Perhaps This Helps Anyone Avoid Flinching

[TiredHorse]

As of tonight, it will have been two weeks since my last attempt to ctb. I had tried three Mondays in a row, using eb/N2, which is about as straightforward and gentle a method as you're likely to find, and still flinched three times running. I was defeated by both survival instinct and the ludicrous and desperate need to believe that my life is not as it is. Things were so good for so long that they cannot have now gone so badly wrong --but of course they have, and so...

I know it's time to ctb. I just need to remember that.

I don't know if this will help anyone at all, but I realized last night something that may be the key for me: I have been so focussed on method, equipment, technique, logistical details, that when the moment came to catch the bus I couldn't focus on why I was catching the damned bus in the first place. I lost the big picture. So I'm now trying to remind myself that all my preparations are just means to an end. I need to be calm, all my thoughts focussed not on N2 flow rate and suicide notes and who will find me, but on the fact I have no future beyond an ever deepening misery.

I know my method works, when done properly. I have my supplies readied, all my notes written, and my preparations are well thought out and in place. I am as logistically and mechanically well prepared as anyone could be. So I need to stop thinking about those preparations, and focus my attention entirely on why I have made those preparations in the first place.

When I leave on a trip in my car, I do not think about the next oil change, or the state of the transmission, or the spark plug cables, or whether the hand brake will work when I next need it. I've already thought about those things. Instead, I focus on my destination, I turn the key, and I go.

To that end, I've been running drills with an empty exit bag as I sit in my chair: hyperventilating, pulling the bag down over my face, and inhaling deeply. I don't want to even think about it when the time comes. I've been closing my eyes and visualizing exactly what I'll do, step by step --a proven technique for improved performance in pretty much every endeavor. Most of all, I've been spending quiet time focussing on why I want to ctb; mentally running through the unvarnished details of how badly I've screwed everything up and how unlikely it is for anything to ever improve. For me it isn't a matter of getting pumped, but of becoming calm.

This new approach is feeling pretty good. I am steadier, more certain of my situation, more confident that ctb is my only option. I doubt I will try to ctb this week, but I'm hoping for next week sometime.

Anyway, despite my intent to take some time away from ss to catch my breath and prepare, I thought I'd post on my current thoughts in case they might help someone.

 

[kkatt]

Sounds like you're well prepared. Having a plastic bag over your head is more frightening than you'd think,I found. It got super hot.
Also,it may be a serene one but that survival instinct-just that-"instinctive"-is a total bitch.
Be certain there are no loose ends because that instinct will find any excuse to cause you to hesitate.
Happy travels,my friend!

 

[1234dave]

Well done.

It's like cbt for ctb

 

[Goldie]

That sounds like a great philosophy. I think it is that sort of courage that allows people to do the more 'extreme' methods like jumping in front of a train. When all is said and done who cares about the method? The goal it to *ctb* . Many of us - including myself - can forget that. We spend a lot of time concentrating on the method as an attempt at healing. I know that when I have been less depressed I have researched methods to try to feel better.

I have ordered my N but some nights I still think about doing partial anyway.

 

[Smilla]

Helpful post as this is my method too, but unlike you I am not logistically prepared in terms of getting my affairs in order.

In regards to the above comment about having a plastic bag over your head—yes it is hot if it's a bag sans gas (I know from experience years ago).

The n2 I've heard actually has a cooling feeling and prevents the overheated phenomenon common with just a plastic bag.

 

[Rocky M]

Helpful post as this is my method too, but unlike you I am not logistically prepared in terms of getting my affairs in order.

In regards to the above comment about having a plastic bag over your head—yes it is hot if it's a bag sans gas (I know from experience years ago).

The n2 I've heard actually has a cooling feeling and prevents the overheated phenomenon common with just a plastic bag.

Hey, it's been a while since I've seen you! just wanted to say hi, that's all

 

[Smilla]

Hey, it's been a while since I've seen you! just wanted to say hi, that's all

Thanks, Rocky! I'm still around getting my affairs in order. Missed you guys.

Thanks for the note

 

[TiredHorse]

Having a plastic bag over your head is more frightening than you'd think,I found. It got super hot.

I found that while it gets hot and fogs up while I'm running drills, the N2 carries away the worst of the heat and fog when I'm trying it for real. The flow of N2 also keeps the bag inflated and away from my face. I had run a couple drills before my first attempt, anticipating having trouble with the bag ovr my face, and that definitely helped.

I wish there was a way to quiet down the rush of gas into the bag. I have extremely keen hearing, and the hiss is quite unsettling.

 

[kkatt]

I found that while it gets hot and fogs up while I'm running drills, the N2 carries away the worst of the heat and fog when I'm trying it for real. The flow of N2 also keeps the bag inflated and away from my face. I had run a couple drills before my first attempt, anticipating having trouble with the bag ovr my face, and that definitely helped.

I wish there was a way to quiet down the rush of gas into the bag. I have extremely keen hearing, and the hiss is quite unsettling.

Earplugs?

