Perhaps I can go on

[fancifulfate]

Was very sure that I would CTB as soon as possible. I have an upcoming court date where I'm facing domestic battery charge for defending myself against my ex bf who has emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually abused me for years. I could have called the cops on him so many times and I have photos of the bruises and terrible marks he's left on me (0 money for a trial though lol). The one time I almost called the cops he choked me and pulled my hair and stole my phone from me and made me promise I never would. I promised and kept my promise. For reference I'm under average height for women and he's nearly 6 foot, has over 60 lbs on me weight wise, I'm underweight for my height. This is also my very first criminal charge of anything and I'm like 30. I'm disabled and can't work and have never even known how to drive. He even lied to the police and told them I have access to weapons which I certainly do not.

Do I still love him? Unfortunately, yes. At least I love who I always thought he was. I'm a hopeless romantic and I know he could make me think he's the person I love again if he wanted to - I could even delude myself if he was nice enough to me even if he didn't apologize, probably. He has a chokehold over my fucking heart and soul. Whoever I thought he was does. I know this makes me vulnerable.

For some reason as I approach my arraignment court date I'm feeling more confident that my life will be okay without him in it. Being away from him has given me some clarity. He has agreed to give me my cats. This was something that truly made me resolute in my decision to CTB, he had told me he wouldn't give me my pets or that if he did he would never help me if they needed help. He has also agreed to help me financially in regards to the pets. I don't like living with my parents and while they are abusive, they are not so calculated and cruel as my ex is. They would and never have driven me to multiple attempts at CTB - my ex drove me to multiple due to the severe emotional and verbal abuse and occasional sexual/physical abuse I'd experience. I think I'm safer here overall. I'm starting to be more comfortable and I'm actually sleeping and eating food again.

I just hope I have the emotional resolve to stay away from my ex if he ever wants me back. I don't think he is good for me and nobody in my family and none of my friends (of whom I don't have many but the few I have are absolutely wonderful, best friends you could ask for, even if we are separated by a few hours distance) think he is good for me. Many of my friends and my mom were worried he would end up killing me directly or indirectly. He almost did on two separate occasions by purposefully and calculatedly triggering suicide attempts.

I'm getting my cats back in a just over a week. My court date is the day after that. I think I can do this. I don't think the judge will throw the book at me, I'm small and clean looking, no tattoos no piercings, with no criminal history. I think the worst that will happen is a pre trial intervention where I have to take a class. Which will be once a week in person for 6 months and it will suck and cost money and be triggering since it is intended for domestic abusers. But I can get through this. I want to get through this alive. I had never been suicidal or attempted before having gotten involved with this ex bf. He has used me as his narcissistic supply for 5 years and gaslit me every step of the way. I am coming out of the fog. I don't know for sure I'll never want to CTB in the future since I am disabled and worry I have no romantic prospects, but I'm loving and cute and funny and smart. I think I can do this guys. This life thing. Maybe.

 

[moshimoshi]

It's very disgusting and horrifying the abuse you have went through, it makes my stomach turn. I hope court goes well for you, if I'm being honest he deserves to be locked up for a very long time. No human should be treated the way you have. I can relate to loving someone even after them doing awful things to you, love is a very strange and sometimes powerful thing. I'm so happy you'll be able to get your cats back!!! I hope they'll be able to keep you hanging on and provide some comfort and support when humans around you don't. Even though you're still not in the best environment with your parents I'm glad you're out of that abusive narcissistic's grasp, it sounds like it was a life threatening and extremely stressful situation. I think it's good you recognize those things you like about yourself <3 <3 <3 I'm beyond proud of you, for trying to hold on despite everything, and seeing the hope that you may be able to keep going. I'll be rooting for you and keeping you in my thoughts (•̀ᴗ•́)و

 

[Yoyo_honeybee]

