Venting Opening up to family about feeling suicidal

[botanormal]

Hey everyone! I'm feeling pretty frustrated about something, and I just feel like I need to vent about it. So please feel free to ignore this post, I know it's very long haha. I decided to put part of this in a spoiler, so it'll be easier to see my main point without all the extra reading.

Spoiler

So, usually in real life, I mention my mental health issues and talk about feeling suicidal from time to time. Mostly around my mother, I live with her and I haven't got the energy to 'put up a front' as a lot of people do, so I'm usually very open about my feelings. Sometimes I just bring it up casually, but sometimes I mention it more seriously, but no matter what I say my mother usually just laughs it off. She's the type of person who hates talking about these issues, other members of my family struggle with their own mental health problems too, and she always gets very angry when it is brought up.

Lately I have been feeling a lot worse, and it feels really crappy to be laughed at, so I decided to mention it to her with a more serious tone. At first, she just started joking about it again, but I really tried my best to reiterate that I was feeling awful. After that she stopped laughing, and complained that I was only bringing this up to 'guilt her into giving me something'. I'm not really sure why she thought that, I told her that it wasn't like that, but it took a lot of convincing to get her to change her mind. So finally she tells me to just tell her why I'm so suicidal, but at that point I felt so defeated I just decided to drop it. She seemed pretty mad that I was talking about it, I knew she was feeling a bit sleepy so I figured I'd wait until the next day, so we could have a proper conversation. It's not like I wanted to unload all my baggage onto her, I just wanted her to understand me more, I thought it would feel nice if I could talk to her. She is my mother, after all.

So the next day, I come down to talk to her more. This was on new year's eve, and she was feeling really lonely because she had nobody to spend time with. She told me that I was the only one around to help, so I ended up spending the entire time with her, up until she got tired and went to bed. She was drinking a lot, and wanted me to drink with her, so we both ended up getting drunk. When she's drunk, she's a lot nicer to me, and we ended up talking a bunch that night. First, she started crying about the difficulties of her life, and how she needed me to help fix things for her. She always mentions that I'm the only person she feels comfortable opening up to, and she tells me that I'm the only person who can help fix her issues, because I'm the only one living in the house with her. So she constantly asks me to help her with things, like tidying up after her, or helping her with her diet, or going with her to places she's too anxious to go to alone, things like that. She tells me these things make her miserable, and I'm the only person who can fix it, so I always do my best to make her feel better and help her with these things in general. I'm always there for her when she needs it, so I thought that this would result in her doing the same for me.

So I was talking to my mother for a long time about her issues and at some point, the conversation turned to me, and my mum was asking about work, and just things going on in my life. And she was really listening too! I asked her if she would be okay listening to some of my deeper struggles, like she said she'd be able to the night before. She told me it was okay, and kept listening. Lately I have been really struggling with the childhood trauma I went through, the memories feel overwhelming and it's been really difficult to deal with. She doesn't know about most of it, so I brought it up. Of course, I didn't go into any specifics, I just mentioned that lately I have been struggling with past trauma, and it's been making me want to die. She then got very angry and sad, she told me I was making her upset, and that I was mean for even bringing it up. She started to cry, and started talking about how I was calling her a 'horrible mother, after everything she does to help me'. I assured her that wasn't what I meant, I told her that the trauma wasn't anything to do with her, that it wasn't anything she did. She was still very mad though, and she told me to 'just get over it', and then went up to bed.

I know this is what I should've expected. I know I shouldn't be upset by this, because this is exactly the type of reaction she usually gives to these things. I know it was my fault for bringing it up, and I should've known better. But it still just sucks so badly. Especially when she told me to 'get over it', like I was just complaining about losing some coins in the sofa or something. Those words have been running through my mind since this happened, after everything I have done to try and 'get over it', I just feel so gross for even thinking about this. She told me she'd listen properly, but she didn't even let me finish before she got mad. I always listen to her issues, even when she puts it all on me to fix them, I still do everything I can do help her. But she didn't even let me finish.