 

[BurningLights]

Very well said my friend, you nailed it on the head there, I lost focus, for a short time I had a purpose, I saw a quote on here, I forget who posted it but it was, 'the purpose of life, is a life with purpose'
Like you say, you get caught up in all the details that when it comes to the final act, we haven't actually been thinking that want to ctb, we've been thinking how to ctb.
As you say again, that distracts, us.
I feel like you wrote this ony behalf, it's exactly I feel, soany people have been able to put into words how I feel, how slot of us feel. To have it clearly written, is..comforting, knowing that actually, we just need to collect ourselves.
I will be taltaltang this advice very strongly, like you, I need to slow down, not get pumped up. Once again tiredhorse you have lept out the bushes, and guided the way along this dark path.

 

[TiredHorse]

Earplugs?

Maybe, but I hate earplugs in much the same way I hate blindfolds.

I'm a bit embarassed that I didn't think of it, though. I may try it.

Once again tiredhorse you have lept out the bushes, and guided the way along this dark path.

I think we've seen a fair bit of the same wretched path, BurningLights. I hope my thoughts and words help.

 

[Nem]

Sorry to hear you came close but no cigar. Is the n2 method difficult with everything involved? You'd think you would need a fairly large bottle of nitrogen and regulators/etc. And then the bag itself, Is it just a regular plastic bag?
Peace!

 

[TiredHorse]

The eb/N2 method is not difficult, but it's as permissive of flinching as any other non-instantaneous method.

I'm not sure where you are in the world, but in the US, your equipment list is:

A 20cf or larger cylinder of inert gas (nitrogen or argon are the easiest/cheapest). 20cf is not a very large tank at all. I have a 40cf (N2), as that has allowed me to experiment/flinch and not need the tank refilled. I purchased mine at AirGas, but any welding supply company will carry it.

A regulator with a flowmeter that allows a flow of at least 15Lpm. Some welding regulators do not allow this high a flow, so check this detail. Harbor Freight Tools sells a cheap CO2/Ar regulator that will do the job and comes with a hose barb for a simple tube leading to the eb.

A length of tubing to reach from the regulator to your head. I used about 6' of off-the-shelf clear vinyl tubing from Home Depot.

An exit bag, constructed to the design commonly seen on YouTube, etc. A turkey roasting bag is recommended, and can be found in the plastic bags, cling-wap, etc. section of the supermarket. Elastic for the drawcord and a cord-lock can be purchased at any sewing supply or craft store (JoAnn's, etc.). Micropore tape, for the construction, can be found at any drugstore (RiteAid, etc.).

There is a lot of info and discussion of the particulars of this method elsewhere on this site.

 

[Xerxes]

I have an israeli gas mask i used during my industrial/goth days. Still in good use and has a side port for oxygen tubes. I thought about jerry-rigging a tube with argon gas tank and then dance until i collapse.

 

[realjunes]

As of tonight, it will have been two weeks since my last attempt to ctb. I had tried three Mondays in a row, using eb/N2, which is about as straightforward and gentle a method as you're likely to find, and still flinched three times running. I was defeated by both survival instinct and the ludicrous and desperate need to believe that my life is not as it is. Things were so good for so long that they cannot have now gone so badly wrong --but of course they have, and so...

I know it's time to ctb. I just need to remember that.

I don't know if this will help anyone at all, but I realized last night something that may be the key for me: I have been so focussed on method, equipment, technique, logistical details, that when the moment came to catch the bus I couldn't focus on why I was catching the damned bus in the first place. I lost the big picture. So I'm now trying to remind myself that all my preparations are just means to an end. I need to be calm, all my thoughts focussed not on N2 flow rate and suicide notes and who will find me, but on the fact I have no future beyond an ever deepening misery.

I know my method works, when done properly. I have my supplies readied, all my notes written, and my preparations are well thought out and in place. I am as logistically and mechanically well prepared as anyone could be. So I need to stop thinking about those preparations, and focus my attention entirely on why I have made those preparations in the first place.

When I leave on a trip in my car, I do not think about the next oil change, or the state of the transmission, or the spark plug cables, or whether the hand brake will work when I next need it. I've already thought about those things. Instead, I focus on my destination, I turn the key, and I go.

To that end, I've been running drills with an empty exit bag as I sit in my chair: hyperventilating, pulling the bag down over my face, and inhaling deeply. I don't want to even think about it when the time comes. I've been closing my eyes and visualizing exactly what I'll do, step by step --a proven technique for improved performance in pretty much every endeavor. Most of all, I've been spending quiet time focussing on why I want to ctb; mentally running through the unvarnished details of how badly I've screwed everything up and how unlikely it is for anything to ever improve. For me it isn't a matter of getting pumped, but of becoming calm.

This new approach is feeling pretty good. I am steadier, more certain of my situation, more confident that ctb is my only option. I doubt I will try to ctb this week, but I'm hoping for next week sometime.

Anyway, despite my intent to take some time away from ss to catch my breath and prepare, I thought I'd post on my current thoughts in case they might help someone.

TiredHorse - If discussing the mental/emotional challenge of focusing on CTB can be logical under our circumstances,
you just did so logically. If discussing the need to focus on WHY one will CTB can be beautiful, you just did so beautifully. Thank you.