Discussion Planning to CTB soon because of Gender/Sex Dysphoria. Ask me anything (pertaining to it)!

[WorthlessTrash]

As the title suggests, I am "hoping" to CTB soon due to gender/sex dysphoria. I use the word hoping because there's always a chance I can pussy out and continue to suffer, but hopefully that won't happen. For reference, I am assigned male at birth (wishing I was female) and I am in my 30s.

This is mainly for people who don't suffer from dysphoria, but ofc even those that suffer from dysphoria like me can participate, since everyone's circumstances are unique.

Might as well help more people understand what goes through my head and heart on the daily basis.

Ask away, I guess.

 

[leeloosnow]

Hey DDTD- thanks for posting this and opening the door for progressive conversations I am truly sorry life finds you at this punishing place and whatever path forward, I hope it will be a peaceful one. I say I'm an ally, and I am, but there's always room for improvement in one's own behaviors and interactions, so I try to keep that in mind when I'm addressing something I haven't personally experienced. The experience and perspective you've shared here have certainly been an asset for me in that regard, continuous self improvement, thank you for that, I won't forget it. Big Hugs <3

 

[locked*n*loaded]

So, you chose #3?

 

[jessisme]

What is your preferred method?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

So, you chose #3?

Yeah. There was no way I was going to cope in a body I hate. and there was also no way I was going to invest money I didn't have and time on a 5 year process full of invasive surgeries just to have a result that was severely beneath my standards. We all die anyways so no use in continuing a life full of envy and self hatred just to arrive at the same destination.

What is your preferred method?

I plan to go with SN (No meto or AE since I am too depressed to leave the house to get them). I may take Tylenol to mitigate some symptoms. If for some reason SN fails, I will try drowning, jumping or train decapitation.

Hey DDTD- thanks for posting this and opening the door for progressive conversations I am truly sorry life finds you at this punishing place and whatever path forward, I hope it will be a peaceful one. I say I'm an ally, and I am, but there's always room for improvement in one's own behaviors and interactions, so I try to keep that in mind when I'm addressing something I haven't personally experienced. The experience and perspective you've shared here have certainly been an asset for me in that regard, continuous self improvement, thank you for that, I won't forget it. Big Hugs <3

Thank you for the kind words. I appreciate it and wish you the best in whatever happens as well <3

 

[leeloosnow]

would you ever consider writing something up for trans ppl or trans allies before your date? do you think that any kind of community involvement might aid your circumstances or even possibly improve your outlook?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

would you ever consider writing something up for trans ppl or trans allies before your date? do you think that any kind of community involvement might aid your circumstances or even possibly improve your outlook?

I don't consider myself apart of the trans community since my views differ from them. They think that transitioning is the best solution to dysphoria and if it helps them, then more power to them, however I disagree for my case. I am also more critical of FTM wanting to transitioning than I am of MTF due to my bias towards the female sex.

I don't think nor would be open to having any community involvement change my outlook on transitioning tbh. I really just wanted to have been female start to finish, birth to death. I am close minded to settling for anything else, and I don't see a net gain from changing my opinion on it.

 

[leeloosnow]

I think my takeaway there is that gender dysphoria isn't unique to the trans community. ofc I'm personally aware that *general* body dysphoria is common across the board, but body dysphoria and gender dysphoria are vastly different things. That might be the part I hadn't really thought abt. Appreciate your honest insight there, I think that has been a constant, that no matter how unique our walks of life might be, that we are in pain. Our suffering may be a little different nature, but it's similar in the darkness of it, the depths.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I think my takeaway there is that gender dysphoria isn't unique to the trans community. ofc I'm personally aware that *general* body dysphoria is common across the board, but body dysphoria and gender dysphoria are vastly different things. That might be the part I hadn't really thought abt. Appreciate your honest insight there, I think that has been a constant, that no matter how unique our walks of life might be, that we are in pain. Our suffering may be a little different nature, but it's similar in the darkness of it, the depths.

I mean technically I am trans, but I would never consider myself to be trans given my aversion to transition (for a lot of reasons).

Yeah, body dysmorphia and Gender dysphoria are vastly different, even though my gender/sex dysphoria is the product of my dislike and disgust towards the male body (It's a large part of my dysphoria, but not the sole reason for it).

 

[locked*n*loaded]

So, you chose #3?

