Venting Parents on SS

[EmmaD]

I know as a mother on here I'm completely taboo and 90% of members think I don't have the right to feel suicidal. I just want to put my side.
I have 4 children, two are adults, one a teenager, one is 10.
I have a complex relationship history, 2 ex husbands, one current husband and have had children with each of them. I have bpd so my relationship patterns are all over the place.
My oldest daughter now 27 was witness to my horrible abusive second marriage and we were both victims of the man I was married too. He was very violent to me and didn't treat my daughter nicely either and I wish I'd escaped but I had no support. When my dad heard my ex had hurt me he just said 'oh Emma would test the patience of a saint' like it was all my fault.
That same daughter is now estranged from me and even got married last year and I only just found out because all my family hid it from me.
The next eldest daughter and I always had a very good relationship, but I have blamed myself completely when she was borderline anorexic as a teenager, self harmed once and has anxiety. But she turned it around and recently graduated. But she invited her dad (the one who was violent to me) to the graduation, not me, even though she knows a little of his violence to me. It seemed another symbol of my failure and I ended up burning myself as self harm so badly I had to have treatment( my daughter doesn't know about that and I'd never tell her)
My child who is a teenager and I have a good relationship and they tell me everything (they are non binary). But they have certain issues and mental health things going on. Self harm etc. This is where things start to get especially hard. NO ONE helps me with this. I've been to the school numerous times, to the Doctor, family members.. there is no help and I need help to support them and help them..And the lower I get feeling out of my depth helping my child, the more I think this must be all my fault! In the last year I wasn't invited to my older two daughters most important occasions.. it shows how shit I must be. I've infected them with my bad mental health, my dysfunctional bpd relationships and behaviour, now my teen child is self harming. If I was gone maybe the plague would be gone? The family would breathe a sigh of relief, the clouds would lift, my child could go live with their dad and probably be happy.
This is where my mind goes.
My current husband tells me I'm wrong etc but he would wouldn't he?
The one person I don't seem to have ruined by my existence is my youngest daughter. That's the one thing that stops me at this point. But absolutely when I've been intensely low and suicidal I definitely think she would be better off with me out the way before I can fuck her life up.
I just feel like suicidal parents are hated on here. What if a suicidal parent truly believes they are helping their child by removing themselves from their life before even more damage can be done? BPD contributed to my relationship with my oldest daughter completely disintegrating.. maybe being a parent with bpd just doesn't work?

 

[BroodingBleu]

In my personal opinion, there is nothing that should bar someone from feeling the way they do, nor should people on this site be judging others for their feelings as we're all here for similar reasons. I don't think you're wrong for dealing with what you deal with purely for the fact you have children, people who treat you poorly for that are just silly, honestly. The same excuse could be applied to any situation that we may have such as payments, pets, spouses, parents etc. Yet people don't apply the same complex.

 

[grimes]

being a parent doesn't make your feelings invalid. you aren't selfish or wrong, and if someone here wants to say you are, then they can fuck right off. that isn't how we treat each other here. what you're feeling is valid. any and all reasons are. you don't owe anyone an explanation for it, you feel the way you do and as someone who is recovering from BPD, i can tell you 100% that this is an experience a lot of parents with BPD have. you are welcome here, and we appreciate having you :)

 

[Darkover]

i would give everyone the right to die with or without children it's the individual choice nobody choose these lives and nobody should be forced to live them

 

[CTB Dream]

Ppl all sffr not mttr prtn not this all,sffr all need ctb ok vry sry hpn hope peace any do

 

[SexyIncél]

maybe being a parent with bpd just doesn't work?

Most parents seem to suck at their job. For understandable reasons. Like overwork, lack of support/training, etc

Re-reading Len Sperry's handbook on DSM-5 disorders... yes, your BPD makes it way harder. Explains things conspicuously missing from your account, like analysis of other people's perspectives

But it certainly doesn't mean you should necessarily die for their sake. Sounds like you're suffering abandonment depression, very crushing

 

[AerialBoundaries]

My folks are pretty internet savvy, despite being in their 60s. I expect they'll probably find out about this, one day. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

 

[dwindlingfirst]

