Exhausted and no one to talk to. I've been treading water for years. Really trying for months, weeks, I guess. Really really really trying. To be normal enough to not want to end my life. I think I am ready to call it quits. I need a hotel room, a suitable rope, and a pull up bar, I'm assuming. I'm really afraid of using a weak structure to tie the rope onto and failing. I need to get close to it. I need to be in a hotel room alone and drunk with everything set up. I need to get close to it even if I don't do it. I need to see what happens. I can't take my life anymore. Everyone is driving me insane because they can't or won't understand. I can't be in this much pain anymore. I am entirely overstimulated and stranded and isolated. I would really like to attempt within the next few days. I always want to, I got a hotel room for it once, but I've always been too depressed/lazy/afraid/I don't even know what to actually buy the stuff. I guess it doesn't help that I'm poor. Spending this money seems like a big "investment" if I don't go through with it, even though its just a couple hundred dollars. I just need one night in a room and whiskey. I am unraveling. I consider doing it or not doing it or whatever or going to the hospital after if I don't. But the hospitals here are terrible, I've been, you're better off fighting all on your own. I have been living and fighting and just barely surviving all on my own. I can't explain this to anyone, I don't think they even want to hear. Just im sorrys and please don't do its. I need to avoid my friends. I can't talk to them because all I want to talk about is my plan and my urges and how badly I need out. I've still been not self harming, somehow. It's all I want. I need to feel pain. I can't talk to them because I don't want to fuck them up even more if I end up doing it. If I let it slip all these insane depressing things they would be stuck with. And they will deter me from accomplishing it, which will just leave me back in the same tired position again. I can't be in pain anymore.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 37,172
I understand the feeling of being tired of everything and I know that it's so hard to carry on when you suffer so much. Dying really should be easier, it's unfair how it is this difficult to leave this world. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering.
tilsleepcomes
Willing to try anything.
- Jul 23, 2021
- 106
I can relate to that feeling of exhaustion from treading water so long. We're here to talk or just listen, no matter what you decide or how you're doing.
Darkover
Angelic
- Jul 29, 2021
- 4,435
i have a ladder rope and pull up bar was planning on hanging myself from the attic in my own flat but i can't bring my self to do it i need something easier to kill my self with probably SN but would prefer N but it's too expensive
I was just reading about N last night. I've always avoided it because anything that isn't just stuff I could buy at the store is probably too much for my suicidal brain (so stupid and no motivation). But I'm considering it now.
Ash’Girl
Girl, Interrupted
- Apr 29, 2022
- 386
It doesn't really change anything, because we all walk this journey alone. But I can say - you're not alone in your feelings. I identify with everything you've said.
This is random and not really particularly addressed to your reply (if you wouldn't like it to be) but I'm high and trying to deal with feeling insane. So I wanted to know if anyone has had this feeling or something close to it, I might not be phrasing it right, I just want to know if anyone knows if it's A Thing. I just feel crazy. I have had this persistent feeling that the inside of my mind is this really disgusting and fragile texture, maybe decay, or maybe something like the texture of a mushroom when you crush/destroy it? Sometimes I have it when I close my eyes at night, when I can't sleep and my mind hurts. It's like I can see how it feels. I can't tell if its rotting or if it all needs to be scraped away. It just feels like something built up. Also maybe this all sounds insane but I figured if there's somewhere to detail it it's either my journal or you know, the suicide forum. My mind just feels so disgusting and inhospitable and I don't know how to find relief anymore. I don't know. Sorry.
Ash’Girl
Girl, Interrupted
- Apr 29, 2022
- 386
I don't think it sounds insane. I'm not high but I probably have too much alcohol in my system right now but yes, I feel like I've completely eroded to the point I have no idea why I'm here and not even a tiny part of me sees any kind of redemption or coming back from it. I don't know if I feel I'm slowly being erased from existence or if I'm erasing myself by pulling away from everyone and everything that might encourage my continued survival, mostly because I don't really want my continued survival. I'm just trying to figure out a successful way of being gone.
You don't ever need to apologise here. It's probably the only place where all feelings are (or should be) be accepted as valid without judgement.
