been able to get back near the levels of happiness I felt before age 30.. I am tentatively planning on catching the train to hell either around winter of this year (2019 december) or winter of next year (2020 december).. The reason I might wait until next year is kind of silly; I actually enjoy playing switch games like mario and xenoblade2 and other stuff, and I do have some online friends I talk to on riot (riot is like an open-source version of discord), and so I wanted some more time to play games and talk to those people.. Also would give me a chance to vote once more in the presidential election.. So we might end up leaving at the same time (unless I extend my life again, which I have a bad habit of doing).. And the reason I chose december is because I like choosing astrological dates like the vernal equinox, summer solstice, autumnal equinox, and winter solstice..

I know I've already written tons, but I'm always overly verbose so whatever...deal with it.. But I wanted to say that, I think different people have different levels of standards they have for their life.. Some people can lose both their legs, be in a wheelchair, be homeless, and have cancer, and they will still try to keep on struggling through life and living some how with out even thinking about suicide.. Other people might choose suicide just because they don't feel quite as happy with life as they used to, even though nothing in particular is going that bad in their life..
Each person sets their own standard they have for life, and I believe that it is no place for other people to dictate where an other person's standard should be set at.. The homeless crippled man might yell at some one else suiciding over merely losing one of their favorite cars in a wreck, but that is still their prerogative and their choice, not the homeless guy's.. Nobody should be forced to lower their standards of living way way down just because you can find some one else some where in the world that is able to struggle through such a level of pain with out suiciding yet..

One more thing: The method I will be using is probably the helium tank (also known as exit bag i think).. Jumping is going to be scary as hell, and you might have a heart-attack from fear even before you hit the ground.. If you can get N that every one talks about I suppose that would be easier than helium, but for me, I just don't want to have to deal with trying to find it, and then worrying about it being delivered successfully with out being flagged etc.. But that's just me, but wanted to just tell you that you might look in to helium, but definitely wouldn't want to jump if it were me..

Love and light

I can also relate with the video games. that may or may not be the reason I'm putting it off for a year.