Yeah. There was no way I was going to cope in a body I hate. and there was also no way I was going to invest money I didn't have and time on a 5 year process full of invasive surgeries just to have a result that was severely beneath my standards. We all die anyways so no use in continuing a life full of envy and self hatred just to arrive at the same destination.

I completely understand. I am very glad that you determined yourself important enough to think about it a bit more, though, before settling on your final decision.

 

[Jarni]

I can totally understand... That's not my situation but there are the regrets in our life that are too strong... So my question is not from my lack of understanding, just interesting why you could not have a beautiful girlfriend and admire her body, her beauty etc...? Like possessing what you want but in a different manner? Sometimes I would like to be a man ,but only for a 50% of my life. I like men very much and their beauty and all parts of their body, and I admire beautiful men (that doesn't mean perfect bodies and faces... I don't like a total perfection). And I'm very esthete.....

 

[Forever Sleep]

Ok, I admit- I am curious but I don't want to be offensive to you. I do deeply sympathise with your dysphoria but I guess- due to my own experience as a reluctant woman- I don't fully understand it.

Do you look at ALL women and wish you were them? Or is it only the skinny, attractive, pretty ones? I REALLY hope I haven't offended you there.

I admit that I can feel insensitive to your wishes sometimes because they feel so specific to me (I suppose I wonder how many of my gender you would ACTUALLY like to be...I think it takes certain genes to have certain physical attributes.) Still, then I realise the criteria for me to be 'content' are also pretty specific and very difficult to obtain- so I realise I'm being hypocritical.

Feel free to skip the next part as I imagine it might be triggering- and I fully realise it won't put you off what you desperately want. Still- if you are interested- this is my story as a reluctant woman:

I'm overweight and unnattractive and a 'natural' tom boy. I've always been kind of sickened by girly things and a lot of things that are feminine. I don't exactly hate the female body but I do hate most of mine because I simply haven't made enough effort with it. I also utterly detest having periods (sorry to be crude.) They are disgusting, painful and make me feel even more suicidal than usual. Plus, I hate female fashion. Heels are VERY painful on your feet, skirts and tights are cold, make up is uncomfortable, most things that look nice are also uncomfortable, restrictive and impractical.

Again- I'm not trying to question your genuine disgust at your own anatomy- I guess I just can't get my head around why anyone would want mine!

I've had three rounds of limerance in my life (crazy obsessive crushes on people.) For the second one, I went all out and made the effort to impress them- I lost 5 stone, bought a new wardrobe, joined the gym and started wearing make up. It didn't work- Lol. (Probably for the best to be honest.)

I don't think it was an eating disorder but I certainly was very obsessive over food at that time. My periods disappeared all together for around a year I think it was. (Heaven.) Irony was- I still had fat thighs even though you could see the vertebrae poking through my back and the ribs moving on my chest when I moved my arms. I also lost most of my breasts- which weren't all that big to begin with! Breasts are made up mostly of fat- so, that's quite common.

Plus, my body was clearly used to being fat because now most of it was gone, I was cold ALL of the time. Irony was- I was SO cold that I'd end up wearing 7 layers- so no one would even be able to see the weight I'd lost... Lol.

Of course, when I saw my crush with a new girlfriend, it all went to shit. I put all of the weight back on and back came my periods- with vengeance.

I don't think I exactly hate being female but I do hate the emphasis on looks equals value that seems to go with it. I've always hated a lot of female stereotypes (even though, ironically I emulated one for a while!) It's kind of odd isn't it- the very thing you likely emulate is the thing I detest.

Perhaps I'm jealous because I could never attain that either (yet it's partly expected of me- or at least- life would be better for me if I looked like that- it was definitely better for me in terms of how other people reacted to me when I was thinner.)

I utterly detest 'pretty privelege' because it makes me feel utterly worthless on the one hand but on the other- I think how shallow we really are to put so much emphasis on it. (I'm sure women do it with men just the same- and other women come to that.)

