paralyzed by inaction

[thronesick]

anyone else thought they were gonna ctb and/or attempted to which enabled them to abandon real life responsibilities and its now coming full circle?


i saw this post one time and it was the confession of anonymous woman who explained how she thought she was gonna but five years prior but she didn't so she didn't make a plan for her future and now she doesn't know what she's doing. for me, that really stuck with me because every year i become hyper focused on a plan and so sure i'm gonna do it but something gets in the way the reason most often being because i'm a coward. the concept of suicide is easy. a high rise building is readily accessible a bridge is readily accessible a train a rope etc. you can be so sure about this decision but your brain reinforces a instinctual drive to avoid life-threatening situations to override impulsivity. i wish sometimes i could just sever my prefrontal cortex and amygdala so this wouldn't be a issue. i worry i'll abandon my school work and responsibilities just to fail my attempt and that's not factored in the real world. people don't care that's the problem. like right now im here instead of studying for my ap psych exam but since i'm convinced i'll ctb in about a week or so i don't feel any urgency even though there's always the itching feeling it's gonna bite me in the ass.

 

[tirednwired]

This is kind of me right now. I was supposed to be gone 2 months ago. Now I'm just hanging out and don't know what to do lol. I think for now my plan is to establish a future (or at least the idea of one) for myself, and when the time comes to ctb at least I can say I tried until the end. Best of luck on the ap psych exam if you end up taking it! I took the class a few years ago and it wasn't so bad imo.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I definitely have to battle this happening every single day. I don't feel the freedom to be able to go now though. I still want to wait for my Dad to go first. So- I know my path is life at the moment. That said- I'm not looking to improve life and I'm not working towards a bright future either. In fact, in the short-term, I derive much more pleasure from doing nothing or procrastinating/ relaxing.

So, all but the most pressing things, I find sometimes verging on torturous to motivate myself to do. Which I realise must sound ridiculous to a lot of people.

I suppose I feel like all I need to do is tread water but just doing that takes so much effort. I wish we could be NEET without having to rely on our parents. Or, at least I wish the pressure to earn money wasn't there.

I suppose I know long-term I'm screwed if I don't kill myself! I have no provision for much of a pension. I suppose I'm hoping that will give me more fuel/ motivation to actually CTB though. Like gradually painting myself into the corner with a noose hanging there waiting.

 

[Johnzaga23]

I have exams in a week. Ive been idle for the past 3 months or so. I was planning to CBT, but im dragging it. Those exams are crucial, and I didnt study for the past months I have no hope in passing them. I promised that im gonna pass them, or else my parents will stop supporting me and I would have to drop out. Dropping out is not an acceptable option. I spend my whole life studying to get a better future. I was living my whole life on the future rather on the present. I cannot leave all this work behind. Its the one thing that I am proud of. But due to factors like mental issues, choosing the wrong major, social issues here i am. I fucked up and lost the very last thing I had. I hope I find the guts to CBT the next days.

 

[Gangrel]

I legit didn't brush my teeth or barely showered for like a year, abandoned all classes and just stopped going, didn't pay bills or anything, i was going to kill myself who cares, well i am still here. Dumb fuck i tell you.