Venting Philosophical Desire to Die?

[Benjamin]

Hello everyone, I am brand new here. I have a philosophical desire to die, and I am curious if anyone here is the same? There is no specific reason I want to commit suicide. I have no lost love, loss, debt, or any eventful reason, nor do I have emotional or physical pain. I just have absolutely no desire to live, and I philosophically believe that I am supposed to die. Idk if that makes me crazy, but its just... I don't know how to explain it really. This is the best way I can explain it.

There are certain activities we do not enjoy doing. One of which with my mom, for example, is video games. No matter what the game, story, graphics, mechanics, whatever, she has absolutely no interest simply because video games are video games. The situation I see myself in, is life is like a game. And it really is in a lot of ways. I couldn't care less if there's a lot to do, or things to see, or experiences to experience. If I had infinite health, money, cheats to have a great wife, kids, family, health, and life. Simply because life is life, I have no interest in being part of it. I have no desire to play the game of life. There is no version of my life I would be happy living or someone else's life. The fundamentals of what it is to be alive I dislike. I hate being tired, I hate sleeping, I hate being awake, I hate working, I hate being lazy, I hate eating, I hate being hungry... There is nothing I want to do in this life....

I hope this community would be kind of understanding to this, I know its kind of a backwards logic to follow. Does anyone else feel like this? Can anyone understand it even? I haven't really had an opportunity to explain my thoughts to someone else yet, I don't even know if it makes sense.

 

[Smilla]

I think you will find many comrades here. Welcome. And yes I understand what you are saying.

I'd write more but I am dead tired (no pun intended).

 

[TheCrow]

I have a lot of good reasons to die, but I also know what you're talking about. I hate almost everything in life just in general. I am so not interested. If my leg/foot could magically heal and I had millions of dollars and was going to go on some fabulous vacation, I'd be like, uuuuuuggghhh.

 

[3927]

I think our intelligence as humans works against us in a lot of ways because we question our purpose and the meaning behind life itself. I would definitely be happy if I was a dog because they don't have that kind of mental capacity; but as I am right now, a human, I would want to die no matter what. And I think that's just the fundamental problem for people like us.

Not to say that only stupid people are happy of course.

 

[suffering]

I started like you, with the philosophical desire to die. Then while trying to decide if I should do it or not, how to do it, trying to build courage to do it etc .. time passed and my life went to absolute shit. I ended up have both a philosophical desire to die and a practical one.
But looks like my SI is stronger than I thought.. so here I am trying to start over, trying to make the best of an existence whose 'best' I know won't satisfy me anyway. I'm trapped in hell, trying to find a decent way to live life, grow old and finally find the sweet release of death by natural causes. I have no choice but dying the slow, natural way.

 

[sólstafir]

I understood your post. I'm the same. You described it really well. If you're not interested in happiness neither, then it really feels like you're ready for death, at least it feels so for me. I would like to add something to that and may sound weird because it's hard to describe.

I personally don't like anything about being a human anymore. Don't like to be that someone who has to witness something. Anything. Hearing people outside talking, even if it's just something neutral and I don't want to hear it but I'm forced to because I'm awake. The scenery in a city, advertisements, people, cars, houses. Being aware of it all, having conciousness. Knowing about the things that people value – be supportive, kind, funny, smile a lot, be beautiful, be a a personality. Be someone. I'm not. I'm absolutely nothing. Eating, preparing food, washing yourself – Neutral activity for me, nothing worth living for. I know the feeling when you're interested in something (studying) and I don't miss it. Overall, every kind of human feeling there is, I hate it, felt them enough already. I just don't like being a human. I've neglected these past months basically everything. I don't miss out anything, because normal human desires have left me. I kinda like the feeling of being completely distant to humans and not in pain anymore so much. Death.. will be my final release. : )

 

[deflagrat]

I could care less about this world or about anything in it. I live for no reason. I don't even enjoy most of the stuff I used to enjoy, so no point in becoming an hedonist. Living is kind of a pain for me because most of the time I am just plainly bored.