I'm sorry it turned into such a rant and I really hope it didn't trigger you. I'm so sorry you feel the way you do about yourself. I can relate to the feeling of being disgusted by your own body. Mine has largely been self inflicted- eating too much though. It must feel awful to be at odds with everything you are. I do really feel for you as much as I can whilst still hating my own anatomy! All the best to you. ❤

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I can totally understand... That's not my situation but there are the regrets in our life that are too strong... So my question is not from my lack of understanding, just interesting why you could not have a beautiful girlfriend and admire her body, her beauty etc...? Like possessing what you want but in a different manner? Sometimes I would like to be a man ,but only for a 50% of my life. I like men very much and their beauty and all parts of their body, and I admire beautiful men (that doesn't mean perfect bodies and faces... I don't like a total perfection). And I'm very esthete.....

As it stands, I am extremely envious of the opposite sex (attractive and average people, especially). I also no longer have desire for sex or a romantic relationship ever since my dysphoria festered. Also, if I was cis female, I could still have a girlfriend either way. There is nothing I can do as a male (that I'd want to do), that I wouldn't be able to accomplish as a female.

@Forever Sleep

"Do you look at ALL women and wish you were them? Or is it only the skinny, attractive, pretty ones? I REALLY hope I haven't offended you there."

Mostly average/attractive looking women, but if I had to choose between being what I am currently (400 lbs dysphoric male) or overweight cis young female, I'd choose the latter since there'd still be a way to achieve my preferred appearance. Can't do that when you are the complete opposite sex.

You did not trigger me. I am in general disgusted towards the male anatomy (penis, testicles, chest/arm/neck/leg hair, ect.). If I was (cis) female, I would have a chance of not being in a body I hated, and even if I had a cis female body I hated, there could be ways to change it to something acceptable. No type of male body is acceptable to me, so that is where it differs. Of course, whether I'd be in the headspace to be motivated to work on my appearance if I wasnt in a cis female body I liked is something I do not know. However, what I do know is I am entirely unhappy being AMAB.

I also believe that some women put down their own appearance since the media has this misconception that in order to be attractive you need to be a blonde model movie star type, which is definitely not the case. Truth be told, if I had my way and I was able to choose my ideal appearance, I'd be South Korean female over being a Caucasian blonde model type. Do note that I am a Caucasian male, so yeah. I'd switch both ethnicities and assigned sex in a heartbeat, but the latter being more of a priority. Basically, what this statement says is I'd be a cis female of any ethnicity over being a white male. Yeah, I'd trade my "white male privilage" just to not feel absolute hatred towards my body and dysphoria.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I utterly detest 'pretty privelege' because it makes me feel utterly worthless on the one hand but on the other- I think how shallow we really are to put so much emphasis on it. (I'm sure women do it with men just the same- and other women come to that.)

I think, for the most part, we're wired that way into equating that pretty = good genes, as far as survival of the species is concerned. Of course, it isn't a universal truth, as we see many people that most would consider "less than attractive" get together and procreate on a regular basis. I guess there must be more to it, at least for some.

 

[Forever Sleep]

As it stands, I am extremely envious of the opposite sex (attractive and average people, especially). I also no longer have desire for sex or a romantic relationship ever since my dysphoria festered. Also, if I was cis female, I could still have a girlfriend either way. There is nothing I can do as a male (that I'd want to do), that I wouldn't be able to accomplish as a female.

@Forever Sleep

"Do you look at ALL women and wish you were them? Or is it only the skinny, attractive, pretty ones? I REALLY hope I haven't offended you there."

Mostly average/attractive looking women, but if I had to choose between being what I am currently (400 lbs dysphoric male) or overweight cis young female, I'd choose the latter since there'd still be a way to achieve my preferred appearance. Can't do that when you are the complete opposite sex.

You did not trigger me. I am in general disgusted towards the male anatomy (penis, testicles, chest/arm/neck/leg hair, ect.). If I was (cis) female, I would have a chance of not being in a body I hated, and even if I had a cis female body I hated, there could be ways to change it to something acceptable. No type of male body is acceptable to me, so that is where it differs. Of course, whether I'd be in the headspace to be motivated to work on my appearance if I wasnt in a cis female body I liked is something I do not know. However, what I do know is I am entirely unhappy being AMAB.

I also believe that some women put down their own appearance since the media has this misconception that in order to be attractive you need to be a blonde model movie star type, which is definitely not the case. Truth be told, if I had my way and I was able to choose my ideal appearance, I'd be South Korean female over being a Caucasian blonde model type. Do note that I am a Caucasian male, so yeah. I'd switch both ethnicities and assigned sex in a heartbeat, but the latter being more of a priority. Basically, what this statement says is I'd be a cis female of any ethnicity over being a white male. Yeah, I'd trade my "white male privilage" just to not feel absolute hatred towards my body and dysphoria.

