I'm so exhausted. Mentally, "spiritually", physically.
About 6 months ago, our home was raided by police and they were charged. My world ended. They were my best friend and I trusted them completely.
I immediately made plans to CTB. Dressed up to look "normal" and went and got a will made, made a list of things to finish repairing in the house, cancelled all subscriptions, created a document for passwords, chose how I'd be cremated, etc. Printed up info on how to be the executor of an estate. Itemized the value of things in the house for auction. Shredded all paperwork related to me for privacy. Basically everything short of being my own estate executor as I knew my partner and even the people I'd named as executors would be overwhelmed.
Our entire street found out about the charges and began a campaign of terror, breaking windows, graffiti, egging the house, threatening harm & arson, doxxing us on social media where more death threats were made. I'm not involved in the situation but they don't care. By the time they started damaging the house, I felt intense guilt because leaving this situation to someone else to clean up is a shitty thing to do.
To make a long story short, Iots of other shit happened but I've managed to empty the house, find a realtor, and I'm sitting around in an empty house waiting for insurance to finish repairs so it can be listed for sale. The friends who have helped me to do this are all tired of me continuing to be sad and telling me I should look forward to a new start, etc.
I know I should be grateful for their help. But aside from feeling relieved that I'd be leaving less of a burden behind now, I don't feel any better than I did on day 1. I feel miserable. All I want to do is go back to my old life. But it's gone. It's never coming back. Many of them say I should "find my purpose" or "find a new dream" and I want to scream in their face, I HAD A DREAM. All I wanted was to be safe and with the person I loved, and it's pretty clear that is never happening again.
Aside from a few lucky breaks, everything I wanted to avoid by CTB earlier has happened. It's all playing out exactly as I'd feared. My intense misery is exactly as I'd expected. The emotional torment of knowing my partner's trial will drag on for maybe 2 years is as unbearable as I knew it would be. My options for "moving on" and starting a new life are as limited as I'd expected.
A close friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer during all of this, and I feel like human garbage for half wishing they'd recover, and half wishing they'd die faster so that I can CTB after they've passed without causing them pain.
About 6 months ago, our home was raided by police and they were charged. My world ended. They were my best friend and I trusted them completely.
I immediately made plans to CTB. Dressed up to look "normal" and went and got a will made, made a list of things to finish repairing in the house, cancelled all subscriptions, created a document for passwords, chose how I'd be cremated, etc. Printed up info on how to be the executor of an estate. Itemized the value of things in the house for auction. Shredded all paperwork related to me for privacy. Basically everything short of being my own estate executor as I knew my partner and even the people I'd named as executors would be overwhelmed.
Our entire street found out about the charges and began a campaign of terror, breaking windows, graffiti, egging the house, threatening harm & arson, doxxing us on social media where more death threats were made. I'm not involved in the situation but they don't care. By the time they started damaging the house, I felt intense guilt because leaving this situation to someone else to clean up is a shitty thing to do.
To make a long story short, Iots of other shit happened but I've managed to empty the house, find a realtor, and I'm sitting around in an empty house waiting for insurance to finish repairs so it can be listed for sale. The friends who have helped me to do this are all tired of me continuing to be sad and telling me I should look forward to a new start, etc.
I know I should be grateful for their help. But aside from feeling relieved that I'd be leaving less of a burden behind now, I don't feel any better than I did on day 1. I feel miserable. All I want to do is go back to my old life. But it's gone. It's never coming back. Many of them say I should "find my purpose" or "find a new dream" and I want to scream in their face, I HAD A DREAM. All I wanted was to be safe and with the person I loved, and it's pretty clear that is never happening again.
Aside from a few lucky breaks, everything I wanted to avoid by CTB earlier has happened. It's all playing out exactly as I'd feared. My intense misery is exactly as I'd expected. The emotional torment of knowing my partner's trial will drag on for maybe 2 years is as unbearable as I knew it would be. My options for "moving on" and starting a new life are as limited as I'd expected.
A close friend was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer during all of this, and I feel like human garbage for half wishing they'd recover, and half wishing they'd die faster so that I can CTB after they've passed without causing them pain.