I can't kill myself because of my parents, and the disability benefits would be wasted. Otherwise I don't need any reasons to kill myself other that "I don't want to work". If I don't work, I become homeless. I don't want to be homeless, so I rather die. That's what will happen to me when I am 40 o 50 years old and my parents die. Also, for me there is nothing after death so killing myself now it's not really ideal, I should use what I have until I don't have it.

 

[LastDay]

Wow, thank you for posting this. I couldn't quite put into words what I was feeling but wow, this is it. However I do have the emotional suffering part as well and that whole depression thing where I feel like my existence is an error in the system.

 

[Armadillo]

Hello everyone, I am brand new here. I have a philosophical desire to die, and I am curious if anyone here is the same? There is no specific reason I want to commit suicide. I have no lost love, loss, debt, or any eventful reason, nor do I have emotional or physical pain. I just have absolutely no desire to live, and I philosophically believe that I am supposed to die. Idk if that makes me crazy, but its just... I don't know how to explain it really. This is the best way I can explain it.

There are certain activities we do not enjoy doing. One of which with my mom, for example, is video games. No matter what the game, story, graphics, mechanics, whatever, she has absolutely no interest simply because video games are video games. The situation I see myself in, is life is like a game. And it really is in a lot of ways. I couldn't care less if there's a lot to do, or things to see, or experiences to experience. If I had infinite health, money, cheats to have a great wife, kids, family, health, and life. Simply because life is life, I have no interest in being part of it. I have no desire to play the game of life. There is no version of my life I would be happy living or someone else's life. The fundamentals of what it is to be alive I dislike. I hate being tired, I hate sleeping, I hate being awake, I hate working, I hate being lazy, I hate eating, I hate being hungry... There is nothing I want to do in this life....

I hope this community would be kind of understanding to this, I know its kind of a backwards logic to follow. Does anyone else feel like this? Can anyone understand it even? I haven't really had an opportunity to explain my thoughts to someone else yet, I don't even know if it makes sense.

Intetesting post. May I ask you a few questions to better understand your situation?

You said that you do not experience at the moment any sort of pain, wheter emotional or physical, but you list a lot of activities wich are necessary to keep a "normal" human being alive as a reason for distress (you hate eating, being awake, working and so on).
Moreover you state that no life condition would bring you pleasure since you do not desire any condition that is usually seen as a source of happiness by a lot of people (health, career, a family etc.).

Could your dislike for the mundane activities that you listed be a source of some kind of suffering? Since you have no desire for those, being somewhat forced to pursue them can't be positive, correct?
Let's make an examample: if you go to the cinema to see an extremely boring movie you wouldn't say that it was a reason of "suffering", but since it was in no way pleasurable it was not a positive experience. Could this be applied to the way you see life?
It's not THAT unbearably painful, but it's not desirable either, so why go on? Overall is a negative experience, like that movie.

Would you say that if you found pleasure in everyday activities/you were really happy your life would be worth living?
Would you say that you are in a state of strong anhedonia?

I know that this does in no way solve the problem. You can do what you want but you can't will what you will.
Could something that enables you to find pleasure in life be positive in your opinion?

Not to say that only stupid people are happy of course.

I disagree. Too broad of a generalization. Maybe intelligent people are on average less happy than stupid ones, but I don't see such a strong correlation between intelligence and happiness.
Many geniuses lived extremely happy lives, many clinically retarded people are miserable. Even dogs can be depressed.
Low intelligence is not a good predictor of life satisfaction.

 

[Benjamin]

Intetesting post. May I ask you a few questions to better understand your situation?

You said that you do not experience at the moment any sort of pain, wheter emotional or physical, but you list a lot of activities which are necessary to keep a "normal" human being alive as a reason for distress (you hate eating, being awake, working and so on).
Moreover you state that no life condition would bring you pleasure since you do not desire any condition that is usually seen as a source of happiness by a lot of people (health, career, a family etc.).

Could your dislike for the mundane activities that you listed be a source of some kind of suffering? Since you have no desire for those, being somewhat forced to pursue them can't be positive, correct?
Let's make an examample: if you go to the cinema to see an extremely boring movie you wouldn't say that it was a reason of "suffering", but since it was in no way pleasurable it was not a positive experience. Could this be applied to the way you see life?
It's not THAT unbearably painful, but it's not desirable either, so why go on? Overall is a negative experience, like that movie.

