People will think I ctb because of covid

[amarillo]

It's quite a well known fact that many young people are suffering pretty badly mentally because of the pandemic. I see it all around me, in my friends and in fellow students. I tend to complain with them when they talk about it (which is all the time), but I'm actually not affected much by it. In fact, my social life has never been better.

Mid-pandemic I moved out of my mum's place and moved to a different city, where I now live with two friends. I have another friend living in town, and I made some new friends when I started my Master's degree last September.

But I'm still suicidal. A year ago my days were empty, I had no reason to get out of bed in the morning and I felt completely useless. But now that I'm surrounded by healthy, motivated and productive people I'm more aware than ever of how unfit I am for this society. I will never be able to function like a normal person, and I'm too tired to even try.

I'm not sure if I'll kill myself anytime soon, but if I do, everyone will probably think I did it because of covid. I don't know why I even care, it's not like I'll be here to witness people's reactions. For some reason I just want them to know that life is shit well beyond the pandemic.

Have your suicidal tendencies been affected by covid? What do you think people will assume is your reason for ending your life?

 

[WornOutLife]

What about writing some notes so that they know you're real reasons for leaving this world?

 

[amarillo]

What about writing some notes so that they know you're real reasons for leaving this world?

I will defo write some notes to the people close to me, and they will (hopefully) understand my reasons. But to the other people I will just be one of the many who succumbed to the pandemic.

Oh well, like I said, I don't know why I even care. I guess that somewhere I would just like not to be seen as a mere statistic but instead to make people think about the more complex things that led me and lead other people to suicide.

 

[clueless2dayor2morro]

i feel you. i am not sure if i'll ctb anytime soon, hopefully after the pandemic ends (which is soon i hope).

but--even though it's been working in my favor somehow?--trying to explain my mental state to my professors and therapists usually is followed up with something about the pandemic. many times they point to the cause or assume that my recent agoraphobia/reclusive tendencies/social anxiety and depression are stemming from the pandemic and that they'll all be better after this shit show ends. on one hand, professors haven't been so hard with me and have actually been pretty lenient and sometimes helpful with my assignments.

but like, whenever i see a new therapist they always talk about the pandemic and how it's affecting people's mental health. and i have a hard time redirecting their attention to this being a lifelong problem being addressed recently--not because of the pandemic. i was barely functioning mentally, socially and emotionally before COVID-19 lockdowns really hit.

really, the pandemic has been making things better for my mental state because of the zoom meetings and not having to interact with people face to face, in person.

i really am afraid to return to a COVID cured world again. and it'll happen sooner than later.

 

[Whole-Ad]

I've had suicidal ideation for many years now. I fucked around in school and didn't get the grades I was expected to achieve and everyone thought it was such a shame. But I did that because I knew I was going to kill myself some day anyways, it just didn't matter to me. I've been working in dead end jobs such as restaurants and the days all merge into one, I'm surprised I'm still here actually.

You see, this is where I'm a little confused. I'm not sure whether lockdown added fuel to the fire, or whether my suicidal ideation was always going to get to this point regardless. I attempted suicide for the first time at the end of February 2021. I don't regret the attempt at all, I only am glad to be here right now because I never planned to leave any notes or explanations. I saw how much it hurt my family, especially my mother, and to think that I almost didn't have the chance to just tell her why, or explain that it's not her fault and nothing she does can change my mind.

Lockdown was amazing at first, I had so much time to spend with my family. It was nice to wake up with everyone still at home and not out at work. Simple things like just going food shopping with my mother, or on a little drive around our local area together felt good. Once my workplace opened back up as 'essential' things started to decline a lot. I'd go to work, come home, sit in the house, sleep, wake up, go back to work and repeat. To be honest it's not that different to my life outside of lockdown, but I think just the fact that there was no choice was what made it unbearable.

I still think I would've gotten this bad anyways. After all suicide is like the ultimate burnout right? You're just tired of being here to the point where nothing is worth it anymore. Or at least that's how it feels for me.

 

[amarillo]

i feel you. i am not sure if i'll ctb anytime soon, hopefully after the pandemic ends (which is soon i hope).

but--even though it's been working in my favor somehow?--trying to explain my mental state to my professors and therapists usually is followed up with something about the pandemic. many times they point to the cause or assume that my recent agoraphobia/reclusive tendencies/social anxiety and depression are stemming from the pandemic and that they'll all be better after this shit show ends. on one hand, professors haven't been so hard with me and have actually been pretty lenient and sometimes helpful with my assignments.

but like, whenever i see a new therapist they always talk about the pandemic and how it's affecting people's mental health. and i have a hard time redirecting their attention to this being a lifelong problem being addressed recently--not because of the pandemic. i was barely functioning mentally, socially and emotionally before COVID-19 lockdowns really hit.

really, the pandemic has been making things better for my mental state because of the zoom meetings and not having to interact with people face to face, in person.

i really am afraid to return to a COVID cured world again. and it'll happen sooner than later.

I relate a lot to this. Even though I haven't tried to get help a lot since the pandemic hit, I feel even less motivated to do so because of the reasons you mentioned.

On one hand, it's a good thing mental health has come to play a bigger role in the public discussion (and I sure hope it'll stick after the pandemic is under control), but it's a shame it takes away from very serious issues not (directly) related to covid.

I'm glad the whole situation has brought you at least some positives, but I also hope people will listen to you without asssuming everything is about covid all the time. Best of luck!

 

[scorpiozier]

covid made everything feel so insanely bleak and trying to return to normalcy like the last year never happened is totally absurd, i wanted to die before the pandemic and i sure as hell want to die now

 

[littleloup]

I think my situation became much worse once things started slowly re-opening after COVID. It was a nice feeling to live and be a hermit during the peak days of Covid because it seemed like the entire world was paused. As if it was finally at a pace that I can live with and breathe in. But with the reopening came the endless fears, the obnoxious intrusive thoughts, and the crippling anxiety.