Discussion Past Attempts: Do You Ever Spend Time Thinking About Them?

[NodusTollens]

I tend not to dwell on these but from time to time, something comes up & I can't get them out of my mind.

I plan to CTB, & this time I wish to be certain & complete. So I've been thinking about my last attempts trying to figure out where I went wrong.

Attempts: OD, Partial, Cutting Femoral Artery, Partial (at least 3 times), Cutting, _____

Now, given the options available to me, the only obstacles are SI & privacy. I keep shaking when I think deeply about CTB, I know this is normal- to be anxious, but it it does make me think about whether or not I'll succeed.

 

[Life_and_Death]

last month yes. but thats because a year ago that month was the first time i was actually that close to actually doing it. it was actually the night just before my first psychiatrist appt funny enough. of course someone had to come along and "save me" then ditch me. fuck them. never again.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yeah, I think a lot about my recently failed attempt (last August) but I don't get sad or mad. I just analyze what went wrong and my mistakes so as to not make them again next time I try to CTB.

 

[NodusTollens]

last month yes. but thats because a year ago that month was the first time i was actually that close to actually doing it. it was actually the night just before my first psychiatrist appt funny enough. of course someone had to come along and "save me" then ditch me. fuck them. never again.

UGH! I'm sorry they did that to you Life_and_Death. That genuinely irks me to my core, sure- fine, come through & be the "hero," then conveniently disappear when things are hard. Fair weather friends.

—hugs—

 

[Life_and_Death]

UGH! I'm sorry they did that to you Life_and_Death. That genuinely irks me to my core, sure- fine, come through & be the "hero," then conveniently disappear when things are hard. Fair weather friends.

it was a stranger walking by, literally just by chance. it was sort of a good thing she did. it was a bridge here where people do it often but jumping isnt even close to a preferred method. too many possibilities and im not one to take this type of chance unless im 100% sure, thats why i havent yet. i have a phobia of needles so if im going to do it, im not going to wake up in the hospital, nu uh no f'en way.

 

[Lady black]

Yes I wish one of them had worked

 

[Meditation guide]

No aside from knowing I will immediately panic if I take something to ctb.

 

[NodusTollens]

Yeah, I think a lot about my recently failed attempt (last August) but I don't get sad or mad. I just analyze want went wrong and my mistakes so as to not make them again next time I try to CTB.

That!

I think it goes to show what a little self-reflection can accomplish.

The attempts I listed all happened within a month (maybe two), I was highly intoxicated, but determined AF. I never stopped to think why they weren't working, only that I'd failed & I needed to get it done.

it was a stranger walking by, literally just by chance. it was sort of a good thing she did. it was a bridge here where people do it often but jumping isnt even close to a preferred method. too many possibilities and im not one to take this type of chance unless im 100% sure, thats why i havent yet. i have a phobia of needles so if im going to do it, im not going to wake up in the hospital, nu uh no f'en way.

Cheers to that!

That's the mentality I am hoping to maintain, I don't want to wax & wane, & I certainly don't want to fail again.

No aside from knowing I will immediately panic if I take something to ctb.

What do you mean by that? Has this happened before?

 

[painoflife]

I think a lot about what I could or should have done differently to have succeeded.

 

[NodusTollens]

I think a lot about what I could or should have done differently to have succeeded.

I dunno if you have a plan, but has thinking about it helped you find out why you didn't succeed before?

I couldn't think about it for the longest time because it would send me into full blown dread, now I've reached a similar point in my journey to CTB.

 

[painoflife]

I dunno if you have a plan, but has thinking about it helped you find out why you didn't succeed before?

I suppose no it hasn't helped because it just makes me frustrated more than anything. I couldn't change how things went before but I still blame myself for the outcome. I hate that I failed, it is such a disheartening thing to have to carry on from. There has been no epiphany or joy that I get to live another day.
I suppose I would take more possibilities into account when I next try so I can avoid failure again. The more you know the better you can prepare.

 

[NodusTollens]

I suppose no it hasn't helped because it just makes me frustrated more than anything. I couldn't change how things went before but I still blame myself for the outcome. I hate that I failed, it is such a disheartening thing to have to carry on from. There has been no epiphany or joy that I get to live another day.
I suppose I would take more possibilities into account when I next try so I can avoid failure again. The more you know the better you can prepare.

"The more you know the better you can prepare." You couldn't be more right about that.

I'm really sorry you have to carry around those feelings of being a failure —hugs— being a self proclaimed failure myself, I can understand the feeling. I hope that if/when you do decide to again, that you're able to find a method that works for you. :)

 

[foxdie]

I do think about my attempt from early July. How I failed, how extremely emotional I was at the time and how I could've succeeded. I've also never told anyone in my life about them so it's like a big stone in my heart, weighing me down. I need to be certain and in the right mindset the next time I attempt. I guess that is what I've taken away from the experience but it does still haunt me occasionally.

