calloftheabyss
Member
- Aug 30, 2023
- 13
My love,
This isn't your fault. This has been a long, drawn out war I've waged most my life. I've always been trying to stay one step ahead. I've failed. You saw that when things started to go downhill between us. If I'd been more of a man, more responsible with my mental health, I doubt we would have ever gotten there. Then things got worse. I hit a low that I never escaped from. I'm still there now, in the same depressive episode that started pushing you away two years ago,. that finally drove us apart a year later. I'm sorry, if I had just handled my shit, we would have already started our family. Now... I hope you can forgive me. Thank you, for everything.
I cherish every moment we had. I know I was a good partner in the beginning, and I hope you remember me as that. I know I slipped. I'm sorry. I keep thinking about what could have been. You'll make an amazing mother. I would have loved to be a step-dad, raising your daughter with you sounds like a dream. I think our little mixed family would have been cute.If the stars had aligned, I think we could have made it work, and would have had a wonderful life together I would have loved to be there to help out. (I already wake up randomly in the middle of the night, at least with a kid it would be for good reason.) Besides, I'm sure I could have thought of a list of smart ass responses to the questions I know would come.
You said you didn't want this to be my problem. I would have loved for it to be. You're right though. I know it's not just that... It's also me. I feel like there's still something there, though. I did the math, there's no way you weren't talking to him and I at the same time in March/April. You may have already been pregnant, then. You wouldn't have come back if you didn't miss us though, and I feel like there's more at play. Maybe it's that your friends don't like me, but they never seemed to give a damn about you anyways. Maybe it's something else. I don't know. I know your family loved me, I know you still feel something. I hope you can forgive me for this if I'm right.
If you do ever get this letter, or maybe even when, please know I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I hope I'm wrong, and I never cross your mind. I hope if you ever read this, you're indifferent. I can't handle it anymore though. I've done the lifestyle changes, the medications. I've tried therapy, not that there's ever been a doctor to take me seriously. I guess being a man means it doesn't matter if my mother neglected me at best, or my father physically abused me at worst. I digress, that's for a different letter. This is only the first draft. I'm something for dropping this on you now though, with everything going on. I'll try to wait, I promise. I want you to be stable, so you won't think it's this.
Maybe I'm wrong, and everything will work out for you. Maybe he'll stop. Hopefully you'll have a happy family and a beautiful life. I wish you the best, my love.
[Post:
Due to extenuating circumstances, my mental health is seriously on the decline. So, I'm starting a phoenix letter for testing. This one will be mainly a vent while I work out kinks, but it's also the most important letter. This will be to my ex fiancee, she needs to know it's not her fault.
Goal:
Project is an automated message delivery via email to SMS. Planning on tying to a deadman switch in the case of non-activity over a certain time. Honestly? I don't know what will happen first, I just... I need a side project and a public place to vent.]
This isn't your fault. This has been a long, drawn out war I've waged most my life. I've always been trying to stay one step ahead. I've failed. You saw that when things started to go downhill between us. If I'd been more of a man, more responsible with my mental health, I doubt we would have ever gotten there. Then things got worse. I hit a low that I never escaped from. I'm still there now, in the same depressive episode that started pushing you away two years ago,. that finally drove us apart a year later. I'm sorry, if I had just handled my shit, we would have already started our family. Now... I hope you can forgive me. Thank you, for everything.
I cherish every moment we had. I know I was a good partner in the beginning, and I hope you remember me as that. I know I slipped. I'm sorry. I keep thinking about what could have been. You'll make an amazing mother. I would have loved to be a step-dad, raising your daughter with you sounds like a dream. I think our little mixed family would have been cute.If the stars had aligned, I think we could have made it work, and would have had a wonderful life together I would have loved to be there to help out. (I already wake up randomly in the middle of the night, at least with a kid it would be for good reason.) Besides, I'm sure I could have thought of a list of smart ass responses to the questions I know would come.
You said you didn't want this to be my problem. I would have loved for it to be. You're right though. I know it's not just that... It's also me. I feel like there's still something there, though. I did the math, there's no way you weren't talking to him and I at the same time in March/April. You may have already been pregnant, then. You wouldn't have come back if you didn't miss us though, and I feel like there's more at play. Maybe it's that your friends don't like me, but they never seemed to give a damn about you anyways. Maybe it's something else. I don't know. I know your family loved me, I know you still feel something. I hope you can forgive me for this if I'm right.
If you do ever get this letter, or maybe even when, please know I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. I hope I'm wrong, and I never cross your mind. I hope if you ever read this, you're indifferent. I can't handle it anymore though. I've done the lifestyle changes, the medications. I've tried therapy, not that there's ever been a doctor to take me seriously. I guess being a man means it doesn't matter if my mother neglected me at best, or my father physically abused me at worst. I digress, that's for a different letter. This is only the first draft. I'm something for dropping this on you now though, with everything going on. I'll try to wait, I promise. I want you to be stable, so you won't think it's this.
Maybe I'm wrong, and everything will work out for you. Maybe he'll stop. Hopefully you'll have a happy family and a beautiful life. I wish you the best, my love.
[Post:
Due to extenuating circumstances, my mental health is seriously on the decline. So, I'm starting a phoenix letter for testing. This one will be mainly a vent while I work out kinks, but it's also the most important letter. This will be to my ex fiancee, she needs to know it's not her fault.
Goal:
Project is an automated message delivery via email to SMS. Planning on tying to a deadman switch in the case of non-activity over a certain time. Honestly? I don't know what will happen first, I just... I need a side project and a public place to vent.]
