I'm hoping I can make it to sometime in early September but it could come as soon as this week potentially. To make matters more difficult, this is not what I really want deep down and I cannot lie, I am angry and bitter as hell about all of this. I had fantasized about suicide for so long because 1.) I'm a nihilist and have been so for a long time and 2.) circumstances out of my control had made me question whether it was really worth it after all. I reached a point a few years back where I found my way and life was looking up for once but it would all come crashing down. Of course, I was only set up for crushing disappointment like so many times before. For once I actually had a taste of life and I began seeing it as a blessing rather than a curse for once but by that point it was already too late for me. I've always thought that there was a high chance that I'd go out by suicide but I was expecting in my 40's or 50's, not in my late 20's. I also was expecting to have done at least something, anything, subjectively meaningful with my life before then but unfortunately, that's not how it would turn out after all.
I can't even describe what the past 3 years have been like for me but inner hell and now it's finally coming to an end. I am unprepared materially and to a lesser extant mentally and that has only added even more stress to having already been up to my neck in it! I just want this horrid nightmare to finally end but I have a real hard time letting go. I'm so furious being trapped like this and how rotten the world is. I'm hoping that it will at least truly be the end of it all and I can resume non-existence forever as if I had never had it to begin with but I may be denied even that mercy. It just sounds so crazy to me now that we are brought into existence for such an infinitesimally small amount of time and taken out of it permanently. I never gave it much thought how insane existence is until I became suicidal and starting reading up on physics and philosophy.
In short, I'm coping on one hand and not coping at all on the other. It helps that I understand that everything in this universe was determined since the very beginning but in a way, that makes it worse, just knowing that I was born to be ruthlessly tormented and then killed. What was the point?! Of course, there was none to begin with. What makes it harder to cope is how betrayed I had been by people who are supposed to care for you, so much wasted potential that I didn't see until it was already too late, so many things that I had been wanting to do but would never get to do them... I've been feeling like my hypothetical soul has been getting murdered mercilessly on the inside and it's taking a long time to die.
Before anyone asks, this has to be done and I 100% cannot be talked out of it. Just because I am sure on suicide doesn't mean that I'm happy about it.
