Planning made me want to recover

[gnomeboy17]

I planned to ctb and had purchased everything I needed for SN but it made me realize that I don't want to die, at least for now.

I thought this was just me who felt like this, but I watched a film just now called "Dead in a week (or get your money back)" it's pretty funny but shows the dark insight on the reality of suicide. I mention this film because he plans it extensively, only to realize he doesn't want to die. I'd recommend it.

Just thought I'd mention it in case anyone else feels the same way or would like to watch it.

 

[Sensei]

Obtaining all equipment you need to die by your own hand can be very calming and reassuring. When you know that you can leave at any time, the pain becomes much easier to bear.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

I had a somewhat similar experience. I attempted suicide four times in December. Three times within one weekend. It wasn't until I actually got to that moment that there was a part of me actually wanting to live all the sudden. But I kept trying to go through with it because I felt like I HAD to, with everything going on, but it made it more difficult for sure. I couldn't get the hanging right so I stopped and then I actually had the desire to live and fight. I was kind of living in this cloud of hope until about two weeks later, when the reality of my situation hit me and then I tried hanging again but once again, failed. The same pattern. I went a couple of weeks with hope again, but of course it ended. I lost my job and home and had to move in with my father and have wanted to ctb the whole time since then, which started in mid January. But now that I'm living with family, it's been more difficult. I didn't want to do it here but because of the virus going around, it seems like I may have to because I really don't think I can wait months. I honestly don't think my desire to want to live again will hit me next time around but you never know.

 

[gnomeboy17]

I had a somewhat similar experience. I attempted suicide four times in December. Three times within one weekend. It wasn't until I actually got to that moment that there was a part of me actually wanting to live all the sudden. But I kept trying to go through with it because I felt like I HAD to, with everything going on, but it made it more difficult for sure. I couldn't get the hanging right so I stopped and then I actually had the desire to live and fight. I was kind of living in this cloud of hope until about two weeks later, when the reality of my situation hit me and then I tried hanging again but once again, failed. The same pattern. I went a couple of weeks with hope again, but of course it ended. I lost my job and home and had to move in with my father and have wanted to ctb the whole time since then, which started in mid January. But now that I'm living with family, it's been more difficult. I didn't want to do it here but because of the virus going around, it seems like I may have to because I really don't think I can wait months. I honestly don't think my desire to want to live again will hit me next time around but you never know.

Yeah I totally get you, if it wasn't for the virus I think I might try again, but I wouldn't want to waste NHS time if I failed. I hope the desire to live hits you next time, but if not, I hope you're happy with your decision. Best wishes either way.

 

[Notabadguy]

I'm happy for you.

 

[InTheAirTonight]

Planning just makes me more determined to ctb. There is no hope for recovery for me. I'm a broken human and the thought of living for several more decades is the worst fate I can imagine. Planning my ctb is all I'm doing in my spare time, even at work. I got all my supplies for SN just need propranolol.

 

[Luchs]

I planned to ctb and had purchased everything I needed for SN but it made me realize that I don't want to die, at least for now.

I thought this was just me who felt like this, but I watched a film just now called "Dead in a week (or get your money back)" it's pretty funny but shows the dark insight on the reality of suicide. I mention this film because he plans it extensively, only to realize he doesn't want to die. I'd recommend it.

Just thought I'd mention it in case anyone else feels the same way or would like to watch it.

It is less that I want to die, but that I deserve it. I wish what you said was also true for me.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I often say that repressing ideation just makes it bigger. Acutally engaging with it and doing planning can shrink it down to its proper size, or at least smaller, and then the things that it was either bringing up or blocking have room to emerge. Sometimes it leads to survival, sometimes it leads to ctb, sometimes it leads to postponing. Glad to hear you got an outcome that you're happy with.

 

[BlackPoppet]

Yeah I totally get you, if it wasn't for the virus I think I might try again, but I wouldn't want to waste NHS time if I failed. I hope the desire to live hits you next time, but if not, I hope you're happy with your decision. Best wishes either way.

I second this.

 

[Idledays]

Hi @justanotherhuman6. I'm pleased you've realised what you want for yourself at this present moment.

I found that the energy going into planning eased the pain from real life for a while. Then when it came to going through with it I realised I actually hadn't hated being alive in those planning stages. Which seems really weird that I enjoyed planning my death so much that i wanted to carry on living... But the planning took me out of my day to day life as much as I hoped death would. Weird eh?

Made me think if the energy that went into CTB was put somewhere else maybe I could get better and be happy. Or at least content. So I'm trying that and seeing how it goes. We've gotta try right?

Glad you've realised what you want and theres I'm so pleased that there's a community here to support you.

 

[BlackPoppet]

Hi @justanotherhuman6. I'm pleased you've realised what you want for yourself at this present moment.

I found that the energy going into planning eased the pain from real life for a while. Then when it came to going through with it I realised I actually hadn't hated being alive in those planning stages. Which seems really weird that I enjoyed planning my death so much that i wanted to carry on living... But the planning took me out of my day to day life as much as I hoped death would. Weird eh?

Made me think if the energy that went into CTB was put somewhere else maybe I could get better and be happy. Or at least content. So I'm trying that and seeing how it goes. We've gotta try right?

Glad you've realised what you want and theres I'm so pleased that there's a community here to support you.

I second this! We all love you @ Just another human. You are an awesome guy and a beautiful human being!

I second this! We all love you @ Just another human. You are an awesome guy and a beautiful human being!

 

[gnomeboy17]

I often say that repressing ideation just makes it bigger. Acutally engaging with it and doing planning can shrink it down to its proper size, or at least smaller, and then the things that it was either bringing up or blocking have room to emerge. Sometimes it leads to survival, sometimes it leads to ctb, sometimes it leads to postponing. Glad to hear you got an outcome that you're happy with.

Yes that's exactly how I feel, I think it is most likely postponing, I still can see my self ctb, but more like a year away, and I suppose (from most people's point of view) that's better!

It also makes life more livable, as I know I could end it whenever I like, but I've stopped thinking about ctb all the time and it's now only some of the time, so it's certainly easier to focus on things

I second this! We all love you @ Just another human. You are an awesome guy and a beautiful human being!

Glad you've realised what you want and theres I'm so pleased that there's a community here to support you.

Thanks so much guys! It means a lot that I feel like people care about me! :)

 

[Kumachan]

planning means future. For now the only future i can envision and plan for is CTB.

 

[Cashewmilk]

That actually happened to me in 2015. I was so desperate and failed my hanging attempts, I tried to connect with a partner and was thinking about meeting them... but I went manic and had other plans! It was weird but it was good to be focusing on something else for a while. My bipolar is so unpredictable. But even when I was not planning, I was still wishing and still ready to die if it had to happen some other way. Like if I was at risk in a fast moving car or almost got hit etc, I wouldn't fear or resist I'd just accept it. I've wanted to die for almost 2 decades. No amount of happiness will change my mind, but planning it is an on and off thing for me.

I'm glad you changed your mind though

 

[BlackPoppet]

That actually happened to me in 2015. I was so desperate and failed my hanging attempts, I tried to connect with a partner and was thinking about meeting them... but I went manic and had other plans! It was weird but it was good to be focusing on something else for a while. My bipolar is so unpredictable. But even when I was not planning, I was still wishing and still ready to die if it had to happen some other way. Like if I was at risk in a fast moving car or almost got hit etc, I wouldn't fear or resist I'd just accept it. I've wanted to die for almost 2 decades. No amount of happiness will change my mind, but planning it is an on and off thing for me.

I'm glad you changed your mind though