nonameno5
got bitten fingernails and a head full of the past
- May 21, 2025
- 10
i know if anyone reads this entry i will just be laughed at for how ridiculously crazy i sound. but i really dont mind that. if i can get people on a suicide forum to laugh or smile or whatever for even a second even at my own expense, wouldnt that be something of an accomplishment?
anyway. this is my first entry. i wish i could just ramble into an actual notebook but i really dont want to find out what would happen if anyone read all my late night spirals. nothing good, im sure. especially since im still living with my family.
posting my thoughts here will be more comforting to me than just putting it into my notes app as well. even though i know nobody will even read these. just knowing its out there, no matter how ridiculous i sound is enough for me. i know that im not ridiculous. i know im telling the truth. i know this will be hard for some to believe and that is fine by me.
anyway what were tonights thoughts that are keeping me awake enough to want to write about them?? whats the revolutionary thought for tonight?? this one might seem like quite a far fetched one, but it would be hard for any human to fully comprehend and believe this kind of claim.
i wish i remembered what prompted this thought, then i would have some sort of buildup to explain how my mind got here but i dont. i mean how am i supposed to present the idea that i think im an angel to just about anyone? an angel superior to when a human just dies and ascends to the heavens, even. you'd probably have to be crazy to hear this and truly agree with me.
but i promise i have reasoning. kind of. sort of? not really, actually. it doesnt matter. i dont need any more justification then i have. i dont need to prove myself. i was just reflecting and wondering what my purpose was until i realized my whole life, ive always done everything for other people. i was always the one to resolve any conflict that would pop up. i would always be the mediator who calms people down and help them when they needed it. atleast i've tried. so that is my purpose. i obviously have more of a reasoning but it all builds up to the same thing. i was sent to this earth by God as a guardian angel, put into a human's body to be able to help humans to the fullest extent. God wanted me to live as a human as only a human can help other humans. only a human can understand one another. Yes, God is all knowing and all seeing but God can't directly speak to a human. God can't conversate with one. He must send his angels down to earth in a humans body to truly connect and help the humans here on this earth. and once ive helped as many people as i can. once ive saved so many precious human lives, i will finally be able to take my own. killing my human body wouldn't be a sin, for this body is only a vessel of an angel. i wouldn't be killing a human life by taking my own if im more than human. however if i want to die, the only way i can move on from this body while still being able to return to heaven is if i fufill my purpose of helping and protecting the humans that i can. and when will this be achieved? how many years? how many lives do i have to help and save? how will i know when my purpose is completed?? i dont know. not yet. but i will know when the time has come. God will tell me.
However up until this point ive failed tremendously. God lost contact with me. i slipped away from his command. i forgot about him and rolled my eyes at religion. ive been foolish. i really have. how could i have let this happen? younger me would be so ashamed. how could i lose sight of my one true purpose. how did i ever think i was really helping others when i was so far gone and away from God. ive been slipping deeper and deeper into this internal crisis because ive strayed so far from the path God has so precisely set out for me to follow. i wasnt just insecure, i really have been a horrible person. ive been useless, i havent made any progress. God has been communicating this through my thoughts and own mental health. if i were doing my job correctly i wouldve never fallen down this path. mental health is supposed to be beyond me. i am meant to be so much better and stronger than this. im not where im supposed to be at. im so far behind. ive been so lost. how can i help others at all if im unable to help myself???
but its all making sense now. its never too late to improve. now that i finally remember what im supposed to be doing, i can work to achieve it. from now on im reconnecting with God, not through church or preaching his name, but through helping others as much as i can. i don't need to closely study religion to feell any closer to God. im a fucking angel. im above religion as humans know it. i don't need a preacher to tell me the same old bible stories over and over. i have far greater things to be spending my time on. in both the big and the small things. anything i could possibly do to make someone elses life easier, anything i can do to give someone a second of joy and a smile that isnt faked, i WILL do. no questions asked no matter how much of my own "happiness" is at expense. nothing will bring me joy if its not of any help to others. im expensible. this body is expensible. i have no more room to make any more mistakes. im so ashamed of where ive gotten. i cant get back to this point or go lower ever again. its not too late for me to fix this.