Yes- that does all make sense. I'm so sorry. ❤

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Yes- that does all make sense. I'm so sorry. ❤

It's okay. Thank you for understanding.

 

[Rockman]

Have you explored psychological reasons for gender dysphoria?

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Have you explored psychological reasons for gender dysphoria?

I have never been "abused", so that is definitely not the reason for it. I genuinely find male bodies disgusting, and male sexuality and masculinity cringe.

 

[TheBigGuiltHaver]

Yeah. There was no way I was going to cope in a body I hate. and there was also no way I was going to invest money I didn't have and time on a 5 year process full of invasive surgeries just to have a result that was severely beneath my standards. We all die anyways so no use in continuing a life full of envy and self hatred just to arrive at the same destination.

Mostly average/attractive looking women, but if I had to choose between being what I am currently (400 lbs dysphoric male) or overweight cis young female, I'd choose the latter since there'd still be a way to achieve my preferred appearance. Can't do that when you are the complete opposite sex.

Apologies for focusing in on these specific topics, but it's just reassuring that I'm not alone in this being a 400lb+ AMAB person as well. Because of crap out of my control (plurality and my scumminess in regards to how I've handled it), it's just a constant flip flop between wanting to be every different type of gender that I can think of; basically just a really aggressive form of gender fluidity that never stays as one thing. I'd absolutely prefer to be a cis woman without a doubt, thought I was a trans woman for four years then the stuff with the plurality just kicked into high gear. All I ever see and hear about with trans women on the internet are just really attractive and thin, and yeah that's probably because of conscious effort by people like us to stay off the camera, but still, just reassuring to know that I'm not the only person that is this way.

I'm planning on CTBing in large part due to gender dysphoria too, I've been on HRT for almost two years but have stopped last year because I just gave up on that pipedream, I just look really masculine and there'll be no real way for me to not look this with insanely expensive and time-consuming surgeries like mentioned above. Hearing that you're not confident in the surgeries being up to your standards is also reassuring because I feel that exact same way and have felt bad for a while because of that thought, always stuck in the thought combatting with my standards with "you never know". I have little confidence in surgery with my weight in that being able to look like a "normal" sub-200 lb person, and the surgeries having to do with transition haven't been as on my mind but thinking of that now gives me more confidence in my decision... which it feels weird to say thank you for mentioning that considering the context, but thank you for mentioning it!

"We all die anyways so no use in continuing a life full of envy and self hatred just to arrive at the same destination" is a good quote, once again, reassurance. Hard to break away from that pro-life mindset that's just instilled into everybody, hard to break away from that guilt of doing it based on the supposed "need" to live just to live, let alone any other reason in conjunction with that.

 

[BreathOnAMirror]

Do you feel like your desired body or desired expression is unattainable? I get that feeling quite often, I mostly cope with it by wearing a mask everywhere and wearing baggy clothing.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Do you feel like your desired body or desired expression is unattainable? I get that feeling quite often, I mostly cope with it by wearing a mask everywhere and wearing baggy clothing.

My desired body is a cis woman's body (no surgically modified woman parts. a crotch that isn't scarred, completely femine) so it is an absolute undeniable fact that my desired body is 100% unattainable (Unless technology that allows you to trade bodies with an AFAB is available that I don't know about).

 

[Chronicillness]

I suffer from body dysphoria not gender dysphoria. I cannot accept my physical appearance. I relate most to the transgender community because the way they talk about their gender dysphoria is exactly how I feel
about my face and body.

 

[nomotels1443]

so sorry my sibling the world is truly cruel to people like us and dysphoria is a horrible hell that we're trapped in until death. hope you will find peace

 

[JulieSui]

Trans woman here, just want to say that dysphoria can be awful and i hope you choose what's best for you.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Bump because I am bored, fat, miserable and haven't CTB'd (yet).

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Planning to go maybe this weekend (pain is too much atp), any other questions before the bus (hopefully) picks me up?

 

[Forever Sleep]

I was thinking about this just now. Please forgive me for sounding ignorant and I hope I won't insult you in any way.

