Hey everyone!
Whilst I understand that this post is probably better suited for one of the mega threads, I think posting it as it's own thread might be beneficial? I don't really know though.
Anyways, here I go.
This post is a little long, so apologies in advance. However, if you are considering the carbon monoxide method I would recommend you possibly read…. Not to give myself an inflated sense of importance or anything, just I wish I'd had an opportunity to read an in depth walk through I'd what could happen before I tried.
I have set this post out into sections in hopes of making it at least a little easier to navigate and read.
1)INTRO
In late August of this year I tried to end my life through the carbon monoxide charcoal method.
Whilst I obviously failed my attempt, I would like to state that this is still my method of choice, I mean, to be completely honest, this attempt might have actually solidified my choice even more.
I'd like to preface what you are about to read by saying, I by NO MEANS encourage anyone to end their life; I just want to share my experiences incase anyone may find them helpful, useful or even just interesting.
2)WHERE I LIVE
I guess Its as good a way as any to start by saying that I live in the UK, although I don't think there will be much difference in the possibility of doing this method, no matter where you are.
3)EQUIPMENT (?)
For my attempt in august I bought 4 ready made 'small' charcoal BBQ's from Homebase, although you can get them from Sainsbury's and pretty much anywhere else. I had had the BBQ's for about 2-3 weeks before using them, but on the night I tried to end it all I went to sainsburys, got a nice bottle of vodka and a bag of ice (the ice was used in the process later).
4)METHOD/ MY STORY/ MY EXPERIENCE
On the night it took place I lit all 4 BBQ's (although I only planned on using 3).
I let the BBQ's burn for half an hour whilst drinking some vodka and lemonade (but not excessively, I wanted to make sure I had my physical faculties ready and able to use). By half an hour the charcoal had stopped producing flames and was just simmering.
At this point I poured the bag of ice into a large-ish metal bucket that I use as a bedroom bin (I've had it since I was a kid, so I regret to inform you that I don't remember where I got it from). I then proceeded to fill a metal popcorn bucket with the 4 trays of charcoal. They filled the bucket to the brim. (this bucket is available usually (but not always) at Odeon as a promotional item (for example, mine was a fast and furious one… but I digress)).
I then put the popcorn bucket into the ice (which I'd created a bucket shaped hole in) using oven gloves (and just as a warning, this is still pretty damn hot).
From this point, I picked up the buckets and took them to my car. My car is a VW UP! Just for reference size.
Before putting the charcoal into my car, I set the air filter to recycle, I closed all of the air conditioning vents, turned off the fans and turned off the AC.
I set the passenger seat as far back as it could go and put the charcoal on in the passenger seat footwell.
After this I got the rest of my drink and some paracetamol and got into my car. This is where I made my first and second mistake, which I will explain later.
I turned my car on so that I could have some low lighting (that came from the speedometers and the sat-nav) and I connected my phone via Bluetooth and started playing my CTB playlist. (Although neither of these parts are necessary).
At this point, I took 2 paracetamol (in a successful-ish attempt to prevent headaches), I carried on drinking vodka and I took one 50mg tablet of sertraline, because I thought why not (I think more sertraline would've seemed like the best idea for someone attempting suicide, but I'm very glad that I didn't, I'm almost certain it would've made the experience so much worse).
Anyways, from then, I just chilled and listened to music, and I have to say, it is one of the most calm moments I have ever experienced in my life. If this attempt had continued like this, I would've been successful
5)FAILURE
I managed to do what I said above for about 2-3 hours, when suddenly an immense state of panic overtook me. My ears were hissing and I couldn't sit still.
All of a sudden my chest hurt and (funnily enough) I felt like I couldn't breathe.
Then, I threw up on myself, not once, but twice. Not to be overly or unnecessarily gross, It was disgusting and stank and was slimy and uncomfortable (I am only saying this to suggest that you consider carefully what you eat as your final meal). I knew that this was a possibility, but "of course it won't happen to me".