I know as a mother on here I'm completely taboo and 90% of members think I don't have the right to feel suicidal. I just want to put my side.
I have 4 children, two are adults, one a teenager, one is 10.
I have a complex relationship history, 2 ex husbands, one current husband and have had children with each of them. I have bpd so my relationship patterns are all over the place.
My oldest daughter now 27 was witness to my horrible abusive second marriage and we were both victims of the man I was married too. He was very violent to me and didn't treat my daughter nicely either and I wish I'd escaped but I had no support. When my dad heard my ex had hurt me he just said 'oh Emma would test the patience of a saint' like it was all my fault.
That same daughter is now estranged from me and even got married last year and I only just found out because all my family hid it from me.
The next eldest daughter and I always had a very good relationship, but I have blamed myself completely when she was borderline anorexic as a teenager, self harmed once and has anxiety. But she turned it around and recently graduated. But she invited her dad (the one who was violent to me) to the graduation, not me, even though she knows a little of his violence to me. It seemed another symbol of my failure and I ended up burning myself as self harm so badly I had to have treatment( my daughter doesn't know about that and I'd never tell her)
My child who is a teenager and I have a good relationship and they tell me everything (they are non binary). But they have certain issues and mental health things going on. Self harm etc. This is where things start to get especially hard. NO ONE helps me with this. I've been to the school numerous times, to the Doctor, family members.. there is no help and I need help to support them and help them..And the lower I get feeling out of my depth helping my child, the more I think this must be all my fault! In the last year I wasn't invited to my older two daughters most important occasions.. it shows how shit I must be. I've infected them with my bad mental health, my dysfunctional bpd relationships and behaviour, now my teen child is self harming. If I was gone maybe the plague would be gone? The family would breathe a sigh of relief, the clouds would lift, my child could go live with their dad and probably be happy.
This is where my mind goes.
My current husband tells me I'm wrong etc but he would wouldn't he?
The one person I don't seem to have ruined by my existence is my youngest daughter. That's the one thing that stops me at this point. But absolutely when I've been intensely low and suicidal I definitely think she would be better off with me out the way before I can fuck her life up.
I just feel like suicidal parents are hated on here. What if a suicidal parent truly believes they are helping their child by removing themselves from their life before even more damage can be done? BPD contributed to my relationship with my oldest daughter completely disintegrating.. maybe being a parent with bpd just doesn't work?

It's okay to feel suicidal as a parent. I think many who argue that it's wrong is because they feel that the child shouldn't have to bear with the loss, potentially causing them to commit suicide at a young age. That is a very strong reason to stay alive, but you shouldn't feel guilty about being suicidal.

 

[ExistHarm]

as a child with bpd of a mother who has bpd and also had 4 kids including me, id say that your suicidal feelings are valid. you (and the father(s)) definitely fucked up bringing 4 people into existence but that doesnt negate your own feelings. why do you think your 10 year old would be better off with you dead?

 

[Aisley]

I think you ctb'ing would be more damaging. A child missing a parent obsesses over that absence, and they really never get past it. Every single thing in their life is held up to the prism of something missing, and how it should have gone. You said nothing really, of the forth, but it seems the third one really needs someone - for venting to, at the very least. Their whole shit storm is just getting started, and they'll need to scream about it from time to time.
You can't be a total failure; after all, how many of us here told our mothers about cutting ourselves when we were kids? I still haven't, and I can be brutally honest with her sometimes, like a slash and burn kind of attack, just trying to shake that narcissistic pig out of her pig-head. The kid's communicating with you. That's half the fucking battle right there.

 

[deathimcomin]

I'm a mum of 3. My ex was extremely abusive and I also have BPD. Everyday I think about catching that bus, but the only thing holding me down is the kids. You're allowed to feel.

 

[EmmaD]

as a child with bpd of a mother who has bpd and also had 4 kids including me, id say that your suicidal feelings are valid. you (and the father(s)) definitely fucked up bringing 4 people into existence but that doesnt negate your own feelings. why do you think your 10 year old would be better off with you dead?

Thank you. Right now I'm not at that intense suicidal low. I'm not actively suicidal right now, so right now I can see clearly that she wouldn't be better off with me dead. BUT when I am in that low, then I see everything in a very different way. It's like being two people with completely different mindsets. The last 2 or 3 years though on and off I was actively suicidal.. and I just remember thinking she would be with my husband and maybe things would be easier for her and him with out all the crap I bring along with me, like the family tensions etc.
I'm not in that place thankfully right now BUT I want to speak up for other parents on here who might feel that way.

