Venting Parents hit me with the guilt trip today, plans falling apart. Please help.

[AJ95]

As some of you are aware, things have escalated for me since the police coming to my door on Friday. To put it simply, someone found my instagram and messaged members of my family through there with screenshots of one of my posts on another site (I know for sure now that they're not from SS). My parents got a call from one of my cousins and have been in panic mode. They have barely let me out of their sight and have taken turns trying to convince me to go to hospital, which I've refused.

Today mum came in to talk to me, she sat down with me and said: "You know... if you ever did anything to yourself, it would devastate all of us forever. Me, your father, your brother, your grandparents. None of us would ever recover from that."

The way she said it was so angry and accusatory, like she was mad at the impact my mental illness was having on her, not on me. She didn't sound scared for me, she sounded scared of the impact my death might have on her life.

I burst into tears pretty much immediately and asked her to leave. Idk what to do.

After the police found out about my initial date for the 31st I moved it forward. Without disclosing it I'm supposed to be ctb in less than a week, I have my hotel booked, my SN, meto, everything I need, but I don't know how I'll manage to get away from them for long enough without alarm bells ringing.

They haven't found my SN but I know if I ever leave my room they'll turn it upside down looking for it. They know that a package arrived the day before the police turned up and that I won't tell them what it is, dad even asked me if it was "sodium nitrate" (wrong, but close).

My stress levels have been through the roof.

What do I do? Should I postpone and see if things cool down a bit or just go for it?

 

[Lucifer'sRight]

"You know... if you ever did anything to yourself, it would devastate all of us forever. Me, your father, your brother, your grandparents. None of us would ever recover from that."

It's so interesting when someone says one thing, like "i don't want to loose you" but their emotions clearly say something else, like "don't you fucking dare killing yourself you ungrateful child".. it's pure manipulation. It pisses me off. What about you? What about how you feel? With all respect, but someone who's suicidal doesn't deserve to have this shit on top of everything else.. as to the practical part... it depends how old are you, if you're a grown up then i doubt there is anything anyone can do to keep you locked up, just from the perspective of the law... i hate this society... i'm sorry this happened to you ♡

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

If you are an adult then legally they can't keep you there. I'm not sure what the procedure is if they call the police because they suspect that you went away to kill yourself. Although I'm sure that if there's nothing wrong with you a few times, the police won't start searching for you until you are long gone.
Waiting it out might be a good idea, just keep the SN safe. Maybe you could rent a storage box or something, but you might be able to hide it somewhere they wouldn't look.
As for the guilt trip, I've been there. The last thing they can say is how they'll feel, not me. The story ends there, a corpse cares about nothing.
I'm sorry that you've been put in such a tight situation, especially that it is all due to a random asshole.

 

[Brokensaddle]

Your going to have to change your plans. If you try to go to a hotel they are going to ask questions and possibly follow you. Another problem is the package, what if you have to go out, you can't have on 24/7. I would put the package in safe place and act normal and pretend that you were emotional and that you didn't mean to cause any harm with your words. This is the same excuse I used all the time with my mental health team and they believe me every time.

 

[Spitfire]

My stress levels have been through the roof.

What do I do? Should I postpone and see if things cool down a bit or just go for it?

If you are asking, I say postponing it sounds understandable in your situation.

Although, I believe this should be about you and only about what you want for yourself.

What trouble would it cause you if you were to postpone it? Does it really matter to you either way, if it is postponed or not? Why would you even postpone it? Do you want to postpone it and what will this do for you?

In any case, I hope your stress level goes down some between now and then for you.

 

[Lucifer'sRight]

You can actually call the police yourself they won't trace your call and ask about what can they do if a member of your family wants to kill themselves. If you sound concerned and ask you know "is there anything you can do, can you follow them of prevent them?" They won't even question if it's a genuine call. Just act as a die hard pro-life dead set on saving your cousin or child, and push them, because that's what your parents will do, to extract the most intrusive behavior they're allowed by law. It's also a HUGE emotional strain, so just ask yourself logically is there any chance that you won't kill yourself, if there isn't then no matter how bad you feel about it there's no point dwelling in guilt..

 

[fluffymuffin]

I advise you not to go for it. Your family will be alert to every single move you make, since they already know you're planning to CTB.

Can't you just wait till things cool off? And you should really consider hiding your SN for now.

 

[Lilacmoon]

You can actually call the police yourself they won't trace your call and ask about what can they do if a member of your family wants to kill themselves. If you sound concerned and ask you know "is there anything you can do, can you follow them of prevent them?" They won't even question if it's a genuine call. Just act as a die hard pro-life dead set on saving your cousin or child, and push them, because that's what your parents will do, to extract the most intrusive behavior they're allowed by law. It's also a HUGE emotional strain, so just ask yourself logically is there any chance that you won't kill yourself, if there isn't then no matter how bad you feel about it there's no point dwelling in guilt..

That sounds really smart actually. Act like your mother, AJ, find out what they can do if you do xyz, then adapt to those procedures.

Also hugs, I love you babe.