At this point, not only was I almost completely out of it and not thinking rationally, but discomfort and fear overtook me and I called my girlfriend to tell her what had happened.
She drove down immediately to help me and got me out of the car (which I wanted by this point btw, so bear in mind how you may act when completely Intoxicated and… well, poisoned).
My girlfriend called an ambulance whilst I collapse to the floor, almost fainting and I wept and drooled for the first time since I was a young child.
An ambulance would've taken 3 hours (this part isn't a necessary detail, but I thought I'd throw it in to say FUCK THE WAITING TIMES (even though I am aware that nobody can really help it at the moment) and to take this into consideration when planning suicide…. YOU SHOULD ALWAYS PLAN FOR THE POSSIBILITY OF FAILURE).
So, I went into my house, got changed and then my girlfriends Mum and Sister had to wake up, come and get me and take me to the hospital.
6)HOSPITAL
this section isn't going to be a long one, don't worry. I just want to share my experience of this, incase anyone is interested. If you don't particularly care about my personal story, move on to the next section! :) (and I hope that doesn't sound as passive aggressive as I think it does)
When I got to the hospital I checked in, I had to announce out loud that I had attempted suicide in front of all the other patients waiting to be seen.
I then waited roughly 3 hours to be seen.
Whilst I waited, I sobered up and felt surprisingly not too bad.
If you ever find yourself in this situation, you may notice that your eyes will be bloodshot and your skin will turn red, but this goes away shortly, so don't worry, there shouldn't be any permanent damage.
When I was finally seen by A&E I was put on oxygen overnight for 2 ish hours, with bloods being taken 3 times.
*IMPORTANT NOTICE* if you end up in the hospital as a result of a failed carbon monoxide suicide attempt, be prepared for needles and lots of them. As much as they took my blood 3 times, they jabbed me many more.
This method makes your blood extremely difficult to take so be prepared for bruises and many needle holes on your arms and hands.
After the doctors were happy with my oxygen levels they kept me in to keep an eye on me for about half an hour (but mostly because the psychiatrist started that morning and it was almost that time).
The psychiatrist saw me and asked me questions, referred me to a mental health place in the local area and then I was off home.
(Just as an added bonus to this story, when I got home, I slept with my girlfriend by my side until my parents got back from a trip they were on, and needless to say they weren't too happy with me. They were both angry and upset (understandably?))
(ALSO, when I woke up, I was greeted with the need to call in sick to work, to which I was greeted with "you'll need a sick note if you call in sick any more"…. This was after me missing one day previously AND being made aware that I had spent THE NIGHT IN HOSPITAL)
7)BLOOD AND OXYGENATION
I am CERTAIN that this attempt would've been successful if I hadn't thrown up and panicked and gotten out of the car.
My reason for this is that when I was in the hospital, not only were the doctors EXTREMELY surprised when they did my first blood test (and they picked up my treatment rather quickly after they got the results), but I also saw drops of my blood on the floor from when they were taking my blood; It was almost Luminous red. And whilst deoxygenated blood is usually a dark red, this colour was DEFINITELY not normal.
"
A deep red, flushed skin color (cherry red) is the one telltale indicator of carbon monoxide poisoning. It comes from high levels of carboxyhemoglobin in the blood.
Unfortunately, it is often a postmortem examination that reveals such a bright red coloring. The level of carbon monoxide in the blood required to get the skin to that color is so high that it is nearly always fatal."- (Not the best source, but '
verywellhealth.com')
"The bright red color of the blood also makes the currently available oximeters unreliable. If there is a suspicion of CO poisoning, an arterial blood gas must be obtained along with COHb levels." -(Janis M. Miyasaki, in
Handbook of Clinical Neurology, 2011)
"
Carbon monoxide is not 'ejected' due to acid, therefore carbon monoxide poisoning disturbs this physiological process hence the venous blood of poisoning patients is bright red akin to arterial blood since the carbonyl/carbon monoxide is retained. Hemoglobin is dark in deoxygenated venous blood, but it has a bright red color when carrying blood in oxygenated arterial blood and when converted into carboxyhemoglobin in both arterial and venous blood, so poisoned cadavers and even commercial meats treated with carbon monoxide acquire an unnatural lively reddish hue."- (…. Yeah… this ones Wikipedia, but is cited as: Stryer L, Berg J, Tymoczko J, Gatto G (2019-03-12).
