Venting Planning to CTB if i fail at university

[Szarur-abi]

Hello there, i once vented here about my situation so quick recap: 22 yrs old male, girlfriend left for another man, no talents, no skills, bit autistic with depression and anxiety, have few friends but have trouble socialising in general, even on internet forums i find it scary to even write posts like this. (im scared of reactions to post, responding etc)

Im on last year of my degree and i will probably fail in one subject cause im almost sure that teacher hate me and want me to fail, and it will probably happen. Im currently fighting for passing this subject but if it fails, im planning to CTB i wanted to do it even today using SN in secluded university bathroom but realised it would be stupid and someone would save me anyway so in last moment, i didnt drink SN.

So... Basically i always knew i was worthless, ever since i was 10 i cried at nights telling myself i am worthless, 12 years later i still thinks the same. Due to sensory integration problems i find it difficult to do manual tasks so people will find it always weird on how i struggle with simple tasks like tying shoes. Was bullied in school for 10 years, got mental problems cause of that (im scared of people in general, that they may abuse me verbally, or laughing at me which honestly happened several times which only grounded this belief) its... Really difficult to live in the same village you have been bullied and seeing how your former bullies grew to live relatively happy lifes compared to you. My first girlfriend physically abused me (biting, scratching etc) without my consent obviously. Was thinking of dying since when i was 13 yrs, and i think of dying regurly since then, especially when i leave to live "normal life" trying to socialize, yet finding it difficult while being emphatetic enought to realize everyone puts a mask and is secretly suffering maybe even more than me... Iii really want to die when working in groups, i hate everything in them... The pressure to speak, my lack of understanding the dynamics and feeling guilty of being too anxious to even say anything or do anything, or being ostracized for not knowing some obscure fact that i should know, but i dont cause im a idiot or something. Honestly what is funny on how often i hear that university was best times of our teachers life, like hell mate its literally my worst! Also they say it will only get worse, why live if it will only get worse throught ageing? Like what kind of masochist would want to live if he's been told that it will only get worse and that time in his life when he was bullied and lonely was supposed to be "best time of his life"

And, i found this forum and despite me not being active and not posting anything i find comfort in reading people stories and experiences.

I recently bought SN bottle, i stopped lying to myself it will get better, it wont it never had, for past decade my life was nothing but streams of suffering and guilt, while being unable to fit into very fabric of society that every person strives to and needs to in order to feel fulfilled. It wont get better, if i fail the degree i wont be able to bear it, i will CTB through SN if this happens

I won't lie to myself anymore

 

[sugarh1gh]

I am so sorry that you had a lot to deal with in your life. University bathroom sounds like a bad idea to me, as you could be found by various people. Good call on that.

If you are struggling to study, I am sure there is a petition you can sign and send to university regarding your hardship and how you feel about your professor. They should have various method to help you with your disability. I am sure you can also contact authorities regarding attitude of your professor.

I support you in every decision you make (to throw jokes, no I don't support you if you are harming others). If you wish to ctb, that is a choice I support. I also experience difficulty socializing and working in a group, but hey, you are in your last year. You won't even see these people soon forever, if that means anything to you.

 

[ThatStateOfMind]

I feel I can kinda relate here. I am a similarly young guy, ex cheated and left for that dude, depression and anxiety, with plans of CTB later if college doesn't work out and I can't find a job. Academically, I do well, I have no fear of failing college, but I do fear what comes after (ie. the job search). It does sound like you've struggled quite a bit but I also agree that Uni bathroom is a bad idea. Utilize tutors, there's no shame in it, and most universities offer it for free.

 

[viljalauss]

hello!
i get you on the being scared of reactions/responses. it's very much ok not to post, and i'm glad you can find comfort from reading other people's stories and experiences.

i am definitely failing out of uni - part of the reason i need to ctb before results come out, though it's definitely not the only reason. i was also incidentially thinking of taking sn in a uni bathroom if i can't make/reschedule the date i booked the hotel room but decided against it for the same reasons as you

i couldn't tie my shoes till i was like 14 i think and had no idea why it was so hard.. no one told me it was an autistic thing till around then (when i was diagnosed) and i am only learning now that it's specifically a sensory integration issue :') speaking of autism, that too gave me difficulties socialising especially when i was younger and a lot less self-confident - not knowing when to speak in turns, not quite getting the social dynamic, being anxious to speak. the thing there is that my fear of, say, speaking wasn't really rationalised - i wasn't specifically scared that people were going to laugh at me or verbally attack me for speaking out of turn or for speaking at all. as you said, your experiences have only further grounded your fear of people in general, and i wouldn't be surprised if that extends to your social interactions. and social interactions are so hard as they are

i really think people overlook the fact that bullying can be traumatic, and just how traumatic prolonged bullying can be. people who say 'just ignore the bullies' and other unhelpful advice, either they cannot understand or they wilfully overlook what it must be like to face contempt and abuse with no real reason behind it every single day. the thing with verbal abuse, especially when it's repeated, is that words are so easy to internalise..

