Wyldfyre4948
Waiting for my bus
- Jul 12, 2023
- 377
Walked one of my coworkers home today and opened up to her a bit more. I'll call her W, she is aware of my marital problems and suicide attempts so I don't have much issue telling her more. Today I told W more about things my wife has said in the past to reassure me and how she is repeating behaviors of her parents. W is also aware of the poly relationship my wife and I tried. She asked me if I could sleep with my ex to try and clear my head if I would, and I told her that I'd have to ask my wife for permission because those are the rules. She was touched that I'd still honor the rules despite what is going on. I don't have any issue opening up about this stuff with people, but my plans to buy a rebreather and ctb.
As it is 2 of 4 women I work with know about my sex life (or lack thereof now), and the other 2 know a lot of my damage. W thinks I'll be able to move on eventually, but she doesn't understand my other issues with that. Throughout my life I've constantly had to move involuntarily and I thrive on feeling secure. My parents have lost 2 homes I lived in and I had to move 4 years ago because the power was cut when the slab shifted, and I didn't have the money to run new lines for power. For the past 22 years my wife has made me feel safe and quieted the thoughts that make me want to ctb. She would reassure me that she isn't leaving and never would, and that I could trust her. Now here we are with my heart broken, trust shattered, and the thoughts louder than ever.
W thought it was sweet how devoted I still am and how loyal I continue to be despite the circumstances. Claiming I'm one of the good ones. I don't think I could be in another relationship anyways after the damage that has been done here. There is also the thought of exposing someone else to this and damaging them or driving them off. Honestly it's better if I just remove myself from the game entirely. I've never been good at accepting change and I really wish things would go back to "normal" if they could. Part of me wants her back so we can try, but the other part that is getting larger doesn't want her to come back. It wants me to ctb because she has already left me once and this means she could do it again if she chooses.
Sorry for yet another bullshit post about the mess in my head. Sorry if I cause anyone with more important issues from having your post seen. Most of all I'm sorry for existing.
As it is 2 of 4 women I work with know about my sex life (or lack thereof now), and the other 2 know a lot of my damage. W thinks I'll be able to move on eventually, but she doesn't understand my other issues with that. Throughout my life I've constantly had to move involuntarily and I thrive on feeling secure. My parents have lost 2 homes I lived in and I had to move 4 years ago because the power was cut when the slab shifted, and I didn't have the money to run new lines for power. For the past 22 years my wife has made me feel safe and quieted the thoughts that make me want to ctb. She would reassure me that she isn't leaving and never would, and that I could trust her. Now here we are with my heart broken, trust shattered, and the thoughts louder than ever.
W thought it was sweet how devoted I still am and how loyal I continue to be despite the circumstances. Claiming I'm one of the good ones. I don't think I could be in another relationship anyways after the damage that has been done here. There is also the thought of exposing someone else to this and damaging them or driving them off. Honestly it's better if I just remove myself from the game entirely. I've never been good at accepting change and I really wish things would go back to "normal" if they could. Part of me wants her back so we can try, but the other part that is getting larger doesn't want her to come back. It wants me to ctb because she has already left me once and this means she could do it again if she chooses.
Sorry for yet another bullshit post about the mess in my head. Sorry if I cause anyone with more important issues from having your post seen. Most of all I'm sorry for existing.