Do you know what would happen if you started taking testosterone or another male hormone? I fully realise that you would want to avoid anything more male. Especially one that might increase certain physical male attributes. (I don't know if it does this?)

I suppose my thinking is- you've made it clear in other posts that transitioning isn't an option for you. So- if a female body isn't possible- are there any ways to make your mind more at ease with being male? I don't honestly know what it is inside our brains that tell us what gender we are. Do you? I sort of assumed it was hormones. (I've actually always felt I may have more male hormones than average because I've always been more of a tom boy.)

I'm guessing this will all sound abhorrent to you because you detest everything male and I understand maybe your identity feels closely wrapped up in being female. Still- I wonder if there is some happy medium? Just to take the edge off how MUCH you detest your own body and want to be female? Have you ever spoken to doctors about the options? (Sorry if you've mentioned this before- I haven't read the whole thread.)

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Thank you for responding @Forever Sleep

"Do you know what would happen if you started taking testosterone or another male hormone? I fully realise that you would want to avoid anything more male. Especially one that might increase certain physical male attributes. (I don't know if it does this?)"

I am AMAB so I have plenty of testosterone, and I hate it. If you mean estrogen, then one could in theory, but if you notice, i use the term "cis female" for a reason. I refuse to settle for anything less than that.

"I suppose my thinking is- you've made it clear in other posts that transitioning isn't an option for you. So- if a female body isn't possible- are there any ways to make your mind more at ease with being male? I don't honestly know what it is inside our brains that tell us what gender we are. Do you? I sort of assumed it was hormones. (I've actually always felt I may have more male hormones than average because I've always been more of a tom boy.)"

Not interested in compromising. It's cis or death for me. I am not simply content with the label "female". I need to be it head to toe as well. This is physical issue, not an emotional one for me.

"I'm guessing this will all sound abhorrent to you because you detest everything male and I understand maybe your identity feels closely wrapped up in being female. Still- I wonder if there is some happy medium? Just to take the edge off how MUCH you detest your own body and want to be female? Have you ever spoken to doctors about the options? (Sorry if you've mentioned this before- I haven't read the whole thread.)"

There's a medium, just not a happy one for me. Saying it's better than being completely male is like saying AIDs is better than cancer. It may be true, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't say much from my perspective. I want to be an attractive cis female for a reason. Trans womenhood is womenhood on extra hard mode. It would not be enough to make me want to live in a life that has no actual inherent value.

And incase anyone is wondering, the following reasons are why I will not transition:

1. I find scarring gross. Prob going to have a nasty scar on my crotch from it
2. I wanted to have been a female start to finish. Starting in my 30s when I am 10 years away from when I would have CTB'd anyways is entirely pointless. Yeah, I would have CTB'd in my 40s as a cis female because aging is unappealing to me.
3. I would not likely pass, because I cannot afford all of the important surgeries (bottom surgery, facial femininization surgery, vocal cord surgery etc.) And as mentioned, my own self image is a big reason why I hate being a male, and it wouldn't be much better as a trans woman who doesn't pass all that well
4. These invasive procedures take 5 years. I can't even bare being alive day by day. I am sure as heck not willing to spend another 1000+ days alive for a result that is dubious at best.
5. 20s and early 30s are the best years of young womanhood. I am in my mid 30s. I'll be in the tail end of my 30s by the time I finish complete transitioning (best case scenario anyways)
6. I wanted to be born female from the start so I could have the full female upbringing
7. I dont like the idea of having my body needing to be modified by surgery

Yeah, I view being cis way better than being trans, and I stand by that opinion.

 

[Forever Sleep]

Thank you for responding @Forever Sleep

"Do you know what would happen if you started taking testosterone or another male hormone? I fully realise that you would want to avoid anything more male. Especially one that might increase certain physical male attributes. (I don't know if it does this?)"

I am AMAB so I have plenty of testosterone, and I hate it. If you mean estrogen, then one could in theory, but if you notice, i use the term "cis female" for a reason. I refuse to settle for anything less than that.

"I suppose my thinking is- you've made it clear in other posts that transitioning isn't an option for you. So- if a female body isn't possible- are there any ways to make your mind more at ease with being male? I don't honestly know what it is inside our brains that tell us what gender we are. Do you? I sort of assumed it was hormones. (I've actually always felt I may have more male hormones than average because I've always been more of a tom boy.)"