Spoiler

It's been a couple days since then now, and she's just going on like usual, even though she knows it upset me. When I told her that it had, she looked at me with a very condescending expression, and just said 'alright then', and tried her best to ignore me. Because I guess she thinks I'm too emotional. Maybe I am too emotional, but I can't help it. I just feel so disgusting, and it feels even worse knowing my own mother would think the same, if I ever told her about it in more detail. She thinks people with mental health issues are immature, overly-emotional, and just lesser than people who don't have any issues. And growing up, she has always pushed these ideas onto me, so I've always been very embarrassed of these parts of me, and I've always tried to avoid going into any details. But lately I have just been more open, because I guess there was a part of me that wanted to feel less ashamed, so I would have the courage to seek therapy or something. I don't want that anymore, I don't want anybody who knows me personally to ever know I am this weak of a person, and how disgusting I am. If anybody knew how disgusting I am, I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. Bringing this up was a stupid idea, and it will be a lot better if I just keep these memories to myself, and they can just die with me.

I'm sorry for this giant rant, I always find myself going into way more detail than necessary, but I just had to let it all out! I know it isn't the end of the world or anything, and my mother can be caring sometimes, so I know I am lucky to have her. I just wish she'd understand me more, and try to accept me. If anybody has read this far, thank you for taking the time, I hope this made sense, I'm a bit emotional right now so I just can't tell haha. Does anybody else have bad experiences opening up to their family? It feels so upsetting to hear these kinds of things, especially from my own mother, and it's been on my mind ever since it happened. Thank you for reading, I'm sending big hugs to everyone!

 

[WornOutLife]

Darling, your posts are never annoying or disturbing. I love reading you.

I feel SO MUCH like you! You know, my mother is amazing but at the same time, she is mentally sick (schizophrenia), so it can be hell and there's no way she can understand my feelings.

I can only tell you that you're amazing girl. You always do your best to post replies on any threads and I can see you really care about the people here on SS.

I wish I could help you more but well, at least, you can talk to me by DM or whatever whenever you feel like.

Thanks for being such a great human being.

I really like you.

Lots of love and hugs to you!!

 

[botanormal]

Darling, your posts are never annoying or disturbing. I love reading you.

I feel SO MUCH like you! You know, my mother is amazing but at the same time, she is mentally sick (schizophrenia), so it can be hell and there's no way she can understand my feelings.

I can only tell you that you're amazing girl. You always do your best to post replies on any threads and I can see you really care about the people here on SS.

I wish I could help you more but well, at least, you can talk to me by DM or whatever whenever you feel like.

Thanks for being such a great human being.

I really like you.

Lots of love and hugs to you!!

Thank you so much for this lovely response. It warms my heart to know how caring and supportive you are, alongside everybody else in this community. I'm sorry you can also relate to this, it just feels so isolating to be misunderstood by your own mother. I love reading your posts too, and I really appreciate this one as well! Sending lots of love and hugs back.

 

[Ghost2211]

It's really hard when we want our loved ones to hear us and understand. Unfortunately they usually can't. It's sad to hear so much responsibility is put on you to emotionally help family, but you don't get the same in return. You're such a sweet giving person. I'm always happy to read and listen.

 

[NeverSatisfied]

I read your post, spoilers and all, in its entirety. It is NEVER the job of the child to fix the parent or their life in any way, shape or form. I think this is a for of "Parentification": where she's placing you in the role of the parent often (I believe this is a form of abuse). You don't deserve any of that or to have parts of your childhood and young adulthood stolen from you.

