I found SaSu in October when my wife and family left me and stopped all communication. They cut me off completely without any notice or reason. I still send cards and gifts to my kids on birthdays and Christmas. The only communication I receive is through my attorney. My estranged wife was had unrealistic expectations of what I would be able to provide for spousal support. My attorney suggested we sell our house. I was so numb, I agreed. We had an offer that fell through, and I felt relieved. Another offer came in, but the close on the sell of the house was accelerated. I was given only two weeks to find a place, pack up a large 3 bedroom home and move. I reached out to my wife to see when she and the kids (adults) could pack and move their stuff. Crickets. I went with my realtor this weekend in an attempt to find a place to live. Rentals that cost the same amount as my house payment are complete dumps. So far, we haven't found anything. I have to travel for work the week of closing, which means I have to pack up my stuff and move by March 12. One week. I still have to work this week. I typically work 12 hours a day. On top of that, I have a degenerative bone disease that has impacted my neck and shoulder. I can't raise my hand higher than my shoulder and have excruciating pain and bone on bone grinding if I lift anything more than 15 - 20 pounds. My wife and one of the adult kids do not work. They are literally just sitting around all day. I don't see how I'm going to be able to get it done. I have no one here that can help me. I work remotely, so no workmates are close to help with the move.
I look back at how our relationship started. We met in college. I was 17 and she was 19. She had to leave at Thanksgiving due to financial hardship. Her dad and mom came to pick her up and decided to meet me. Her dad, just meeting me, asked me to come to their house for Christmas. I agreed thinking that they must like me. On December 26, my girlfriend (wife) and I went for a walk. When we returned, her brothers and sisters were crying and her sister told her that their dad ran off with a lady from the church (he was a pastor). He cashed in a life insurance policy and took the families only vehicle. He invited me to cushion the blow. What a piece of shit, right? Anyone that meets me will tell you that I have a servant mentality. I try to help people. It becomes duty. This incident threw us together. She never dealt with what her dad did. In addition, she would rage whenever any of her siblings made contact, sent cards or spent time with their dad. My bio dad abandoned me and my sister when we were 4 and 5. He rarely sent cards and never paid child support. He liked to show up for the big things (graduation, weddings, etc.), but was absent the other times. It hurt when I was younger (middle school), but eventually I let it go. I'm not mad at him, but I also don't have any feelings for him, at least no more than I would a casual acquaintance. I was thankful I had a stepdad who adopted my sister and I. To this day, I refer to my bio dad by his name, and my stepdad as dad.
My oldest is expecting the first grandchild next month. She won't speak to me. She told me I was a terrible dad. I asked her to explain what I did or didn't do and she refuses to explain. I never beat my kids, I never drank, never did drugs. I never cheated on their mom. I provided a home, food, cars, wedding, clothes, and a family vacation every year. I understand when kids get mad at their parents, but this is not reciprocal. She and her husband both disrespected me a year and a half ago, and I let it go. Now I'm the bad guy and won't be permitted to see my grandchild. I've sent money for them to buy the baby stuff, but haven't received so much as a thank you.
I talk to my mom and she makes the whole thing I'm going through now all about her. The whole thing. How hurt she is by it. She interrupts and preaches to me about what I need to do and says it always works out. I told her that that was bullshit. It's just something people say. "Works out" is another way of saying get over it and move on. On top of that she insinuates things about my wife and kids that hurt me even more. I tell her I don't want to to talk about those things because I can't do anything about it and it just hurts me more. She continues to do it every time she calls. Before someone jumps in and says stop taking her calls, she will call the local emergency services to do a wellness check. Friday night she called. I told her I was tired and had to get up early on Saturday. She kept me on the phone for two hours. Most of the time just telling me how hurt she is and how my sister, who rarely talks to me or my kids, when on my daughter's social media and found some shocking stuff before my daughter made her stuff private. Apparently my daughter found her aunt snooping and made all SM private. What little window I had into her world is now gone. To satisfy their morbid curiosity, I got f*cked. I didn't have an account, so I could browse anonymously. My sister was logged into her account and my daughter saw it.
