only happy when distracted/completely in the moment

[glowing.purple.aura]

My only happiness comes from very rare, brief moments that only occur when I'm completely disconnected from everything else in my life. Thinking about my life at all immediately brings me back into my default state of deep depression. I then feel silly for even experiencing that joy when... why would I? there's nothing in my life to be happy about!

Happiness for more than a few minutes feels strange because I'm so used to constantly feeling awful and when the happiness lasts more than a few days I'm just WAITING for something horrible to happen.

Thinking about the past no matter what makes me feel sad. When I think of happy memories (which are all from years and years ago...), I ruminate on how I'll never experience long-term happiness again. When I think of bad memories (which is more often the case), I feel not only extreme sadness and discomfort but also extreme anger—because I didn't deserve any of it, and seriously, how the fuck am I STILL. NOT. HAPPY?!

Thinking about the future is even worse because nothing I want to happen in life ever does, life continues to get far worse than I can even imagine, and I just get completely overtaken by stress—DEBILATING STRESS—like, "I need to kill myself right now so that I never have to experience this future that I'm so worried about."

I don't want to believe that this is how the rest of my life will be but I know it is.

 

[NutOrat]

You're describing exactly how I feel every day. The biggest reason I thought for a long time that I didn't have depression was because I can feel happy, still do, but ONLY when I'm completely absorbed in something that doesn't remind me of real life. As soon as, say, in a show, they're talking about their future goals, career plans, family stuff, I snap out of it right into depressed mood. And stress. And self-loathing.

I hate thinking about the past, I hate thinking about the future, I hate thinking about my current situation, I just want to be left alone in my fantasy worlds or online, because it's the only times where I believe I can keep going.

 

[stardewwindceres]

You're describing exactly how I feel every day. The biggest reason I thought for a long time that I didn't have depression was because I can feel happy, still do, but ONLY when I'm completely absorbed in something that doesn't remind me of real life. As soon as, say, in a show, they're talking about their future goals, career plans, family stuff, I snap out of it right into depressed mood. And stress. And self-loathing.

I hate thinking about the past, I hate thinking about the future, I hate thinking about my current situation, I just want to be left alone in my fantasy worlds or online, because it's the only times where I believe I can keep going.

Same. If reality creeps in and takes my attention away from whatever I am immersed in or trying to immerse myself in (if I'm not sleeping or unconscious ofc, that is the ideal state) I'm done for

 

[58Alice85]

The only thing which massively pumps me up is love, loving my boyfriend, loving God, true friendship.
All these disgusting normies they will never ever experience this insane pleasure, while simultaniously deluding themselves they are capable of loving other people!

 

[ginko0]

You're not alone on that. As soon as distraction happens, we remember we exist. We remember our "self". Are we to blame, though? Existence sucks and the human condition is nothing but a bad joke filled with pointless struggle, deception and pain.