Gosh this is horrible. I'm so proud that you've recognised how horrible he is and are content seeing a life without him. My father was abusive to my mother and us so I completely understand the struggles you're facing and the unfounded hope that they will change even after everything they've put you through. Let me tell you it's been over 22 years for my parents, he'd only gotten worse, it started with him apologising after attacking her for the first years, then the apologies stopped and it became her fault completely. The frequency increased and it turned to the kids too, these people never get better but they know exactly how kind and loving their victims are and how to manipulate them to stay. After some time my mum stopped falling for it and wanted to leave but it was too late then, he has calculated how to trap her in the marriage, slowly taking away her finances, contact with her family and friends, everything else except himself so even when she wanted to leave she physically couldn't. And now she's broken and we (her children) all are too. She still talks about "if only she left 20 years ago when it all started", things would've been so much easier then. Sometimes I hate that she stayed with him but I know it's not all on her.
You deserve better, you deserve better than false promises. No one hurts the people they love, emotionally let alone physically. And anyone who hurts people will always hurt people, they won't change no matter how much they convince you they will.
If you're still able to incriminate him that would be the best option, but if not please don't go back to him. For the sake of yourself, and if you want kids - for the sake of your future kids too. It's not worth it, this will never end. You deserve so much more, you deserve to be held softly and feel secure that this person would give up their life for your but they would NEVER make you feel unsafe. You should feel that this person understands you and all your intricacies, they know you inside out and do everything they can to fit around you like a puzzle, they don't even use their knowledge of you against you. A good partner is not someone you feel butterflies all the time with, but someone you feel safe and comfortable with. Someone who you can go home to after a long chaotic day and fall asleep in peace knowing that they are your safe place. Someone who breaks themselves down for you even though you don't want them to, but would never expect you to break yourself and would never break you.
Someone who hurts you despite the struggles you already have? Someone who preys on your weaknesses? That's not love at all, he's not who you think he was, he was always this horrible monster but hid it from you so you would trust him.

 

[fancifulfate]

I don't know if I can actually make it because he's saying he wants to keep some of the cats and won't let me have them all. I just feel so worthless. Actually not even looking forward to the future anymore and I hate how easily broken I am but I just get the message that I don't belong here anymore from the universe

 

[fancifulfate]

I'm not doing great at the moment but I think I can go in with just the cats he's willing to give me..: I don't want him to break me like this again. Maybe it will be better in the long run to have less even though it feels like he's taking children away from me.

I'd never want to do anything to get him in trouble. Like I know that's probably so stupid considering he's almost killed me and led me to self harm and abused me in every way imaginable. I wish he had just cheated on me of something, fuck, maybe he has been and I don't even get to know that so he seems like such a good guy. I don't think he has but I also believe all his lies anyway. I just feel so confused. I think the reason he specified I could contact him via text and phone is specifically to fuck with my emotions and drive me to self harm, the way he's acting is so cold. None of my friends or family can deal with the callous cruelty in his texts to me.

I just wish he'd stop hurting me on purpose. I know he knows what he's doing. I both don't understand and am in shock, but the other half of me is like "this is typical and should be expected" and it's just so confusing and horrible.

The good news is I'm getting some of my cats, I'm gonna be fine I just really really shouldn't drink alcohol for my physical health probably ever again which is somewhat bad news cause sometimes a drink is nice… but I already was aware drinking was especially bad for me in particular so this isn't a particularly shocking revelation. I'm in pain right now (physical and mental) but I'm strong… I'm not gonna try to CTB I'm gonna try to keep going

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

I

Was very sure that I would CTB as soon as possible. I have an upcoming court date where I'm facing domestic battery charge for defending myself against my ex bf who has emotionally, verbally, physically and sexually abused me for years. I could have called the cops on him so many times and I have photos of the bruises and terrible marks he's left on me (0 money for a trial though lol). The one time I almost called the cops he choked me and pulled my hair and stole my phone from me and made me promise I never would. I promised and kept my promise. For reference I'm under average height for women and he's nearly 6 foot, has over 60 lbs on me weight wise, I'm underweight for my height. This is also my very first criminal charge of anything and I'm like 30. I'm disabled and can't work and have never even known how to drive. He even lied to the police and told them I have access to weapons which I certainly do not.

