wheelsonthebus
vroom vroom
- Apr 1, 2022
- 70
This post includes a suicide note, basically.
I recently learned that one of the number of "tells" that people, including professionals, have been tipped off by in terms of me being.... autistic(?), or otherwise having something developmental going on, is that I really cannot stand to be misunderstood. I knew this about myself, but not that it wasn't a standard experience or something people noticed.
Realizing that every ironic statement, every joke, every allusion (bits I would do) to being overdramatic or taking myself super seriously to poke fun at myself when uncomfortable subjects came up.... was something he was choosing to take literally was, I hate to say, panic inducing. Not great. I started seeing him over a year ago and hindsight 20/20, he said some very flaggable stuff. We shared a community, which was necessary when sharing such a small culture. But the idea of having to say out loud all of the relevant background again to a new person, much less someone not from my community, was so much worse. I felt trapped between a rock and a hard place, which is funnily enough a theme of some of my history I shared with him. There's certainly a behavioral pattern to it; every man I've ever shared the details of that history with has gone on to attempt to perpetuate a similar situation, in some way. I don't think that was his goal, but I sure don't like it.
It is not the only reason for this, but it is certainly a significant contribution. The rest is state-of-the-world related.
I actually had written out a suicide note but I'm not one to send them. Still, I guess I can include them here. English/long versions under the cut.
im hayiti yoda'at eizeh roshem notzar hayiti chosekhet l'shneinu ktsat zman itamar shapira.
I recently learned that one of the number of "tells" that people, including professionals, have been tipped off by in terms of me being.... autistic(?), or otherwise having something developmental going on, is that I really cannot stand to be misunderstood. I knew this about myself, but not that it wasn't a standard experience or something people noticed.
Realizing that every ironic statement, every joke, every allusion (bits I would do) to being overdramatic or taking myself super seriously to poke fun at myself when uncomfortable subjects came up.... was something he was choosing to take literally was, I hate to say, panic inducing. Not great. I started seeing him over a year ago and hindsight 20/20, he said some very flaggable stuff. We shared a community, which was necessary when sharing such a small culture. But the idea of having to say out loud all of the relevant background again to a new person, much less someone not from my community, was so much worse. I felt trapped between a rock and a hard place, which is funnily enough a theme of some of my history I shared with him. There's certainly a behavioral pattern to it; every man I've ever shared the details of that history with has gone on to attempt to perpetuate a similar situation, in some way. I don't think that was his goal, but I sure don't like it.
It is not the only reason for this, but it is certainly a significant contribution. The rest is state-of-the-world related.
I actually had written out a suicide note but I'm not one to send them. Still, I guess I can include them here. English/long versions under the cut.
im hayiti yoda'at eizeh roshem notzar hayiti chosekhet l'shneinu ktsat zman itamar shapira.
Only in hindsight do I understand what I was supposed to "trust you" about. I deeply regret ever placing that trust in you. This was an error on my part. My following actions may arguably be the natural result of an error on your part. I do not expect this to have meaning to you. It does have meaning to me.
If you had listened to what I had tried to share I do not believe you would have come to the determinations you did, but I am forced to conclude that you chose to ignore this information, repeatedly, since it conflicted with your already set impression. I do not expect this infraction to alter your impression. I certainly do not expect that to matter much to me soon.
I really was relying on you to help me, or at least admit if you couldn't. I was harmed, unnecessarily, by you, and that's generally regarded as kind of a dick move. Please learn more about how autism and other developmental "neurodivergencies" can often present in women. How they can seem similar to other things, but come from a very different place (and not benefit from the same treatment approach). It should have at least been seriously discussed. Please do not continue to contribute to a problem. Please at least hesitate before literally speaking over people about the details of their cut-and-dry, recorded and documented childhood experience. And when negative countertransference rises from what a patient is sharing, maybe ask what they mean by that and confirm your assumptions before writing them in stone. Examine your own feelings. Consider you may err as a human and misunderstand something. For example, when I shared my history with MH providers as a child, and the odd ways they described me as some psychological mystery, I feel you may have concluded that this is how I think of myself, as some special case. Quite the opposite. I trusted you not to twist my words, or assume bad faith. I know now I should not have. Please listen when someone explains to you for the fifth time why they cannot logistically do something (cough IOP cough) before you hold it against them as a person.
Consider why I have good reason to suspect that even if you did read this, it would fall on deaf ears, because you do not likely hold yourself open to feedback. And what could a patient know, anyways, when complaints are lodged so often and frequently with little to no basis? Then what if a complaint does have basis? Consider that this is not coming from someone that is anti-science or anti-medicine. I don't seek some small revenge or legal action or anything so motivated.
I deeply, throughout my life, have wanted someone to take me seriously despite the fact that I make everything about myself a joke. Consider why a person might resign themselves to being a punchline. Consider if the things you say out of nowhere are actually likely to be news that the patient needs to hear, or if you are speaking in a sanctimonious way, trying to make yourself feel in control by being insulting. Especially insults the patient has heard before, perhaps internalized. I can say the way I view myself has never been lower. It's certainly stable. I suspect it is more in line with reality now, so maybe you were correct. After all, I'm not a doctor.
Consider that when you tell someone to trust you, it does require some two-way. Paternalism has limits.
I appreciate your enthusiasm for the community, I respect your resilience, and you have a beautiful singing voice.
If you had listened to what I had tried to share I do not believe you would have come to the determinations you did, but I am forced to conclude that you chose to ignore this information, repeatedly, since it conflicted with your already set impression. I do not expect this infraction to alter your impression. I certainly do not expect that to matter much to me soon.
I really was relying on you to help me, or at least admit if you couldn't. I was harmed, unnecessarily, by you, and that's generally regarded as kind of a dick move. Please learn more about how autism and other developmental "neurodivergencies" can often present in women. How they can seem similar to other things, but come from a very different place (and not benefit from the same treatment approach). It should have at least been seriously discussed. Please do not continue to contribute to a problem. Please at least hesitate before literally speaking over people about the details of their cut-and-dry, recorded and documented childhood experience. And when negative countertransference rises from what a patient is sharing, maybe ask what they mean by that and confirm your assumptions before writing them in stone. Examine your own feelings. Consider you may err as a human and misunderstand something. For example, when I shared my history with MH providers as a child, and the odd ways they described me as some psychological mystery, I feel you may have concluded that this is how I think of myself, as some special case. Quite the opposite. I trusted you not to twist my words, or assume bad faith. I know now I should not have. Please listen when someone explains to you for the fifth time why they cannot logistically do something (cough IOP cough) before you hold it against them as a person.
Consider why I have good reason to suspect that even if you did read this, it would fall on deaf ears, because you do not likely hold yourself open to feedback. And what could a patient know, anyways, when complaints are lodged so often and frequently with little to no basis? Then what if a complaint does have basis? Consider that this is not coming from someone that is anti-science or anti-medicine. I don't seek some small revenge or legal action or anything so motivated.
I deeply, throughout my life, have wanted someone to take me seriously despite the fact that I make everything about myself a joke. Consider why a person might resign themselves to being a punchline. Consider if the things you say out of nowhere are actually likely to be news that the patient needs to hear, or if you are speaking in a sanctimonious way, trying to make yourself feel in control by being insulting. Especially insults the patient has heard before, perhaps internalized. I can say the way I view myself has never been lower. It's certainly stable. I suspect it is more in line with reality now, so maybe you were correct. After all, I'm not a doctor.
Consider that when you tell someone to trust you, it does require some two-way. Paternalism has limits.
I appreciate your enthusiasm for the community, I respect your resilience, and you have a beautiful singing voice.