Biochemistry. Macmillan Learning.
ISBN 978-1-319-11467-1.).
Anyways, I don't wanna talk on and on about this blood stuff TOO much more, so, I'll continue.
8)MISTAKES AND CHANGES I WOULD MAKE.
So, now for the good part, which you've probably been waiting for (and it might just be a little underwhelming).
I said earlier that I made two mistakes when making my attempt.
1)The first mistake was NOT TAKING A SICK BUCKET INTO THE CAR WITH ME.
This mistake is only a minor one though.
2)The second mistake and probably the most helpful piece of advice I can give is to MAKE SURE YOU DON'T SIT IN WITH THE CHARCOAL WHILST THE CARBON MONOXIDE IS BUILDING.
There was a post I saw on this website not too long ago which talked about a theory. The theory said that you could possibly bypass the nausea and headache that comes with carbon monoxide poisoning if you wait a while before getting in with the carbon monoxide, but they also said that there is little evidence to suggest this.
Whilst I can't say that I've successfully done the version of this method in which you wait for the space to fill with carbon monoxide before getting in with it, I CAN say that I've been through the alternative, and I do not wish that on anyone.
I highly Highly highly recommend that if anyone were to CTB with this method that they wait outside for a while.
I blame almost entirely my stupidity in not waiting for my failure with this method.
9)FINALLY
Anyway, if you're still here and managed to read through this heavy heavy string of text, all I can say is thanks, and I hope you found it interesting or potentially helpful.
I'd like to finish this… essentially essay, by saying that if/ (really) when I decided that it is time to CTB, I WILL be using this method again.
I think that the method I used was perfect in all ways apart from not having a sick bucket and not waiting outside of my car (which may have seen kinda obvious to some people). Also, if possible, I may try to get anti sickness medication for next time if possible, but I'd like to think I'd be long passed out by the time vomit becomes a problem.
I would also like to finish by saying (without sounding imposing) that I don't see why anyone would EVER choose any other method than this one. Apologies if this is rude or overstepping boundaries.
I understand that many people advocate N, and I can see why they might, it seems rather peaceful, but in a way it seems very similar to the carbon monoxide method, but less accessible… I mean, as far as I can tell, I can't see a reason as to why charcoal shouldn't be easily accessible to everyone in every country.
The only thing I can see that is overly beneficial about N over Carbon monoxide is that some people don't have access to a space in which carbon monoxide can fill the area.
Honestly, I am not judging anyone for their choice of method… obviously. I mean, heck, at my worst times when I was much younger (when I wasn't educated on the carbon monoxide method) I considered jumping and cutting to CTB.
But I mean, other than the ease of access, I feel that the carbon monoxide method gives you a chance to do the things you really enjoy (if there even are any) whilst you drift off.
You can listen to music, or watch your favourite film. You can even eat whatever you want, unlike N where I'm pretty sure you have to not eat before it…. although, as I said earlier, think about the possibility of vomiting anyways. You can even take your time deciding what day you want to do it and not feel pressure to do something painful, or get rid of evidence. I mean having/ buying charcoal BBQ's and isn't exactly something that anyone is going to take a second glance at (unless you've tried this method once before….).
ANYWAY… finally, for reals, As I said before. Thank you for reading this long as heck post, and feel free to ask questions or interact with this in any way you deem fit!
I wish you all peace in both life (if that is even possible) and death.