I think you ctb'ing would be more damaging. A child missing a parent obsesses over that absence, and they really never get past it. Every single thing in their life is held up to the prism of something missing, and how it should have gone. You said nothing really, of the forth, but it seems the third one really needs someone - for venting to, at the very least. Their whole shit storm is just getting started, and they'll need to scream about it from time to time.
You can't be a total failure; after all, how many of us here told our mothers about cutting ourselves when we were kids? I still haven't, and I can be brutally honest with her sometimes, like a slash and burn kind of attack, just trying to shake that narcissistic pig out of her pig-head. The kid's communicating with you. That's half the fucking battle right there.

You're completely right. Today I'm literally going to be on the phone and emailing whoever it takes to get support for my third. I absolutely know it's good they confide in me about sexuality/ mental health etc. I try so hard to be the mother to them that I never had. Sometimes I worry it makes me almost go the other way, like I don't discipline them much at all, am very easy going. But it's because I don't want to be the arsehole parent that my mum was. I worry about them all the time, it's the thing that triggers me most.

I'm a mum of 3. My ex was extremely abusive and I also have BPD. Everyday I think about catching that bus, but the only thing holding me down is the kids. You're allowed to feel.

Thank you you're right we are allowed to feel! It's not like I chose to feel this way. And it's not like I haven't tried to get help. I'm glad that there are others on here that understand..but sorry you're going through it too xx

 

[sorrow_sparrow]

I know as a mother on here I'm completely taboo and 90% of members think I don't have the right to feel suicidal. I just want to put my side.
I have 4 children, two are adults, one a teenager, one is 10.
I have a complex relationship history, 2 ex husbands, one current husband and have had children with each of them. I have bpd so my relationship patterns are all over the place.
My oldest daughter now 27 was witness to my horrible abusive second marriage and we were both victims of the man I was married too. He was very violent to me and didn't treat my daughter nicely either and I wish I'd escaped but I had no support. When my dad heard my ex had hurt me he just said 'oh Emma would test the patience of a saint' like it was all my fault.
That same daughter is now estranged from me and even got married last year and I only just found out because all my family hid it from me.
The next eldest daughter and I always had a very good relationship, but I have blamed myself completely when she was borderline anorexic as a teenager, self harmed once and has anxiety. But she turned it around and recently graduated. But she invited her dad (the one who was violent to me) to the graduation, not me, even though she knows a little of his violence to me. It seemed another symbol of my failure and I ended up burning myself as self harm so badly I had to have treatment( my daughter doesn't know about that and I'd never tell her)
My child who is a teenager and I have a good relationship and they tell me everything (they are non binary). But they have certain issues and mental health things going on. Self harm etc. This is where things start to get especially hard. NO ONE helps me with this. I've been to the school numerous times, to the Doctor, family members.. there is no help and I need help to support them and help them..And the lower I get feeling out of my depth helping my child, the more I think this must be all my fault! In the last year I wasn't invited to my older two daughters most important occasions.. it shows how shit I must be. I've infected them with my bad mental health, my dysfunctional bpd relationships and behaviour, now my teen child is self harming. If I was gone maybe the plague would be gone? The family would breathe a sigh of relief, the clouds would lift, my child could go live with their dad and probably be happy.
This is where my mind goes.
My current husband tells me I'm wrong etc but he would wouldn't he?
The one person I don't seem to have ruined by my existence is my youngest daughter. That's the one thing that stops me at this point. But absolutely when I've been intensely low and suicidal I definitely think she would be better off with me out the way before I can fuck her life up.
I just feel like suicidal parents are hated on here. What if a suicidal parent truly believes they are helping their child by removing themselves from their life before even more damage can be done? BPD contributed to my relationship with my oldest daughter completely disintegrating.. maybe being a parent with bpd just doesn't work?

I'm a mother of 3 daughter,
everyday and every second I'm thinkin of CTB,
yes, it is my children's made me reconsider my ctb all the time I'm thinking about it.... even my thought and guilt that I've failed them as a mother always hanging on my mind but nothing I can do about it, but I do tried teh best I can do while dragging my own 'baggage',
we tried our best become their mother while we struggle ourselves with our own illness whether its mentally depress or financially depress
CTB is the best I can think and do right now, but I never have a courage to do it even though Its always be my greatest dream

We are just a mother, a human being you and I, not a robot...
so YES we are all allow to feelin suicidal and down and depress and etc. whatever we want to feel
don't worry, I think you are not alone, we mothers just rarely show and discuss our weakness since society (and our family) demands us to be the strongest human ever known...

be kind to yourself... love

 

[Kundalini Guy]

Anyone on this forum should use this as a warning about relationships and settling down. They are a way to trap you in this world because you will always worry about what happens to your children if you were to CTB. Say NO to relationships if you are currently battling deep rooted problems like a mental illness or other types of problems.