I had gotten better for a while. I had repetitious tasks that helped me cope. Daily routines and functions. Same food (every day). It didn't feel like thriving, but I was surviving. I though maybe if I could last another 6 or 9 months I would be ok and could start to re-introduce things that I enjoyed. Now I just don't see it happening. I can't deal with everything on this abbreviated timeline. I feel like the only reason for my existence is to create product my my work, fund my wife's lifestyle, and give my immediate family Schadenfreude. I have stopped doing my routine tasks. I don't look forward to anything. There is no joy in anything. I've prayed incessantly for days. Not just to fix this, but to help me cope and get through it. That I could find something to live for, and the answer never comes. I feel completely abandoned and alone.
I've always been against using a gun to suicide, but I've decided I will try my original method (CO), but take a gun with me if that doesn't work. I can't go on.
I look back at how our relationship started. We met in college. I was 17 and she was 19. She had to leave at Thanksgiving due to financial hardship. Her dad and mom came to pick her up and decided to meet me. Her dad, just meeting me, asked me to come to their house for Christmas. I agreed thinking that they must like me. On December 26, my girlfriend (wife) and I went for a walk. When we returned, her brothers and sisters were crying and her sister told her that their dad ran off with a lady from the church (he was a pastor). He cashed in a life insurance policy and took the families only vehicle. He invited me to cushion the blow. What a piece of shit, right? Anyone that meets me will tell you that I have a servant mentality. I try to help people. It becomes duty. This incident threw us together. She never dealt with what her dad did. In addition, she would rage whenever any of her siblings made contact, sent cards or spent time with their dad. My bio dad abandoned me and my sister when we were 4 and 5. He rarely sent cards and never paid child support. He liked to show up for the big things (graduation, weddings, etc.), but was absent the other times. It hurt when I was younger (middle school), but eventually I let it go. I'm not mad at him, but I also don't have any feelings for him, at least no more than I would a casual acquaintance. I was thankful I had a stepdad who adopted my sister and I. To this day, I refer to my bio dad by his name, and my stepdad as dad.
My oldest is expecting the first grandchild next month. She won't speak to me. She told me I was a terrible dad. I asked her to explain what I did or didn't do and she refuses to explain. I never beat my kids, I never drank, never did drugs. I never cheated on their mom. I provided a home, food, cars, wedding, clothes, and a family vacation every year. I understand when kids get mad at their parents, but this is not reciprocal. She and her husband both disrespected me a year and a half ago, and I let it go. Now I'm the bad guy and won't be permitted to see my grandchild. I've sent money for them to buy the baby stuff, but haven't received so much as a thank you.
I talk to my mom and she makes the whole thing I'm going through now all about her. The whole thing. How hurt she is by it. She interrupts and preaches to me about what I need to do and says it always works out. I told her that that was bullshit. It's just something people say. "Works out" is another way of saying get over it and move on. On top of that she insinuates things about my wife and kids that hurt me even more. I tell her I don't want to to talk about those things because I can't do anything about it and it just hurts me more. She continues to do it every time she calls. Before someone jumps in and says stop taking her calls, she will call the local emergency services to do a wellness check. Friday night she called. I told her I was tired and had to get up early on Saturday. She kept me on the phone for two hours. Most of the time just telling me how hurt she is and how my sister, who rarely talks to me or my kids, when on my daughter's social media and found some shocking stuff before my daughter made her stuff private. Apparently my daughter found her aunt snooping and made all SM private. What little window I had into her world is now gone. To satisfy their morbid curiosity, I got f*cked. I didn't have an account, so I could browse anonymously. My sister was logged into her account and my daughter saw it.
I had gotten better for a while. I had repetitious tasks that helped me cope. Daily routines and functions. Same food (every day). It didn't feel like thriving, but I was surviving. I though maybe if I could last another 6 or 9 months I would be ok and could start to re-introduce things that I enjoyed. Now I just don't see it happening. I can't deal with everything on this abbreviated timeline. I feel like the only reason for my existence is to create product my my work, fund my wife's lifestyle, and give my immediate family Schadenfreude. I have stopped doing my routine tasks. I don't look forward to anything. There is no joy in anything. I've prayed incessantly for days. Not just to fix this, but to help me cope and get through it. That I could find something to live for, and the answer never comes. I feel completely abandoned and alone.
I've always been against using a gun to suicide, but I've decided I will try my original method (CO), but take a gun with me if that doesn't work. I can't go on.
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