 

[NodusTollens]

I do think about my attempt from early July. How I failed, how extremely emotional I was at the time and how I could've succeeded. I've also never told anyone in my life about them so it's like a big stone in my heart, weighing me down. I need to be certain and in the right mindset the next time I attempt. I guess that is what I've taken away from the experience but it does still haunt me occasionally.

—hugs—
Holding onto those stones alone is heavy endeavour, I've been there. & I know this can't possibly lift their weight entirely, though, I want to say that I'm glad you have access to SS.

If/when you choose to CTB again, I wish you the best.

 

[foxdie]

I want to say that I'm glad you have access to SS.

If/when you choose to CTB again, I wish you the best.

Same to you friend

 

[NodusTollens]

Same to you friend

Thank you!

 

[Apathy's Girl]

My last attempt was running into on coming traffic. I remember feeling peaceful as the pavement came up to meet me. Then I regained consciousness in the ambulance. The woman told the police she was going 40 mph. I don't think so, if she was I don't think I would have survived.

I think about this attempt quite a bit and how selfish it was. I will never make another attempt that involves others unwillingly in my suicide. I felt horrible for the woman that hit me and was glad she wasn't injured.

 

[NodusTollens]

Wow, thanks for sharing your experience. I can't imagine how you much pain you must have been feeling. I understand the sentiment, it's nice of you to consider the other person's feelings.
—hugs—

 

[BridgeJumper]

I compulsively reminisce over my past suicide attempts, especially the serious, most important ones like my jump, the bridge hanging this year
I go over everything in my mind over and over again, replay it, the feeling associated
Its mainly an ocd thing, I always put a ridiculous ammount of planning into it. And this weird death fantasy thing, I love imagining my death. Sometimes I put on music and zone out for hours doing these things.

I fucked up my body badly. Back injury, paralised food, the awful feeling of falling and impact, sometimes those weird flashbacks of things I dont remember about the fall and then suddenly do for a split second.... People screaming, dragging me, slapping me, please wake up. I dont know why is it so fascinating?? I wish I had the filming skills to make a video portraying this mokent, the most insane thing Ive ever done, but I lack the skills and the only person who could help me with movie things cut off contact.

 

[TAW122]

I haven't had any past attempts (since my method is a one shot only figuratively and literally speaking, so I only get one chance and cannot afford to mess it up.), however, if I did, I would absolutely study them to know what went wrong and learn from that mistake in order to succeed in the future.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I've been thinking about them frequently recently. I'm in a horrible headspace right now. The last 7 months since my first attempt have been full of more pain. I feel worse than I did before. I wish I had succeeded back in May. As my next attempt date draws nearer, I'm focused on trying to get my head in the right space so I go through with everything properly this time.

 

[NodusTollens]

I compulsively reminisce over my past suicide attempts, especially the serious, most important ones like my jump, the bridge hanging this year
I go over everything in my mind over and over again, replay it, the feeling associated
Its mainly an ocd thing, I always put a ridiculous ammount of planning into it. And this weird death fantasy thing, I love imagining my death. Sometimes I put on music and zone out for hours doing these things.

I fucked up my body badly. Back injury, paralised food, the awful feeling of falling and impact, sometimes those weird flashbacks of things I dont remember about the fall and then suddenly do for a split second.... People screaming, dragging me, slapping me, please wake up. I dont know why is it so fascinating?? I wish I had the filming skills to make a video portraying this mokent, the most insane thing Ive ever done, but I lack the skills and the only person who could help me with movie things cut off contact.

Wow, you've certainly experienced a lot- the planning, the attempts, the injuries; your determination definitely show. I'm sorry your pain has led you you such lengths, though I applaud you for following through.

—hugs—

You know, I also think about dying- though I realizing as I write this, I typically think about myself my AFTER I've already died, not the act of dying. I was wondering, does reliving these events bring you peace or relief?

I've been thinking about them frequently recently. I'm in a horrible headspace right now. The last 7 months since my first attempt have been full of more pain. I feel worse than I did before. I wish I had succeeded back in May. As my next attempt date draws nearer, I'm focused on trying to get my head in the right space so I go through with everything properly this time.

Sorry to hear you're in such a bad headspace, the pain that you're feeling sounds awful. It's hard living with the feelings of shame after a failed attempt, it's a lonely place to be.

—hugs—

I can appreciate trying to get yourself in the right frame of mind for your next attempt, I'm doing the same.