My mom does the "leaning on me for attention and love" thing too because she sucks but she's never told me to fix her problems. You're not weak, you've been catering to an adult for so long and should focus on you a bit more. Also, you're not weak for opening up to anyone about your problems, that takes a great deal of strength not many people have to do irl. If you want to see a therapist, see a therapist who will actually care for you instead of it being the other way around. Whether or not you ctb it'd be a nice experience to have and one that a kind soul like yours especially deserves. Many hugs

 

[Pookie]

Sometimes people respond in anger because they're frustrated that they can't make you happy or sometimes they feel hurt that they're not enough. I hope this is the case with your mother, otherwise it must be very upsetting that she appears to be so unsupportive regarding your struggles. Also telling you to "get over it" is harsh. Sometimes all we need is a listening ear and to feel validated.

 

[x~Sophia~x]

The couple of lines that stuck with me throughout reading through the whole thing were "she doesnt know about most of it, so I brought it up. Of course, I didn't go into any specifics."
I'm left wondering how you expect her to understand your feeling the need to ctb, if she doesn't know why you're struggling. Is there a reason why you can't, 'go into any specifics'?

 

[botanormal]

It's really hard when we want our loved ones to hear us and understand. Unfortunately they usually can't. It's sad to hear so much responsibility is put on you to emotionally help family, but you don't get the same in return. You're such a sweet giving person. I'm always happy to read and listen.

I really appreciate this Rosey, I'm glad that I am understood here, I just wish my mother could understand in the same way. It seems like it's just impossible for some people though, sometimes there's just nothing that can be done. Thank you for your thoughtful response, it really makes me feel better.

I read your post, spoilers and all, in its entirety. It is NEVER the job of the child to fix the parent or their life in any way, shape or form. I think this is a for of "Parentification": where she's placing you in the role of the parent often (I believe this is a form of abuse). You don't deserve any of that or to have parts of your childhood and young adulthood stolen from you.

My mom does the "leaning on me for attention and love" thing too because she sucks but she's never told me to fix her problems. You're not weak, you've been catering to an adult for so long and should focus on you a bit more. Also, you're not weak for opening up to anyone about your problems, that takes a great deal of strength not many people have to do irl. If you want to see a therapist, see a therapist who will actually care for you instead of it being the other way around. Whether or not you ctb it'd be a nice experience to have and one that a kind soul like yours especially deserves. Many hugs

Thank you for taking the time to read everything, it really does mean a lot to me, to feel heard. I have felt kind of similarly in the past, however whenever I have mentioned it to my mother, she cries and tells me how unhappy she feels, so I can't really stop supporting her. I just wish she paid attention to me in the same way. I'm so sorry your mother did that to you, you don't deserve to shoulder her emotional state either. I really am grateful for such a lovely response, you are a very sweet person for giving it so much care and thought. I will take your kind advice into consideration, I really appreciate it. I'm sending many hugs too.

Sometimes people respond in anger because they're frustrated that they can't make you happy or sometimes they feel hurt that they're not enough. I hope this is the case with your mother, otherwise it must be very upsetting that she appears to be so unsupportive regarding your struggles. Also telling you to "get over it" is harsh. Sometimes all we need is a listening ear and to feel validated.

I really do hope that this is the case too, I want to continue to support my mother, it's just so difficult knowing she cannot completely support me in the same way. But I will try my best to give her the benefit of the doubt! Thank you for your understanding, it means a lot.

The couple of lines that stuck with me throughout reading through the whole thing were "she doesnt know about most of it, so I brought it up. Of course, I didn't go into any specifics."
I'm left wondering how you expect her to understand your feeling the need to ctb, if she doesn't know why you're struggling. Is there a reason why you can't, 'go into any specifics'?

Our conversation wasn't a very long one, so there wasn't really an opportunity for that. But most of all, I just wanted to try and see her reaction before I mentioned anything further. If she had maybe been more open and understanding to it when I first mentioned I was struggling with trauma, I might've been comfortable explaining. But this is something I feel very humiliated by, and it is very hard to talk about openly, especially to somebody who wouldn't try to understand. So when she started getting angry and upset, before I had really explained anything, I just got the vibe she wouldn't want to know anything else. I mean, she left the room before I could say anything anyways. But if I had opened up about the specifics, I know it would change her opinions on me, and I wasn't ready to do that until I knew she was comfortable hearing about it. I hope that makes sense, maybe it doesn't, I just know my mother very well, and I know the type of way she reacts to things, so if she seems closed off about something from the beginning, I know that adding more detail would only make her react even more negatively.