Do I still love him? Unfortunately, yes. At least I love who I always thought he was. I'm a hopeless romantic and I know he could make me think he's the person I love again if he wanted to - I could even delude myself if he was nice enough to me even if he didn't apologize, probably. He has a chokehold over my fucking heart and soul. Whoever I thought he was does. I know this makes me vulnerable.

For some reason as I approach my arraignment court date I'm feeling more confident that my life will be okay without him in it. Being away from him has given me some clarity. He has agreed to give me my cats. This was something that truly made me resolute in my decision to CTB, he had told me he wouldn't give me my pets or that if he did he would never help me if they needed help. He has also agreed to help me financially in regards to the pets. I don't like living with my parents and while they are abusive, they are not so calculated and cruel as my ex is. They would and never have driven me to multiple attempts at CTB - my ex drove me to multiple due to the severe emotional and verbal abuse and occasional sexual/physical abuse I'd experience. I think I'm safer here overall. I'm starting to be more comfortable and I'm actually sleeping and eating food again.

I just hope I have the emotional resolve to stay away from my ex if he ever wants me back. I don't think he is good for me and nobody in my family and none of my friends (of whom I don't have many but the few I have are absolutely wonderful, best friends you could ask for, even if we are separated by a few hours distance) think he is good for me. Many of my friends and my mom were worried he would end up killing me directly or indirectly. He almost did on two separate occasions by purposefully and calculatedly triggering suicide attempts.

I'm getting my cats back in a just over a week. My court date is the day after that. I think I can do this. I don't think the judge will throw the book at me, I'm small and clean looking, no tattoos no piercings, with no criminal history. I think the worst that will happen is a pre trial intervention where I have to take a class. Which will be once a week in person for 6 months and it will suck and cost money and be triggering since it is intended for domestic abusers. But I can get through this. I want to get through this alive. I had never been suicidal or attempted before having gotten involved with this ex bf. He has used me as his narcissistic supply for 5 years and gaslit me every step of the way. I am coming out of the fog. I don't know for sure I'll never want to CTB in the future since I am disabled and worry I have no romantic prospects, but I'm loving and cute and funny and smart. I think I can do this guys. This life thing. Maybe.

I would write the judge an essay on how you plan to get your life together. Include that you will got to therapy or group therapy. Will do however many hours of community service. Will pay a fine by a certain date and ask to have it expunged as you'd like to correct your life. I would call the police if he won't give you your cats. Have you gotten in touch with a public defender? Good luck. I like your post title btw.

 

[Didn't do NUFFIN]

I would stay away from him once you get the cats, block him and never speak to him again, get a restraining order if you have to, if you speak to him, even just to insult him you give him a chance to get in your head and manipulate you into thinking he was in the right. Perhaps get a weapon if you don't feel like he will willingly leave you alone. You can get through this, and I'm sure one day you will find someone who see's how beautiful you truly are and will make you feel safe and cherished, you can do this.

 

[fancifulfate]

The state completely dropped my charges and yet I still want to CTB. I can't stand where I'm living and can't stand my loneliness. The cats are here but don't seem to be adjusting well, they would be better off with me ex. Everything would be better without me here to fuck things up.

I am at least very glad I won't have to deal with court, I didn't even have to go since my charges were totally dropped. But my ex still wants nothing to do with me and I am so fucking lonely! I hate being disabled. I hate where I live. I hate that I cannot drive. I hate that the men on dating apps are gross. I hate being alive. I hate being stupid and delusional and pining for my abusive ex. I feel I ruined my life. I still love him so much.

 

[pollux]

I can't say I know what you're going through; sorry for that. But if you allow me to say something that might help, you shouldn't be afraid of him leaving you. You still have your family and friends right? Even if you might have issues with your family, he's not the only person in your life. And hey, you managed to get your cats back right?

From your posts you seem to be smart person; you don't need to keep beating yourself over the feelings you still have for him. I think you should try to focus on other aspects of your life, even if that might be hard right now.

And again, sorry if I came across as insensitive in some way.