 

[OceanBlue]

I think you lose the right to die once you reproduce, then you're also responsible for your children's suffering and should work all your life to reduce it as much as possible.

And honestly, I haven't noticed much remorse from suicidal parents for bringing children into a world they themselves want to leave, they still center themselves. Very entitled and don't take responsibility, don't like to be told they have committed a crime. If I saw more of this accountability, then I'd be more sympathetic.

 

[Kittzuni]

First and foremost I'd like to say your feelings are valid.

I do however believe that no mother/father is sometimes better than a shitty mother/father. Especially if the parent is abusing their child or is responsible for the childs abuse and the child would in fact be bettee of without them. That's not a simple thing to determine though. So I'd say it really depends on the circumstances.

At some point in my life my cat was a good enough reason for me to not ctb. At a later point however I planned on giving her to my grandmother to go through with my plans. While I understand that a child and a pet are two entirely different things the same principles somewhat apply. If you feel like you can trust the person who has to take care of said living being for you because you aren't around anymore ctb might be a justifiable choice for you.

 

[EmmaD]

And honestly, I haven't noticed much remorse from suicidal parents for bringing children into a world they themselves want to leave, they still center themselves. Very entitled and don't take responsibility, don't like to be told they have committed a crime. If I saw more of this accountability, then I'd be more sympathetic.

When I'm feeling actively suicidal it's NOT the world I'm trying to leave, it's myself. I don't believe the world is bad or existence is bad, I believe I'm bad!
But as I said I'm not in that place anyway right now and hopefully I won't be again.

But honestly if you are arguing from the point of view of antinatalism and I'm not, then we're never going to agree. I'm not sorry for having my children. I love them all…and for example, my daughter who recently graduated is living happily, and in a profession where she will help thousands of people and do great things.
I respect your viewpoint though, we just think differently.

 

[Somber]

Suffering from BPD can easily affect your relationships, but so would your suicide, especially when underage children are involved. One suicide can trigger another.

Children need role models and their parents are often the most important people they will turn to. While you have parental responsibilities you can't ignore, you shouldn't neglect your own feelings either.

It seems to me that the best thing you can do for both yourself AND your children is to ask for help from a qualified psychologist. There is nothing easy about taking those first steps. You might even have to go through several of them before you find the right connection.

But when was anything worth doing ever easy?

PS Are there any qualified psychologists on these forums?

 

[EmmaD]

Suffering from BPD can easily affect your relationships, but so would your suicide, especially when underage children are involved. One suicide can trigger another.

Children need role models and their parents are often the most important people they will turn to. While you have parental responsibilities you can't ignore, you shouldn't neglect your own feelings either.

It seems to me that the best thing you can do for both yourself AND your children is to ask for help from a qualified psychologist. There is nothing easy about taking those first steps. You might even have to go through several of them before you find the right connection.

But when was anything worth doing ever easy?

PS Are there any qualified psychologists on these forums?

I agree mentally ill parents need help. I've had a lot of help. Last year I spent 6 months in a therapeutic community for personality disorders. I had to leave due to bullying which is a fucking joke… but am going back in December. Trust me.. I've had the best help you can get on the nhs!

 

[hiddenbpd]

You're doing what you can and having children doesn't magically make suicidal thoughts disappear. Try not to beat yourself up too much. It seems like those who are upset about suicidal parents on here, are more upset about the fact that they had children in the first place, rather than the parent leaving them to suicide. I'd argue that any loss to suicide has the same impact, whether it's your parent, child, sibling, spouse, etc. Sure your child's happiness is partly your responsibility, hence why you feel leaving them would be better when you're in that low state, but that doesn't mean just because you're a parent that you're not allowed to have feelings. I think majority of us can relate to feeling like a burden on others, it's no different with kids. Keep your head up, you're doing the best you can .