 

[Pookie]

II really do hope that this is the case too, I want to continue to support my mother, it's just so difficult knowing she cannot completely support me in the same way. But I will try my best to give her the benefit of the doubt! Thank you for your understanding, it means a lot.

It just seems that your mother is very needy and is therefore in no position to help you. She may also be operating from a position of fear. Anger is sometimes a fear response and perhaps she's afraid of losing you, whether emotionally or physically. She may "need" you to be happy and fine for her so that you can keep on supporting her the way she likes it and that's really unfair. She's an adult and should be able to take care of herself instead of leaning on you so much. You need support in return and it doesn't appear to be a symbiotic relationship, it seems that there is some sort of co-dependency at play here. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this.

And of course it goes without saying that your mother's reaction is no reflection on you.

 

[NodusTollens]

Oh Botanormal, you can share anytime, your thoughts & feelings are valid.
—hugs—

I want to commend you for standing up for yourself and your feelings, trauma's effects can be debilitating & that fact that you tried more than once to bring it up is admirable.

I'm sorry you're feeling frustrated & overwhelmed by the weight of your trauma, I can't imagine what you're going through. Though, I do understand what it's like to reach out to a parent about mental health concerns only to be rejected, & it is defeating, you couldn't be more right about that. I understand that your mother's behaviour was disheartening, though I hope you aren't blaming yourself. You're a kind soul & you don't deserve to take on her negative feelings. <3

 

[Yiyo123]

I can relate... I don't have friends. So I talk to my parents and they simply ignore my mental health conditions. They avoid any conversation regarding my mental well being or stabily. It's like nothing happens. I get it, they are old. But when I try to open up to them is useless.

My older brother is most open minded (he is a doctor). My mid brother is a complete ass. He simply believes that major depression disorder is an episode of temporary sadness. I tried to explain but it was all about him and nothing about me (he tends to compare his life's issues and past situations with mine). He doesn't help me in any way. It's really sad that your own family ignores you and treat you like a freak or a crazy and unatable person. They know i'm suicidal. I've been for years. In fact, my grandmother killed herself before I was born. So it runs inthe family.

I gave up on life a long time ago... i'm tired of it. I'm just trying to hold on but it's so hard. It's been a long time since I tried to kill myself. I can't do it right now... but everyday i wish it would be my last.

I'm sorry to bother you people, but this is the only place i can "talk" about these things. I don't see the point in living a meaningless life. I feel so empty, so dissapointed, frustrated and even guilty.

But as i said in previous posts, i can't ctb right now. When i'm ready, maybe i'll post it. Time will tell.

And once again, thank you for reading. English is not my primary language, so forgive me
if i spelled something wrong.

 

[sadworld]

I'm sorry that you had to go through such overwhelming trauma. You are one of the most lovely and caring people I've ever met and you definitely don't deserve to struggle that much. It's always hard to open up with mental health problems, especially to your parents. You have a lot of courage to do so! I'm always too afraid to do it... I admire you for being so brave! It almost seems like you are the parent for her... I feel like therapy could actually help in your case, especially because you are so brave to bring all of it up...
I wish your family could be there for you more but they seem to go trough their own struggles and they don't want to deal with your problems too. I'm sorry... At least you have us on SS! We'll always listen and give you all the and you need!