 

[Jumper Geo]

I know it's hard we CTB because we are in hell but families suffer the loss as well, I would reevaluate your situation as you are being closely watched, why not try and enjoy Christmas and look at 2021, you can't stay in your room, when you go out bring the SN with you it's not that big and will fit in a coat pocket.

Maybe tell your family what hell your in and how you feel on a daily basis you've got nothing to lose now, and leave your room,

Ps,

You better apologise to Marcus he had to write another large message about security,

Best wishes

Geo

 

[Rn110bg101]

From what I remember of American law (and depending on your funds) you could just go to a hotel far away for a couple of days. If the police finds you tell them you're fine you just need a break (because your family is overbearing/etc), then do it when they're gone. They shouldn't have to bring you back to your family if you're not a minor and unwilling, and I doubt they'd perform a wellness check twice in a row.

 

[Quinlor]

As some of you are aware, things have escalated for me since the police coming to my door on Friday. To put it simply, someone found my instagram and messaged members of my family through there with screenshots of one of my posts on another site (I know for sure now that they're not from SS). My parents got a call from one of my cousins and have been in panic mode. They have barely let me out of their sight and have taken turns trying to convince me to go to hospital, which I've refused.

Today mum came in to talk to me, she sat down with me and said: "You know... if you ever did anything to yourself, it would devastate all of us forever. Me, your father, your brother, your grandparents. None of us would ever recover from that."

The way she said it was so angry and accusatory, like she was mad at the impact my mental illness was having on her, not on me. She didn't sound scared for me, she sounded scared of the impact my death might have on her life.

I burst into tears pretty much immediately and asked her to leave. Idk what to do.

After the police found out about my initial date for the 31st I moved it forward. Without disclosing it I'm supposed to be ctb in less than a week, I have my hotel booked, my SN, meto, everything I need, but I don't know how I'll manage to get away from them for long enough without alarm bells ringing.

They haven't found my SN but I know if I ever leave my room they'll turn it upside down looking for it. They know that a package arrived the day before the police turned up and that I won't tell them what it is, dad even asked me if it was "sodium nitrate" (wrong, but close).

My stress levels have been through the roof.

What do I do? Should I postpone and see if things cool down a bit or just go for it?

Why you don't stop to thinking in cbt for a while... maybe your parents will forget the subject too

 

[Silver]

You could say the parcel was a birthday or even Christmas present you'd ordered for a friend, and show your parents something they haven't seen before, like a book. If you casually mention events you might go to in the future, maybe they will relax. But idk how you'd be able to leave the house if you daren't leave your room.

 

[MiseryLovesMyCompany]

Why you don't stop to thinking in cbt for a while... maybe your parents will forget the subject too

She doesn't have to stop thinking about it, just keep up the pretence that she did.

 

[Braindead Atheist]

You could say the parcel was a birthday or even Christmas present you'd ordered for a friend, and show your parents something they haven't seen before, like a book. If you casually mention events you might go to in the future, maybe they will relax. But idk how you'd be able to leave the house if you daren't leave your room.

They only want you here because they would miss you. It's their own biased opinion. They don't know what it's like to be you. They just know what it's like to be in the presence of you. The truth is, in about 20 years, you will still have a problem or a bad life and they will be dead. So if anything they are selfish, not you.
Don't feel guilty, it's your life and therefore your choice.

 

[AJ95]

Thank you for all the great advice guys, it means a lot.

I'm going to test the waters a bit the next few days and see if I can get away from them for example to go to the shops, to see if they'll let me get away at all.

I really don't want to postpone but I'll see how things go.

 

[SadGuyWannaDie]

I was in a similar situation but without the police involvement, after my daughter died I was on automatic suicide watch everybody knew what I was thinking about without me even saying it and I said it drunk too many times. I'm older but I'm staying with family and there were round the clock eyes on me. I did reserve a hotel room(aborted attempt later, fuck my life) and the only thing I could think to say was that a bunch of friends wanted me to get together for a party to try and pull me out of my funk and that's where I was going. I dropped hints about it for a week. Manipulated the ones watching me like a hawk with statements like "it's not like I feel my life is over I just wish I was never born sometimes and I just need to go blow off some steam", "I was in a dark place.. I TALKED about it so I didn't end up DOING it and I'm a pussy anyways I don't even like shots at the doctor's" and "everybody says things they don't mean sometimes I was in a shitty mood".

I can't tell you if that sort of thing applies to your situation but when they saw me pretend like I was going to turn it all around they dropped their guard and I did successfully leave without a scene. People were actually encouraging me to go to this party with friends that I lied about because I made it seem like I didn't know if I wanted to go. I kept saying "someone else I haven't seen in years messaged me and said they are gonna be there.. I don't know it would be nice to see them but I've got a lot on my mind". All of this was bullshit I don't have friends and no one messages me. I just acted like I was trying to decide wether or not to go to this "party" and everyone said "no you should go it would be good for you".

 

[peacechoice]

Hey hon, I hope you find your peace soon. It seems like your parents and everyone else is making it about themselves. They don't see the suffering. They just see their suffering. They say suicide is selfish, but refuse to see your pain. That is sickening to me. I hope you can make your exit peacefully!

anyways, I would definitely postpone until they let their guard down. I would pretend that I'm getting better just to put their guard down.