Parents fabricating people who they are incapable of loving

[X-sanguinate86]

I recently came to confront the sad reality that my parents never truly loved me. I always suspected it deep down but it was easier just to avoid it or try to tell myself they do ultimately care enough about me for appropriate reasons such that I can feel assured that they do love me as parents are supposed to love their children. I have finally come to accept it.

In the case of my parents it is in large part because they are incapable due to being emotionally underdeveloped losers but there's also an aspect of selfishness involved. I am sure they always cared more about my sibling for selfish power-worshipping reasons but I am not sure they even really love that one either. True, unconditional parental love is beyond their abilities.

How many people's parents do not or did not really love them? How big a contributing factor is that to people's lives turning into suicidal catastrophes? I think it happens more often than is generally acknowledged because both parents and their offspring won't like to admit it. It makes the parents seem like monstrous criminals (which they arguably are) and for the offspring accepting this reality is extremely unsettling.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

So far the majority think most parents do not truly love their children.

I put 25% because it seems so horrible to believe it could be most or even half. I think most have some sort of affection and concern for their children but it isn't true, unselfish, unconditional love. So I think I will revise my vote.

 

[telekon]

I just googled it because I'm lame and studies show 80% of people report not feeling unconditional love from their parents. I was just a reaaaally stupid and naive person to believe otherwise. I don't even know why I thought that and I feel like such an idiot now. They really couldn't care less about me.

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I just googled it because I'm lame and studies show 80% of people report not feeling unconditional love from their parents. I was just a reaaaally stupid and naive person to believe otherwise. I don't even know why I thought that and I feel like such an idiot now. They really couldn't care less about me.

Holy crap this is so appalling but I guess it's just reality. I just never wanted to believe this could be true but I guess I was also naive.

Do you think this was a strong contributor to your suicidality and things going wrong in your life? I think the conventional wisdom is that it would have a negative impact on just about anyone. In my case I am certain that they are the main reason for how badly my life has unfolded. I think even if I had been adopted by just any normal couple I'd have turned out relatively normal. Instead, I've been miserable and plagued with depression, anxiety and alienation my entire life which also resulted in failing at every career attempt and then finding my way, virtually friendless, to this website.

 

[meowpuppy]

Holy crap this is so appalling but I guess it's just reality. I just never wanted to believe this could be true but I guess I was also naive.

Do you think this was a strong contributor to your suicidality and things going wrong in your life? I think the conventional wisdom is that it would have a negative impact on just about anyone. In my case I am certain that they are the main reason for how badly my life has unfolded. I think even if I had been adopted by better parents I'd have turned out relatively normal. Instead, I've been miserable and plagued with depression, anxiety and alienation my entire life which also resulted in failing at every career attempt and then finding my way, virtually friendless, to this website.

I just googled it because I'm lame and studies show 80% of people report not feeling unconditional love from their parents. I was just a reaaaally stupid and naive person to believe otherwise. I don't even know why I thought that and I feel like such an idiot now. They really couldn't care less about me.

unfortunately, this result is not at all shocking to me. it's not even vindicating. i have always suspected, even if not critically, but emotionally, that most people only find it capable to love a select few other people, even when they try to do otherwise. i've just accepted that i am in this small group of people for basically nobody, and of those people, half of them live in seattle or something. that's why i try to show everybody at least a scrap of love, because everybody that i interact with are in a similar boat to me

 

[Seneca65AD]

To be honest, I am shocked at how high the number is. But then I realized the survey is only one side of a double-sided issue. If you ask my daughter whether my wife and I unconditionally love her, there are certainly times when she is going to say "No". However, I still maintain that we love her uncondtionally, demonstrated through our sacrifice to try to give her the best life possible, including assisting her to achieve her dreams.

Does that mean we never get frustrated with her? Hell no. But it does mean that there isn't anything we wouldn't do to keep her healthy and safe. Now, "happy" is another issue. I think she is happy most of the time but we still have to be "parents" and not "friends" which means curfews and giving her times to do homework, clean her room, clean up the dog-poop in the back-yard, etc.

My wife retired when she was born, and I am putting off my retirement to make sure she has the best start to be successful in life. I realize I am leaving myself open to the criticism from her later in life that she wanted spend more time with me, but then how am I going to make sure she gets to go to the national competitions all over the country? Parenting is a real trade-off - do I spend more time with daughter and I don't send her to private school, or do as many vacations, or make sure she she can do her sport at the highest level? Or do I spend more time with her and she does not have the same experiences? Right now, she is pursuing her dream so as long as she wants to continue, my wife and I will assist to the best of our ability.

To be clear, my wife works just as hard if not harder than me, She organizes everything for the household and specifically for our daughter. The one time I had to take over for her was a couple of years ago for 2 weeks when she had surgery. I damn near lost my mind getting my daughter to where she had to be, when she had to be there - and why does private school have 4 freaking uniforms to choose from depending upon the day and activity??? Formal, dress-down, swag and house!!! And don't get me started on the 1.5 hours of total drive time to get her to the appropriate coaching sessions 5 x per week.... these are the significant contributions my wife makes.

Obviously I fully understand that a large percentage of parents should not have had kids - I almost think there should be licensing process but then the government would screw that up just the same as they do everything else - but I wonder if there has been a study of kids who are parents themselves? I don't have the time to research it but I do believe a person's views change on the way they were raised if they have kids themselves.

Kids don't come with an instruction manual. My parents were broke as hell but they gave my sister and I as much as they could, and it was only when I got older that I realized they did the best they could with what they had..... and I fully believe they love me unconditionally - because they chose to spend their limited resources on me and my sister. And that also covers "emotional" resources. My mom spent way more time with me than my dad, but my dad was present when he was there.

So, how does one judge unconditional love while being a parent? That answer is way above my pay-grade but I know it involves giving our daughter what we can, be it financial or emotional resources (which are both finite and have to balanced with each other)......and based on that metric, my sister gave unconditionial love to her kids and we received it from our mom and dad. Hopefully our daughter realizes it but if she doesn't, then so be it, my wife and I will still give her unconditional love, even if she doesn't know it.