Paranoid Thoughts About Dying

[toms_space_station]

I grew up in a Catholic/Christian household and would regularly attend church as a child with my family.
They would teach things like heaven and hell, judgement day, etc.
As I grew older I slowly lost my belief in the existence of Jesus, or "God"

At one point I considered myself an atheist.
However, the belief of eternal punishment slowly came back to me.
I would have many dreams and out-of-body experiences (from sleep paralysis) in my lifetime.
I am aware logically that they are but brain activity that occurs during R.E.M. sleep.
But in my mind, they are the closest thing to experiencing a reality other than our own.
I felt that there was much more to this, as if it was the closest thing to death.. experiencing consciousness without a body.
After graduating high school, I began to read scriptures belonging to different religions/philosophies.
I would go on to learn about things such as Samsara, an infinitely repetitive cycle of life and death..
the idea where, you will be born again as another human or living being after death, only to experience more suffering as a result of your 'karma' and craving for pleasure.

And after several years of smoking illicit drugs, taking LSD, alcoholism, etc..
I began to view this as truth and could never let go of this idea.
I live in constant paranoia about the things I do and the people I have hurt or let down in my life.

I currently have a plan to CTB soon, and I cannot seem to be at peace with it like others can.
I know my death will cause trauma to my family, and I hate myself for it.
I constantly fathom this idea that this suffering will only continue in the next life.
I constantly fathom this idea that I will probably be born again to suffer for the trauma I have caused in this life.

I dont know if this is a sign of psychosis or schizophrenia, but I just wanted to vent and rant about what it is that goes through my head.
Might I add, that there are no amount of words that can fully describe what it is that I am feeling.
And I am not necessarily proficient with scriptures. Perhaps my beliefs are flawed.
But I am using them to justify my own death.

I can't make peace with it and I don't even know if I'll ever experience peace if I CTB.
But it must happen, my mission on Earth is over.

Thank you for reading

 

[esse_est_percipi]

It's a shame that all these religions were invented. They all purport to be 'the truth' about existence yet they are all incompatible, and the only thing they have in common is the constancy with which they drone on about suffering in perpetuity for not living according to their precepts.

If you had never come across any of these religions, would you have come up with these ideas of eternal hells, cycles of life suffering and death according to some mystical karmic force etc on your own?

My bet is that no one would have come up with these ideas on their own (e.g. if they were robinson crusoes on some island who had never had contact with 'civilization'), since they were invented in specific historical and sociocultural settings by people in dynamical interpersonal relations of power for purposes of controlling and influencing the behaviors of others, mainly through fear.
That doesn't logically make them false, but it does reduce the chances of them being sudden spontaneous revelations about the truth of existence.

 

[Xocoyotziin]

I can relate to this.

 

[Good4Nothing]

Maybe this life is our punishment, and when our life ends, so does the punishment.
Maybe we'll be rewarded on the other side for catching the bus. For being brave enough to say "no more", and put an end to our suffering.
Or maybe the afterlife is whatever we imagine it to be, and if we believe in hell then we condemn ourselves to it.
I'm just spitballing, I'm not spiritual.
I think when we die we'll experience exactly what we experienced for the billions of years we didn't exist: nothing.

 

[MariV]

Maybe this life is our punishment, and when our life ends, so does the punishment.
Maybe we'll be rewarded on the other side for catching the bus. For being brave enough to say "no more", and put an end to our suffering.
Or maybe the afterlife is whatever we imagine it to be, and if we believe in hell then we condemn ourselves to it.
I'm just spitballing, I'm not spiritual.
I think when we die we'll experience exactly what we experienced for the billions of years we didn't exist: nothing.

you experienced nothingness? ive only experienced "beingness"

 

[Good4Nothing]

you experienced nothingness? ive only experienced "beingness"

Well, no, I didn't experience anything. I didn't exist. I have a hard time finding the vocabulary to express my feelings sometimes, and it's led to some very painful misunderstandings lately.
Thank you for reminding me that I talk too much, and I should really learn to just STFU and mind my own business.

 

[woxihuanni]

I read up to samsara. Do yourself a kindness, don't buy it.

 

[woxihuanni]

Well, no, I didn't experience anything. I didn't exist. I have a hard time finding the vocabulary to express my feelings sometimes, and it's led to some very painful misunderstandings lately.
Thank you for reminding me that I talk too much, and I should really learn to just STFU and mind my own business.