 

[EmmaD]

You're doing what you can and having children doesn't magically make suicidal thoughts disappear. Try not to beat yourself up too much. It seems like those who are upset about suicidal parents on here, are more upset about the fact that they had children in the first place, rather than the parent leaving them to suicide. I'd argue that any loss to suicide has the same impact, whether it's your parent, child, sibling, spouse, etc. Sure your child's happiness is partly your responsibility, hence why you feel leaving them would be better when you're in that low state, but that doesn't mean just because you're a parent that you're not allowed to have feelings. I think majority of us can relate to feeling like a burden on others, it's no different with kids. Keep your head up, you're doing the best you can .

Thank you xxx

 

[Artictart]

I know as a mother on here I'm completely taboo and 90% of members think I don't have the right to feel suicidal. I just want to put my side.
I have 4 children, two are adults, one a teenager, one is 10.
I have a complex relationship history, 2 ex husbands, one current husband and have had children with each of them. I have bpd so my relationship patterns are all over the place.
My oldest daughter now 27 was witness to my horrible abusive second marriage and we were both victims of the man I was married too. He was very violent to me and didn't treat my daughter nicely either and I wish I'd escaped but I had no support. When my dad heard my ex had hurt me he just said 'oh Emma would test the patience of a saint' like it was all my fault.
That same daughter is now estranged from me and even got married last year and I only just found out because all my family hid it from me.
The next eldest daughter and I always had a very good relationship, but I have blamed myself completely when she was borderline anorexic as a teenager, self harmed once and has anxiety. But she turned it around and recently graduated. But she invited her dad (the one who was violent to me) to the graduation, not me, even though she knows a little of his violence to me. It seemed another symbol of my failure and I ended up burning myself as self harm so badly I had to have treatment( my daughter doesn't know about that and I'd never tell her)
My child who is a teenager and I have a good relationship and they tell me everything (they are non binary). But they have certain issues and mental health things going on. Self harm etc. This is where things start to get especially hard. NO ONE helps me with this. I've been to the school numerous times, to the Doctor, family members.. there is no help and I need help to support them and help them..And the lower I get feeling out of my depth helping my child, the more I think this must be all my fault! In the last year I wasn't invited to my older two daughters most important occasions.. it shows how shit I must be. I've infected them with my bad mental health, my dysfunctional bpd relationships and behaviour, now my teen child is self harming. If I was gone maybe the plague would be gone? The family would breathe a sigh of relief, the clouds would lift, my child could go live with their dad and probably be happy.
This is where my mind goes.
My current husband tells me I'm wrong etc but he would wouldn't he?
The one person I don't seem to have ruined by my existence is my youngest daughter. That's the one thing that stops me at this point. But absolutely when I've been intensely low and suicidal I definitely think she would be better off with me out the way before I can fuck her life up.
I just feel like suicidal parents are hated on here. What if a suicidal parent truly believes they are helping their child by removing themselves from their life before even more damage can be done? BPD contributed to my relationship with my oldest daughter completely disintegrating.. maybe being a parent with bpd just doesn't work?

Your feelings are perfectly valid, mother or not you are still a human being with human feelings. Don't blame yourself for your child's actions and feelings, you deserve support and a loving household as anyone else would. I really hope your children come to realize things, no one deserves that, especially a parent trying their best with what they have. Best wishes for you and your family, mainly you, you're going through a lot. <3

 

[SoftWorries]

