Have you ever tried to present feminine? Do you think you would feel relief if you were perceived as feminine in society through available methods? I'm so sorry for your suffering I have brain issues too so I feel some kind of connection when I see your posts sister <3
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WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,431
No, I want to be female completely. I don't want to be a femboy. This isn't an issue with how society perceives me. This is a physical image issue for me.
Another question I have is what age did you first experience dysphoria and what/when/why has it tipped to a point of severe Suicidality? Like what kept you going in your 20s? I could be wrong but from your posts it seems it's reached a tipping point somewhat recently?
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,431
Around 11 or 12 is when so over 20 years ago. I just tried to ignore it as best as I could. It festered in May of 2021 where one day I just woke up and felt completely dead inside because of it and gradually lost interest in everything, including hobbies and relationships.
You've never looked at a trans girl and thought she was beautiful and feminine?
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,431
Going to be honest, the scarring would be a turn off to me. It's one of the reasons why I won't transition. I don't want to see scars on my body and be reminded that I had to have surgery in order to accomplish being the correct sex.
I am happy for people who transition and find solace and comfort. However, that is not for me. I wanted to have been female start to finish.
I mean I've even seen a lot of trans girls (with penis) that look super feminine and attractive and straight guys and lesbians are all over them. Mean to say do you ever get that jealous feeling from Korean trans girls?
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,431
I get jealous of cis women because they were born the correct sex from the beginning.
In regards to the first part of your reply, I find the male genitalia gross. It's a large part of why I hate being male. The entire male anatomy is gross and ugly to me. I def wouldn't want to retain my penis. Going to be honest. If your goal is to convince me to either transition or live as I am, it is not going to work. You wouldn't be the first person to try that, and you are actually the 524th person to. It didn't work for the other 523 people who tried it, and it isn't going to work here.
I'm not interested in recovery.
Oh no I'm sorry I didn't want to sound like that I can totally understand how you came to your conclusion I'm just trying to get a better understanding from your perspective how you've arrived at your conclusion. I know many that go through the best transitions ever and still struggle daily with dysphoria. I think many of us suicidal folks just tend to be more optimistic when viewing others problems than our own. I'm just trying to play through the scenario if I was in your shoes. I'm so sorry life has handed you these cards ):
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,431
I can give you most of the reasons why I would never consider transitioning.
1. I find scarring gross. Prob going to have a nasty scar on my crotch from it
2. I wanted to have been a female start to finish. Starting in my 30s when I am 10 years away from when I would have CTB'd anyways is entirely pointless. Yeah, I would have CTB'd in my 40s as a cis female because aging is unappealing to me.
3. I would not likely pass, because I cannot afford all of the important surgeries (bottom surgery, facial femininization surgery, vocal cord surgery etc.) And as mentioned, my own self image is a big reason why I hate being a male, and it wouldn't be much better as a trans woman who doesn't pass all that well
4. These invasive procedures take 5 years. I can't even bare being alive day by day. I am sure as heck not willing to spend another 1000+ days alive for a result that is dubious at best.
5. 20s and early 30s are the best years of young womanhood. I am in my mid 30s. I'll be in the tail end of my 30s by the time I finish complete transitioning (best case scenario anyways)
6. I wanted to be born female from the start so I could have the full female upbringing
7. I dont like the idea of having my body needing to be modified by surgery
Ask any cis woman if they'd rather be a trans woman, and I guarantee you most, if not all, will say they are grateful to be cis. Being dysphoric and trans absolutely sucks :/
Yeah a lot of that makes sense. Before my brain damage I was terrified of aging, add mental issues on top of that and it just makes it unliveable. I am a gay cis man so a quite opposite scenario as you but aging is rough in the gay world. I do know a lot of lesbians that like trans girls more than cis women though. I can understand losing hope in your shoes and just wanting non existence. Sorry if I said anything that was offensive
WorthlessTrash
Worthless
- Apr 19, 2022
- 2,431
LookingOverTheEdge
Hello Darkness my old friend
- Jul 13, 2020
- 355
I don't have any questions. But I wanted to thank you for being so open and candid about the way you feel.
This is an issue that I don't claim to understand, and I never really could understand fully, as it's not something I've ever experienced. But I feel like I've learnt a small amount and got a step closer to understanding thanks to people like yourself explaining the thoughts and feelings behind it.
It takes a lot of courage to speak openly about something so personal to you, even to a forum of faceless strangers. So thank you. And I wish you the best.
This is an issue that I don't claim to understand, and I never really could understand fully, as it's not something I've ever experienced. But I feel like I've learnt a small amount and got a step closer to understanding thanks to people like yourself explaining the thoughts and feelings behind it.
It takes a lot of courage to speak openly about something so personal to you, even to a forum of faceless strangers. So thank you. And I wish you the best.