Honestly what is funny on how often i hear that university was best times of our teachers life, like hell mate its literally my worst! Also they say it will only get worse, why live if it will only get worse throught ageing? Like what kind of masochist would want to live if he's been told that it will only get worse and that time in his life when he was bullied and lonely was supposed to be "best time of his life"

i hear you on this :') well personally uni has been really good for me (especially living away from my parents) but a lot of people say the same about high school and it makes absolutely no sense to me. partly because so many people get bullied in high school, because everyone is so much less mature, because everything is so stressful, because people barely have autonomy; and partly because of, as you say, the sinister idea behind it that it's only going to get worse from here. like.. thanks for that?

 

[Szarur-abi]

I am so sorry that you had a lot to deal with in your life. University bathroom sounds like a bad idea to me, as you could be found by various people. Good call on that.

If you are struggling to study, I am sure there is a petition you can sign and send to university regarding your hardship and how you feel about your professor. They should have various method to help you with your disability. I am sure you can also contact authorities regarding attitude of your professor.

I support you in every decision you make (to throw jokes, no I don't support you if you are harming others). If you wish to ctb, that is a choice I support. I also experience difficulty socializing and working in a group, but hey, you are in your last year. You won't even see these people soon forever, if that means anything to you.

Yea, but i have stupid ideation that my lifeless body found in bathroom would improve mental awereness in my university or something, or atleast i would be remembered for some time after my death. also i dont want to die in my home if this means my parents would find my body.

and yea, i know its stupid and probably wouldnt work...

I wrote to some places and talked to some people about my situation and everyone is telling me that its going to be okay, but i really doubt it. I will probably fail the subject, and it absolutely sucks cause to this moment i didnt had problem passing on a single thing, i even have my degree work almost finished! And now three years of my life appears to be wasted cause of one teacher.

Also im not bullied at uni cause that may come to mind after reading my venting people are i guess okay but its hard to socialize anyway, especially outside university.

I feel I can kinda relate here. I am a similarly young guy, ex cheated and left for that dude, depression and anxiety, with plans of CTB later if college doesn't work out and I can't find a job. Academically, I do well, I have no fear of failing college, but I do fear what comes after (ie. the job search). It does sound like you've struggled quite a bit but I also agree that Uni bathroom is a bad idea. Utilize tutors, there's no shame in it, and most universities offer it for free.

Sad to hear what you have gone throught, being cheated on is absolutely devastating for mental health, self esteem, trusting in people and others... Job search also scares me, if i will get my degree that is.

 

[Szarur-abi]

hello!
i get you on the being scared of reactions/responses. it's very much ok not to post, and i'm glad you can find comfort from reading other people's stories and experiences.

i am definitely failing out of uni - part of the reason i need to ctb before results come out, though it's definitely not the only reason. i was also incidentially thinking of taking sn in a uni bathroom if i can't make/reschedule the date i booked the hotel room but decided against it for the same reasons as you

i couldn't tie my shoes till i was like 14 i think and had no idea why it was so hard.. no one told me it was an autistic thing till around then (when i was diagnosed) and i am only learning now that it's specifically a sensory integration issue :') speaking of autism, that too gave me difficulties socialising especially when i was younger and a lot less self-confident - not knowing when to speak in turns, not quite getting the social dynamic, being anxious to speak. the thing there is that my fear of, say, speaking wasn't really rationalised - i wasn't specifically scared that people were going to laugh at me or verbally attack me for speaking out of turn or for speaking at all. as you said, your experiences have only further grounded your fear of people in general, and i wouldn't be surprised if that extends to your social interactions. and social interactions are so hard as they are

i really think people overlook the fact that bullying can be traumatic, and just how traumatic prolonged bullying can be. people who say 'just ignore the bullies' and other unhelpful advice, either they cannot understand or they wilfully overlook what it must be like to face contempt and abuse with no real reason behind it every single day. the thing with verbal abuse, especially when it's repeated, is that words are so easy to internalise..

i hear you on this :') well personally uni has been really good for me (especially living away from my parents) but a lot of people say the same about high school and it makes absolutely no sense to me. partly because so many people get bullied in high school, because everyone is so much less mature, because everything is so stressful, because people barely have autonomy; and partly because of, as you say, the sinister idea behind it that it's only going to get worse from here. like.. thanks for that?

Really good to find someone who have similar experiences to me, wish you great fellow stranger!

I wasnt diagnosed for being autistic cause i have no money but my therapist and every test (ex AQ) im getting high scores so im probably autistic, but i will want to make official diagnosis once i get enough money.

bullying is really a toughie for mental health, its often ignored on how adults who experienced this behave and feel regarding they traumatic experiences... Well, especially for men, tho im pretty open about my issues i know many guys who struggled to even go to get first counseling with psychologist, and in context of perception of manliness and how we cant show weakness (Especially in poland where i live) it really shows in statistics... And i mean, im kinda a expection like ive reached for help, been on medication for 8 years and still want to die, on therapy rn and all like there isnt much improvement...

Will see, if i fail my studies it should give me a push to finally overcome SI and CTB so i will finally have peace