I know as a mother on here I'm completely taboo and 90% of members think I don't have the right to feel suicidal. I just want to put my side.
I have 4 children, two are adults, one a teenager, one is 10.
I have a complex relationship history, 2 ex husbands, one current husband and have had children with each of them. I have bpd so my relationship patterns are all over the place.
My oldest daughter now 27 was witness to my horrible abusive second marriage and we were both victims of the man I was married too. He was very violent to me and didn't treat my daughter nicely either and I wish I'd escaped but I had no support. When my dad heard my ex had hurt me he just said 'oh Emma would test the patience of a saint' like it was all my fault.
That same daughter is now estranged from me and even got married last year and I only just found out because all my family hid it from me.
The next eldest daughter and I always had a very good relationship, but I have blamed myself completely when she was borderline anorexic as a teenager, self harmed once and has anxiety. But she turned it around and recently graduated. But she invited her dad (the one who was violent to me) to the graduation, not me, even though she knows a little of his violence to me. It seemed another symbol of my failure and I ended up burning myself as self harm so badly I had to have treatment( my daughter doesn't know about that and I'd never tell her)
My child who is a teenager and I have a good relationship and they tell me everything (they are non binary). But they have certain issues and mental health things going on. Self harm etc. This is where things start to get especially hard. NO ONE helps me with this. I've been to the school numerous times, to the Doctor, family members.. there is no help and I need help to support them and help them..And the lower I get feeling out of my depth helping my child, the more I think this must be all my fault! In the last year I wasn't invited to my older two daughters most important occasions.. it shows how shit I must be. I've infected them with my bad mental health, my dysfunctional bpd relationships and behaviour, now my teen child is self harming. If I was gone maybe the plague would be gone? The family would breathe a sigh of relief, the clouds would lift, my child could go live with their dad and probably be happy.
This is where my mind goes.
My current husband tells me I'm wrong etc but he would wouldn't he?
The one person I don't seem to have ruined by my existence is my youngest daughter. That's the one thing that stops me at this point. But absolutely when I've been intensely low and suicidal I definitely think she would be better off with me out the way before I can fuck her life up.
I just feel like suicidal parents are hated on here. What if a suicidal parent truly believes they are helping their child by removing themselves from their life before even more damage can be done? BPD contributed to my relationship with my oldest daughter completely disintegrating.. maybe being a parent with bpd just doesn't work?

Psychiatry and Sexism: Gender Bias in BPD Diagnosis?

Why women are disproportionately diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

www.medpagetoday.com

Are sexual abuse victims being diagnosed with a mental disorder they don't have?

The lack of recognition for complex PTSD by the psychiatric establishment means it is difficult for sexual abuse victims who might suffer from it to receive the right diagnosis

www.theguardian.com

Authentication error - ProQuest

Explore millions of resources from scholarly journals, books, newspapers, videos and more, on the ProQuest Platform.

www.proquest.com

You said maybe being a parent with BPD doesn't work. Have about a parent with PTSD? It seems like you've lived through many difficult things. Are you only diagnosed with BPD?

Some people in the health field argue the legitimacy of the diagnosis. Perhaps you know for sure it's BPD and not PTSD but I've linked some articles in case you want to look into it.

The world is extremely difficult. Extremely. Your children would have very likely, if not definitely, had a difficult time even if everything had been 'perfect'.

But they certainly would not be better off without you.

 

[EmmaD]

Psychiatry and Sexism: Gender Bias in BPD Diagnosis?

Why women are disproportionately diagnosed with borderline personality disorder

www.medpagetoday.com

Are sexual abuse victims being diagnosed with a mental disorder they don't have?

The lack of recognition for complex PTSD by the psychiatric establishment means it is difficult for sexual abuse victims who might suffer from it to receive the right diagnosis

www.theguardian.com

Authentication error - ProQuest

Explore millions of resources from scholarly journals, books, newspapers, videos and more, on the ProQuest Platform.

www.proquest.com

You said maybe being a parent with BPD doesn't work. Have about a parent with PTSD? It seems like you've lived through many difficult things. Are you only diagnosed with BPD?

Some people in the health field argue the legitimacy of the diagnosis. Perhaps you know for sure it's BPD and not PTSD but I've linked some articles in case you want to look into it.

The world is extremely difficult. Extremely. Your children would have very likely, if not definitely, had a difficult time even if everything had been 'perfect'.

But they certainly would not be better off without you.

Thank you! I was diagnosed with EUPD (which is basically bpd) and they thought I might be bipolar too, but I'm not sure about that. That's interesting about ptsd, I hadn't considered it. One of my fellow therapeutic community members had ptsd though and his symptoms were really different to mine.. like being freaked out by loud noises etc. Thank you for posting this though I'll read those links xx

 

[SoftWorries]

Thank you! I was diagnosed with EUPD (which is basically bpd) and they thought I might be bipolar too, but I'm not sure about that. That's interesting about ptsd, I hadn't considered it. One of my fellow therapeutic community members had ptsd though and his symptoms were really different to mine.. like being freaked out by loud noises etc. Thank you for posting this though I'll read those links xx

PTSD depends on the triggers. You don't always need to have an extreme startle response.

You can look up BPD and PTSD on Google images to see how closely related they are.

I mention this because I don't think it's helpful to think of yourself as innately having a mood disorder. You could check out the book The Body Keeps Score. In it it's theorized that any number of mood disorders are the cause of coping mechanisms that aren't optimal and all originate from trauma.

At the very least I don't think it's helpful to you to think you've hurt your children because of BPD.

