People write your whole life story from the beginning of your life to now.....just doing this for fun

[MiMif]

Ok ima start.

So I honestly don't remember much of my childhood but I'll start from my elementary school days. I was a really shy kid...I had no friends the first year of elemtary school, my teacher suspected I had special needs and once she got on my nerves so I'm order to get back at her during a test I purposely chose all the wrong answers. I soon got friends the second year but it ended and my friend told me to kill myself cause she was upset with me. Than I had no friends at all until the last year of elementary school.

I was raised in a Christian household and always took my Christianity seriously...I used to think God was watching me but turns out I just had anxiety...I was scared to change clothes or take a bath cause I felt someone was always watching me. I got friends again in 6th grade when a talkative boy was placed next to me and he broke me out of my shell. I also ended up being placed in the gifted program. I also remember asking my parents if suicide was a sin and my father yelled at me saying it was. I asked the question out of curiosity and asked under different circumstances if it was a sin...I got in trouble. I also remember that when my mothers parents died I ended up asking out of curiosity why she was crying...I said they were done with their suffering and didn't feel pain anymore...I said my mother was crying because she felt sorry for herself for them nit being with her anymore. I said that to my sister and my sister called me wierd.


My sister had a pet that died and I also had a pet. When my sisters pet died she was crying and she stomped her foot and cried. My pet ended up dying as well and I found myself copying her. I mimicked her because I didn't know what the right thing to do was and I stomped my foot and fake cried. It also happened when my grandma died I didn't know how to react so I copied my siblings who were crying. I however didn't feel sad I didn't feel anything.

When I was in elementary I greatly overestimated myself as well I thought I was a genius and I was beautiful and I often outran the other boys in my school and beat my whole class in physical activities often so I thought I was awesome.

Okay middle school um...I was a really awkward kid...I wasn't as shy but was still a little shy. I had 0 friends. My grades were still good and I still had full confidence I was a genius...I wished I had friends though and felt awkward when the teacher told us to get in groups cause I had 0 friends. I soon got friends but honestly they were the fake kind of friends we were only surface level and it was a Hassel talking to them. I also thought that people who claimed to have depression were faking it and depression didn't exist. Mt friends mom was very sick and she constantly came to me to cry to I fake comforted her but I was honestly disgusted that she showed her feelings so outwardly because it was something I couldn't do. Whenever I cried as a kid my father told me they were crocodile tears and I got yelled at and told "I'll give you a reason to cry" so I didn't quite understand how my friend could show her emotions like that. But I kept that to myself and comforted her anyways.


Okay highschool...I joined my highschools track team...that was where all my confidence came crashing down. The boys who I always outrank as a child were hundreds of yards ahead of me and I couldn't catch up...I was in shock and I didn't want to admit I was weaker so I kept trying ofcourse to no avail. One of my friends told me that's just how it worked boys were better than girls and it stood to me.
My grades started to plummet in highschool and I felt like a moron. I felt ugly, stupid, and weak. However I made friends. Not the fake kind the real kind. I enjoyed hanging out with them and felt I could be m7self with them. They were my bestfriends...however I soon realized I wasn't their bestfriend and I was very replaceable...it was a hard realization for me and I cried...never infront of people but at night when I was alone. I felt lonely and miserable. I also overheard my father telling my mother he hated me and my father would always be upset at me for no reason. My first year of highschool was when I started cutting myself. However even though I made 1 lazy attempt at suicide I wasn't fully suicidal.

My parents found out I cut myself and blamed it on the devil controlling me or something and forced me to read the bible...I honestly stopped caring about God and the Bible I didn't care what God thought of me anymore.

I became really suicidal my second year of highschool. I came to terms with reality....that I was very replaceable to everyone around me and I was no one's favorite person. So I blended in and even though I hated it I stayed with the friends who hurt me. They always came to me with all their problems and even though I faked it I comforted them however when I said I was depressed they told me I was faking it and I shut up.

On my sixteenth birthday my pet died and I had to take finals which I failed....it was a shitty birthday...I told my friends and they laughed at me. It felt shitty hut I accepted reality. I was very suicidal at this point and cut myself constantly. I never felt attracted to anyone but often faked having crushes on boys and I never expected much from anyone.
I also was very obsessed with anime starting from middle school but growing in highschool. Anime, kpop, and bl (don't judge me)



Now I'm in college and a walking zombie who thinks of suicide 24/7 however I still put on a masks and fake caring infront of others.