Not interested in compromising. It's cis or death for me. I am not simply content with the label "female". I need to be it head to toe as well. This is physical issue, not an emotional one for me.

"I'm guessing this will all sound abhorrent to you because you detest everything male and I understand maybe your identity feels closely wrapped up in being female. Still- I wonder if there is some happy medium? Just to take the edge off how MUCH you detest your own body and want to be female? Have you ever spoken to doctors about the options? (Sorry if you've mentioned this before- I haven't read the whole thread.)"

There's a medium, just not a happy one for me. Saying it's better than being completely male is like saying AIDs is better than cancer. It may be true, but in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't say much from my perspective. I want to be an attractive cis female for a reason. Trans womenhood is womenhood on extra hard mode. It would not be enough to make me want to live in a life that has no actual inherent value.

And incase anyone is wondering, the following reasons are why I will not transition:

1. I find scarring gross. Prob going to have a nasty scar on my crotch from it
2. I wanted to have been a female start to finish. Starting in my 30s when I am 10 years away from when I would have CTB'd anyways is entirely pointless. Yeah, I would have CTB'd in my 40s as a cis female because aging is unappealing to me.
3. I would not likely pass, because I cannot afford all of the important surgeries (bottom surgery, facial femininization surgery, vocal cord surgery etc.) And as mentioned, my own self image is a big reason why I hate being a male, and it wouldn't be much better as a trans woman who doesn't pass all that well
4. These invasive procedures take 5 years. I can't even bare being alive day by day. I am sure as heck not willing to spend another 1000+ days alive for a result that is dubious at best.
5. 20s and early 30s are the best years of young womanhood. I am in my mid 30s. I'll be in the tail end of my 30s by the time I finish complete transitioning (best case scenario anyways)
6. I wanted to be born female from the start so I could have the full female upbringing
7. I dont like the idea of having my body needing to be modified by surgery

Yeah, I view being cis way better than being trans, and I stand by that opinion.

Thanks for your response. I didn't mean oestrogen to make you feel more female. (I do understand you don't want half measures.) I meant testosterone to (maybe) make you feel more at ease with being male. Like I say- I don't know if that would happen, plus- I do understand why you wouldn't want to do it- you don't want to even feel male because your identity feels female.

Perhaps this isn't a good comparison but from the view of a likely depressed person that doesn't want treatment: I don't want treatment because I have felt like this for 32 years. It has become a part of my identity. I kind of worry that if I take medication (in particular) it will change or dull who I am and how I think and I won't know myself anymore. Yet- I also know that it might 'help' me to cope better.

I suppose I was trying to say- you can't be female but perhaps upping your male hormones would make you want it less. Yes- it's a compromise but I suppose most treatments are. People on anti depressants (in my experience) aren't recovered- it's just that they're pain is dulled. Like I say though- I don't really know about this and I do understand you are a very 'all or nothing' person- I'm the same!

 

[WorthlessTrash]

Thanks for your response. I didn't mean oestrogen to make you feel more female. (I do understand you don't want half measures.) I meant testosterone to (maybe) make you feel more at ease with being male. Like I say- I don't know if that would happen, plus- I do understand why you wouldn't want to do it- you don't want to even feel male because your identity feels female.

Perhaps this isn't a good comparison but from the view of a likely depressed person that doesn't want treatment: I don't want treatment because I have felt like this for 32 years. It has become a part of my identity. I kind of worry that if I take medication (in particular) it will change or dull who I am and how I think and I won't know myself anymore. Yet- I also know that it might 'help' me to cope better.

I suppose I was trying to say- you can't be female but perhaps upping your male hormones would make you want it less. Yes- it's a compromise but I suppose most treatments are. People on anti depressants (in my experience) aren't recovered- it's just that they're pain is dulled. Like I say though- I don't really know about this and I do understand you are a very 'all or nothing' person- I'm the same!

I dont want to want it less. That would be simply coping. I know that being female is better for me, and that coping won't make me any less grossed out by dicks and ballsacks. I want what I want, and don't want to cope with anything less.

It's more I want the beauty and feminity of being female. I want to be female and I want the full body and attractive privilages that come with it. I hate dicks and balls, including my own.

You are right. I do not want "treatment". I went to therapy for 11 months simply to vent and willfully disregarded all of my therapists suggestions. All or nothing for me.