Outliving 2 partners and a daughter as well as most of my friends.

[ChesterCopperpot]

I don't really know what I'm hoping to garner from this post, but I'll put it out into the ether and see.

I have outlived 2 partners, a daughter, a younger brother and all, but 3 of my peers. I'm 34 now. Soon to be 35. My first suicide attempt was I think around 8 or 9 years old. I'm tallying a double digit number of attempts by now. Whether the people mentioned caught the bus, were sick or in one case, murdered.. I have this horrible survivor's guilt.

My health is total shit both mentally and physically by now. Every year creeps a little more. I seem to achieve less, atrophy more, compromise with myself more and bargain. "1 more year. If it's still like this, I can go." etc.

I can't qualify for disability, but I am unable to do any physical labor at this stage. I can still do I.T. or remote work, but nobody seems to be willing to hire me. I've lived in a near million dollar home at one point in my life and now can't even get a job at McDonald's.

I don't know what to do. I feel no love. No joy. Anhedonia is certainly on the menu. What's funny to me is that I am the most sober and have the healthiest diet I have ever had and am in the worst physical, financial, emotional and mental place I have ever been.

I don't know. I'll talk about any of the aforementioned events listed if anyone wants to ask. I lost my daughter at 20-21 for a timeline of sorts or a frame of reference.

 

[soonatpeace777888]

Wow, what a horrible thing to lose a daughter at such a young age. It certainly seems your family and friends aren't the luckiest people in the world.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful what you've had to go through, existence certainly is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

 

[ChesterCopperpot]

Wow, what a horrible thing to lose a daughter at such a young age. It certainly seems your family and friends aren't the luckiest people in the world.

it certainly wasn't fun. the mother cbt and i tried to follow suit shortly thereafter a few times and lived. it took me a really long time to be comfortable even having partners or sex after that. i had another really bad break when a partner relapsed and od'd during mutual sobriety. idk that i have or will ever fully feel whole again.

It must be really dreadful what you've had to go through, existence certainly is too cruel. But anyway best wishes.

sorry if i'm not multi quoting correctly. i'm on my phone replying. existence is a joke tbh and i'm not sure why i'm still around.