You are perfectly clear. Don't shut up at all.

 

[toms_space_station]

I read up to samsara. Do yourself a kindness, don't buy it.

I have tried not to, in a way perhaps, maybe I'm gullible or easily persuaded.
The reason I came across this idea is because I was unaware of my mental illness for a long time and was looking for some kind of 'faith' or rather, an explanation of why I seem to suffer and punish myself so much. At the time I thought it was normal for me to be this way and that I should just 'snap out of it' like my family would say.

Then one day I came across this specific scripture/translation, I did not know what to expect.
Every page was like a literal trip because it solidified and structured what I had already speculated and believed in, in regards to meditation, suffering, consciousness, addictions, Time, death, etc.
It gave many stories based on hinduism/buddhism that help anatomize those concepts (they made it clear that these are just stories, and that the message behind it is what's important).

The stories came across as brutally honest, and gave messages with this tone that says:
'Nothing and no one matters. None of it is real. Nothing you do in this life, world, or universe truly matters.'
Very much unlike what I had learned in Catholic church.

So maybe its not just the 'samsara' or 'reincarnation' alone that I grew attached to,
it was this core idea of 'liberating' yourself from pain and suffering;
it was this concept of experiencing 'bliss' from losing your identity of 'self' and getting rid of all desires and addictions.
There was also the mutual agreement that we are not significant and are easily vulnerable to the every day physical and psychological dangers/addictions of the world and 'beyond'.

 

[woxihuanni]

I have tried not to, in a way perhaps, maybe I'm gullible or easily persuaded.
The reason I came across this idea is because I was unaware of my mental illness for a long time and was looking for some kind of 'faith' or rather, an explanation of why I seem to suffer and punish myself so much. At the time I thought it was normal for me to be this way and that I should just 'snap out of it' like my family would say.

Then one day I came across this specific scripture/translation, I did not know what to expect.
Every page was like a literal trip because it solidified and structured what I had already speculated and believed in, in regards to meditation, suffering, consciousness, addictions, Time, death, etc.
It gave many stories based on hinduism/buddhism that help anatomize those concepts (they made it clear that these are just stories, and that the message behind it is what's important).

The stories came across as brutally honest, and gave messages with this tone that says:
'Nothing and no one matters. None of it is real. Nothing you do in this life, world, or universe truly matters.'
Very much unlike what I had learned in Catholic church.

So maybe its not just the 'samsara' or 'reincarnation' alone that I grew attached to,
it was this core idea of 'liberating' yourself from pain and suffering;
it was this concept of experiencing 'bliss' from losing your identity of 'self' and getting rid of all desires and addictions.
There was also the mutual agreement that we are not significant and are easily vulnerable to the every day physical and psychological dangers/addictions of the world and 'beyond'.

You were/are vulnerable and this kind of thinking exploits vulnerable people. There is already a name for that goal, 'liberation' as these guys call it: death. We will all die anyway, everybody has a right to live before that. Life is not a sin or mental disease to get rid of.

It is not wrong to have a self. You are suffering because you are doubtful of yourself. Do not vilify self, embrace it.

 

[TooConscious]

I'm the same mate I try to see it as SI. Feel like I'm damned if I do damed if I don't. The God's And devils all hate me it seems as I feel as if my life is just bad enough to not lose my sanity (therefore not be 'ME') or instinctively attempt suicide.

 

[Meditation guide]

I constantly fathom this idea that this suffering will only continue in the next life.
I constantly fathom this idea that I will probably be born again to suffer for the trauma I have caused in this life.

You can drive yourself crazy with "what if"s. What if this happens what if that happens. We don't even know if karma really exists. You will probably be reborn at some point but not too much to do about that unless maybe you can live like a buddhist monk.

It's not so much the trauma you have caused in this life because it's hard to get through any life without causing trauma of some kind. It's the things that you worry about the most, that upset you the most, that you will be reborn to work out.

If there is some sort of trauma that YOU had to deal with, it is that which you will be reborn and have to work on.
So in THIS lifetime, try to figure out the dominant theme which has bothered you the most and learn as much about it as you can.

 

[FatalSystemError591]

I grew up Christian, I'm Agnostic now with a Wicca fascination, it took me a long time to learn the programming of "there is even more suffering after this, good luck!" Because there is no way I'm getting into their heaven.

When I die, I just don't want to wake up and be me. Anything else would be just fine.