People pleaser type?

[Fadeawaaaay]

I grew up dominated by self involved parents and an abusive self obsessed older sibling. I gained approval by obeying rules and burying angers and resentment which later manifested as deep depression and learned helplessness. I was fearful and self loathing, terrified of risk and failure. After decades of toil, nothing to show for it.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

It's just part of CPTSD I think. Like "Fawn response"

Yeah it is, I googled "fawn response" and CPTSD is literally the top result. Nothing to show is because it's literally because of the trauma, and the trauma might be untreated, but most people don't have CPTSD so can't relate.

All of those things you described sound like causes and symptoms of CPTSD to me.

"
'Fawners' are typically individuals who were raised in a dysfunctional or abusive family system and were 'trained' by their primary caregivers to repress and deny their feelings, thoughts, and needs. Such children learn early on in life that their true self-expressions and natural impulses are not acceptable to those they depend on for survival and that their self-worth must be extracted from those around them in a never-ending quest to feel 'okay', accepted, valued, and loved.

If you're a 'fawner', (also referred to at times as 'people-pleaser' or 'codependent'), you likely seek validation from others that you are acceptable and worthy of being liked or loved. You can be so 'other' focused and 'enmeshed' that you may have no idea what you actually feel, think, want, or need.

If you identify as being a 'fawner', you may be engaging in people-pleasing behaviors to avoid conflict as much as possible in your interactions with others. You will deny your truth in an attempt to make those you feel dependent upon, afraid of, or care about comfortable.

As someone with a 'fawning' trauma response, you may do anything you can to 'keep the peace', even if that means abandoning yourself by repressing your preferences, thoughts, and needs, which in turn deprives you of the ability to negotiate on matters important to you, whether personal or professional.

You may be so focused on tending to the wants and needs of those around you that you have lost touch with who you are at the most basic level, to the point where you might be feeling depleted, angry, and exhausted much of the time without ever realizing it is because of your chronic, people-pleasing ways. Because you did not experience yourself as lovable by your primary caregivers when young, you may be intent on care-taking and helping others to prove that you are valuable."


I swear, I could diagnose people with CPTSD far easier and simpler than any so-called "doctor" of whatever. A smart person on here told me about "Fawn" earlier, adding response makes sense, and voila. Cheers google. I don't even bother to look up more about CPTSD just give me the diagnosis, treatment and medication already lol.

 

[WonderingSoul]

Same thing definitely happened to me.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Talkspace | Personal Match

match.talkspace.com

Self-diagnosis test, it's kind of dumb ngl and will ask you for email at the end so they can spam you, just throw in a fake email at the end.
I scored 80/80
Suggest if you want to get diagnosed, do the same, don't start second-guessing yourself. Honestly seems kinda pointless to give someone with CPTSD a test like that with a range of feelings from not-at-all to extremely. Like how do they expect us to quantify every feeling that way?
You can just slap down moderately or higher on any question that rings bells.

 

[Nightmare Painting]

Same for me except I became emotionally withdrawn and isolated to cope with my neglect and abuse. I have nothing to show for it either; my entire life was taken away from me by the time I was 2 years old. Being stuck in a perpetual state of the freeze response made sure that I never had any kind of a future.

 

[maakies]

I was a fawner, and after a sexually/physically abusive relationship I pretty much bounced far into the "I don't trust ducking anyone not even myself" realm. Very quick to panic attacks and paranoia now. Oh well. I kind of miss being a fawner. It was way easier than this. Then again, you're susceptible to those kinds of relationships. I still forgive easily.

 

[VKVK]

This thread is the most painful, relatable thing I've read on this website. Pure ctbfuel.

 

[eternalpeace]

I grew up dominated by self involved parents and an abusive self obsessed older sibling. I gained approval by obeying rules and burying angers and resentment which later manifested as deep depression and learned helplessness. I was fearful and self loathing, terrified of risk and failure. After decades of toil, nothing to show for it.

I did not grow up with abusive parents, but I too was a people pleaser almost all my life (I'm 38 now). I also have nothing to show for my decades of toiling. I pursued a career that I thought would make people respect me, and I worked relentlessly over the years, not just to do a good job and follow the "rules" of society, but also to make life easier for colleagues and bosses by going above and beyond. The only thing I succeeded in doing was driving my already precarious health into the ground. No one cared about all the times I went above and beyond; they only noticed my existence when I missed work due to being in the hospital, or when I made a mistake. All anyone seemed to remember were the times I came in late, not the times I stayed in the office until 2am. I didn't expect a medal for my efforts, but I (naively) thought they would at least be noticed, and considered alongside my flaws.

In my personal relationships, I always tried to accommodate the other person's needs, and to be there for them as much as I could. I wasn't perfect, but again, all the effort I put in led nowhere.

In general, my sense of loyalty to others (whether in a personal or professional relationship) never seemed to be reciprocated, and the harder I tried, the more I was taken for granted.

At this point, I refuse to go above and beyond for anyone. (Not that I won't help others, but I will not be bending over backward to make someone happy). I am prioritizing my own needs. I no longer let other people's opinions of me rule my thoughts or my time, and it is supremely liberating.