 

[EmmaD]

PTSD depends on the triggers. You don't always need to have an extreme startle response.

You can look up BPD and PTSD on Google images to see how closely related they are.

I mention this because I don't think it's helpful to think of yourself as innately having a mood disorder. You could check out the book The Body Keeps Score. In it it's theorized that any number of mood disorders are the cause of coping mechanisms that aren't optimal and all originate from trauma.

At the very least I don't think it's helpful to you to think you've hurt your children because of BPD.

I'll check out that book! I do think the nhs dumps a bpd diagnosis on people they can't otherwise place. The first time I thought I probably was correctly diagnosed though was at the therapeutic community when every single member had been the 'black sheep' of their family, with parents who put them down and emotionally abused them. And all the women had had sexual or physical abuse from men.. literally all of them. But it is interesting to think that some of us could have been misdiagnosed.. dumped together as the 'difficult to treat' group under the bpd bracket.
I think people like me are a drain on resources. I mean I was told by the lead psychotherapist that a year of treatment at the TC for one person costs the nhs about £70,000 so it makes me realise how expensive we mentally ill people are to deal with. If they had to take even more time to try to diagnose correctly I guess it would cost even more.

 

[CTB Fella]

"The one person I don't seem to have ruined by my existence is my youngest daughter."

You haven't ruined anyone on here.

If you need me, you know where I am.

 

[SleepyRobloxGrl]

As a person who grew up with a BPD mother, I can tell you're trying.

My mom was never the best mom, and I definitely had periods where I "hated" her, but overall, she was my mom. I still love her. I distance myself, but I love her. She makes some days hard, but I still love her. I will always love my mom, but the distance helps me cope. Hopefully that is the case with your kids.

I wish the best for you

 

[EmpathyMinded]

Being borderline doesn't mean you deserve to be unhappy. BPD sufferers are people too. The problem is people having the patience they ought to so someone with BPD has the support they need to come out the other side. There is absolutely another side for a lot of BPD sufferers, but it's impossible to get there without proper support and it sounds like that's what you've been lacking previously in your life.

It doesn't mean you're damned.

From what you've suggested, you at least have a supportive partner now, and a good relationship with your youngest. That sounds like the foundation to finally work past your BPD. Maybe your husband is being encouraging not because it's just his duty, but because he actually cares and thinks you can improve?

Your teen is more complicated. I don't know what the answer is here. The best thing I can suggest is make it even clearer they can talk to you about anything they are struggling with and they'll be there. Maybe open up about your own struggles. Sometimes a child not wanting to be honest with their parent is like a user in here talking here instead of out in their world; if your child feels like you don't understand the impulses and pain they are going through, maybe you will just judge them or say the kind of empty things others do i.e. "don't do it." By making yourself more vulnerable, they might gain the confidence to speak, the same way people who come here feel they can speak because they know others will understand. It's worth a try.

I'm hoping for the best for you. If you remember to and want to, keep me updated I'd live to see how things might change for you.

 

[EmmaD]

Being borderline doesn't mean you deserve to be unhappy. BPD sufferers are people too. The problem is people having the patience they ought to so someone with BPD has the support they need to come out the other side. There is absolutely another side for a lot of BPD sufferers, but it's impossible to get there without proper support and it sounds like that's what you've been lacking previously in your life.

It doesn't mean you're damned.

From what you've suggested, you at least have a supportive partner now, and a good relationship with your youngest. That sounds like the foundation to finally work past your BPD. Maybe your husband is being encouraging not because it's just his duty, but because he actually cares and thinks you can improve?

Your teen is more complicated. I don't know what the answer is here. The best thing I can suggest is make it even clearer they can talk to you about anything they are struggling with and they'll be there. Maybe open up about your own struggles. Sometimes a child not wanting to be honest with their parent is like a user in here talking here instead of out in their world; if your child feels like you don't understand the impulses and pain they are going through, maybe you will just judge them or say the kind of empty things others do i.e. "don't do it." By making yourself more vulnerable, they might gain the confidence to speak, the same way people who come here feel they can speak because they know others will understand. It's worth a try.

I'm hoping for the best for you. If you remember to and want to, keep me updated I'd live to see how things might change for you.

Thank you! I have wondered whether to be open about my struggles, and my diagnosis. I actually discussed this with my psychotherapist. I don't know if it's too much for a teenager to deal with, knowing their mum has bpd?