 

[Deleted member 23009]

First of all you shouldn't be ashamed of anything. You are the most wonderful person and you always show how big and caring your heart is. Just because your mother doesn't understand you and have made you feel embarrassed about these parts of you won't make it true. A lot of people don't understand mental health issues, and sadly a lot of the time it's our own family. They just think we're going through a bad period and we'll just have to "get over it", but as you said it's not a small deal at all. It's something that affects every second of your life. I know personally how much you struggle and what an amazing soul you are. Parents so often get into a defensive stance because they feel attacked on their parenting and that they have done something wrong, which might be the case but it's not always the case. And instead of listening and giving support they get selfish and angry. I'm so sorry she got upset and went to bed, I know how hard this is for you.

As you already know, my parents support me but they really don't understand either. So at the same time it feels good with their support and care I also know they have no idea what they are talking about and will never understand it. That's why therapy is a lot better than bringing it up to family members. Especially if they have a negative view on mental health in general. But I know how much you've tried and you're always free to vent.

But as I tell you all day every day, you are the most beautiful person I've ever met. So don't let your mother bring you down and tell you something else. And if I could relieve you of your pain I would. You're my shining light.

 

[foxdie]

I'm so sorry to hear that you mother reacts this way when you're trying to be vulnerable. It's very unfair considering how much you do to support her. It sounds like she has her own issues too and to think that those with mental illness are weak is very hypocritical imo.

I relate to being the parent to your parent a lot. I essentially became the parent in my family after I turned 18 and had a job. It's so draining and it can feel like you can't be open with anyone for fear of making things worse. I definitely feel you on that. It's a difficult situation because you want to help but you also need help at the same time.

You have nothing to be ashamed of nor are you weak or disgusting. You seem like a very genuine and caring person. It takes a lot of strength to be willing to be vulnerable and open with your feelings. It's unfortunate your mother is unwilling to hear you. I hope with time she will be willing to listen and try to understand. Sending hugs

 

[NotOkay_]

Hey everyone! I'm feeling pretty frustrated about something, and I just feel like I need to vent about it. So please feel free to ignore this post, I know it's very long haha. I decided to put part of this in a spoiler, so it'll be easier to see my main point without all the extra reading.

Spoiler

So, usually in real life, I mention my mental health issues and talk about feeling suicidal from time to time. Mostly around my mother, I live with her and I haven't got the energy to 'put up a front' as a lot of people do, so I'm usually very open about my feelings. Sometimes I just bring it up casually, but sometimes I mention it more seriously, but no matter what I say my mother usually just laughs it off. She's the type of person who hates talking about these issues, other members of my family struggle with their own mental health problems too, and she always gets very angry when it is brought up.

Lately I have been feeling a lot worse, and it feels really crappy to be laughed at, so I decided to mention it to her with a more serious tone. At first, she just started joking about it again, but I really tried my best to reiterate that I was feeling awful. After that she stopped laughing, and complained that I was only bringing this up to 'guilt her into giving me something'. I'm not really sure why she thought that, I told her that it wasn't like that, but it took a lot of convincing to get her to change her mind. So finally she tells me to just tell her why I'm so suicidal, but at that point I felt so defeated I just decided to drop it. She seemed pretty mad that I was talking about it, I knew she was feeling a bit sleepy so I figured I'd wait until the next day, so we could have a proper conversation. It's not like I wanted to unload all my baggage onto her, I just wanted her to understand me more, I thought it would feel nice if I could talk to her. She is my mother, after all.

So the next day, I come down to talk to her more. This was on new year's eve, and she was feeling really lonely because she had nobody to spend time with. She told me that I was the only one around to help, so I ended up spending the entire time with her, up until she got tired and went to bed. She was drinking a lot, and wanted me to drink with her, so we both ended up getting drunk. When she's drunk, she's a lot nicer to me, and we ended up talking a bunch that night. First, she started crying about the difficulties of her life, and how she needed me to help fix things for her. She always mentions that I'm the only person she feels comfortable opening up to, and she tells me that I'm the only person who can help fix her issues, because I'm the only one living in the house with her. So she constantly asks me to help her with things, like tidying up after her, or helping her with her diet, or going with her to places she's too anxious to go to alone, things like that. She tells me these things make her miserable, and I'm the only person who can fix it, so I always do my best to make her feel better and help her with these things in general. I'm always there for her when she needs it, so I thought that this would result in her doing the same for me.

