Parents of adolescents: what do your kids know? (taboo)

[dropdeadfred]

Confronting the taboo- what is appropriate & what's not.
You all saw me come unglued last night. Other than my inconcealable constant fatigue, I have hid my depression from my 10 year old as much as I have been able. I decided to have a semi-lighthearted conversation with her tonight about my diagnosed clinical depression, what it does, & how it's no one's fault, especially the children of parents with mental disorders. She told me she always thought I was depressed. Kind of surprised me, how mature & seemingly somewhat knowledgeable about depression she was. She asked me if it increases risk for suicide & I told her the truth, in which she seemed to understand. That was the extent of it. It felt like a very positive exchange & I feel like she has a better understanding of why I am the way that I am.

 

[ronigail9]

I told my son I would mostly likely ctb again (he doesn't live with me from the first time) and I am heartbroken to report he lives with anxiety due to that fact.

 

[dropdeadfred]

I told my son I would mostly likely ctb again (he doesn't live with me from the first time) and I am heartbroken to report he lives with anxiety due to that fact.

Ugh... that so sucks. Do you mind if I ask what his age range is & had you talked about CTB with him before your first attempt? I hope he is able to come to peace with it before your time comes.

 

[ronigail9]

Ugh... that so sucks. Do you mind if I ask what his age range is & had you talked about CTB with him before your first attempt? I hope he is able to come to peace with it before your time comes.

He was 10 and it was a surprise. I did IV fent so I really thought i was gonna die. I had made sure our last moments were doing his favorite activities.

This time he will be 11 or older. I'm trying to hold on but ironically it's even harder when I'm not able to see him.

 

[Moon Flower]

I have a story from the opposite perspective. My dad ctb when I was 18, and my mom tried to ctb until she was successful 3 years later. She spent a lot of time extremely drunk so she was very open about the grief. She pretty much cried all the time, began making a lot of darker art, had to be hospitalized for an attempt once about a month after my dad died. Everybody knew it was coming, it was just a matter of when.

 

[dropdeadfred]

I have a story from the opposite perspective. My dad ctb when I was 18, and my mom tried to ctb until she was successful 3 years later. She spent a lot of time extremely drunk so she was very open about the grief. She pretty much cried all the time, began making a lot of darker art, had to be hospitalized for an attempt once about a month after my dad died. Everybody knew it was coming, it was just a matter of when.

Wow... thank you for sharing. May I ask how all of this affected you? I understand if not. & I am curious if you would have rather not have experienced your mother's openness/seen her grief leading up to her CTB.

 

[Moon Flower]

Wow... thank you for sharing. May I ask how all of this affected you? I understand if not. & I am curious if you would have rather not have experienced your mother's openness/seen her grief leading up to her CTB.

Honestly I feel like seeing it all made it much easier to be relieved for her. Knowing she would never have to suffer again was rather comforting. With my dad it was extremely sudden, nobody saw it coming, and there were lots of unanswered questions, but my mom made everything very clear so all anyone could even do is hope she found her peace

 

[dropdeadfred]

Honestly I feel like seeing it all made it much easier to be relieved for her. Knowing she would never have to suffer again was rather comforting. With my dad it was extremely sudden, nobody saw it coming, and there were lots of unanswered questions, but my mom made everything very clear so all anyone could even do is hope she found her peace

Thank you for answering. I have always wondered, not having experienced personally, if it would be "easier" to come to terms with knowing it may be coming as opposed to a sudden shock. Much love to you!

 

[BLUE1970]

I'm so pleased your conversation went well, hopefully your child will have a better understanding if you ctb. My children still worry about me as I've had a number of serious failed attempts, the concern does fade in time but as soon as something problematic happens it springs back into the forefront and they worry.

 

[noaccount]

Hi Fred - lots of respect and admiration for you having that conversation with your daughter - It's good I think to tell kids about emotional struggles whether or not we frame them as "illnesses"...

And in your case, that it's no one's fault - Or if in some case it's someone else's fault like "I have ptsd from the government sending me to war or from my parents abusing me" - but in any case, to clear up that it's not the kid's fault.

And so kids know, and have it modeled for them, that these are serious things that we need to seek support for, that it's understandable that they effect the course of our lives and we're not supposed to just keep it to ourselves or "bootstrap" our way past it. A difficult balance, sometimes, with the nuance of how often asking for help gets coercive interventions made against us.

I'm glad you're in your family's life for however long you're here, wishing you peace and lighter days

 

[dropdeadfred]

Hi Fred - lots of respect and admiration for you having that conversation with your daughter - It's good I think to tell kids about emotional struggles whether or not we frame them as "illnesses"...

And in your case, that it's no one's fault - Or if in some case it's someone else's fault like "I have ptsd from the government sending me to war or from my parents abusing me" - but in any case, to clear up that it's not the kid's fault.

And so kids know, and have it modeled for them, that these are serious things that we need to seek support for, that it's understandable that they effect the course of our lives and we're not supposed to just keep it to ourselves or "bootstrap" our way past it. A difficult balance, sometimes, with the nuance of how often asking for help gets coercive interventions made against us.

I'm glad you're in your family's life for however long you're here, wishing you peace and lighter days

Thanks for the words! I agree about the part where you talk about "fault." How I explained it to her was that it was no one's fault that they have/had depression. We didn't talk about possible causes of & I imagine she will probably ask more one day. I think it's so so sooo important that kids are informed from a young age about mental & physical conditions for the reasons you mentioned.

 

[TattiQueen]

Confronting the taboo- what is appropriate & what's not.
You all saw me come unglued last night. Other than my inconcealable constant fatigue, I have hid my depression from my 10 year old as much as I have been able. I decided to have a semi-lighthearted conversation with her tonight about my diagnosed clinical depression, what it does, & how it's no one's fault, especially the children of parents with mental disorders. She told me she always thought I was depressed. Kind of surprised me, how mature & seemingly somewhat knowledgeable about depression she was. She asked me if it increases risk for suicide & I told her the truth, in which she seemed to understand. That was the extent of it. It felt like a very positive exchange & I feel like she has a better understanding of why I am the way that I am.

I really applaud the fact that you sat down with her and spoke with her as if she were an adult. Some children need to feel this respect/understanding from their parents to an extent. You also gained a little insight you hadn't had before.

I have a 3 yo son and 11 & 13 yo girls and all three of them surprise me every damn day! My youngest daughter, she doesn't let on, but she is very very street smart and had an abundance of common knowledge that she maybe shouldn't? Trust me, they always know more than you expect. I'd say you have to give yourself some credit there, as you've raised a very aware daughter who seems to notice the details not many others would.