OopsIdidntwanttodie
Ctb by the 20th of December
- Oct 11, 2020
- 137
Everyday I count the days until my CTB day. I can't believe how quickly time went by. 30 more days....
All this time i've been looking for something to change my mind. I've been trying to find a reason to live again.
It feels like my mind is constantly racing. There's so much to do still to prepare. Although I have it all planned out, living life as if nothing is wrong is so painful. Talking about my plans in the future with my mom and coworker is painful. I know that nothing will change. I can picture so vividly, my final moments.
Things are clicking together too, my parents will be at work, and my brother moved out.
If this is it, then this is it. I know nobody will save me and I won't have my phone with me to call for help. I can't afford to fail and become more of a burden. I also can't stand staying here any longer when I know my suicide is inevitable. There's nothing for me here. I'm literally just pushing through so my parents won't be burdened with paying for my tuition. I'm also working to have enough money for my direct cremation since it's the cheapest.
So when I go, i'm begging (to the universe), please let me go softly. Everything until now has been too painful even though I tried everyday.
All this time i've been looking for something to change my mind. I've been trying to find a reason to live again.
It feels like my mind is constantly racing. There's so much to do still to prepare. Although I have it all planned out, living life as if nothing is wrong is so painful. Talking about my plans in the future with my mom and coworker is painful. I know that nothing will change. I can picture so vividly, my final moments.
Things are clicking together too, my parents will be at work, and my brother moved out.
If this is it, then this is it. I know nobody will save me and I won't have my phone with me to call for help. I can't afford to fail and become more of a burden. I also can't stand staying here any longer when I know my suicide is inevitable. There's nothing for me here. I'm literally just pushing through so my parents won't be burdened with paying for my tuition. I'm also working to have enough money for my direct cremation since it's the cheapest.
So when I go, i'm begging (to the universe), please let me go softly. Everything until now has been too painful even though I tried everyday.
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