Venting online stalking is my downfall

[violetforever]

i think this habit of mine is so bad that it's a form of self harm at this point. this isn't the reason why i deleted social media but it has helped in lessening how much i do this. i refrain from doing it for weeks but when i get that laying alone in bed at night depressed or suicidal feeling, i have to do it. it's like comfort and punishment at the same time. i have limits to what i will stalk because i know if i stalk where i can really find what i want, it will send me into a spiral. when i feel extremely bad i've let myself stoop that low. i usually end up beating myself to bruises after. so i make myself settle for just seeing something small enough to know they're still alive. i typically don't find anything new or profound but this time i did. not even about the person i want, just their friend. i knew and spoke with their friend sometimes though. i didn't like or care for them but in desperate times of stalking it's the only information i can get to feel closer to the person i do care for. i'm not crying like i was before i stalked but i think i feel more empty and done with life now. does everyone's life just suck? why should i live any longer when people older than me prove that life doesn't get better? shouldn't it soothe me to see that one of their friends is going through a hard time? it makes me feel worse. maybe because it hits me where i have a trauma wound. a failed family always makes me sad. i get sad for the child because i was also a child apart of a situation like that. i get sad because it proves to me again that love isn't real or lasting. how years have passed and things have changed depresses me. i don't even know these people anymore lol it's pathetic of me to stalk. if i was brave i would just message the person i stalk so i could end it once and for all over how they would probably ignore me. i'm living in delusional that they will reach out to me again first. the suffering that this or something else in my life brings me will push me to death sometime.

 

[pinkpuffle]

finding my old school classmates are all living good lives, on college and shit while i'm struggling to get out of bed everyday is killing me more and more.

 

[violetforever]

finding my old school classmates are all living good lives, on college and shit while i'm struggling to get out of bed everyday is killing me more and more.

i've detached from old classmates and school friends. i couldn't care less what they're doing now. this is probably fucked up but even when people have good lives i just remember that life gets to everyone eventually. everyone will have to experience something tragic in their life at some stage. it helps me to accept that my life wouldn't improve that much if i were anybody else. i could still end up on this site another way.