Discussion Philophobia

[sunny.sativa]

"I don't love people. I love Camaros, Zeppelin and French fries. In that order."

Steven Hyde said that, about a decade-and-a-half ago.. if you get my reference, we might make good friends.

I can honestly say that I am not a hypochondriac, but I am a thousand percent convinced that I'm afflicted with the "medically informal" disease known as philophobia.

I refuse to fall in love. I won't even let the term go that deep, I mean, I won't even allow myself a crush. As soon as someone even insinuates that they have a "thing" for me, I'm out. I'm a bitch and a half to them, I MUST make sure to obliterate any idea they may have that there's a chance between us. And I destroy my own thoughts of liking someone else.

It's not that I feel that I'm too good for anyone else, frankly, it's the opposite. I can't let anyone know me more than.. surface Sunny. The high-energy barista that comes to work put-together and topped with a smile. She doesn't say much, she works hard, then leaves quickly with her almond milk drink.
That's all I ever want anyone to know. A relationship requires so much information. Hell no.

Does anyone relate? Have you shunned the idea of intimacy? If so, how come? If not, have you experienced real love?

I hate to shit on your parade if you're down with the sickness, but I can't believe in love. Will you tell me why you hang onto it, if you do?

 

[LastFlowers]

That 70's Show lol
too bad what I heard about the actor though

Since we are in the quote mood,
I was just watching this show called Fleabag and there's a little speech in the final episode of S2. The first part is :

"Love is awful. It's awful. It's painful. It's frightening. It makes you doubt yourself, judge yourself, distance yourself from the other people in your life. It makes you selfish. It makes you creepy, makes you obsessed with your hair, makes you cruel, makes you say and do things you never thought you would do. It's all any of us want, and it's hell when we get there." -

Now the character totally rounded it out in the second half of his speech, bringing the sweet after the bitter. But I don't think it makes the first part any less true. Love can be a monster. Maybe that's why some people stop chasing it when it finally turns around to face them. Or maybe they already know what they will see, and so they run away.
I definelty think someone can be afraid of love. Even in the phobic sense.

Love is different for a lot of people though, there's familial, romantic, platonic, etc.
I've always thought there was something a little 'off' about love.
Usually when one type of love tramples on another. Or when it erases the individual. When it sucks you of your secrets. When it's a fraud.
..And certain people's defintions of love, well they really strike me as odd sometimes.

Personally, I have major issues with my appearance and my face is just plain unattractive and has also been damaged in some ways.
So I don't want anyone near me.
I don't want to be seen. My vulnerability is worn on my flesh.
When you are ugly, you can't even hide behind a "surface you."
So I isolate to the extreme.
But I think, we are still both doing similar things. In not wanting to be truly visible to others. To have control over what is shared and what is not.
Intimacy is the consensual invasion of privacy.

Continuing within my own vein,
I know a lot of people who are insecure or who hate the way they look can yearn for the opposite of isolation.
I see it a lot, even on this site. It seems the goal is a relationship.
I can't understand this because I just want to be ME, I want to be free, I want to look the way I see myself, I want my identity to be in harmony with my body. No different than the plea of the trans community.
I'm too busy with myself to think about getting into a relationship with another person.
I can't even keep friends like this.
It's only family that I can't cut loose.
But you know, even the past intimacy with them scares me. I wish I could take things back. Wish I didn't say things, show things, do things.
I worry about this when I die. I worry about the pieces of me they have and what they will do with them when I'm gone. How they will twist them. How they will destroy them. The things they will do unknown. Likely all, in the name of "Love."

So, in a way, I also don't "allow it" anymore. It is painful in the position I am in. It is legitimately poison for me right now.

And after all this time, after existing in Hell, seeing what I've seen from this side of life..I think if my main problem was obliterated tomorrow, I would still be cautious with many things-including "love", perhaps so cautious that I would always have to keep a safe distance.
And I'm just talking about love here,
now if you want to talk about phobias and aversions, I've ALWAYS had SEX opposite my shotgun lol.
( I don't really have a shotgun, if I did, I'd be gone by now! In the meantime, cheers to almond milk!)