To sum it up

What a useless existence.


Okay this was very long but it actually is really helpful to look back on your life. To be honest my memories very blurry as I forgot allt of things from my childhood but this is what I remember. Someone else go

 

[kaitekat23]

Um, well. I am not sure how to summerize my life or how I may be able to do so but here it goes.

My whole life story begins with 2 people. 2 drug addicts. Here recently I had the nerve to ask my parent if they had done drugs whlist being pregnant with me. They blantently said "yes, it's something I am not proud of" and I filled with rage, but still keeping a poker face like everything was kosher. I walked away, sat down and cried. This might not being the beginning of my life but it's a question that contributed to the beginning of my life.

I was born in the spring, late at night. I was born healthy. (won't go into health issues)
as years passed depsite having hearing problems and multiple surgeries to correct it, I got older. I suffered from respitory issues. I was always in and out of the hospital. From what I can remember the beginning of my life was okay. Once I got older, where I could actually remember things; that's when things took a turn.

I was still around kindergarten - school age when the domestic violence I witnessed began, or again from when I began retaining memories. I witnessed my parents fighting and screaming at each other. Then it would escalate to physical abuse. I can't remember when the physical abuse began on myself and my siblings, but mental and emotional abuse had already began before I could even remember. That was the usual.

So when the physical abuse began with my siblings and I, so did the neglect. the worse they got into their addictions, the more they relayed on my grandparents or my older sibling to care for us. We sometimes went hungry, sometimes we went without clean or proper fitting clothes, sometimes it was both. We had and still have lice because we were never taught how to get rid of it. Physical and Emotional neglect happened. Sometimes their love only came after being beat, whlist we were crying and screaming. The emotional guilt soon followed. Whenever we were in trouble before getting beat, then the beating, would come their love and their to guilt us into apologising. This happened majoity of all of our childhoods.

CPS was involved. We were always taught to lie. If they asked if they hit us, we say no. If they asked if we had proper baths, meals, clean clothes and well-fitting clothing, we say yes. Our house was always mice infested, dirty and fulled people drug addicts coming and going; but whenever a CPS case was opened, mriaclously the house was clean, we were fed, cleaned and got new clothes. They get clean long enough for them to close the case. This one time, CPS came to the school instead of the house, and I squaeled like a stuck pig. Despite prior CPS cases regarding our family and depsite my testimony and siblings. The case was closed once again.

In the midst of everything happening at home, plus the consquences of it. School was mcuh worse for me. I couldn't find solace at home or at school. I was bullied for being chubby, for being stinky clothes and worned out shoes; not to mention the rumors of headlice. This happened at every school I've ever been too, and trust me; it is quite a few of them. I could never get a proper education especially with me being developmentally delayed, and never staying up to date with what they were teaching I feel behind. I've been to 12 schools in the 11 grades I've attended. I dropped out in 10th grade, because home life was unbearable, and school was killing me. So I quit.

I began cutting when I was 12. I don't know how or why I began doing it. I might've discovered it somewhere but it escapes me at the moment. Fortunately I got clean from it. I have had a few relapses since then but for the most part, I was clean for the better quarter of it. I relasped this past April, and it got bad. I went ing for a mental health check at my local ER, depsite how I felt; they released me. I have managed to stay clean but the urges are there.

Now onto the obvious, Suicidal Ideation and Suicidal Thoughts. Those began when I relasped the first time in self harm. I had a horribly "thought out plan" that involved expired mediation, a razor, matches and some cigerettes. I thought I'd take the pills, smoke the cigerettes and cut the hell out of my arms. Which I never ended up doing because my sibling had found and I lied and said it wasn't mine, which I am sure they didn't believe me. SO with that, of course I was too scared to actually go through with it now. So I got clean AGAIN, and stayed clean for 5 years until I relasped in April of 2023. I got clean again from self harm but the suicidal thoughts are still here and winning. I didn't have them for a while and organized planned to do it on New Years, but the suicidal thoughts stopped and now They are back and it's too soon to do it as New Years is 2 weeks away. I don't know I may still do it that day, but I am unsure.