Oh yes!
I have done this my entire life -- even when I was a kid, weighing the "what is" against the "what if". I have always had what I've been told is an "old soul."
On one hand it is exhausting. On the other hand, I have had experiences that brought me so much joy it was incomprehensible (the birth of each of my children, for example). But then again, I have lost track of the nights I have wished with every fiber of my being I would just stop breathing -- mostly because of my screwed up brain and chemistry that is the result of severe and prolonged physical and psychological abuse at the hands of relatives. Nothing is going to change the issues I deal with. They just are what they are.
The single best friend anyone could have ever had in this world died quite unexpectedly in her sleep many years ago. This woman did not have an enemy in this world. She was one of those extraordinary spirits who could figure out how to solve any problem, no matter how bad it seemed to be and never met a person who didn't come to adore her in short order. I feel her loss as much now as I did the morning I got the phone call from her wife. She's the last irl positive relationship I've had, (and truthfully the only real friend I've EVER had in my life). I do still talk to her throughout my days and I do feel her presence with me always. She was (and still is) the absolute embodiment of what we all wish for in a friend.
While we all can't go for dinner and drinks any longer (there were several of us from work that met up for dinner and drinks a couple times a month when she was still with us), I can still feel her presence. In fact, it was her spirit that comforted and protected me when I had my accident a few years ago. An accident that should have killed me. But didn't because, she explained to me while I laid under that car that it simply wasn't my time to join her.
I wanted to go. I was ready. And at the time I was VERY angry that I couldn't "just die and get it over with". But dammit she was right. I may not understand it, and I may be absolutely gutted by this world at times, but there are things here that I need to do. And things I need to finish. Many of those things I am not even aware of yet, haven't even started. Ev
en though I don't know what so many of those things are, I know she would not mislead me.
Interestingly I feel that most of these things are not for me, but for other people. There are people who need me -- some I already know, some are not yet in my life, but that does not change the fact that no matter how miserable I may be, I still have the ability -- and therefore a duty -- to stay and try to do some good in this world. For now, anyway.
So. Until I have accomplished whatever it is I have been put here to do, I will continue to have my ups and downs. I will continue to love my pets and wonder why, for a species that is capable of so much innovation and yes, love for their fellow man, humans are also the cruelest, most cold-blooded, meanest creatures in the universe.
As for my husband -- that man. Oof. He loves what I do for him and is greatly perturbed if his idea of life is rattled in any way. And I suppose he does love me, but he is very immature
. I did, indeed, marry my father and that is not necessarily a good thing given how dysfunctional my family is. However, he has learned that I do have boundaries and if he enjoys the life we have, then he'd best not cross those lines. I take good care of him. He does absolutely nothing but go to work. And come home. Anything else he does is because he wants to -- hobbies, hanging with buddies, whatever he wants. He has no responsibilities outside of going to a 40 hour a week job. I do everything else -- take care of the house, lawn and cars. Pay the bills, do the investing, make sure he has the money for whatever he thinks he needs or wants. And in return he provides me with a lifestyle I would otherwise not have, given my age and physical limitations. It seems a fair trade.
My goodness. It appears I may have needed to get a few things off my chest.
Tl;dr -- I am a basket case.
