What are you feeling? In your mind and body? What are you thinking?
Alert & casually focused on whatever I'm up to. I nearly completed a wageslavery task, that was mindnumbing for days. It was miserable, but now I'm fine
(Why am I wageslaving? Not 100% sure. Probably to leave some people more money.)
I've been bringing out my "natural personality", which previously didn't have the strength to exist at my level of childhood trauma
Do you feel peace? Do you feel good? Does anything feel good??
Eh. My mind increasingly simulates how life could feel like an astonishing phenomenon — wild & incredible, bursting with options
My brain is still somewhat plastic. It'd be interesting if I'm significantly rewiring my brain
But no. I would not say I feel good. It is the kind of "good" that brings tears of loss & nostalgia... of alternate universes that Might Have Been
Are you feeling connected? to yourself or to others??
A bit. I'm at a pizza place. I much prefer being around people than alone
But my deep connections are all online. My deep in-person friends are all elsewhere. I don't have friends in this city. (If only they could be around me, as I euthanize! But then again, such a society might've kept me alive...)
I may be
incapable of "love" as other people feel it. (Which hurts deep.) Sadly, my deepest loves may be about reflections of myself. Yet I'm a very caring person; I have a strong moral sense
Are you hurting/in pain? Does it ever stop? What does it take for it to stop?
I don't feel pain at this moment, but it's always near. The feeling of loss that's driven me mad like an impossibly wounded animal
(After reviewing my answers, I now apprehend how incalculable my losses are, so big in my chest. A feeling of awe greater than mere pain)
Is any hope or joy? Do you wonder if you can still turn things around?
I lost my years 0-17. During that time, massive abuse mutilated my brain development. Even if I'm still neuroplastic, that loss of 17 years is enormous. At this point, pure pride may be my enemy. I'm really, really good at a couple things. But I should've been great at far more, at things I'd truly love, not things that society pressured me into
(And lost more years due to thyroid hormone deficiency. Every 5 mins, traumatic images flooded my mind. Had to get good at abstract thinking, for bitesized thoughts that fit in 5 mins)
I may very well die out of vanity & spite
And I fear my beauty will fade. (It may sound so odd for a male to be so vain about appearance, but that's what I had to cause people to care about me.) My family's lucky genetically; it'll likely take longer than usual to look older. But secretly it horrifies me, perhaps even more than I usually admit to myself
What is your relationship with anger?
Unfortunately, my anger can suddenly flare. That pisses me off, as it can scare/hurt people, before I make it disappear. It has destroyed so many relationships, so many moments that should've been beautiful & exquisite.
I used to think I was a monster that needed to be put down. Because I was at the receiving end of such violence & terror as a child. How could I not be angry?
Have you told anybody you are leaving?
Yeah. Friends above 30 yrs old seem to be more ok than those below 30
How are you spending your days?
Hanging out in restaurants, hotels & airbnbs. In the country I was in a couple weeks ago, I was more focused on getting laid. Not here though
Here, I tried dating a couple times. And going to bars, dancing & riding mechanical bulls. But meh. I don't know if I was just bored, or whether my emptiness & lack of local friends was evident
Also, I'm making random videos of myself & writing short stories, for those I love most
Do you feel ready?
Very close. Soon, I'll print out pictures of my most loved ones. I have some art they made me
Do you have family and/or friends? Are you connected with them?
Family: yes, but I'm connected with only a couple. But those, I love more than the universe. Because they're my children. I want to go back, spend some more days with them. Get them ready... and feel whatever we can feel. They're beautiful & brilliant; everyone says so. But... I don't know, it's complicated. Let's see if their mother will gatekeep. She pushed me to have them, in return for our relationship ending. And a couple days ago, we had an absurd fight.
Friends: some I message nearly everyday. Sometimes I talk with a bunch of them on zoom
What brought you to this point?
Destruction of much of my potential. Destruction of multiple relationships that were... world-beating. For example, I still remember the elation of one week (less than a couple years back), where I KNEW I was the happiest person on Earth. I didn't "think" it, I KNEW it
When I was clinically depressed last month, I couldn't think of anything but painful things & my desire for death. But in that happy week, I couldn't think about anything else than bliss & joy
Perhaps the happiness was greater, blotting out my other thoughts more effectively than the depression. It was perhaps too much. Unhealthy. But great
What all did you try before making this decision?
Adventures in a couple different countries, immersing myself in arts, getting laid, flirting, etc. Now here I am, doing nothing of those, moving towards death
What is your method of choice?
Shotgun. It ironically destroys my head & brain... So N is tempting
But at least I won't be suddenly seized with a horrible thought at the End of Perceptions :)