Would you say that if you found pleasure in everyday activities/you were really happy your life would be worth living?
Would you say that you are in a state of strong anhedonia?

I know that this does in no way solve the problem. You can do what you want but you can't will what you will.
Could something that enables you to find pleasure in life be positive in your opinion?



I disagree. Too broad of a generalization. Maybe intelligent people are on average less happy than stupid ones, but I don't see such a strong correlation between intelligence and happiness.
Many geniuses lived extremely happy lives, many clinically retarded people are miserable. Even dogs can be depressed.
Low intelligence is not a good predictor of life satisfaction.

Hello Armadillo, id be happy to answer questions. By no emotional or physical pain I mean I don't have PTSD, or I'm not bound to a wheelchair, or suffer any kind of trauma. Like there is no major pain in my life that drives me to kill myself.

I wouldn't consider my dislike for the mundane to be suffering, it's just indifference. But that may be just a different perception of what suffering means. But yes I can relate how I feel to being forced to watch a boring movie I am not invested in on loop.

No, if I found pleasure in life it still wouldn't be worth living for me. That's the difference between with a philosophical desire to die. Its a way of life almost, its the way things are supposed to be. There is no version of my life, happy or not, that I want to continue living. (Going back to the video game example, there is no way I could convince my mom to play a video game because she simply doesn't like video games. Nothing will change that.) I would say I live in a constant state of anhedonia. Finding pleasure in life would be a positive for sure, it'd make the time between now and when I can put my plan into action more bearable. But it wouldnt change the outcome if that makes sense.

 

[couragetodie]

Sounds like depression there a bit. I for one don't believe my future will improve so that's why I want to ctb. I definitely used to enjoy life at times so I can't relate to never enjoying anything. That said, my life sucks royally now and I don't want to suffer anymore.

 

[Armadillo]

Hello Armadillo, id be happy to answer questions. By no emotional or physical pain I mean I don't have PTSD, or I'm not bound to a wheelchair, or suffer any kind of trauma. Like there is no major pain in my life that drives me to kill myself.

I wouldn't consider my dislike for the mundane to be suffering, it's just indifference. But that may be just a different perception of what suffering means. But yes I can relate how I feel to being forced to watch a boring movie I am not invested in on loop.

No, if I found pleasure in life it still wouldn't be worth living for me. That's the difference between with a philosophical desire to die. Its a way of life almost, its the way things are supposed to be. There is no version of my life, happy or not, that I want to continue living. (Going back to the video game example, there is no way I could convince my mom to play a video game because she simply doesn't like video games. Nothing will change that.) I would say I live in a constant state of anhedonia. Finding pleasure in life would be a positive for sure, it'd make the time between now and when I can put my plan into action more bearable. But it wouldnt change the outcome if that makes sense.

I see... seems to me you'd still prefer death to an enjoyable life.
I think very few people would be in the same boat as yours, but there's nothing wrong with your desire even though I can't say I relate.
Out of curiosity, was it always like this?
Were you happy in the past, and if yes did you still have those thoughts?

Anyway, I would advise 2 things.
Since you're not in a state of unbereable suffering, plan your exit carefully, no need to rush, you'll maximize your chanches of success.
And if you don't plan on being around for too long, you could look for short term "cures" for anhedonia... hard drugs may be worth a try.

 

[Benjamin]

I see... seems to me you'd still prefer death to an enjoyable life.
I think very few people would be in the same boat as yours, but there's nothing wrong with your desire even though I can't say I relate.
Out of curiosity, was it always like this?
Were you happy in the past, and if yes did you still have those thoughts?

Anyway, I would advise 2 things.
Since you're not in a state of unbereable suffering, plan your exit carefully, no need to rush, you'll maximize your chanches of success.
And if you don't plan on being around for too long, you could look for short term "cures" for anhedonia... hard drugs may be worth a try.

Thanks Armadillo. I think I was happy in the past, but I can't ever remember. (But that is also part of depression, you can't remember the good times sometimes). But I know I was diagnosed with depression sometime between 12 and 13, and I am 22 now. So its been a decade on the downward slope.