So I was talking to my mother for a long time about her issues and at some point, the conversation turned to me, and my mum was asking about work, and just things going on in my life. And she was really listening too! I asked her if she would be okay listening to some of my deeper struggles, like she said she'd be able to the night before. She told me it was okay, and kept listening. Lately I have been really struggling with the childhood trauma I went through, the memories feel overwhelming and it's been really difficult to deal with. She doesn't know about most of it, so I brought it up. Of course, I didn't go into any specifics, I just mentioned that lately I have been struggling with past trauma, and it's been making me want to die. She then got very angry and sad, she told me I was making her upset, and that I was mean for even bringing it up. She started to cry, and started talking about how I was calling her a 'horrible mother, after everything she does to help me'. I assured her that wasn't what I meant, I told her that the trauma wasn't anything to do with her, that it wasn't anything she did. She was still very mad though, and she told me to 'just get over it', and then went up to bed.

I know this is what I should've expected. I know I shouldn't be upset by this, because this is exactly the type of reaction she usually gives to these things. I know it was my fault for bringing it up, and I should've known better. But it still just sucks so badly. Especially when she told me to 'get over it', like I was just complaining about losing some coins in the sofa or something. Those words have been running through my mind since this happened, after everything I have done to try and 'get over it', I just feel so gross for even thinking about this. She told me she'd listen properly, but she didn't even let me finish before she got mad. I always listen to her issues, even when she puts it all on me to fix them, I still do everything I can do help her. But she didn't even let me finish.

Spoiler

It's been a couple days since then now, and she's just going on like usual, even though she knows it upset me. When I told her that it had, she looked at me with a very condescending expression, and just said 'alright then', and tried her best to ignore me. Because I guess she thinks I'm too emotional. Maybe I am too emotional, but I can't help it. I just feel so disgusting, and it feels even worse knowing my own mother would think the same, if I ever told her about it in more detail. She thinks people with mental health issues are immature, overly-emotional, and just lesser than people who don't have any issues. And growing up, she has always pushed these ideas onto me, so I've always been very embarrassed of these parts of me, and I've always tried to avoid going into any details. But lately I have just been more open, because I guess there was a part of me that wanted to feel less ashamed, so I would have the courage to seek therapy or something. I don't want that anymore, I don't want anybody who knows me personally to ever know I am this weak of a person, and how disgusting I am. If anybody knew how disgusting I am, I wouldn't be able to take it anymore. Bringing this up was a stupid idea, and it will be a lot better if I just keep these memories to myself, and they can just die with me.

I'm sorry for this giant rant, I always find myself going into way more detail than necessary, but I just had to let it all out! I know it isn't the end of the world or anything, and my mother can be caring sometimes, so I know I am lucky to have her. I just wish she'd understand me more, and try to accept me. If anybody has read this far, thank you for taking the time, I hope this made sense, I'm a bit emotional right now so I just can't tell haha. Does anybody else have bad experiences opening up to their family? It feels so upsetting to hear these kinds of things, especially from my own mother, and it's been on my mind ever since it happened. Thank you for reading, I'm sending big hugs to everyone!

Awww hun x my mums EXACTLY the same. I can't even go as far as to actually mention that I'm suicidal. Only the tip of the ice burg and she starts crying. I suggest opening up in tiny bits to make it easier for both of you to cope :) xx

 

[alice-in-wonderland]

When I told my mom about being suicidal I also told that I can't kill myself because of her (because of the negative impact it can have on her). So now she thinks that I will still live for her.
Since then I came to realise that I care for her disproportionately and that I should care about myself at least as much as about her. I can't understand how people can be so willingly be blind to the pain of others especially within a family.