Discussion Permanently Suicidal, AMA

[alivefornow]

Feeling constantly suicidal.

Nothing makes it stop. It's the only thought I've had today and a constant throughout the last few months, only getting worse.

I feel something physically crushing my heart, which I know to be the weight of my past deeds and the consequences I have to endure. It's a pain in the left side of the chest which I have to carry through the day. I have lived with this for so long, I don't even know what feeling happy is anymore.

I have work, some money saved up. I had a loving gf whom I believe I could have married if I wanted to, but she left me due to me becoming a foul-mouthed, toxic repulsive monster when I couldn't hide my horrible self anymore. I could start over but I'm so damn near the exit way. I feel like life is wasted on me.

I'm afraid I'm incapable of CTB due to caring too much about the impact this would cause on certain people. So I just keep on suffering.

I'm on meds and therapy now. Never trusted either much, neither gave them an honest shot but I'm trying to do it right this time. Still I can't help but feel like happiness is just not for me.

I'm tired of waking up in anxious agony every single day and living with it until the moment I collapse asleep from imsomnia exhaustion. I'm over. Time to go. I've been researching methods but honestly I just want something fast and that won't destroy my body and face.

Ask me anything.

 

[unattainable piscie]

This might be too personal to ask, but do you ever think you could be driven to a point where the care you have for those people just cannot cancel out your pain or a want to CBT? And if you lost them one way or another how it would affect you? It's been on my mind quite a bit since I personally feel like I'm slowly loosing the people who have made me stay here (some i've driven away, some have passed), and it's getting to a point where I feel so guilty and selfish having thoughts that as much as I don't want to hurt them, I feel hopeless and like CBT is the only answer. It doesn't help the thought that they're slipping away, although I doubt to a point that if I ever did it wouldn't affect them. It'd hurt them tremendously and they'd probably blame themselves... (sorry for the small vent along with the question )

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really awful and tiring what you have to go through, it's understandable just wanting a method that is fast. Existing certainly can be torture, but anyway I wish you the best.

 

[glyph]

1. Do you have\had any hobbies (creative, proactive ones)?
2. Do you have a physical\workout routine?
3. Do you participate in your local community?
Sorry if this sounds too intrusive, I just would like to know if doing things mentioned above actually have some kind of effect on people's mental state.

 

[alivefornow]

This might be too personal to ask, but do you ever think you could be driven to a point where the care you have for those people just cannot cancel out your pain or a want to CBT? And if you lost them one way or another how it would affect you? It's been on my mind quite a bit since I personally feel like I'm slowly loosing the people who have made me stay here (some i've driven away, some have passed), and it's getting to a point where I feel so guilty and selfish having thoughts that as much as I don't want to hurt them, I feel hopeless and like CBT is the only answer. It doesn't help the thought that they're slipping away, although I doubt to a point that if I ever did it wouldn't affect them. It'd hurt them tremendously and they'd probably blame themselves... (sorry for the small vent along with the question )

The answer is yes, I'm afraid I will get to that point of pain surpassing the ability to care. And I do think about how losing these people would affect me. In fact, I catch myself fantasizing about the death of loved ones.

I don't even feel bad for thinking this. I believe my mind produces these thoughts in an attempt to create a hypothetical scenario in which suicide would be justifiable, which is meant to comfort me (it doesn't). I know it is horrible, I'm being honest about it.

I've lost so much but I can lose a lot more, and I know who I am. I am the one who always gives up and accomplishes nothing.

Do not apologize for venting, ain't it what this is all about?

That sounds really awful and tiring what you have to go through, it's understandable just wanting a method that is fast. Existing certainly can be torture, but anyway I wish you the best.

Thank you, I wish you only the best aswell.

1. Do you have\had any hobbies (creative, proactive ones)?
2. Do you have a physical\workout routine?
3. Do you participate in your local community?
Sorry if this sounds too intrusive, I just would like to know if doing things mentioned above actually have some kind of effect on people's mental state.

1. I've had some normal people hobbies, mainly playing music and videogames. Never cared much for creating, despite always fantasizing about being some kind of rockstar, famous artist, game designer. I just think about things, never really delving into anything for long enough, as the years go by.

2. I rarely work out. In January, as usual with new year resolutions, I decided go to back to the gym. I was excited and a bit obsessed with the possibility of drowning the anguish I'm feeling and becoming more attractive to score shallow sex. Even bought some supplements and got on a routine for 4 weeks, until I became alone when my family went on a vacation without me (my choice). Needless to say, I'm back on the couch feeling sorry for myself.

3. I work as a private tutor, so I'm dealing with students and parents on the regular. Everyone respects me and treats me well, I'm told nothing but compliments, and I've managed to help kids improve their grades drastically.

It's a shitty job, the pay is low but I enjoy it sometimes. In my mind, I'm doing this as a way to punish myself for failing school so many times, despite being smart (or so I'm told). So I work 15 hour shifts, saturdays and sundays, just to collect a few bucks more and get out of the house (this is intimately related to the reasons my ex left).

 

[Unending]

I understand what it's like trying to maintain love but not being able to manage your bad side. In past relationships, my mental illness has just taken over after a certain time period leading to things going downhill. It's definitely terrible.

Also, I'm putting off ctb as well to save loved ones the harm despite knowing that it's what I want. The trapped feeling isn't so great so I definitely empathize with you there. I feel guilty for it but I've tried to tell family that with the severity of my conditions, I have an expiration date and can only suffer for so long. It definitely hurts them so I'm trying to keep a hold how I can

I'm just trying to keep going but my main concern is that prohibition could get even tighter, leaving only the methods that you mentioned which are just not humane considering the violence that would be inflicted.

I hope you find relief and am sorry you're suffering.

1. Do you have\had any hobbies (creative, proactive ones)?
2. Do you have a physical\workout routine?
3. Do you participate in your local community?
Sorry if this sounds too intrusive, I just would like to know if doing things mentioned above actually have some kind of effect on people's mental state.

These things definitely seem to help people but I fear that most of us here have reached SaSu because these things didn't work or aren't possible for us. I can't speak for everybody but that is my take on the question.

 

[alivefornow]

I understand what it's like trying to maintain love but not being able to manage your bad side. In past relationships, my mental illness has just taken over after a certain time period leading to things going downhill. It's definitely terrible.

Also, I'm putting off ctb as well to save loved ones the harm despite knowing that it's what I want. The trapped feeling isn't so great so I definitely empathize with you there. I feel guilty for it but I've tried to tell family that with the severity of my conditions, I have an expiration date and can only suffer for so long. It definitely hurts them so I'm trying to keep a hold how I can

I'm just trying to keep going but my main concern is that prohibition could get even tighter, leaving only the methods that you mentioned which are just not humane considering the violence that would be inflicted.

I hope you find relief and am sorry you're suffering.

These things definitely seem to help people but I fear that most of us here have reached SaSu because these things didn't work or aren't possible for us. I can't speak for everybody but that is my take on the question.

You put it in adequate words, the feeling of being trapped in life, unable to end it but wishing it did. I fantasize about death all day long, be it by my hands or someone else's. I just want it to happen, wish I could just sign some paper and have a guy snipe my head when I'm not expecting it. Anyway, being alive is what I have to do for now.