i will help others. i will give them acceptance and a person to confide in. ill give them whatever they ask for. ill do what i can to help others achieve their happiness and purpose. this is what im here for and theres no room for failure. im a angel and i have to start acting like it. i have to start living with this new knowledge.
anyway. this is my first entry. i wish i could just ramble into an actual notebook but i really dont want to find out what would happen if anyone read all my late night spirals. nothing good, im sure. especially since im still living with my family.
posting my thoughts here will be more comforting to me than just putting it into my notes app as well. even though i know nobody will even read these. just knowing its out there, no matter how ridiculous i sound is enough for me. i know that im not ridiculous. i know im telling the truth. i know this will be hard for some to believe and that is fine by me.
anyway what were tonights thoughts that are keeping me awake enough to want to write about them?? whats the revolutionary thought for tonight?? this one might seem like quite a far fetched one, but it would be hard for any human to fully comprehend and believe this kind of claim.
i wish i remembered what prompted this thought, then i would have some sort of buildup to explain how my mind got here but i dont. i mean how am i supposed to present the idea that i think im an angel to just about anyone? an angel superior to when a human just dies and ascends to the heavens, even. you'd probably have to be crazy to hear this and truly agree with me.
but i promise i have reasoning. kind of. sort of? not really, actually. it doesnt matter. i dont need any more justification then i have. i dont need to prove myself. i was just reflecting and wondering what my purpose was until i realized my whole life, ive always done everything for other people. i was always the one to resolve any conflict that would pop up. i would always be the mediator who calms people down and help them when they needed it. atleast i've tried. so that is my purpose. i obviously have more of a reasoning but it all builds up to the same thing. i was sent to this earth by God as a guardian angel, put into a human's body to be able to help humans to the fullest extent. God wanted me to live as a human as only a human can help other humans. only a human can understand one another. Yes, God is all knowing and all seeing but God can't directly speak to a human. God can't conversate with one. He must send his angels down to earth in a humans body to truly connect and help the humans here on this earth. and once ive helped as many people as i can. once ive saved so many precious human lives, i will finally be able to take my own. killing my human body wouldn't be a sin, for this body is only a vessel of an angel. i wouldn't be killing a human life by taking my own if im more than human. however if i want to die, the only way i can move on from this body while still being able to return to heaven is if i fufill my purpose of helping and protecting the humans that i can. and when will this be achieved? how many years? how many lives do i have to help and save? how will i know when my purpose is completed?? i dont know. not yet. but i will know when the time has come. God will tell me.
However up until this point ive failed tremendously. God lost contact with me. i slipped away from his command. i forgot about him and rolled my eyes at religion. ive been foolish. i really have. how could i have let this happen? younger me would be so ashamed. how could i lose sight of my one true purpose. how did i ever think i was really helping others when i was so far gone and away from God. ive been slipping deeper and deeper into this internal crisis because ive strayed so far from the path God has so precisely set out for me to follow. i wasnt just insecure, i really have been a horrible person. ive been useless, i havent made any progress. God has been communicating this through my thoughts and own mental health. if i were doing my job correctly i wouldve never fallen down this path. mental health is supposed to be beyond me. i am meant to be so much better and stronger than this. im not where im supposed to be at. im so far behind. ive been so lost. how can i help others at all if im unable to help myself???
but its all making sense now. its never too late to improve. now that i finally remember what im supposed to be doing, i can work to achieve it. from now on im reconnecting with God, not through church or preaching his name, but through helping others as much as i can. i don't need to closely study religion to feell any closer to God. im a fucking angel. im above religion as humans know it. i don't need a preacher to tell me the same old bible stories over and over. i have far greater things to be spending my time on. in both the big and the small things. anything i could possibly do to make someone elses life easier, anything i can do to give someone a second of joy and a smile that isnt faked, i WILL do. no questions asked no matter how much of my own "happiness" is at expense. nothing will bring me joy if its not of any help to others. im expensible. this body is expensible. i have no more room to make any more mistakes. im so ashamed of where ive gotten. i cant get back to this point or go lower ever again. its not too late for me to fix this.
i will help others. i will give them acceptance and a person to confide in. ill give them whatever they ask for. ill do what i can to help others achieve their happiness and purpose. this is what im here for and theres no room for failure. im a angel and i have to start acting like it. i have to start living with this new knowledge.