I have worked out a plan, I almost have everything I need aside from funds. I am just really struggling to find a job where I live right now. Even McDonalds is rarely hiring, and whenever they do they get hundreds of resumes so mine probably hasn't even been seen yet. And I have tried drugs in the past, including ketamine and coke, but the euphoria I get from them isn't even that high. So I haven't sought harder drugs. But when I finally land a job and get my funding in order, I will definitely give it a look.

 

[Ruffian]

I can relate to some of the things you said for sure. It does sound like you are somewhat depressed, but I am no position to give advice - this forum does not seem like the place to tell people to look on the bright side, it'll get better, etc. I can also factor in my own mental health issues started around your age, and I have run the gamut with medications and was really damaged emotionally by a therapist. Unbelievably, I found someone better and who means well, but ultimately I've spent most of my life angry and depressed. And I laughed about how you hate being hungry or tired. One of the the biggest things in life that I hate is the constant search, preparation, and eating of food. Every time I'm hungry I get pissed because it happens 3-5 times a day and when you're depressed it's a pain in the ass to make any decision, even if it's just what to eat. OK, so my reply ended up being more about me than you, but I can relate to how the tedious minutiae of life could push someone over the edge. But these forums are a big help - I think there are a lot of people who can relate.

 

[Benjamin]

Every time I'm hungry I get pissed because it happens 3-5 times a day and when you're depressed it's a pain in the ass to make any decision, even if it's just what to eat.

That is such a good way to put it haha. I love that!

 

[LastDay]

@Ruffian @Benjamin There's always Soylent meal replacement shakes if you're tired of making decisions about what to eat. Not as "joyful" as food but not having to decide on what to have is a big plus.

 

[Benjamin]

@Ruffian @Benjamin There's always Soylent meal replacement shakes if you're tired of making decisions about what to eat. Not as "joyful"as food but not having to decide on what to have is a big plus.

@LastDay Yeah Ive seen those, I would totally get them if I had a job haha. They look interesting.

 

[Lil_Intro_Vert]

I can relate to how you feel, i think if i just had some shitty life experiences but a strong reason to live i could make it through, but since it's really hard for me to philisophically find a reason to stay alive that i can consistently believe in it makes wanting to get better a lot harder, and almost impossible sometimes lol

 

[Partial-Elf]

I relate to this. Once I came to terms with the fact that death is complete oblivion and the cessation of being, I gradually realized how much preferable being dead is to the ups and downs of life. And my life is pretty decent in the grand scheme of things–outside of mental illness and a few other issues. What's frustrating is that most people can't conceive of a rational suicide and don't respect that choice even when it's made with a clear head. Of course, most people also don't really understand what death is so I guess that's not a surprise

 

[Lifeisatrap]

Yeah, it's similar to how playing with toys is fun when you're a kid but when you're an adult it no longer is. I think this can also be applied to life. Even if you were happy as a child ( I certainley wasn't lol) life can eventually lose it's zest over time.

 

[Throwaway563078]

Wow, thank you for posting this. I couldn't quite put into words what I was feeling but wow, this is it. However I do have the emotional suffering part as well and that whole depression thing where I feel like my existence is an error in the system.

The system itself is an error

 

[ForestLove]

To sum it up, we are all born to suffer. Everything is temporary in Life. I truly hope there is no afterlife.

 

[BlackDragonof1989]

Sometimes I wonder if everything is as it should be and we're just playing pre-scripted roles but I'm a bit psychotic tonight so grains of salt, big grains of salt <3

 

[StillWaiting]

Forced to live because I don't have the energy or courage to ctb. Too tired to change anything not that it will make much difference. I can't see a happy end or a okay end for me

 

[Ruffian]

Benjamin I just thought of you and actually lol'd for real not just writing it. I just prepared the dinner from hell. If this site hadn't made me consider the preparation to ctb I could end it right now.

 

[Benjamin]

Benjamin I just thought of you and actually lol'd for real not just writing it. I just prepared the dinner from hell. If this site hadn't made me consider the preparation to ctb I could end it right now.

Haha why did you lol? What did you make haha